PUA is a popular word.

Its original meaning refers to love rat's methods of suppressing and controlling women's minds.

Later, PUA gradually extended to the workplace, and bosses and leaders squeezed employees.

But have you ever thought that even the closest people will treat you with PUA?

I saw such parents in Zhihu the other day.

Just because the child made some mistakes, she was punished for thinking for three hours.

It's cruel to think about it.

You know, the military posture of the college students' military training station 1 hour is exhausted.

What's more, a child in his early 10 has to stand three times.

This is not a simple corporal punishment, but a torture.

Figure | Spring _

For a long time, China's parents have been trying their best to make their children remember and obey.

They are happy to hear others praise "Your children are so obedient!"

It seems that "obedient" is an excellent character.

In my opinion, children who obey their parents will gradually get rid of their dependence on adults.

The so-called obedience is nothing more than PUA and mental control of children in the name of emotion.

Figure | Spring _

Depressed education destroys self-esteem.

-"Look at other people's children, you are a waste."

PUA has a trick to make the other person feel inferior through suppression, thus being tamed.

China's parents have a similar education called "watching other people's children".

"You see, why do people learn olympiad so well?" "You, you, you are so stupid. Look at someone else's piano. They have passed the 10 level. " "How did I give birth to you, a disappointing thing? Look at other people's children, study hard, be obedient, and don't let my family worry. " Look at it. Look at it. ...

There are many "take a look".

It's like a spell, which is everywhere in their lives.

Parents' criticism and judgment, especially comparison, will make children fall into an unconfident situation.

Figure | coji _ n

There is a scene in the variety "The Tale of Teenagers" that makes me very sad.

A girl cried and loudly accused her mother:

"Why do you always compare me with other students? Why can't I ever see my efforts? "

As a result, her mother coldly replied:

"In fact, I have been constantly hit you. With your character, if you don't fight, you will float. "

When a girl wipes her tears and says that her personality is not suitable for attack.

Mom still insists on her own idea:

"When you are strong, I think I need to try. When you are weak, I feel I need to push you. "

The daughter found that no matter what she said, she couldn't convince her mother, so she walked off the stage in tears.

Figure | coji _ n

This conversation quickly went to Weibo for hot search, and many netizens said:

"In this girl, I saw myself that year."

How many children have been beaten by their parents since childhood.

Perhaps the original intention of parents is just to set an example for their children and inspire them to work hard.

However, unscrupulous attacks, ridicule and even abuse will only make you look ferocious and make your children weak and inferior.

The implication of psychology tells us:

Parents' negation, attack and criticism will give children negative psychological hints, which will be transformed into children's "inner critical voice" and form a strong "anti-self" consciousness.

They will habitually criticize and deny themselves and feel that they are useless.

Even if the person who criticized in adulthood no longer exists, this critical attitude will remain in my heart and I will often criticize myself for a long time.

Figure | Spring _

In the name of love, blur the right and wrong of behavior

-"I did it for your own good."

In PUA's routine, repression is usually carried out in the name of love.

Because it will make the recipient irresistible.

Many parents say to their children:

"I am for your own good!" "Don't choose a major at will. You can't find a job when you get out. You choose a reliable one, such as accounting and computer. You listen to me right! " "You now to research, don't always want to go out to play, later can take an examination of civil servants or institutions, how stable! I say this for your own good! " "I told you, don't always run out to play. If you don't study hard now, just wait and work hard later. Don't listen to me and see if you regret it later! "

So much "for your own good" is full of bondage and pressure.

Karen Horney once said:

"Love is the disguise of the abuser!"

This kind of "emotional violence" will only make children their slaves.

The whole growth process will be very heavy and at a loss.

Figure | Spring _

I once saw such a story in Weibo.

A 9-year-old child built a magnificent castle in the game My World.

He showed it to his father with great pride.

Recently, because of the epidemic, schools have been closed, and children always stay in bed in the morning. They were supposed to get up at 7 o'clock to go to school, but now they usually sleep until 9 o'clock.

After several warnings didn't work, my father deleted his favorite "My World" from the computer for one year.

After learning the news, the child cried and cried, very sad.

I believe that the father's original intention is also to correct his habits and for the good of his children.

But such behavior has caused great harm to children.

Although it is only a game, it is also the result of 1' s efforts throughout the year.

Imagine what it's like to empty a project after a year.

Figure | Spring _

In some families, home is a cage, love is a shackle, and blood relatives become executioners.

Giving children so-called good things blindly is actually a kind of self-satisfaction of parents, but they are unwilling to listen to their own hearts.

Psychologically, this kind of "unilateral giving" is called "unloving behavior".

There is only plunder, no equality and respect for those closest to you.

Hearing the words "I do it for your own good", children will be particularly entangled in their hearts, feeling that they are not respected, and at the same time unable to express their anger.

After all, parents do it for their own good, and openly resisting it is a big violation.

Therefore, there seems to be no choice but to obey.

Figure | Spring _

Exaggerated efforts, moral kidnapping

Do you know how hard this is for me?

In the process of PUA, the most indispensable link is the kidnapping of suffering.

"I worked so hard for you." "How many things have I given up that belong to me?" "I get up early every day, make you breakfast and send you to school. Is it easy?"

In fact, the essence of bitter education is the desire for control.

In order to make the child obedient, obedient and well managed, he is not allowed to go out of the drawn circle.

The subtext behind it is:

"I can't control other things. All I can do is control you. "

Figure | Spring _

In the TV series Take Dad to Study Abroad, Sasha's parents sent her to study abroad.

During the time when she just went abroad, Sasha was very uncomfortable, full of grievances and difficulties.

Can't sleep at night, and parents video phone, crying and said:

Sasha: "I can't even speak English well. Who wants to make friends with me! " "Mom:" You have been abroad for so long, but you still can't speak English well, which means you don't study hard! ""Sasha: "It's too difficult! Homework is also difficult, and it is even more difficult to integrate. I am really depressed. " Mom: "You are still depressed! Your father and I are almost depressed. You should remember that our whole family depends on you to change our destiny. You have to hold on, do you hear? " Dad: "It's not easy for your mother and I to send you abroad, you know?" You have to understand mom and dad. Mom: "well, hurry to sleep." Why are you crying? It's no use crying Remember our words and study hard! "

After that, mom turned off the video directly, leaving Sasha crying alone on the other side of the ocean.

Figure | Spring _

Many people cried when they saw this clip.

In the face of her daughter's inadaptability, challenges and difficulties abroad, from beginning to end, her parents did not give a word of comfort, encouragement and concern, but only expressed their difficulties and then blamed and ordered them.

We can't help but think: many parents work hard to make money and send their children abroad to study. Is it really good for their children?

Once upon a time, there was a group called "parents are evil" on Douban, and many netizens in it experienced oppression from their parents.

"After all we have done for you, you will have no conscience if you don't obey!"

They often use moral kidnapping to arouse guilt and restrain children's behavior.

This kind of emotional kidnapping is more difficult to break free than "for your own good".

Even many people will feel guilty when they reach middle age.

Figure | Spring _

Privatization of children, spiritual binding

-"Husband and wife are not as good as parents."

Some people say that the ultimate goal of PUA is privatization and mutual affection.

Don't let others get it.

There was a time when the topic of "Ma Baonan" caused great repercussions on the Internet.

One of the most representative is zhuyuchen, who played "Hua Zi" in the struggle.

Zhuyuchen's mother's suffocating love can be said to have wrapped her son firmly.

She said that she got up at 4 am every day to help her son boil pear juice for more than ten years.

When her son worked in Beijing, she moved to Beijing to accompany him.

My son wants to cook by himself. She said it was too difficult. She would rather be tired than help her son cook.

Mother Zhu accompanied her son for decades.

She has only one thought, that is, "where is my son, I will be there."

Figure | coji _ n

However, zhuyuchen, who was taken care of in every possible way, was not happy.

4 1 years old, still living a single life.

He didn't choose to be single, but because he has a demanding mother.

Mother Zhu said that she knew every relationship of her son and interfered in every relationship.

"This woman must be a good wife and mother. Since she has entered this home, she must bear the responsibility. "

Although zhuyuchen also tried to resist, in the end she couldn't beat her mother and was gradually assimilated into a treasure.

In the eyes of mother Zhu, her son is her private property, and it is up to her to decide how to live this life.

How many parents, like mother Zhu, never establish a positive parent-child relationship and only blindly control it according to their own wishes.

Let children have no self-space, or even lose themselves.

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Li Ailing said:

"How many China families have six people sleeping in a bed?"

In a family, the order of affection is often: children >; Parents > spouse.

This is doomed to discord between husband and wife, who can only seek satisfaction from their children.

Crazy PUA squeezed emotional compensation value from him.

Therefore, many times, the plight of PUA families in China often stems from the fear of being separated from their children.

Figure | coji _ n

The best family relationship is to treat children as "outsiders"

The famous American psychologist David Thomas once said:

"Some parents educate their children, often not because of love, but because they are afraid of separation."

Their love is too heavy and they have no self. They cling to their children and deprive them of their living space.

I still felt selfless and great until I finally sucked the child dry.

But in fact, parents bring life to their children and raise them, which does not mean that they can dominate his life.

American psychologist scott parker said:

"Love that knows how to separate is true love. Parents must take the initiative to separate from their children in order to promote their personality growth and eventually become a person with independent personality. "

Parting does not mean breaking off the relationship, but telling the children firmly that you are you and I am me while giving love.

In this way, the relationship is still close, but both of them have healthy selves.

Parents' true love for their children has always been a decent and warm export.

Figure | Hideaki Hamada

Therefore, the best way to stay away from PUA family is to treat children as "outsiders" and husband and wife are relatives.

Think about whether you have a certain sense of boundaries when dealing with outsiders and whether you will listen to each other's feelings and reasons.

Treat children with this attitude.

Look at his world from their point of view and understand his thoughts and motives from behind his actions.

Only in this way can we walk into his heart, establish a relationship that can really communicate and really guide and help him.

Please remember that the purpose of our education for children is not to let others see how well we have done and how obedient our children are.

The purpose of cultivating a child is to enable him to know himself and others, and to handle all kinds of people and things in life independently.