miss the old days
Looking back on my childhood, some memories are always profound, but more are my mother's eyes. Mom said that when I was a child, I didn't like cleanliness very much, and I was very untidy. What impressed her most was that every time she had a runny nose, she didn't have to wipe it with a paper towel, just wipe it around her nose with her thumb. As a result, when I look at the back of my hand every night, there will be a thick pimple on my thumb after my nose is dry, and I have to be watched by my mother to wash my hands before going to bed.
I remember when I was five and a half years old, my parents sent me to a village two or three miles away from home, which was several times bigger than ours. Maybe I'm used to following the wild children in the village all day to touch crabs in the river, climb trees and dig nests. I remember that day very clearly. I stayed in the classroom with a small stool. I was fidgeting because I had never seen so many children. The stool was carefully prepared by my father. It says "September" under the stool, because that's the month of my birthday. When my mother turned away, I knew she would leave me here alone. I instinctively turned my head and looked at my mother without saying a word. Because I know she can read my eyes, I am scared here, and I want to go home with her. I still clearly remember what my mother said to me at that time: "The school has collected our money. If you have to come home with me if you don't stay here, my parents' hard-earned money will be wasted." What I told my mother at that time had no idea about money, but I knew they were really working hard to make money, so I couldn't go home. I want to stay here. Today, many years later, whenever my mother and I talk about this, we will laugh. Why was my mother's routine so deep at that time? Why was I so naive at that time? Actually, I should be lucky. I have a clever mother, although she hasn't read any books. But at that time, she was educating her children in this way, not using deterrence.
I remember that I didn't have a new schoolbag a few years ago, but I had an omnipotent mother. My mother made me a small satchel at home, which contained a bag of fertilizer, and cut a piece of cloth from a dark green coat worn by my father to make me a schoolbag belt. Under the dim kerosene lamp, mother threaded the needle. At that time, I felt that my mother's hand was like a robot cat's pocket and could do anything. At that time, my mother had just turned 30, and she sewed very carefully. At that time, I thought that the needle would never prick my mother's hand, because in my eyes, my mother was the most amazing person in the world. The next day, a delicate orange schoolbag and a military green schoolbag belt appeared on my pillow. I excitedly put books and pencils in my schoolbag, slung them on my body, and kept calling my mother while running out of bed. My mother grinned and narrowed her eyes when she saw that I was happy. It's just that I don't know how late my mother sewed that day. Maybe her eyes are bloodshot, but I don't know, because all my attention is on that cute little book bag.
I still remember one thing that bothered me for a long time when I was a child. At that time, I was seven years old, in the first grade of primary school, in the big village next door, in the traffic hope primary school, and in the cute little bag I had been carrying on my back. I remember very clearly that it was after school in the afternoon, about five o'clock. The weather was like a child's face, moody and changeable. In my memory at that time, the way home from school was a bumpy dirt road. It was autumn, and both sides of the road were covered with corn. It rained well that year, and the corn grew as tall as an adult. Looking around, it seems that a road has been opened up in a large cornfield. The gloomy sky is covered with dark clouds. I have never seen such a scene in my mind, because every time it rains heavily, it is lightning and thunder. My mother will let me stay in the house honestly, and sometimes she will cover my ears with her hands when the thunder is loud. Suddenly there was a flash of lightning, followed by thunderous thunder. I was so scared that I cried and ran desperately in the direction of home. I feel that there are many bad people behind me, just like in TV series. They chased me like crazy, shouting stop while chasing. Running like this, I saw a familiar figure, "Mom, Mom", getting closer and closer, until finally I threw myself into my mother's arms and cried and shouted, "Why, why did you pick me up now?" At that time, my mother didn't seem to say anything, just hugged me tightly.
When I was a child, I thought my mother was the most amazing person in the world, but I also thought my mother was the worst person in the world, because my friends at that time had a lot of snacks and pocket money every day. As for me, in order to get money from my mother, when my mother cleans the yard, I will be both hard and soft, and I will follow her wherever she goes, but my mother's patience is always limited. When she couldn't bear it, she would raise her broom and hit me, chasing me from the yard to the gate. Sometimes when she catches up with me, she will beat me up until I don't talk about money. Later, my mother felt guilty when she remembered these things. She felt that because my family was poor when I was a child, my sister and I were really hard, and we didn't have many things that our peers had. But mom, you may not know that if it weren't for the subtle influence of you and dad on my sister and me in those years, we wouldn't be here today. Although my sister and I didn't become great people, there seems to be no so-called rebellion in our adolescence. The education in our bones is the eternal wealth you and dad have given us. Years later, sitting in front of the computer to record bits and pieces, I will still think of the orange satchel, thinking of the autumn when thunder roared, and how I snuggled up in your arms. When I was a child, there were starry sky, noisy cicadas, watermelons that my grandfather could never eat, and my mother's hands could make all kinds of magical things. That home has everything I miss.
(B) the change of proud teenagers
Maybe each of us feels conceited and thinks that we are born different and special from others, at least from junior high school to high school. I always think so. In grade one, there were more than 50 students in our class. By the sixth grade, there were only 24 students left in the class. In those six years, I was either the first or the second in almost every exam, so I felt great. No one could surpass me. But at that time, I never got my mother's approval: "How many people are there in your class?" So at that time, I secretly told myself that in junior high school, I must let you get the first place in the exam. Later, junior high school went to the best middle school in the village. At that time, there were more than 200 students in four classes in grade one, which was 10 times more than that in grade six. This is the first time I have seen so many students. But at that time, I had an idea in my heart, and I wanted to prove it to my mother. I want to get the first place in the exam, because it concerns my own dignity, as if this is the first time I know the importance of face in my budding youth. But it seems that there are all good students in Shiliba Village, because few rural children can go to the middle school in the county at that time, so everyone will come to this junior high school in the town. The first monthly exam, I got the seventh place in my class, and I don't know what my grade is. Now when I think about it, my mouth will rise inexplicably, because it was the first time in my memory that I met something called frustration. I am too sad to speak. I looked at the people in front of me and silently read their names over and over again. I must pass you, I must. Just think about yourself now. I have been trying to gamble.
Later, in the continuous exams, my ranking has been rising, but I stopped at Grade Two. My best exam result in the whole year of Grade One was Grade Two, because the girl in front of me was W. She was very good, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't surpass her, just like a spell, which accompanied me for a whole year. In the second day of junior high school, W went to a good junior high school in the county to study, and naturally he came to me for the first place, but I think everyone seems to think that W gave me the first place. Therefore, throughout the second day of junior high school, I really stood in the position that I have always dreamed of, but I was not as happy as I thought. Because I always think that it is something that others don't want, and others will criticize me for it. But these are just the tip of the iceberg mixed with all emotions at that time. After all, when I saw that the number on the certificate finally changed from two to one, I went home and proudly handed the certificate to my mother. How can I express my feelings at that time? I am very happy. But my mother doesn't know the story behind it, because in a sense, W gave me the first prize. But I have been working hard since then, because I want to have a chance to take the exam with W again, and I must surpass her. That was the later senior high school entrance examination. Because her student status is still in our school, she will come back to take the exam, which means I can finally take the exam with her again. Later, the results of the senior high school entrance examination came out and I went back to school to see the results. I was ahead of W. Although I was the second in the senior high school entrance examination in our school, I was the first to come back from another school to take the exam. But that time I was not unhappy because I got the second place, because I got the W. In retrospect, I don't think I got the first place in several exams, but I was indomitable and opinionated, thinking that I was born different from others. If what I encountered in my study in those three years can be called setbacks, I think I overcame it, because I always felt different from others. Summer of 20 12, graduated from junior high school, nominal age 16. In September of that year, I entered the best high school in the county and was still a key class. And these make me full of pride in my bones. If I define it now, it is something called conceit.
Looking back on my whole high school years, I think this will be the most unforgettable three years in my life. Perhaps it was those three years that faded my pride and made me face failure calmly. When I first entered senior one, I felt that the school was really big, which was bigger than the combined size of my ten junior high schools. At that time, there were 24 classes in Grade One, adding up to 1500 people. At that time, I also felt deeply suffocated, because there were many people who scored far better than me in the senior high school entrance examination. But it seems that God is in no hurry to let me know that I am actually a very ordinary person. In the first month, I didn't adapt to the rhythm of the teacher's lectures, and I was deeply confused for a while. But I don't know whether God is looking after me or whether I really worked hard in that first month. In the first monthly exam, I got the first place in my class and the sixth place in my grade. I remember it very clearly. I couldn't believe it at that time. I kept looking at my report card from bottom to top until I saw my name at the top of the list. It seems that at that moment, my heart, which had been immersed for a month, suddenly became restless again. What's the big deal? I did it anyway. When I opened my diary, I saw a sentence written at the beginning of school: I will definitely come back with a storm in a month. So I couldn't help smiling on my face, and between the lines of that sentence, it was my pride. But I didn't know it was the only time I met before 10 in those three years, well, the only time.
Last semester in senior one, we were divided into arts and sciences. I changed from one to two, which means I have to leave my new classmate and teacher and go to a completely strange environment. Although I just changed a teaching building, I always felt so close at that time. I didn't even think that from then on, life began to wear off my edges and corners in its way, and revised the world view that accompanied me for many years. In short, it makes me realize that you are nothing, you are just an ordinary person. In the new environment, I can't adapt to the way teachers teach, and I can't integrate into new groups. If someone can't answer questions in class, I think it's ridiculous. I don't understand such a simple thing. I think it's very artificial for the new class Committee to organize activities. In fact, they are all excellent people, but I felt that my grades were good at that time and I didn't want to have any intersection with them. I totally reject this new class and this group of strangers around me. I went to find a new class teacher when I was crazy. I told him that I didn't like this class and I wanted to go back to my old class. Although I knew that even if I went back to that class, it wouldn't be the same person, at least the old teacher was still there. Of course, in the end, it is fruitless, because the results are not the best, even if they are the best, they do not have that privilege. So, the first monthly exam after the teacher, Grade 24, the next final exam, Grade 48, and then the final quality inspection of Grade 1 and Grade 88. After finishing the course, the first year of high school should be the most depressing and depressing time in my high school. Looking at the worse and worse grades, I used words again and again to vent my inner resentment and loss. Seeing that my grades are getting worse and worse, I will work hard, arrive at the classroom at 5 am and stay in the classroom very late after self-study at night. I tried to prove myself, but the result was getting worse and worse. I didn't have any friends during that time, or I closed myself up. Going home during the winter vacation, I accidentally turned to the diary at that time, which was full of what I said to myself:
(1) What the fuck are you doing? You can do it! Do you know that?/You know what? Do you know that?/You know what?
(2) The haze of the exam has dissipated. Is this really over? I don't know. Let the grades speak for themselves.
(3) Now you are like a puppet, insensitive. You don't even know what you're doing now.
……
When I saw these words, my heart was still greatly touched. 16-year-old self, the self who was extremely desperate but unwilling at that time, the self who got up again and again but was defeated by life again and again. You know, at the age of 16, you really work hard and are really lucky. If it weren't for that difficult time, let me know that I am actually a very ordinary person, and many people are better than myself, which makes me slowly lose the pride that I have been with for a long time. I became humble and learned to accept.
I can't believe that my happiest time will be in the third grade, which should be a great change in the history of our school. There was an experimental class for the first time. According to the results of two large-scale examinations in the second semester of Senior Two, the school comprehensively ranks the top 90 science students from 1000 to form two classes which we call "rocket classes". It was those two exams, one failed and the other failed. I was chosen as the scum of 90 people. I was desperate when I first learned the news, because I really hated the atmosphere, and there were schoolmasters everywhere. Everyone must study hard. But what I didn't expect was that I met Mr. Wang, the best class teacher in senior high school for three years that year. We prefer to call her Lao Ban. Lao Ban is a loud voice, in his early 30s, with short hair. He looks energetic. The old class is our English teacher. She will give us very different things in different ways, let us watch English news and share some great American dramas with us. Sometimes she will sit directly on the desk when giving lectures, feeling that there is no teacher's shelf at all. One thing I remember very clearly is the Mid-Autumn Festival in Senior Three. Can only be spent at school. That night, the old class took our class to the playground to enjoy the moon, and everyone gathered around to eat moon cakes and chat. The boys in the class also shouted "Love Song of Singles" at the top of their lungs, so the atmosphere in our class was very active from grade three to grade one, which was completely different from what I expected. Of course, I have seen the old class get angry. She scolded others outside the classroom, and the whole corridor was full of the voice of the old class. So I think the old class is scary sometimes, but she is very real, honest and likable.
It is probably in this atmosphere that I entered the third year of high school. Because of my own mistakes, I was lucky enough to be called to appear at the morning meeting for the first time in my life. It was after 1 1 in the evening, and the whole dormitory was chatting crazily and laughing recklessly because my brother sleeping in bed 8 got stuck. Looking back now, I still laugh at the scene at that time, but I didn't have any worries about laughing at that time. Suddenly, there were three loud noises, and the dormitory door was knocked down by the teacher who checked the dormitory. Suddenly, the dormitory was silent. The teacher asked, "What about the head of the dormitory? Why don't you stay up late? What is the discipline? " ? Now I can't forget what Yang Ge, then the head of the dormitory, said: "I only care about hygiene, regardless of discipline." At that time, the teacher was speechless and left a sentence: "OK, wait for me." Later, the next day, the dean said in front of all the students, "Come on, dormitory administrators and roommates who only care about hygiene come to the front." Later, every dormitory party will mention Yang Ge's golden sentence, laughing until his stomach hurts. Forgive me for not laughing silly when I wrote this paragraph. In fact, I always miss that time. We always face our teachers bravely. We talked until midnight. We talked about the people we once liked, the unknown college entrance examination, and the invisible future. This is a good feeling. Now, how are you all?
In the past three years, I have experienced great changes in my study, not becoming disappointed, but losing my pride and edge. If it weren't for the difficult days of the first year of high school, I wouldn't be so resistant and I wouldn't beat the college entrance examination.
20 15 at 5: 00 p.m. on June 8, English finally ended, and my high school days also ended.
I still remember the sentence I wrote on the test paper: Goodbye, eighteen-year-old sky.
Yes, goodbye to you, who was once extremely proud, because growing up has always been war-torn loneliness, grand but silent.
(C) Confused and clear moments
When it comes to college, the first word that comes to mind is out of place. Because I feel that the surrounding environment is getting more and more complicated. If three years of high school made me realize that I was just an ordinary person academically, then the feeling that college gave me was inferiority. There was a time when I felt that the word stuck to myself like a label. People around them come from all over the country. They are versatile. They can play the guitar and dance. And look at yourself, as if there is nothing but study. Because I don't play games, sometimes I feel uncomfortable walking with others. But then I realized more and more that college should be a lonely four years, and you never have to compare with anyone.
In the future, I will choose to listen carefully, study in the library, take some beautiful photos and write them down when I feel something. Until one day I confidently told myself that this is the life I want.
Recently, I read a passage in Qian Jia's Exchange of Dreams, which hit my heart: there are 1 300 million people in China, and perhaps1300 million people are very powerful, realizing their dreams and benefiting the society; 100 million people are confused, embarrassed and struggling; There are 100 million people who are bad, doing bad things, or planning to do bad things; And the rest of the billion people, quietly living their own lives, in ordinary posts, go to work, get married, have children, warm and kind. This is you and this is me.
I clearly understand that what I have experienced in the past twenty years is actually nothing. I changed from a pretentious self to an ordinary person who learned to accept the helplessness of life. But I know more clearly that these are all things that life must teach you. While dying in your own world, live quietly. My parents and most family members believe in Christianity, and I grew up in such an environment. I don't think this belief has anything to do with religion, but it taught me not to gamble, not to smoke, and to be content. Dad doesn't play cards and doesn't smoke, so I can play mahjong when I was a child, but it never involves money, even a dime, because that's my bottom line, and I feel sick when I smell smoke. Growing up in the countryside, I never felt how much I couldn't hold my head up. On the contrary, I am very grateful to God for this arrangement, because when God closes a door for you, he will definitely open a window for you, and he will. I am lucky that I can successfully enter high schools and key universities. I said to my mother, "God is fair, and I am very satisfied with myself now."
Conclusion: This is my story, an ordinary boy who can no longer be ordinary. I know that there are many difficulties waiting for me in the future, and I also know that I am an ordinary person after all. But I believe that there will be an unknown monument in history, engraved with the names of each of us. We, ordinary and great. May you and I be brave forever.
commemorate
2065438+22: 48 April 26, 2008.