I think I married the wrong person because I didn't see myself clearly

1. Three stages of intimacy

1. Not many people can go through these three stages

In the chaotic voice on the Internet, there are always people who say "unmarried and infertile, keep safe". Whenever I write an article about marriage management, someone will say, "It's too much trouble, it's better not to get married". In fact, getting married or not is not the most important thing. If a person can handle the relationship with himself, he can handle the relationship with marriage. If a person doesn't know himself clearly, he can't handle the relationship with others.

Intimacy, like a mirror, allows us to better see our own broken, giving us a chance to repair ourselves. However, most people often only see each other's grievances in the process of breaking. Not the broken self. Intimacy has three stages: the first stage is a period of deep affection, and two people can't wait to stick together all day. You think he is the person who knows you best in the world, and you think he can meet all your expectations.

second, from finding imperfection to awakening

in the second stage, the ideal is broken, and you find that it is not so perfect at all. What once fascinated you about him is now simply annoying you. So, you began to transform him and began to use various ways to let him continue to be good to you. You expect him to still meet some of your expectations and be as close to your inner ideal as possible. But as a result, it is often unsatisfactory. Most marriages will die at this stage, or get stuck at this stage.

in the third stage, you finally wake up. You realize that your partner is not the one who "meets your expectations and gives you all the love", he is just himself. He can't be a worm in your stomach, and he can't know what you know and think. So, you begin to see the uniqueness of him and stop thinking about asking for love from him.

You have finally found an equal and independent posture, not a "love beggar" posture, and you can go hand in hand in peace. If we can reach the third stage, then marriage and life have been sublimated, and our self-awareness has also experienced fragmentation and reorganization.

3. Love begets hate

2. Hating your partner is the only way for everyone.

Hating from love is a process of disillusionment. We obviously have such great expectations for our partner. He clearly had everything fine before, but now why did he fall off the altar and become such a disgusting person? If strangers treat us like this, we may not be so angry. After all, we don't expect anything from strangers.

as a partner, why should he not satisfy us? I have a visitor who has been unhappy with her husband for a long time. She thinks that her husband is not ambitious and manly enough. Especially after her promotion and salary increase, she looked down on her husband even more. You say that as a man, you can forget that your career is not better than that of a woman. You should at least be positive and study hard. It's really no good, then you look after the children at home and let me work at the head office in a down-to-earth manner, not anywhere!

Fourth, when do you feel that you have chosen the wrong person

From the visitor's point of view, there is nothing wrong with her complaints and spit, which are real pain points. But from her husband's point of view, he just wants to lie flat and be a salted fish. Can he be allowed? He thinks his little life is good and his slow-paced life is very satisfying. Is he wrong? From his own point of view, he is not wrong.

Before consulting me, this consultant tried many ways to change her husband, such as quarreling, bitter words, threats and inducements. The final result was that her husband was completely flat and wanted to play mobile phones all day. I feel blind, but why didn't she say before she got married that she couldn't accept Buddhist men?

3 When did you feel blind?

Because when you get married, your husband can meet some of her expectations. At that time, her greatest inner desire was a sense of security, stability and relaxation. Her own family of origin is broken, and her husband lives in a loving and complete family.

5. We can't satisfy ourselves

She envies him and likes his delicacy and gentleness. She has been working hard to prove herself to others. However, her husband is so calm and doesn't care about all the opinions of others. He will be happy for several days after eating a hot pot. At first, I felt that my husband was like a mountain, standing there safely and giving her support and strength.

The good times don't last long. After less than half a year, the consultant feels blind. Other people's husbands have a successful career and talk humorously, but their husbands are plain. And she doesn't want to work so hard. She wants her husband to be a strong man and protect her anxiety. Obviously, her husband is not such a person, and she can't get satisfaction from her husband, so quarrels and dissatisfaction arise.

In fact, when we are dissatisfied with our partners and feel blind, we should open our eyes and take a good look at ourselves. It's not that our partners don't meet us, but that we don't meet our own needs.

VI. Projection of inner needs

We hope that our husband will be very fashionable and full of envy when he takes it out. That's because-we are eager for the recognition of others, and our inner cognition of ourselves is not clear, so we need to get satisfaction from the applause of others. We hope that our husbands can give themselves a break in innocent girl. That's because-we live too tired and need to have a rest and relax, but we dare not really relax.

There is a very important concept in psychology, which is called projection. It is said that when we can't face an emotion, we often choose to "throw it out" and "throw it" to the closest person. For example, when a person can't face her sense of powerlessness, she will make her partner feel powerless by criticizing her partner.

In this case, powerlessness is "projected" like a hot potato. Seeing that our partner is powerless and can't satisfy us, we don't have to face our sense of powerlessness. The quarrel and breakup of marriage often comes from this.

7. Recognize your own needs

4. If you feel blind, then open your eyes

We feel that we have misjudged someone just because that person has met our previous expectations, but can't meet our emotional needs now. At this time, even if we are divorced, we may encounter the same problem when we get married again. People who can solve your A needs can't solve your B needs. So, what should we do?

1. Find your initial heart and think about your partner's goodness

What did you like about him at first, and now you may hate him most, because what you like best is his most stubborn and sincere place, which is often the most difficult to change. Only when we go back to the past and see the initial heart that once looked at each other, can we see each other's sincere soul.

2. Know yourself, what are your needs at the moment

Think about your heart, and see where you are most embarrassed with your partner, what you need most, and what your needs are not met. Don't project emotions as a hot potato, but look at yourself and dissect your vulnerability.

8. Be the master of emotions

3. When expressing needs, be gentle and calm

We often hope that our partner is the one who knows us best, and we take it for granted that we don't need to say that our partner should understand. If he doesn't satisfy us, it must be on purpose. But in fact, not only do we not see our hearts clearly, but our partners also don't see our hearts clearly. After recognizing yourself, you might as well express it. What if your partner can be satisfied?

4. lower your expectations and be yourself

throughout your life, we must learn to get rid of the expectations of others and lower our expectations of others. Others don't satisfy us, not necessarily because they hurt us on purpose, but because they don't have much energy and can't give us the expectation of course. In this case, then lower your expectations and don't let the other person be your own "emotional rudder". You will be happy if he is good to you, and you will be angry if he is not good to you. Be the master of your emotions, and be the one who will love yourself.