1. Xiao Zhang is most afraid of others saying she is fat. One day, Xiao Li saw Xiao Zhang and said, "You look so thin." Xiao Zhang was very happy. After they separated, Xiao Li said to himself: "I'm talking about your sleeves."
2. Mechanical design defense, student Z was questioned by the teacher while holding the drawings. Finally, the instructor became anxious and said: Classmate, as long as you tell me something you really understand about this design, I will let you pass.
3. My graduation project was a study on the toxicity of copper ions and zinc ions to the Chinese giant toad. Then when I was defending, the teacher asked you what is the difference between this and the previous classmate. I answered: He is a tadpole and I am a toad.
4. Once the leadership inspected the recess exercise, after the end, the physical education teacher should have announced the "dismissal". But the physical education teacher got nervous and forgot his words. After holding it in for a long time, he shouted: "Retreat!"
5. A buddy gave his undergraduate defense. In order to highlight the importance of his research, the first sentence he said on stage was: The finite element method is obsolete. The row above is all professors studying finite element. So this guy was tortured for a whole day!
6. There was a student in our class who was very angry during his defense. The teacher asked him how the buzzer sounded. He thought for a long time, blushed for some reason, and then mustered up the courage to answer: Ding!
7. The dormitory is on the 6th floor. When I climbed up, I found that I didn’t bring the key. I went downstairs and asked my aunt to get it. Then I climbed up to open the door. I went down to return the key. When I climbed up again, I found that the door was closed. A classmate next door passed by. , "See if you leave the door open, I'll close it for you."
8. After running 800 meters, I want to show off in front of my girlfriend. Originally I wanted to say: "I am made of iron!" But I said: "I am made of iron!" When I thought wrong, I corrected myself and said: "I am made of iron!"
9. As the saying goes, there is no such thing. Penitential feasts do not count as feasts. Today is Shrovetide, so let me express all my regrets. If you want to make up for your mistakes, please choose to reply 1. Treat me to a big meal, 2. Treat me to a movie, 3. Give me RMB directly!
10. On Valentine’s Day night, my husband bathed my 3-year-old daughter. As soon as she put her in the tub, my daughter shouted: Mom, look, daddy is picking up girls... Go back to M to watch the hilarious Valentine’s Day pick-up and dates. It’s a true story, the last one will definitely make you laugh
11. A girl went on a date with her boyfriend in the park on Valentine’s Day. Woman: It’s so cold. I forgot to wear a coat. The boyfriend tightened his coat, retracted his neck into the collar and said: Fortunately I wore it, otherwise I would have frozen to death like you.
12. A government official celebrated his birthday. When his officials heard that he was born in the year of the rat, they collected some gold, made a rat, and gave it to him as a birthday gift. When the official saw it, he said happily: "Do you know? My wife's birthday is coming soon. My wife is born in the year of the Ox."
13. My friend's face is a bit long. One time I was sitting across from him during a meal, and I told him that when I saw your face, I thought of something, and he followed up by saying: Don't say such disgusting things while eating!
14. Question: I only have 2 yuan in my pocket, what should I do with three meals in the future? Answer: Buy a broken bowl and squat on the street. Question: With a monthly salary of 1,200 yuan, what car should I buy? Answer: Buy two sets of chess, there are four rooks! There are also four BMWs.
15. One day, the teacher was in class. Suddenly a cat barked outside and kept making a sound. The teacher was very angry and said, "It's so annoying. What is it called?" A classmate replied: Today is Valentine's Day...
16. I miss you so much that I think about you so much that my mind is filled with your image. Sister Furong, Sister Feng and Xiao Yueyue all see you as you. Bless you, the Spring Festival is almost over, the blessings are here as soon as I say it, I wish you happiness and joy in the Year of the Rabbit!
17. A psychology professor said to the host of the meeting: If you want the women in the meeting to calm down immediately, just ask them a question: Ladies, which one of you is the oldest? The venue immediately became silent.
18. If you are my husband, listen carefully: I say one thing and one thing, otherwise there will be no good results; work honestly in the class, and I will distribute the salary; you are not allowed to look at other women when you go shopping with you, if you dare He said half a word, kneeling on the washboard without mercy if punished severely.
19. The reporter interviewed Dumb at the news scene.
Reporter asked: What do you think about the issue of setting off fireworks and firecrackers randomly in cities? Dumb: How else can I watch it? I just climbed up the window and watched...
20. Joke: A very picky guest came to the restaurant to eat. He asked the waiter: "Are there any wild ducks?" The waiter thought for a while and replied: "There are no wild ducks." , but I can catch a domestic duck, drive it crazy and burn it for you to eat."
21. You have an old face, a pair of squinted eyes, a plaid shirt, and a set of The property you inherited is bubbling like a full stop. More importantly, I heard that you will live a long life. Is it true?
22. The two chatted. A: Boxing is such a great sport! I love this sport, I make a living from boxing, and I’m making a good income this year! B: So you are a famous boxer? A: No, I am a dentist.
23. Someone participated in the God of Cooking competition and devoured a chicken, 9 burgers, and a large piece of apple pie, and finally won the championship. Before leaving the stage, he said to others: Don't tell my wife, otherwise she won't let me have dinner.
24. Judge: You stole cars last month. Wasn’t it efficient? Car Thief: Yes. It is a big mistake for you to arrest me now. If you give me a few more weeks, I can guarantee that the traffic congestion problem in our city will be completely solved.
25. A little pig came to the company for an interview. The boss asked: "What do you know?" He said: "There are only two things in the world that I don't know!" The boss said: "So awesome!? Which two things don't you know? "Yes?" Piggy said: "It won't happen this way, and it won't happen that way either!"
26. One day, Rabbit was watching TV and suddenly heard a knock on the door. He went to open the door but didn't see it. With people. "Hello, can you give me some water?" The rabbit then discovered a snail at the door. "No!" The rabbit kicked the snail away angrily. A few years later, Rabbit was watching TV alone at home again, and the knock on the door rang again. The rabbit ran to open the door, and the snail said: "Why did you kick me just now?"
27. One day, a lazy man took a car to the town to collect the national subsistence allowance subsidy. The car was very crowded, so he went straight to the care seat. Someone asked someone to give up his seat, but the person refused. The lazy man said: The country takes care of me, shouldn't I sit in this little special seat?
28. A happy moment in the Year of the Rabbit: One day, the little white rabbit told the big white rabbit that he was hungry, so the big white rabbit gave the little white rabbit a pot of carrots and said: "If you are hungry, please help! Go and get this Cut the carrots into cubes!"
29. On the night of the Lantern Festival, a group of fireflies were flying over the bustling city. When the mosquitoes saw this, they asked, "What are you doing, bro?" "A firefly responded: People love to admire lights. Even though their wattage is a bit low, they can at least shine!
30. A new soldier went to a mill and asked an old man because he was not familiar with the road. The old man pointed out the way. A few days later, the recruit went to the mill again and lost his way again. He happened to meet the old man again and asked for directions again. The old man was shocked: Comrade, you haven't found it yet?
31. Someone asked his friend: "Why do you laugh when you smoke? Is the cigarette very fragrant?" The friend replied: "Where, I just read in the book that smoking a cigarette 5 seconds will shorten your life, and if you smile, you will live 10 seconds longer, so every time I smoke, I will smile and earn 5 seconds back for my life.”
32. The zoo held a model competition, and the cobra won first place. , Elephant was unconvinced and said: "I am so plump and you are so thin, you are not even one-fifth of me. I am not convinced." Cobra: "Brother, you are out. Don't you know that skinny beauty is popular in society now?"
33. Two women were jockeying for a seat on the bus. The one who didn’t grab a seat said, “If you don’t lay eggs diligently, it will be faster to occupy the nest.” The woman who grabbed a seat quickly stood up and said, “I’m sorry, you sit down, it will delay your laying of eggs.” "
34. Reporter: "What contribution does football have to physical training?" "No," the coach replied. Reporter: "Why?" "Twenty-two people who need rest are running hard on the field, while 40,000 people who need exercise are sitting and watching."
35. There are many people applying for the bodyguard company, and the examiner Ask them to perform unique tricks. Boxing, karate, Chinese kung fu, etc. were performed. The last one didn't move. Examiner: What are you waiting for? "I control the atomic bomb." The man said
36. A man applied for a job as a lumberjack, and the speed of logging was astonishing.
The manager was surprised: Where did you learn to cut down trees? Answer: Have you heard of the Sahara Forest? Manager: Are you talking about the Sahara Desert? Answer: Yes, it’s called this name now!
37. When the pastor was presiding over a wedding for a newlywed couple, since the bride and groom both had long hair, he couldn’t tell who was the groom and who was the bride, so he smiled at them and said: “Please, one of you Someone, please kiss the bride!”
38. Today, my girlfriend of three years dumped her boyfriend! Her boyfriend asked her if there was another man, and she replied, "You are that other man."
39. The bird said to the crow: It would be great if you wear braces, but you will still look like a bird. The crow said to the bird that his teeth were all knocked out and he was still pulling like that. Tooth to Crow: You're a bird in the back, don't be embarrassed here. Crow said to Ya: You eunuch, you still have the nerve to criticize me.
40. The defendant promised to the lawyer: If I can only serve half a year in prison, I will pay you an extra $1,000. As a result, he finally got what he wanted. When the lawyer collected the money, he said: This matter is really difficult. Originally, the judges wanted to acquit him.
41. A millionaire returned to his hometown and went to the best hotel, but no one paid attention to him. He shouted to the waiter: Bring me a dish worth 1,000 yuan! Sorry sir, we don’t buy half portions of our dishes! the waiter said.
42. A sick child held an alphabet card and shouted that the car is driving, come and buy a ticket! The patients came to buy tickets one after another, but one child did not move. The dean asked why you didn't buy a ticket. The child took out a mental illness badge and said, hum, I have a monthly ticket!
43. The CIA issued Orange Alert No. 0214: Millions of wives and husbands have hired private detectives to investigate their spouses’ behavior tomorrow, turning Valentine’s Day into Capture Day. Please raise your awareness and correct yourself to ensure a happy Valentine's Day!
44. Popular in April: I once said to a girl that before I met you, I wanted to be a monk, but I met you, and it was you who changed the path of my life! But the girl said that if she met me, she would want to be a nun for the rest of her life!
45. Last night, I saw a UFO. It said it was trying to find the compatriots it had left behind. Then it snatched my mobile phone and dialed while happily saying: Finally found it! I looked over in confusion, and to my surprise I saw that it was your mobile phone number!
46. Male: My dear, marry me! Woman: Why didn’t you tell me until now? Man: Because I’m afraid of death! Woman: Then why do you still want to tell me? Male: According to statistical principles, married people live longer!
47. A girl went on a date with a boy, even though the weather was cold, she deliberately didn’t wear a coat. The girl said: It's so cold, I forgot to wear a coat! The boy tightened his clothes and said: Fortunately, fortunately I wore them, otherwise I would have frozen to death like you.
48. The wife complains that the husband does not understand a woman’s heart and cannot say what she likes to hear. The husband asked her what she liked to hear. The wife said that at least the title should be changed. Don’t call your wife something with three words to make it look more intimate. I understand, old woman.
49. The ant and the elephant competed in strength. The elephant said arrogantly: Give up, I am not willing to bully the weak! Ant said: I will not admit defeat! You have to know that everything concentrated is the essence!
50. There were too many people on the bus today, and a girl who came up from behind stepped on my foot. But she didn’t react at all and kept stepping on it, so I said to her: Beauty! Sorry, I put my feet under your feet...
51. Niu said that you should be my alarm clock from now on and wake me up every day. I said yes and would be willing to help, and Niu said again, When I make an alarm clock, sometimes when I don’t think about it and it gets annoyed when it barks, I will throw it far away...
52. After the little cat and the puppy get along, Ignore the little pig. The little pig couldn't figure it out, so he asked the little cat: "Look at its slovenly appearance, how could you fall in love with it?" The little cat said: "It's not popular to dye your hair long now, so why do you still have straight hair? It looks so cool." No fun!"
53. Thousand-Hand Guanyin said to Venus: "Dear, let's make a bet?" Venus smiled: "Okay, what if we lose? ?" Guanyin sneered: "Then slap me!" 54. There was a fire, the parents escaped, and the mother shouted: "Son, what are you doing?" "It's all on fire!" What kind of socks are you wearing?" After a while, the mother was angry: "Why don't you come out?" Son: "I'm taking off my socks." 55. Lao Zhang always got stuck when talking. One day, his colleague joked with him: "Hey! Lao Zhang, you quack like a duck, and I'll let you eat watermelon.
Lao Zhang: I won’t eat your watermelon! Gua! Gua! I also don’t learn to quack like a duck. ”
56. I am a low-key person. Really, I have told many people, but some people still don’t believe it. I sent this message because I want to reiterate that I am a low-key person.
57. The boss yelled at a new employee: Not only were you late, but you also made up excuses. Do you know how bosses treat employees who lie? ? The clerk said calmly: Yes - send him to be a product salesman.
58. When Lao Li's wife learned to drive, someone said to him: " Wouldn't it be better if you taught her step by step in the car? "That's true, Lao Li said, but she and the car are insured, but I'm not!" ”
59. A young man did not believe in God and asked: Can you make the world peaceful? The emperor replied: With a little effort. The young man begged: Then you can definitely give me a ticket to go home? God is ashamed. Said: Let’s make the world peaceful!
60. The three prisoners were arguing together and wanted to prove that they were the first to come to the prison. The first one said that there was no car when he came in; the second one said that he came in. At that time, people still rode horses; what did the third person say about horses?
61. People in Jiangsu said when they caught a cold, they had a nose for football, but they had to watch basketball. It took a long time to play volleyball to register, and the thermometer was still there. She is very good at ice hockey, and the doctor is very good at water polo. Instead of running away, it is better to play handball at home.
62. Who is stupider than who? Because I always step on her feet when dancing. . But I think she is stupider than me. Eating is much easier than dancing. But she keeps stepping on my feet under the table. Now I think about it. 63. My wife went to the coffee shop to buy coffee. : I want to buy the worst quality one! The clerk asked in confusion: Why do you want the worst quality one? My wife replied angrily: Then you can’t pass it off as a good one.
64. Foreigners I was bitten by a dog and went to the hospital for treatment. The doctor pointed at the wound and asked: How did it happen? The foreigner didn't know how to say "bite" in Chinese, so he explained: A dog ate on my leg.
65. You have the irresistible charm of mortals (Ferrero Rocher Chocolate). You are the fairy in my eyes. I am willing to follow you for the rest of my life without any regrets. You will also be the choice of the new generation (Pepsi Cola). Wherever do you want to go? Oh, I mean my Barbie doll, not you!
66. When Xiao Wang saw a beautiful woman, he followed behind him to peek around. Unexpectedly, he was discovered by the beautiful woman. The beautiful woman asked: Do you want to do it? What? Xiao Wang smiled and said: Life is more beautiful, just because of you! Every surprise comes for you! The beauty replied angrily: Kill the mosquitoes.
67. I made a wish before the Buddha. I found my perfect match, but the Buddha said: The marriage has been arranged for a long time! I said: It has been arranged for a long time, why has it not come yet? The Buddha said: Oh my God, what will happen to my perfect match when humans lose their connection? I'm imagining it!
68. Holding you in my hand, I feel the "smooth, silky feeling of milk". After exercising with you for a long time, the sweat on your body "is so fragrant that I still feel it." ", exuding "the smell is great"... What are you thinking? I'm talking about the socks you are wearing. Smelly feet like yours will only scare away everyone.
69. "Outside the examination room, A candidate asked the classmate next to him: "Hey, buddy, how was this exam?" The answer was: "It's so refreshing! (Sprite drink)" The answer was: "The road to success starts from the beginning." (Rejoice Shampoo)"
70. Don't ask me why I sent you a text message. It's too hot. I send you my greetings. Do you need a reason? Well, hello to everyone is really good. Greetings text message, you deserve it.
71. My brother is a tiger. In the Year of the Ox, he happily said to his family: "I am finally an ox!" "My grandma asked why, and he said seriously: "My classmate is one year older than me. When he was 12 years old, he was born in the year of Ox. I am 12 years old this year, and I must also be born in the year of Ox! "
72. One day I was singing "Da Huajiao", "Give me a hug, give me a hug, hold that sister to Huajiao." The neighbor's five-year-old little brother said: " Sister, you are wrong, it should be: hug, hug, hug that sister and sleep with her. ”
73. When a thief snatched a girl’s necklace, the girl grabbed the man’s collar and tried hard to stop him. Afterwards, the girl described to the police: The necklace he snatched was fake. I gave him I caught the real gold necklace.
74. A pair of lovers went to a restaurant to dine. The woman saw that her favorite dishes on the menu were all in the high-end section, so she asked: How much do you love me? The boyfriend looked at the menu and said: More than corned beef, but not grilled lobster!
75. After receiving the report, the Price Bureau came to Baozi’s bathroom: Baozi, they also own noodles and dumplings, why are your prices so high? Baozi said aggrievedly: They are all ordinary bathrooms, but mine has a steam sauna!
76. Traffic accident, two cars collided head-on. One of the drivers shouted angrily: Are you blind? Another driver was unwilling to be insulted and retorted: Who said that? Didn't I knock you right into your face?
77. A friend said to a patient who just had surgery: How are you? Patient: It's okay, but a piece of gauze was taken out of my stomach the day after the operation. Yesterday, another operation was performed and a video camera was taken out. Suddenly a nurse asked: Where is my hat?
78. One day, Xiaogang came to a food stall he frequented and saw a food similar to wife cakes. But he didn't dare to confirm, so he timidly asked the waiter: "Auntie, is this a little wife cake?"
79. A: My wife gave birth to twins after reading "Brothers". B: My wife read "The Three Musketeers" and gave birth to triplets. C: Oh no, my wife is reading "Alibaba and the Forty Thieves".
80. When a designer designed a building with circular rooms, people asked him what inspired him to design such a building. "When I was a child, I was often punished to stand in a corner." The great architect said frankly.
81. One day I visited a friend’s house in the countryside. It happened that a sow in his house was giving birth, and more than ten piglets were surrounding the sow to suck milk. My son was very surprised when he saw it and asked me: Dad, why does the sow have so many teats, and why does the mother only have two?
82. My nephew wants to keep everything he sees as his own. One day, I teased him: "What school do you want to go to?" I replied: "I went to two universities, one is Tsinghua University, and the other is Tsinghua University. One Peking University! "Alexander!"
83. When I was a child, I followed my mother to buy flower and bird calligraphy and painting. The painting seller said: "I sell craftsmanship, and this drawing paper is given to you for free." I said: "That's great, uncle, here it is." I’ll take ten sheets of drawing paper.”
84. One day, I was looking at my son’s homework, which used the word “dad looks like” in a sentence. The son wrote: Dad has a fat head and big ears like a pig. I asked my son why he wrote this? The son asked back: Isn’t it similar?
85. The baby asked his mother: "Why is there thunder in the sky? I'm scared?" The mother said: "That's because the children are disobedient. God is angry." The baby: "Then I am angry too, why not?" Thunder? ”
86. I told my baby the story of Kong Rong letting the pear go, and then I asked him, ‘Baby, do you think this kid Kong Rong is good? ’ The baby pouted and said, ‘What’s so good about a silly child? 'I'...'
87. Before going to work, I always use mousse to tidy up my hair. After seeing this, my son asked: Dad, what are the benefits of wearing mousse? I answered casually: It looks good. After coming back from get off work, my son happily said to me: Dad, I made our puppy look good. When I saw it, the pet dog turned into a monster.
88. When my son saw that the old lady with bound feet was struggling to walk, he curiously asked: Why do you need to bind her feet? Grandma said: The old society was like this. The kind-hearted son gave his grandma some advice: Grandma, you will be able to walk faster when you put on your skates.
89. My wife uses a new perfume. After her husband got off work, his wife said excitedly: Smell quickly, is there any different fragrance today? Unexpectedly, my husband rushed into the kitchen: Did you make my favorite braised pork ribs today?
90. A woman went for breast augmentation surgery and asked the doctor how much it would cost. The doctor said: 2,700 yuan. The woman asked: What if I only do one side? The doctor immediately said: 900 yuan. The woman was puzzled: Why do you charge so much? Doctor: Twists and turns!
91. The husband is going to repair his mobile phone, and his wife reminds him: Don’t forget to bring the invoice, warranty certificate, and charger. Amid his wife's nagging, the husband found all his things before going out. When I arrived at the maintenance department, I discovered that I didn’t bring the broken phone.
92. The hospital had a hanging needle, and the nurse inserted a hanging bottle into the man. More than an hour passed, the suspension bottle was finished, and the nurse came over and replaced it with another bottle.
The man asked: Nurse, didn't you just open one bottle? The nurse pointed to the empty bottle cap that had been filled with salt water and said: This bottle has won the prize, let’s have another bottle!
93. My online name is Cowherd, and your online name is Weaver Girl. Every night, one of us is on this side of the phone line, and the other is on the other side of the phone line, but I want to say, this Much better than the Milky Way!
94. A teacher taught inspirational secrets and said that from now on, he should carry a small mirror with him when reading. When he can’t stand reading, he should look at himself in the mirror and think to himself: After all, he has grown like this. Don’t read books well!
95. Xiao Ming and his mother won a prize while shopping in the mall. They went to the counter to claim the prize. The prize giver asked if he wanted nine dollars or an apple? Xiao Ming’s mother took it for granted that she wanted money, so she asked for nine yuan. So the man raised his knife and cut the apple into nine pieces.
96. The panda affectionately expressed his love to the kangaroo, but was rejected by the kangaroo. The panda asked in confusion: Why? The kangaroo patiently replied: I like people who have a regular life and rest, but I don’t like them to stay up late every day...
97. Hui Tai grabbed the beautiful sheep hard and took the beautiful sheep away. The belly is getting bigger. When the red wolf learned about it, he was very angry and used a pan to beat the ash too hard. Hui Tai said aggrievedly: "Honey, actually I just want you to eat one more lamb."
98. The dog said to the pig: It is better to be a dog, and you will not get the flu in your life. . The pig said: Look at how hopeless you are, you will never be on the Animal Forbes list and you will end up in the paparazzi, or at most you will be a presidential bodyguard.
99. The turtle laughed at the weasel and said, "Looking at your sly appearance, you will do some sneaky things." The weasel said, "You should take care of yourself! You wear a cuckold all day long and make fun of others."
100. Every night before going to bed, I read a story to my son. My son listens to it with gusto. After listening to one story, he always wants to listen to another one. That night, I read a few stories that my son had never heard before. The more he listened, the more energetic he became. The more I read, the more sleepy I became. Finally, I begged my son, "Can I stop telling it? I was so sleepy that I couldn't even open my eyes." The son replied: "Mom, you can read it with your eyes closed."