Throughout history, most famous families have their own family rules, such as Zeng Guofan's family instructions and Qian Jiaxun's.
A few years ago, CCTV launched a series of reports on "what is family style", which made the word family style enter thousands of households again. As a key link in shaping family style, family rules naturally attracted people's attention again. Good family rules and regulations are a fortune that will benefit future generations for life.
A parent once told me: What if my children always think I nag? I said I was bored over and over again, but he always dawdled and secretly played with his mobile phone, which made his family fidgety and didn't say nothing. This kind of life scene is believed to be familiar to parents. Frequent preaching will not only hurt the parent-child relationship, but also make parents' words lose their authority.
There is a famous "decreasing sensitivity method" in psychology. When a child often listens to the same sentence, his perception of this sentence will gradually decrease.
For example, the first time you urge your child to eat, he will come to eat, but you urge him more times, and your words go in one ear and out the other.
Here, I suggest that parents make their own family rules.
The child is the Monkey King, and the family rules are like hoops. Usually, children can play freely and independently, but once the child breaks through the limit, you can read the hoop. Although you can't hit people, "family rules" can hit people.
In order to help parents make family rules better, I have summarized the "five elements of making family rules", which we will explain in turn.
The first element: make family rules when you are calm.
Many parents will choose to make rules for their children after quarreling, which will greatly increase the possibility of teenagers' rebellion and increase the difficulty of making family rules again in the future. Emotional things are expensive. For example, if your child goes out to play with friends and hasn't come home at 1 1, you come back and have a big fight with him, and immediately stipulate that you are not allowed to go out after 6 pm from now on. What do you think is the probability that this rule will be realized? Even if it is enforced, the children are unwilling, and it is easy to create a gap between you. Therefore, you need to make family rules when both sides are calm, not after quarreling. Rational thinking is the premise of making family rules.
The second element: the content is substantial and detailed, and listen to the wishes of children.
Take Yan's Family Instructions as an example, which is divided into seven volumes and twenty articles, including the ethics of children's education and brotherhood.
Of course, you don't need to take everything into consideration at the beginning. Your content can include: late time, mobile phone use time, study planning time, pocket money, respect for parents and children, honesty and trustworthiness, etc. Every family rule should be described in detail, and several privileges that belong to children can be added.
Teenagers are gradually maturing, and their desire for privileges is getting stronger and stronger. I suggest you listen carefully to your child's thoughts and take his opinions into account.
The third element: formulate punishment measures.
A family rule without punishment is an imperfect family rule. Appropriate punishment is an indispensable auxiliary means and an accelerator to promote children's growth, especially to enhance their sense of responsibility.
The biggest advantage of family rules is that children will not resist punishment, and you don't have to worry that the parent-child relationship will be affected by punishment, because this is a promise you made with him in black and white. If he refuses to punish, he denies himself.
Of course, punishment, like criminal law, must be commensurate with the crime. You can't stop using your mobile phone for one year just because your child stole it once, and you can't punish it too lightly, which is as intimidating as the rain in Mao Mao.
I suggest setting up a system of "regaining freedom" and "reducing sentence". For example, if you study hard and make some achievements within one month, you can regain the right to play mobile phones through negotiation. If you perform particularly well in some aspects, you can restore your previous strength in advance. The more important significance of punishment is not the punishment after making a mistake, but the prevention of slight delay, which subtly affects children and makes them mature.
The fourth element: written family rules.
As the saying goes, "national laws and regulations", it is best to make a formal agreement on family regulations in writing, and all members of the family should sign it. Once the children have objections in the future, you can come up with this black and white family rule, which can reduce many unnecessary disputes.
If it is a divorced family, we should make family rules with our ex-husband or ex-wife. No matter which family your child lives in, this family rule must be observed. Family rules must be consistent, and family rules cannot be different because of different occasions.
The fifth element: strict law enforcement
Family rules are not parents' "mouths". They changed when they said it, but they didn't change. In the process of implementing family rules, there can be no "willful law enforcement" or "excessive law enforcement".
Children may be spoiled or refuse to obey the law. In short, they will find various reasons not to obey the family rules. You must maintain the dignity of family rules. Once you give up the bottom line once, there will be no bottom line in the future, and the number of times you break through the bottom line is only 0 and countless times.
Similarly, law enforcement cannot be excessive. Of course, you will be angry because your child violates the family rules, but you should also follow the procedures, abide by the rules and take punishment measures according to the family rules. Remember not to aggravate the punishment because of anger, such family rules will lose their meaning of existence.
In today's China families, there are really few family rules, but the unique charm of family rules will not disappear with time. Family rules are correct, family style is correct, and family style is prosperous.