Slip of the tongue jokes
1 A colleague asked me: Is Clinton’s wife Chirac?
2 Once I borrowed money from someone, what I wanted to say was "I will pay you back when I withdraw the money"
It means "I will withdraw the money from you when I have it"
Khan
3 A classmate named Yu Jingbo , one day I received a letter, and the dormitory guard shouted at the door of the dormitory: Qian Liangpi, Qian Liangpi’s letter!
4 Our Chinese teacher: Please turn the book to 120 yuan
The whole class was stunned, and the teacher was nicknamed "Money Fan" haha
5 One time, a friend was watching a CD at home, and the quality of the CD was not good. A friend said: "Why are there so many Marxes?" It took a while to realize that he meant Masek!
6 When a buddy gets married, give him a red envelope. My friend politely said no.
I said: That’s okay, it’s only once a year, you must take it.
7 The character read "The White-Haired Girl" in junior high school
A boy (Yang Bailao): Pulled two kilograms of red hair rope and tied it up for my Xi'er...
< p>Teacher: It's not like mummies...8 When I was getting rice, I pointed at the cauliflower and said: "Here are some potatoes."
Auntie asked: Cauliflower?
I continued to point to the cauliflower and said: Potatoes
The aunt asked again: Is it a potato or a cauliflower?
I said anxiously: This is not a potato...oh, cauliflower?
Now that I think about it, it’s enough to make me vomit blood, sorry, the rice seller
9 When I went to buy pastries, I originally wanted to say, “Two pineapple pies and an egg tart. ", but it turned out to be "Here are two orioles singing egg towers"
What's even more depressing is that the shop owner actually understood...
10 In college, our class had A girl named Liu Yun. Once, a classmate from another class sent her a letter. On the envelope, there is a horizontal line above the lower half of the word "Yun" in her character "Yun". Because the writing was too sloppy, the horizontal line turned into a dot. As a result, the classmate took the letter and shouted in our corridor, "Liu Mang, who is Liu Mang? I have a letter from you." Everyone in the corridor ran out to see Liu Mang (the gangster). As a result, the girl named Liu Yun was helplessly called a gangster for four years.
11 There was a time when there were rats in the house, so my mother bought rat medicine to keep the family peaceful, but not a single mouse was killed by the medicine. One day, very early in the morning, my mother got up and looked at the rat medicine in the corner of the door, and said to herself, "Why is no one taking this medicine?~~~" The whole family fainted. . .
12 The English teacher taught grammar and asked everyone before get out of class: "I have finished speaking, does anyone still understand?" We answered in unison: "No!"
13 Raise your glass to welcome the bright moon, bow your head and miss your hometown.
14 Once while playing mahjong on a hot day, the power suddenly went out, so I had to buy candles to continue playing. After half an hour, the heat became unbearable, and one person said: "Let's turn on the electric fan. It's so hot." Another person said: "Don't turn it on, it will blow out the candle."
15 As the saying goes: If you kill people and set fire, you will pay back your debts.
16 In the physics class, the teacher talked about radioactive elements and said: Radioactive elements are very dangerous, and you humans must stay away from them! !
17 I vomited grape skins when I couldn’t eat grapes
18 I got a call at the company. It was from a clothing company. They kept saying that they had done unified work for a certain big company. Clothing and the like. I caught the other party talking and blurted out: "We don't wear uniforms in our company!"
The other party whispered for a few seconds and then said "Excuse me" and hung up.
19 Our university teacher: I am looking for three classmates, one male and one female...
The whole class began to look around, looking for Li Yuchun.
On the 20th, I was returning to the dormitory from self-study in the evening, and I met a fairy girl on the road, so I followed her
I always wanted to strike up a conversation, but had no courage to approach until the fairy girl was about to walk into the girls' building
Clenching his teeth, he stepped forward and asked the girl loudly: Classmate, are you a woman?
Later... later I enjoyed the supercilious look of that fairy sister for two years
21 When Deng discussed the class, the teacher was very excited: How many heroic children are lingering underground...
The graduation project of 22 students is made of red cloth in the shape of a phoenix and sewn on a black robe-like garment.
The defending teacher asked: Why does the phoenix use red instead of other colors?
p>
When the classmate got excited, he blurted out: Because Phoenix is ??burning with desire!! (I guess he meant to say that he was reborn from the ashes). Three seconds later, the classmate who came to watch the defense laughed wildly, and my stomach twisted with laughter!
23 When I was in junior high school, the teacher asked me to carry Mulan Ci (the teacher was more BT), and I was nervous
... When my brother heard that his sister came, he sharpened his knife and went to his parents (pig and sheep)... .....
The whole class burst into laughter, and I laughed too, but I forgot all about it later. Fortunately, the teacher didn’t punish me~~
24 Heaven, Earth, Dou E More unjust than me!
24 I bought WSJ for LP, but after looking at the store for a long time, I didn’t know what to buy, so I just took a pack and asked the store owner: "Boss, is this useful?" The boss (male) was dumbfounded. He looked at me blankly for 5 seconds and said, "I've never used this before!"
25 When I was a child, my father watched me write essays. There was a very simple word written wrong. My father smiled and said to my mother: "I found your son is very stupid." I became anxious and said loudly to my father: "Your son is stupid!" -_-b
26 Soldiers come to block the water with soil and water
27 My mother once went to the bank to pay the water bill. After I paid the money, the person at the bank said, "You don't have enough money. There is a second page here, and you have to pay this one as well."
My mom: What’s on the second page?
Staff: sewage
My mom: My family never drinks sewage.
28 When our high school director once again angrily scolded us for not paying attention in class, he said: "If you do this again in the future, don't blame me for turning against me!"
29 Mathematics The teacher's signature move
Raise two fingers and say to the students: "Students, the key to learning mathematics well is three words!! 'Practice more!!'"
30 That day I said my girlfriend was as stupid as a pig, so she pinched me. It hurt so much and she never let go. I got anxious and said, "I'll sue your mother for abusing a pig!"
31 One day, I went to worship Guanyin with my parents and younger brother
I didn’t wake up for much, so I walked forward and said:
The suffering Guanyin Bodhisattva...
< p>Parents: -____-|||Brother: -____-||||
Bodhisattva: T_____T||||||
32 When I was taking FoxPro class in my sophomore year, a teacher started to count how many people we had in class,
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, tick... (Suddenly stopped
33 One day, my dear mother asked me to buy peppercorns.
Mommy: "Go and buy a pound of peppercorns."
I: "One pound! Why buy so much?"
Mommy: " Nonsense ~ For cooking! ”
I went out to buy it in frustration, and asked specifically when I was leaving: “Are you sure you want to buy a pound?”
The old lady who answered Oudi rolled her eyes! Sweat...
After arriving at the vegetable market, the more I thought about it, the more wrong I became. Why should I buy a pound of pepper? It’s too much, right? ! Take out your phone—confirm again!
The answer was still the same: a pound of pepper! ! !
A pound of Sichuan peppercorns cost 28 yuan. The boss weighed and bagged them for me. When I was about to pay, the phone rang~~~Mom? !
Just listen to the roar on the phone: "Wrong! Wrong! It's not a pound, not a pound, it's one tael!!!"
Breaking sweat! ! ! !
34 When I first handed over the apartment, there were many people coming and going, and the security guard would question me every time.
I originally wanted to say that I was the owner, but in the end, I often said that I was the landlord...,
I ran away while the security guard's brain was short-circuited.
35 In my freshman year, I played a "thief" at a party in the hospital. I became very famous and was favored by girls. They all called me "thief" on weekdays. One day when I was wandering to Asia Trade Center, I was spotted by a fast-talking girl from Harbin in my class. She excitedly shouted at me and rushed over to me: "Oh, thief, thief", which made me immediately attracted by the people next to me. Hold on...
Also
1 In the unit's congratulations, a leader said: "I wish everyone good health..." Hold on, I have no words.
2 Once I helped my boss book a hotel and wanted to ask if they had any services such as free Internet access, but I couldn’t think of a good way to say it, so I asked the other person: “Excuse me, do you have any services here? What special services?"
The other party: "What? Special services, we are a regular hotel!"
-__-!!!!
3 Old dormitory I got out of bed and looked for my slippers for a long time, but there were none. I asked everyone: Why are my slippers gone?
4 While shopping, a friend suddenly exclaimed: "Wow! 'Virgin Bookstore'!" I was shocked. When I looked up, I saw a plaque with four big characters written on it
——Foreign Language bookstore-__-!
5 I once went to buy mutton skewers
I held out 4 fingers and said to the boss, "Here are three mutton skewers."
The boss was confused by "How many?" ?”
I stretched out 3 fingers and said “4”...
6 Our general manager’s surname is Zhou. One time he called me while I was driving and I got nervous. He opened his mouth and said: "Premier Zhou..."
7 My surname is Zhu, and I manage the unit's computer room. Someone once called me on my mobile phone: "Chief Chicken Section, are you in the pig room?" I scolded the guy at that time
8 I was queuing up in the cafeteria and heard a boy next to me say: "Master, bring me a bowl." "Bullet cauliflower soup!" (Seaweed and egg drop soup) Haha, I laughed so hard.
9 One day, I was eating very slowly and very hungry at a rice noodle shop
Finally I couldn’t hold it in any longer and slapped the table and roared. I originally wanted to say that if I didn’t get the rice noodles, I would flip the table over. !
The result was: "Boss!!!! If you don’t serve rice noodles, I will eat the table!!!!"
The whole store was silent for 3 seconds and then burst into laughter under the table... It’s embarrassing ...
10 When my parents quarreled, my dad said angrily: "Get out of here!"
11 When I was playing basketball in high school, A acted selflessly after getting the ball. Passed to B, B easily scored. After a while, B got the ball, and A shouted to pass the ball to him. But B throws the ball himself. As a result, A shouted angrily: I was really blinded just now...
The whole audience burst into laughter
12 In my impression, the squad leader in elementary school was extremely serious. During a self-study class, the classroom There was a lot of noise in the room. After maintaining order several times, the squad leader finally couldn't bear it anymore. He stood up and slammed the table and roared: Whoever makes noise again, cut his mouth off!!!... The whole class was silent
13 University At that time, we asked a friend how Manchester United was doing, and he said excitedly: "Manchester United lost, and Beckham got two yellow plates and ended up!"
14 Don't buy porcelain without a golden hoop. Live
15 When I was in college, a teacher gave a lecture about a new type of material and said: "The sexual function of this material is incomparable to old materials... Oh no, performance and function... "
16 When I was in military training, the company commander shouted the command - "Drill to the left!" "Drill to the right!"
17. I didn't know the accent. , I heard a girl ordering: Master, stir-fry a plate of hot and sour shredded potatoes, without the potatoes!
18 In the second year of high school, our Chinese teacher was an old teacher who had just been transferred from Nanchang to Beijing. His accent was very strong. His son went to the Department of Architecture at Tsinghua University, which was also the purpose of his coming to Beijing. He was very proud of his son. He always told us about his son, and every time he said, "My son is a frog." Department of Architecture, Tsinghua University". ． ．
If moths get to frogs and toads, wouldn’t they become snacks? ． ．
19 While cooking at noon, my mother gave me a pot of carrots: "Go and cut the carrots into diced meat!"
20 A colleague asked me yesterday. How to write the festival section? I answered: Add a festive stanza under the prefix "草" and remove the prefix "草"! Everyone burst into laughter! I didn’t react for a moment~~~~~~~!
21 When I was looking for a job, the examiner asked me which year I graduated.
I originally wanted to say the year 2000, but I got excited and said: "Two thousand years ago..."
What was even more shocking was that the examiner actually said "Oh" : "A student of Confucius."
22 Just over 10 minutes into class, my deskmate raised his hand and said: Teacher, I want to use the toilet.
The English teacher said unhappily: How old are you when you still need to go to the toilet?
22 I have a classmate who has been reviewing for the computer level 3 test. One day while playing football, another classmate dribbled the ball to the bottom line and heard him shout: Enter! Enter! (Biography)
23 I remember one time when I went to buy a fruit called Elizabeth, I opened my mouth and said: Boss, how much does Shakespeare cost? The boss was stunned on the spot
24 The physics teacher talked about waves: "This is a thick spring. I push it from both ends to see if it becomes dense (constipated)?"
25 I heard from my classmates,
Once a girl in their dormitory went to buy sanitary napkins.
She said to the boss: a pack of sanitary napkins.
The boss actually asked: Do you want fresh food or spicy food?
Then the classmate was stunned for a moment and said: Let’s have three fresh dishes, I’m afraid I won’t be able to stand the spicy food. . .
26 Senior sister from university, majoring in educational psychology. She was late... walked into the classroom and glanced sideways at the blackboard. The old professor got angry and asked the senior sister to answer the question on the blackboard. The senior sister hesitated for a long time and said: " "Sexiness and Sexuality Theory", this is too difficult to explain." The whole class was overwhelmed. (Note. Professor's original question: "On Reason and Emotionality"
2 50 new slips of the tongue have now arrived on earth! ——Funny slip of the tongue 2007 hot version (ZT)
27 A male classmate who is very close to me fell to the ground. To express my concern, I asked: "Does your butt hurt from the fall?" I accidentally said "You fell to your butt and died." Sweat~~~ The brother stood up, patted his butt, farted, and said, "He's not dead, he's still breathing!" I fainted
< p>28 I was drinking with the leader and others, raised my glass and shouted loudly: "Let us die together!" My mind was too hot at the time...29 Once, our newspaper photographer interviewed a certain woman The star came back and talked about how he got to know the star at the meeting. The boss looked at the pile of photos on the table and joked: I think you have become his official photographer. But the boss’s southern Mandarin is unclear. From then on, this poor photojournalist was called a "daily photographer", and when he worked overtime, he became a "night photographer".
< p>30 Boss, do you have a toilet paper card?31 One of our colleagues is on a business trip, and the dealer wants to urinate during the meal. The dealer said that there is a restroom opposite. If you go, please give it to the door. He said that we could eat for free if we were eating across the street. In order to save two cents, our colleague walked straight away and confidently said to the toilet man: "I'm here to eat!"
32 I am logistics. Department, during the Chinese New Year, the customer called me to check when the pre-holiday goods would arrive. Because the past few days during the holiday were confusing, I couldn’t figure out the contents of the order, so I asked casually: What are you?
33 I have a friend who has just watched "The Legend of the Condor Heroes" and is very interested in the "dog-beating stick method" and often makes fun of others.
One day, he came as usual. Because. He kicked someone else and shouted: "Kick the dog!" Everyone laughed wildly, and he felt embarrassed, so he kicked him again and shouted: "Kick the dog!"
34 Me When I was in high school, I went out to work during the holidays
I wanted to find a job as a waiter in a restaurant
Because I was still a child and it was my first time to work, so I was very nervous
I originally wanted to ask the manager if he needed any part-time workers, but I thought it would be more subtle to ask if he needed any manpower.
The result was: "Manager, do you need any helpers here?"
I almost found a hole to crawl in
35 Once I went to the market to buy vegetables and prepare for a dinner. A Korean friend bought lettuce for 2.4 yuan. He gave all the change he had to the vendor. , there was still a dime short, so he said to the hawker--
"I gave you all my hair, so there is no more hair." "
The hawker was speechless for a long time, then replied -
"I don't want your hair anymore. ”
36 Managers usually say to smokers in meetings: Smokers will be strangled to death!!
37 I remember when KFC launched the Liuxiang spread wings, because I didn’t watch the advertisement, it was From what others said, I always thought it was Liu Xiang who endorsed KFC. When I arrived in Ken, I told the waiter that I wanted Liu Xiang to spread his wings.
After the KFC Sudan Red incident, I went to KFC and the waiter asked. What do you want? I didn’t even think about it: a pair of Sudanese red. The waiter immediately looked like he was choked
39 I went to a small restaurant with some colleagues after get off work a few days ago. The restaurant was very crowded at the time. There were many, a plump waiter was very busy, a colleague shouted: "Waiter~~", the girl ran over: "What kind of bill do you guys want to settle? ", we all poured it out at that time. When we go to this restaurant to eat in the future, we will shout "waiter checkout" when ordering, and then shout "order!" when we are about to leave after eating! ! "
40 I met a colleague in the bathroom at noon. Suddenly I didn't know what words to use to say hello, so I asked by accident: "Have you eaten? After asking the question, he was very annoyed and embarrassed. His colleague replied: "I have eaten. What about you?" "I'm dizzy~~~~~~
41 When my colleague wanted to ask about the exchange rate between RMB and Japanese yen, he immediately said, how do you exchange the orangutan and Japanese yen?
42 Dormitory The brothers were watching "Prison Break", and there was a scene where a man took out a razor blade from his mouth to kill someone. The boss suddenly said: "I K, I can still talk even if my mouth is hidden in a razor blade, I'm convinced." . . "
43 One day at noon, my mother asked my brother to move the dining table to the side. My brother didn't move for a long time, and my mother said something like this in a hurry:
"Did you hear that? !Tell you to move the table two kilometers to the side"
=_=!!!
44 After the union chairman gave an impassioned speech, the last sentence reached a climax: Comrades, Let's do a better job this year than next year!
45 Our teacher is very good. One day he said this: "Take out the homework, let's check the answers, put a cross on the correct ones, and then write the correct answers on it..."
46 I called a friend I hadn’t contacted for a long time and learned that he was applying for "suspension with salary"
47 There are so many beauties in the country that it attracts countless heroes to shoot big eagles. . . . . .
48 I went to the cinema to watch "Pirates of the Caribbean 3". There was a trailer for "Transformers" before the movie started. When I saw the leader of the Decepticons, I couldn't think of "Megatron" or anything else. His team was called "Decepticons". Because he was so excited, he exclaimed, "It's so handsome, it's Nan Decepticon!"
The terrible thing is that it suddenly became very quiet at that time. Any movie sound effects, countless people stare at me and burst into laughter...it's so embarrassing!
49 Dinner with a group of friends
One of them was probably betrayed by his brother. He was so depressed that he drank a lot of beer, then stood up with a red face and yelled< /p>
Brother! Not for sale! ! !
I guess I wanted to say that brothers are not for betrayal
At that time, there were more than a dozen people at a table and all of them fell down
50 is so tiring, even I’ve used up all my energy to eat shit...