Act I: Drinking

Song Wu: Hello, Erin Buddy, I'm Andre Polonaise Wu Song, a famous, handsome, charming, intelligent, economical and real cream. I have been wandering the rivers and lakes for decades, and my reputation is abroad. Thank you for your wrong love. Please call me Master Wu.

But I'm lonely. I am in my twenties, and my personal problems have not been solved. In the cold night, who warms my cold face, in the hot day, who turns on the electric fan for me, who sleeps with me when it is neither too cold nor too hot. (Singing: I think I will always be lonely, so lonely all my life) No, I specially asked for leave to go home to see my brother and ask him to introduce me to a marriage! ! ! Ah! Ah! ……

Song Wu (seeing a hotel): Hotel! I'm just hungry. (enters the room and sits down) Waiter, bring the wine! The best, grandpa. I have plenty of money! !

Shop assistant: Hey, guest officer, please sit down. Do you want to drink XO Erguotou daughter Red West Lake beer or Maotai? Do you want abalone, bird's nest, shark's fin, KFC, chicken wings, McDonald's hamburger or Pizza Hut pizza?

Song Wu: (dizzy) How much is that XO?

Attendant: 1880 yuan one bottle.

Song Wu: You open it, you open it ~ ~ (the waiter raises the bottle)

Song Wu: (angry, speechless) You are kidding!

Attendant: I said, why did you do it? You said you had money, told me to serve good wine, told me to drive, and said I was joking after driving! Manager, someone here wants to eat the king's rice!

Manager (Tiger Welding): Who, you just want to eat the king's meal, and you don't ask where this is or who I am! I'm brother Biao, the former security minister of Victoria nightclub. Don't defend yourself here, or I will arrest you.

Song Wu: Brother, go down and have a rest. I want wine. Yes 1880! (Gritting his teeth) And what is the appetizer of Pizza Hut's pizza?

Shop assistant: Here you are, a bottle of XO and a pizza hut pizza. Please enjoy yourself.

Manager: Well, that's right, young man. Look down on everything. What is money? Can money sell happiness?

Song Wu: Big Brother is right (take a sip of wine). Drink good wine. It was really exciting. What strength! Good wine!

The waiter poured two more glasses of wine, but Song Wu drank, but he didn't pour any more. )

Song Wu: Waiter! Why don't you pour the wine

Attendant: Sir, if you want pizza, you can have it. There is no wine.

Song Wu: Why don't you give it to me? ! I have a lot of money. I just got paid two days ago. Don't I have money to pay you? Pour the wine!

Manager: You can't read. You can't read it yourself. This wine is called "three bowls can't cross the mountain" We are all made of Russian vodka, and the alcohol content is 97%. 8, use matches, strong thieves, drink a bowl of refreshing, drink two bowls to protect you from weakness, drink three bowls to get drunk immediately, and drink at most to ensure that you drink too much and die. ...

Song Wu: (takes a sip and smiles) This is not my arrogance. Although this wine is very strong, I can definitely drink it. Even after drinking 18 bowl, I just rinse my mouth and pour the wine!

Attendant: There are many people like you. You can drink it if you want. Buy a coffin and insure it. Our coffin shop will give you a discount on home delivery to ensure the service is in place. The telephone number is 7474774. I'll serve wine when you call.

Song Wu: Look down on me, just fight. What will you do if nothing happens to me? (takes out his cell phone and dials) Go to hell. Go to hell. That's the phone number of the coffin shop! ! Hey, I drank three bowls, so I need to drink more.

Recipient: Drink there, and drink more. I know, guys, get up! Business is coming! By the way, what kind of wooden coffin do you want?

Song Wu: What if I'm not dead?

Recipient: Then the waiter gives us money. What kind of wood do you want?

Song Wu: Suit yourself. 88

Recipient: You wait here and enjoy your drink. Our service will definitely be in place.

(Song Wu hangs up)

Attendant: Here is your wine! Take your time, this is your last meal.

Song Wu: Blow it. What will you do if the coffin shop comes?

(Song Wu raised the big bowl again and again, and several bottles of wine were swallowed in the blink of an eye. Ate 18 bowl of X.O. and left with nunchakus.

Attendant: Where is the guest officer going?

Song Wu: Go to yanggu county behind Jingyanggang.

Attendant: The guest officer must not go! Now there is a South China tiger on Jingyang Mountain. Come out as soon as it gets dark, and have killed more than 30 people. The government has ordered Orion to capture within a time limit. There are advertisements at the foot of the mountain. You can't cross the mountain except at noon. It's getting dark now. Leave if you don't want to. I think you'd better stay with me for one night.

Song Wu: You are lying again. I'm not afraid of tigers! Who am I, Song Wu? How can you be afraid of this little tiger? I have been practicing martial arts since I was a child. I want to go up the mountain. If I am with this tiger, I will catch it. Have you seen my weapon? Do you know nunchakus? (Use nunchakus quickly, huh! )

Attendant: I can tell from your appearance that you are drunk. Why are you talking nonsense? Never go!

Song Wu: Gee, I hate it when people look down on me. Stay away.

Attendant: I mean well, but you are ungrateful. Forget it, you go.

Act II: Fighting tigers

(Song Wu strode towards Jingyanggang with a short stick in his hand. After a while, a tiger jumped out. )

Song Wu: Oh! Oh, my God! Why did you let me meet this tiger? I only lived for a few years! I don't want to die! I have an 80-year-old mother in the world and unborn children in the world. How can our family live when I die?

Tiger: Hello, everyone, I am the embodiment of beauty and wisdom, bad guys and evil. Everyone is afraid of it. There is a tiger on Jingyanggang. It's a big tiger. Its scientific name is Siberian tiger, commonly known as blade. Is this an English name? Haha, Garfield! Please applaud! I like the sunshine in the morning and the sunset at night best. My favorite foods are steamed mutton, steamed bear's paw, steamed duck and boiled chicken, spaghetti, pork rolls, turkey legs, enough mashed potatoes, and ...! And the living! I haven't seen you for days!

Song Wu: I said, let's discuss it. Isn't there no South China Tiger now?

Tiger: Do you call me a South China tiger? This is called hype. If I say yes, you won't accept it!

Song Wu: Oh, so you are a fake South China tiger! Let me know the truth today, and I will shoot it quickly!

(Take out the camera to shoot)

Tiger: I'm leaving. What the hell? No filming. I want to create a scandal!

Song Wu: If you let me through, I won't shoot?

Tiger: No way, I'll kill them today! Look at me, I'm hungry!

Song Wu: Oh my God! I flashed. ...

Tiger: Don't you get it? Come again, I'm hungry!

Song Wu: I'm gone, I'm gone!

Tiger: I'm hungry! Hungry tigers eat! Hungry tigers eat! Hungry tigers eat! Hungry tigers eat! I'm exhausted!

Song Wu: (panting) I said, why did you finish it at once!

Tiger: No way. Nobody at home taught me. I'm the only one living here, and no one gives me guidance! Come again, I'm hungry!

Song Wu: Haha, that's your only action! Come on, man, come on! See what you can do to me.

Tiger: Damn it, I can't catch him! It really hurts my tiger's reputation. I didn't catch you today, and the word "Wang" on my forehead was written backwards!

Song Wu: Hey hey, who am I, Song Wu? Is a genius! Today I'm going to write your "Wang" backwards! Look at my nunchakus! Ah, hit it! (Bruce Lee voice)

Song Wu killed the tree with a stick and broke it.

Tiger: Look, it's not like nobody told you. 1' s eyesight really hurts your genius-that is, the image of a born fool. No, it didn't hit me or break the nunchakus. Lose your wife, lose your soldiers! Remember, aim a little next time! If you can't hit me, you might as well hit the flowers and plants! If I make such a low-level mistake again, my tiger's reputation will be damaged for life-my tiger never fights with such idiots!

Song Wu: How dare you say that I am a born fool! Damn it, I also put my country's top secret -0. The view of 1 has been leaked out! Look at me, I'm hungry!

Tiger: Oh, why did you do that?

(Action: Song Wu threw half nunchakus aside, grabbed the tiger's top flower skin with both hands, and raised his fist to strike hard)

Song Wu: Let you call me an idiot! Let you call me an idiot! I beat you to death.

Tiger: Ah, 1. Ah, can you use some force? I can't feel it. Recently calcium deficiency, backache and leg cramps. Please hammer me hard. Thank you.

Song Wu: I'm angry that you look down on me? Look at me!

Song Wu took off his shoes and stuffed them under the tiger's nose. )

Tiger: No, no, nerve gas! I can't even breathe. When I breathe, I get an upper respiratory infection. Help! Forgive me!

The tiger struggled for a long time and was finally smoked to death! )

Song Wu: Wow, I am really a genius! I can't believe I killed the tiger. I'm going to drag this tiger down the mountain!

(Song Wu drags the tiger down and another tiger comes out. )

Song Wu: Wow, it's over, it's over. I must smash the tiger's nest today. I just killed a tiger, which really attracted seven or eight. Alas, I really died in Jingyanggang today!

Orion: Wow, are you a person, a ghost or a god? How dare you come to Jingyanggang in the middle of the night! Don't you know there are tigers on this mountain? It's a miracle that you didn't get eaten by a tiger!

Song Wu: Tiger? I killed him long ago. Look, it is still there!

Orion: Wow, my God! Dead? Oh, dear! My mother, I'm late!

Song Wu: Why are you crying?

Orion: When the tiger dies, I lose my job!

Song Wu: Unemployment?

Orion A: You don't know, since we found this tiger, we have a job. The superior asked us to kill it and held a swearing-in meeting to kill the tiger. You didn't see the scene (waving hands) That's a large group of gongs and drums, firecrackers and red flags! We are also full of fish and meat every day, with smoke and wine! Without this tiger, it would be terrible! Therefore, if you kill the tiger today, it will ruin our work and the ecological balance here.

Hey, hey, (putting the rope on Song Wu) Go!

Song Wu: What are you doing?

Orion: yanggu county takes the case!

Song Wu: Haha! I'm not afraid of Song Wu's tiger. Am I still afraid of the county magistrate?

Orion B: Cut the crap and go!

Song Wu: Well, shooting tigers also made mistakes. (Angry tiger dragging Orion)

(coming to the county yamen)

Hey, here we are. Here we are. I'm going to play drums (with drum music).

Director: What's the matter? What drum are you drumming?

Orion: This man killed the tiger and destroyed the ecological balance. I want to see the master.

Director: OK, OK, come in!

County magistrate: Yesterday, yesterday, yesterday, I had a dream in Conan. I'm sweating like a pig and my heart is churning. My left eye jumps and my right eye jumps. I'm afraid something will happen today.

County magistrate: (pointing to Song Wu) Who are you?

Song Wu: My last name is Wu.

County magistrate: Why did Orion sue you?

Song Wu: I killed the tiger on Jingyanggang.

County magistrate: What? You are bold, bold, bold, bold!

Song Wu: Sir, do you need to be in such a hurry?

County magistrate: your boy doesn't know that with this tiger, Orion pays tribute to me every year; With this tiger, the bartender pays me a part-time salary every year. You are in harmony, and now you have completely broken my master's financial path.

┉┉: Are you Wu Song?

County magistrate: Sir, I am the honorary chairman of the "Three Bowls Without Sticks" Hotel!

Song Wu: Well, it turns out that you are behind the whole incident.

County magistrate: all the officers in class three stand still! Mourn for the unfortunate death of our most reliable tiger, its old man (there is sorrow and joy)

County magistrate: Tiger is six and a half years old. He has contributed to this country all his life. Today, he was killed innocently. He will live in our hearts forever.

County magistrate (angry): Song Wu, do you know what this crime is?

Song Wu: What crime have I committed? Kill the tiger and harm the people

County magistrate: All right, stop it. You think you are a city hunter, but in fact this tiger is protected by the state! We stocked it in Jingyanggang Wildlife Park! Did the tiger in the zoo kill you?

Song Wu: What? Zoo! How should I know?

County magistrate: Hey, even if you are not in the zoo, you can still kill animals, right? How old are you? Do you know anything about environmental protection? Do you know what is the most precious thing in the world? Don't pretend to be helpless. I've met many people like you. Somebody, take him to the rockery and put him in a cage with the monkey.

Song Wu: Ah! ! ! ! Help! ! ! ! ! Don't! ! ! ! !