1. "Without friends, one is not as good as oneself" and "No common goal is to seek common ground"
There are different interpretations of Confucius' sentence "Without friends, one is not as good as oneself" (Learning). Don't be friends with people who are not as good as yourself. This contradicts Confucius' overall thought, which seems inappropriate. The motto of "being inferior to oneself" here is better than "not being inferior to oneself", which means "being different from oneself", which is similar to Confucius' meaning of "being different from one's Tao and not seeking the same thing" (Wei Linggong). In choosing friends, Confucius pays attention to "like-minded", and friends should "share the same ambition, seek the same way", which is determined by the purpose of making friends. Confucius despises those who pursue material interests and seek food and wealth. He said, "It is not enough to discuss those who are ambitious in the Tao and are ashamed of food and clothing." ("Liren")
2. There are three friends who benefit and three friends who lose.
There are two types of friends, namely "loss" and "gain", and Confucius advocated making good friends. As the old saying goes, it is pale when dyed in the sky, and yellow when dyed in the yellow; Close to Zhu Zhechi, close to the ink is black, so it can be seen that the result of making friends with gentlemen or villains is different. If you benefit from the former, you will suffer from the latter. You should not be careless in choosing friends. So, what is a "good friend" and what is a bad friend?
"Confucius said,' There are three friends who benefit and three friends who lose. Friends are straightforward, friends forgive, and friends hear more, which is beneficial. Friends will be broken, and friends will be ruined. " "("seasonal ") this is mainly from the level of personal quality to distinguish between benefits and losses. Three types of good friends refer to: honest people; A trustworthy person; A well-informed person. Three kinds of bad friends refer to: people who are used to decorating their appearance without sincerity inside; A person who works hard to please and be gentle, a person who talks glibly. Confucius was deeply disgusted with people who were respectful in appearance and hypocritical in behavior. He said angrily, "Clever words, good manners, full respect, Zuo Qiuming's shame, Qiu's shame, hiding grievances and making friends with others, Zuo Qiuming's shame, Qiu's shame." ("The Governor") Confucius made friends and became more and more knowledgeable.
3. "Listen to what he says and watch what he does" is a way for Confucius to understand people, and it is also a way for him to choose friends. Zaiyu, a disciple of Confucius, is good at words. Confucius listened to his words and thought that he was ambitious and diligent, but later Confucius found that he slept during the day and was very angry. He thought that it was wrong to "listen to what he says and do what he does" (The Governor), and changed it to. By observing his words and deeds comprehensively, Confucius wants to know something deeper: motivation, thought and quality. He said: "Look at what it is, what it is, and what it is safe for. People are embarrassed, people are embarrassed!" (Politics) That is to say, if you understand a person's motives, the road he takes and what he is content with, you will really know this person without being confused by superficial phenomena. The evaluation of people should be based on observation, not conformity. Confucius said: "All evils must be observed; If everyone is good, they will be inspected. " (Wei Linggong) That's what it means.
3. Confucius' principle of making friends
1. Benevolence.
Confucius took "righteousness" as the code of conduct. He said: "A gentleman is also in the world, and there is no comfort, no Mo Ye, and the comparison of righteousness."
("Liren") Confucius said: "A gentleman takes righteousness as the quality, courtesy as the deed, failure as the expression, and faith as the achievement". (Wei Linggong) Benevolence is "the foundation of righteousness" and righteousness is "the festival of benevolence". (See "Book of Rites, Liyun") "Love is called benevolence by emotion, and it is appropriate to call righteousness by reason, and it is a gift to call love respectfully." Benevolence and righteousness are inseparable.
The Analects contains Confucius' words and deeds of treating his friends. "When a friend dies, there is no return, saying," It's my funeral. A friend's feed, although chariots and horses, is not a sacrifice of meat. " A friend will die, and there is nowhere to return. Confucius welcomed the family and said generously, "Stay here when you are sick, and stop here when you die!" I have done my best to my friends, showing utmost forbearance, which is by no means comparable to Ren Xia's righteous people in later generations. Friends have the meaning of making money, so I don't have to worship the gifts of horses and chariots, but I must worship the sacrifices of meat. This is Confucius' respect for his friends' ancestors to show that he is the same as his own relatives.
Confucius regards benevolence and righteousness as the value orientation of life, and pays attention to his personality value and spiritual pursuit when interacting with friends. A gentleman "seeks the Tao but does not seek food", and he holds a contemptuous attitude of "not enough discussion" for those who aim at the Tao and are ashamed of eating dirty clothes and food. He thinks: "A gentleman is righteous" ("Yang Huo") "A gentleman means righteousness, and a villain means profit". ("Liren") The heart of profit often destroys some people's ambition to seek truth and keep righteousness. When making friends with others, you can't be greedy, or lose your principles for profit, or harm others for self-interest. Friends don't haggle over every ounce, and they don't just care about Nuo Nuo, but "earnestly care" and keep the meaning of responsibility and kindness.
2. Loyalty and faithfulness
"Zi teaches four things: writing, writing, loyalty and faithfulness" ("Shu Er") refers to a person's honest and all-out mentality, which is regarded by Confucius as the foundation of his life, and he has repeatedly emphasized that people should "be loyal to the Lord" ("Zi Han")
trust. What is said is faith, and getting along with friends. Confucius emphasized faith more. Faith is one of the five virtues of benevolence.
Confucius regards "faith" as the foundation of a person's existence, and "people can't stand without faith", emphasizing the role of "faith" in interpersonal relationships. "People without faith, I don't know it can also, cart? There is no car, so why should it do it? " Although human society is bound by legal contracts and moral customs, if people don't trust each other, all personnel can't advance. If people believe in themselves, they must believe in themselves first, act honestly and honestly, and keep their word. Ceng Zi put "don't believe in friends?" As an important content of a gentleman's "caring about himself three times a day", Zixia also believes that "keeping promises with friends" (from "Learning and Learning").
Confucius once stated his ambition, "May the old people be safe, the friends trust them, and the young people be pregnant" ("The Governor"). He is eager to establish a good interpersonal relationship between people and hopes that he can gain the trust of his friends. Naturally, this is based on Confucius' trustworthiness and trust in friends.
Although faithfulness is a virtue, we should also pay attention to the concrete analysis of the specific situation when practicing punctuality. If it is not righteous, we will not follow it, and we should not destroy the righteousness by keeping small faithfulness. Therefore, Confucius believes that "a gentleman is faithful and does not forgive" (Wei Linggong), that is to say, a gentleman only sticks to the right path and does not hold small letters. Words don't have to be believed, and actions don't have to be fruitful. We should take righteousness as the reference scale "the ratio of righteousness". He also said that words must be kept, and actions must be fruitful.
loyalty. The situation of "loyalty" is similar to that of "faith", and there are also several types. Here, the "loyalty" belonging to the political and ideological category is omitted, and the "loyalty" as an ethical category refers to being sincere and single-minded. Such as: "Is it cheating for others?" ("Learn") "Be loyal to others" ("Zilu") "Be loyal, don't teach." ("Xian Wen") "A gentleman has Jiu Si: ... He speaks faithfully ..." ("Ji Shi") When interacting with others, you should be loyal and outspoken. If you have had friends, you should "give advice", put yourself in others' shoes and think selflessly. Ceng Zi summarized the way of Confucius as "loyalty and forgiveness", which is a consistent general principle of Confucius in dealing with personnel.
3. Respect
Confucius paid great attention to his words and deeds when making friends, in order to conform to etiquette. This is a sign of respect, which shows his feelings and respect for his friends. Respect is also a "benevolent" side. Zi replied to his disciple Wen Ren, saying, "Be respectful in living, be respectful in deacons, and be loyal to others" (Zi Lu). Zhong Gong Wen Ren, Zi Yue ("Yan Yuan"), the human heart is benevolent, loving others warmly, but respecting others, and courtesy is mainly based on respectful resignation. With respect, there is no arrogance outside. Zi Zhang asked about the line, and Confucius said, "Be faithful and respectful." (Wei Linggong) Although a friend has the meaning of "being good". "Be sincere", but treat each other with respect. Zi Gong asked his friends about Confucius, and Confucius said, "Give advice and be good at it. If you can't stop, don't humiliate yourself." ("Yan Yuan") Teach out of loyalty, but advice when most needed is least heeded. If you don't listen, you shouldn't do it reluctantly, hurting your friends' self-esteem, bring disgrace to oneself, but look for another opportunity. But "respect" is by no means blindly echoing and flattering, but refers to always being respectful when getting along with friends, and at the same time being measured when treating friends. "The number of friends is sparse." ("Liren"), if you are too pushy and too trivial to treat your friends, you will get bored. Of course, this does not mean that it is necessary for friends to keep a certain distance, respect each other's personality and give them a certain degree of freedom. Confucius admired Yan Ying's way of making friends, saying that he was "good at making friends with people for a long time without losing his respect", and that it was not easy to make friends with people without great sincerity and self-restraint.
Respect is by no means a superficial ceremony, but a natural expression of sincere love from the heart. Confucius himself attached great importance to the combination of speech and manners with ceremony to show his respect, and there are many descriptions in the "Xiang Dang".
when Confucius traveled around the world, he paid his name "Doctor Qing". When he sent envoys to greet friendly people again, he would send them off again, just as he did in person. Ji Kangzi, a doctor from Lu, sent medicine to greet Confucius, and Confucius worshipped it, and explained to the messenger that "you can't taste it until you reach the hill." ("Xiang Dang") Modesty and sincerity are admirable.
Zi Xia put it well, "A gentleman is respectful and courteous, and all men are brothers. Why do you suffer from having no brothers? "
if you are respectful and polite, you will get friends easily, and you should be respectful and appropriate. If you are respectful and rude, you will work hard, and if you are respectful and polite, you will be safe.
4. He
has a Confucius saying: "Harmony is the most precious thing for courtesy, and Wang Zhidao is the first to be beautiful; Small and big. If you can't do something, it's not feasible to know and be harmonious, not to be polite. " Confucianism attaches importance to the harmony of interpersonal relationships, and believes that the use of courtesy is valuable in harmony. Courtesy is beautiful and harmony is precious, but this "harmony" must be "courtesy". Use "and" according to the boundaries between different classes.
in dealing with the relationship between individuals and groups, Confucius also emphasized that "gentlemen are harmonious but different, while villains are the same but not harmonious." ("Zi Lu") "A gentleman is proud but does not fight, and the group is not a party." (Wei Linggong). The former famous saying that gentlemen can be reconciled, but not the same, and villains are only the same, but not reconciled. He who is in harmony has no grumpy heart, and he who is in harmony has Abby's meaning. A gentleman is righteous, so there are differences, and a villain is still profitable, so he can't make peace. "Harmony" is just like the harmony of five flavors and five tones into music. The sounds and tastes are different, but they can be reconciled. And "the same" is like saving water with water and fire with fire. If you like the same thing, you will fight with each other. The latter sentence says that a gentleman is only self-controlled by Zhuang Jing and has no grumpy heart, so he does not argue with others, makes friends with Tao, and meets with peace, so there must be groups, but without Abby's private interests, so he does not belong to the party. Adhere to individual autonomy and justice, while not destroying the harmony of the team, and make friends with noble personality.