A collection of classic short jokes that are hilarious

1: Once upon a time, a man was fishing and caught a squid.

Squid begged him: Please let me go, don’t roast me to eat.

The man said: Okay, then let me ask you a few questions.

Squid was very happy and said: You take the test, you take the test!

Then the man grilled the squid...

2: I once suffered from schizophrenia, but now we have recovered.

3: An international student was taking the driving license test in the United States. The road sign in front of him told him to turn left. He was not sure and asked the examiner:

“Turn left?”

Answer : "right"

So...died..

4: One day, Mung Bean committed suicide by jumping off the 5th floor. He bled a lot and turned into red bean; pus kept flowing. , turned into soybeans again; the wounds became scarred, and finally turned into black beans.

5: Xiao Ming had his hair cut, and when he came to school the next day, his classmates saw his new hairstyle and laughed: Xiao Ming, your hair looks like a kite! Xiao Ming felt aggrieved and ran outside to cry. Crying and crying~ he flew up...

6: There was a man who looked like an onion and cried as he walked...

7: Little One day the penguin asked his grandma, "Grandma, grandma, am I a penguin?" "Yes, of course you are a penguin." The little penguin asked his father again, "Dad, daddy, am I a penguin?" Yes, you are a penguin, what's wrong?" "But, why do I feel so cold?"

8: A pair of corns fell in love...

So they decided to get married. …

On the wedding day…

One corn couldn’t find another corn…

This corn asked the popcorn next to him: Have you seen our home? Is there any corn?

Popcorn: Honey, she is wearing a wedding dress...

9: The teacher played a piece of Beethoven's music in music class

Xiao Ming asked Xiao Hua: "Do you know music?"

Xiao Hua: "Yes"

Xiao Ming: "Then do you know what the teacher is playing?"

Xiaohua: "Piano."

10: Q: Two people fell into a trap. The dead are called dead people, and what are the living people called?

A: Call for help!

11: Question: What are you afraid of cloth and paper?

Answer: Cloth is afraid of ten thousand, paper is afraid of nothing.

Reason: Don’t be afraid of ten thousand (cloth), just be afraid of something unexpected (paper).

12: One day, my mother-in-law was riding in a car...

Halfway through the ride, my mother-in-law didn’t know the road...

My mother-in-law spanked the driver with a stick and said: This is where?

Driver: This is my butt...

13: An egg went to a teahouse to drink tea, but it turned into a tea egg; an egg went for a swim in the Songhua River, and it turned out It turned into a preserved egg; an egg ran to Shandong and turned into a Lu (stewed) egg; an egg was homeless and turned into a pheasant egg; an egg accidentally fell down on the road , fell to the ground and turned into a missile; an egg ran into someone's yard and turned into an atomic bomb; an egg ran to the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau and turned into a hydrogen bomb; an egg became sick and turned into a villain ; An egg got married and turned into a bastard; an egg ran to swim in the river and turned into a nuclear bomb; an egg ran into flowers and turned into a heroine; an egg rode a horse, Holding a knife, it turns out that he is Dao Ma Dan; one of the eggs is female and looks ugly, so he turns into a dinosaur egg; one of the eggs is male, and his wife commits adultery with other eggs outside, so he turns into a dinosaur egg. A bastard; an egg...

14: The host asked: Can cats climb trees? Eagle's quick answer: Yes! Moderator: Give an example! The eagle was in tears: That year, when I was asleep, the cat climbed up the tree...and then there were owls...

15: Two dung beetles discussed the welfare lottery. A said: I want to win the jackpot. Buy all the toilets within a 50-mile radius and eat enough every day! B said: You are too vulgar! If I win the jackpot, I will take care of a living person and eat fresh food every day!

16: why the chicken cross the street

Answer to get another side

17: A: What is that person doing?

B: He is shaking.

A: Why is he trembling?

B: He is cold.

A: Oh, it turns out that you won’t be cold if you tremble.

A:...

18: There was a Mr. Banana who was on a date with his girlfriend. They were walking on the street. The weather was very hot. Mr. Banana took off his clothes. My girlfriend fell down...

19: A sausage was locked in the refrigerator

I felt very cold, and then I looked at the other sausage next to me, which gave me some comfort. , said: "Look at you frozen like this, your whole body is covered with ice!" As a result, the root said: "I'm sorry, I am a popsicle."

20: Once upon a time, there was a marshmallow who went to play ball. After playing for a long time, he said: I am so tired. I feel like my whole body has softened...

21: This diver’s movement was very difficult. He made a turn. A three-week body flip followed by a front somersault, a three-and-a-half-week body flip followed by a back somersault for one month.

22: MM got lost looking for college. Met a gentle professor.

MM: Excuse me, how can I get to the university?

Professor: Only by studying hard can you go to college.

23: The director and the section chief were riding in the elevator. The director farted and said to the section chief: You farted! The section chief said: I didn't do it... The section chief was dismissed soon after. The director said at the meeting: You can't take on such big things, so what's the use of you?

24: Miss: It’s hard to do business now!

Boss: Why?

Miss: "Bird flu..."

25: A woman trembled when she encountered a robber: "I am from XX school. I just graduated and haven't found a job. Really?" No money..."

After hearing this, the robber cried bitterly, "Sister, I am also from XX school. Please take your student ID card. The person who robbed you in front of me is from XX school. Don't worry, Allah will never "Steal your own!"

26: I wanted to have sex with my girlfriend, but she said she couldn't do it without taking a shower. She promised to wash "part of it" in the cold weather. After washing, my girlfriend said very shyly: "My dear, you are so lazy. , wash with whatever you use..." I fainted after listening to it, I just brushed my teeth~~~ (a very taboo joke)

27: A blind beggar was begging on the street wearing sunglasses. .

A drunk man came over and felt sorry for him, so he threw a hundred yuan to him.

After walking for a while, the drunk man turned around and saw the blind man facing the sun to tell whether the hundred-dollar bill was genuine or fake.

The drunk man came over and took back the money and said: "You fucking don't want to live anymore, how dare you lie to me!"

The blind beggar looked aggrieved and said: "Brother, I'm so sorry. I'm here to check it out for a friend who is blind and went to the toilet. In fact, I am mute."

"Oh, that's it," so the drunk man threw down the money and shook it again. Staggering away...

28: Bird flu - it's all caused by "shit from the sky"!!!

There are two types of people who are extremely likely to get bird flu. ——1. "Beasts"; 2. People who are "worse than animals"...

29: A: Hey, how did you learn to smoke?

B: I learned it when Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit~

C: Do you know why Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit?

AB: I don’t know!

C: Because Adam doesn’t have a cigarette! (Hint: homophones for the same word)

30: A man has just been abandoned by his girlfriend. He happened to see his ex-girlfriend flirting with her new love on the street. The more he watched, the more angry he became, and he wanted to humiliate them. So he politely came forward to say hello, and said to his girlfriend Xinhuan with disdain: "You don't mind the second-hand goods I have used!" Just when he was proud of his creativity, his ex-girlfriend laughed and said: "Every inch on the outside is old, but everything on the inside is brand new!"

31: When we broke up, she gave me a kiss, and the feeling was as real as the People's Daily...

32: I just saw something like a news scroll bar at the top of my senior sister’s computer screen, and the text on it passed very quickly.

I’m curious: Is this a lyric?

Sister: Yes!

Sister: Why does it go by so fast? Didn't even see it clearly!

Sister: Jay Chou’s! !

33: Wife: I am so blind that I will only marry you if I step on shit.

Husband: I am so blind that I will only marry you if I step on shit.

Shit: I’m so unlucky! Lying there, I was stepped on by both of you...

34: College entrance examination chemistry question: A and B can be transformed into each other, B can be converted into C in boiling water, and C can be oxidized in the air. D and D smell like rotten eggs. What are A, B, C, and D?

My answer: A is chicken, B is raw egg, C is cooked egg, and D is of course rotten egg. !

35: Which is the worst, rubber, tiger skin, or lion skin?

Answer: Eraser.

Because of the eraser (bad eraser).

36: Question: What is that thing with three heads and one foot?

Answer: A monster with three heads and one foot! ! ! ! ! !

37: When the ant went to the desert, why didn’t he leave his footprints on the sand, but only a line?

Answer: Because it rides a bicycle!

The ant came home from the desert. He did not notify anyone, but his family knew that he was back! Why!

Answer: Saw his bicycle parked downstairs...

38: One day a female drug addict was caught at the police station, and the police saw a tattoo on her hand. Just ask her why you tattooed your boyfriend's name on your hand. Is his name Xiaoliang...ah...is it? Tell me, tell me...if he takes drugs... Tell me quickly

I saw the female drug addict raising her head with angry eyes

Said to the police

This is hate...

40: One day, little Mei and her boyfriend went for a drive.

The car was almost out of gas. There happened to be a gas station nearby. As they drove past, a sudden gust of wind blew her boyfriend's hat away.

Xiaomei's boyfriend said to her:

"I'm going to pick up the hat, you help me."

As soon as her boyfriend ran away, he heard Xiaomei shouted behind him:

"Come on! Come on!"

41: An orangutan passed through the woods and accidentally collected gibbon feces.

The kind-hearted orangutan cleaned up the ape and separated.

Soon after they fell in love, others asked how you got together?

The orangutan replied: "It's ape dung ( Fate).!"

42:: There was a fat man...

Jumped from a tall building...

Result It became...

The damn fat man..

43: There was a duck named Xiao Huang. One day it was hit by a car while crossing the road. Called: "Quack!" From then on, it turned into a cucumber...

44: There is a penguin whose home is so far away from the polar bear's home that it would take 20 years to reach it by walking. One day, Penguin was very bored at home and was going to go play with the polar bear. Then he went out, but when he was halfway down the road, he realized that he had forgotten to lock the door. It had been 10 years since he left, but the door was still locked. It had to be locked, so the penguin walked home again to lock the door. After locking the door, the penguin set off again to find the polar bear. It took him 40 years to reach the polar bear's house... Then the penguin knocked on the door and said: "Polar bear, polar bear, the penguin is here to play with you!" After the polar bear opened the door, guess what? What did he say? "Let's go to your house to play~"

45: The little white rabbit jumped to the bakery and asked: "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?" Boss: "Ah, really Sorry, not so much." "That's it." The little white rabbit walked away dejectedly. The next day, the little white rabbit jumped to the bakery, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?" Boss: "I'm sorry, there are still none." "That's it..." The little white rabbit walked away dejectedly. .

On the third day, the little white rabbit jumped to the bakery, "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?" The boss said happily: "Yes, yes, today we have a hundred buns!!" "The little white rabbit took out the money: "Great, I will buy two!"

46: Xiao Ming said: "Akang, let me ask you "A shark ate a mung bean, and it turned out that "What did it become?" Akang said: "I don't know, what is the answer?" Xiao Ming said: "Hey! Hey! The answer is "mung bean paste (mung bean shark)", you are very stupid!"

47: The teacher asked a classmate how to reduce white pollution? Classmate’s answer: Make the lunch box blue.

48: There was a person who had a bad gastrointestinal problem. One day, he came to the gastroenterology hospital to see a doctor and said to the doctor: "I eat whatever I want. I eat watermelon." Watermelon, cucumber and cucumber!” The doctor thought for a while and said to him: “I think you can only eat shit!”

49: On the plane, a stewardess asked a little girl: “ Why doesn't the plane hit the stars when it flies so high? "The little girl replied: "I know, because the stars will 'flicker'!"

50: There is a polar bear and a penguin together. Play, the penguin pulled out the hair on his body one by one. After pulling out, he said to the polar bear: "It's so cold!" After hearing this, the polar bear also pulled out the hair on his body one by one and turned around. The head said to the penguin: "It's really cold!"

51: Q: What do African cannibal chiefs eat?

A: People!

Q: One day, the chief fell ill and the doctor told him to be vegetarian. So what did he eat?

A: Eat a vegetable!

52: There were two sausages in the refrigerator. After a long time,

When the sausages shook, wow! It’s so cold~!

The other sausage said in surprise, Huh? How can you talk if you are a sausage?

53: One day,

there was a buck running faster and faster,

at the end,

it became High speed buck.

54: One day, the teacher took a group of children to the mountain to pick fruits.

She announced: "Children, after picking the fruits, we will wash them together. After washing, we can eat them together. . ”

All the children ran to pick fruits.

When the gathering time came, all the children gathered.

Teacher: "Xiaohua, what did you pick?"

Xiaohua: "I am washing apples, because I picked apples."

Teacher : "What about you, Xiaomei?"

Xiaomei: "I am washing tomatoes because I picked tomatoes."

Teacher: "The children are all great! Then Amin What about you?”

A Ming: “I was washing my shoes because I stepped on poop.”

55: The teacher asked Xiao Ming a question in class, but Xiao Ming stood up and said nothing. throat.

Teacher: Xiao Ming?

Teacher: Xiao Ming

Teacher: Xiao Ming! What's the matter with you? Do you know the answer? At least give it a squeak!

Xiao Ming: squeak~

56: An elephant asked the camel: ‘Why does your breast grow on your back? ’

The camel said: ‘Stay away, I won’t talk to something with a penis on its face!

57: How to make the drink bigger?

Recite the Great Compassion Mantra

58: Xiao Ming: How many times today?

Xiaohua: It’s minus 3 degrees!

Xiao Ming: No wonder it’s so cold.

59: A little boy came home from school and peeped out of the window to see a woman lying on the bed, rubbing her breasts wildly and shouting, "I want a man, I want a man!"

The next day, the little boy walked out of the window and found a man lying on the woman.

So the little boy went home and lay on the bed, rubbing his chest wildly and shouting, "I want a bicycle, I want a bicycle." !

60: Once upon a time there was a bird,

He would pass by a cornfield every day,

But unfortunately,

There was One day there was a fire in the corn field,

All the corn turned into popcorn!!!

After the bird flew over...

I thought it was snowing, but it was so cold...

61: There was a polar bear, because the snow was so dazzling that you had to wear sunglasses to see,

But he couldn't find the sunglasses, so he crawled around on the ground with his eyes closed, crawling and crawling until his hands and feet were dirty before he found the sunglasses. After putting on my sunglasses and looking in the mirror, I realized: Oh, it turns out I am a panda.

62: The nature teacher asked: Why is the body cold after death?

No one answered.

The teacher asked again: Does no one know?

At this time, a classmate stood up and said: That is because the mind is naturally cool when it is calm.

63: Xiao Ming lost a leg in a car accident,

Xiao Ming lost another leg in a car accident,

Xiao Ming lost another leg in a car accident

Xiao Ming lost his other leg in a car accident.

In fact, Xiao Ming is a dog.

64: One day, A, B, and C went out to play together and walked on the road for a long time.

Later A said that it was so boring and I really wanted to play B.

Then C glanced at A and dragged B to the alley to beat him.

65: Three little rabbits poop

The first one is long.

The second one is spherical.

The third one is actually triangular.

Asked, it replied: I squeezed it with my hands.

66: When will Taiwan want to be reunified?

When buying instant noodles

67: One day Xiaoqiang asked his father: "Dad, am I a stupid kid?"

Dad said: "Silly Child, how can you be such a stupid boy?”

68: When Xiao Ming came home, the dog next door suddenly ran out and bit him. In anger, he picked up the bamboo and wanted to beat it.

When the dog's owner saw Xiao Ming beating his dog, he was unhappy and said: Beating a dog depends on the owner, haven't you heard?

At this time Xiao Ming said: OK! I will spank your dog while watching you.

69: Chongchong: Xiaohua, did you use my pencil?

Xiaohua: No, I’m useless.

Chongchong: Are you really useless?

Xiaohua: I’m so useless!

Chongchong: Alas, you are the 17th person to admit that he is useless

70: How did the ant die after falling from the Himalayas?

Answer: Starved to death. Because it is too light, it takes a long time to float down...

80: Why is the puppy getting smaller and smaller?

Answer: Because it goes further and further.

81: Once upon a time, there was a horse! It fell into the sea while running.

So, it turned into a "seahorse"!

Another horse friend of this horse went to find the horse that fell into the sea, but ended up falling into the river. Later, he became a "hippopotamus".

The third horse is a white horse. In order to find two missing friends, it came to the city with chaotic traffic.

It was run over by several cars in succession, causing several black stripes to appear on its body.

As a result, it turned into a "zebra"!

In order to find the companions of the first three, the fourth horse came to a factory one day and was transformed into an "iron horse".

But later, those horses still couldn't escape the fate of being eaten, and they were all turned into "sand horses". The rampage spread, and all the horses were not spared, creating a horseless world...

Then, a group of people couldn't help but say after seeing this joke: "It's so cold."

Finally, in order to commemorate this joke, someone compiled it into a lesson. We called it "Marseille Lesson"!

82: Xiao Ming owed 200,000 yuan to the underground bank. Xiao Ming begged him for a few more days of grace.

The banker said: It must be paid back tomorrow, otherwise..., chop it up 2 fingers;

The day after tomorrow..., I will chop 4 fingers; the 3rd day...

Xiao Ming: Don’t you have to pay it back

It’s from the bank Person: NO, then you will become Tinker Bell.

83: A man met God one day

God suddenly became kind and planned to give the man a wish

God asked: Do you have any wish?

The man thought for a while and said: I heard that cats have 9 lives, so please give me 9 lives!

God said: Your wish has come true!

One day, that man was idle and bored,

I wanted to just die, since I have 9 lives anyway

He just lay on the railroad tracks,

As a result, a train passed by,

The man was still dead.

Why is this?

Because that train has 10 carriages.

84: A guy went to the hospital for a check-up and did many tests.

The doctor said: There is good news and bad news! After reading your test results, I discovered that you have potential homosexual tendencies! ! And it’s hard to cure!

This guy said: Oh my God! What about the good news?

The doctor said shyly: I found you quite cute.

85: A hunter went hunting with a hunting dog. He wandered in the woods for a whole day but found no prey.

It was getting dark, but he was unwilling to keep riding in the woods.

The horse suddenly said: 'You don't even let me rest, you want to exhaust me to death! ? '

The hunter was startled when he heard it. He immediately rolled off his horse, took the hunting dog and ran away. When he ran to a big tree to catch his breath, the dog patted his chest and said to him: 'Scared' It kills me, horses can actually talk! '

So the hunter was frightened to death on the spot

86: Who among the wolf, tiger and lion will be eliminated when playing the game? Wolf

Because: Momotaro (eliminated) Wolf)

87: One day A picked up a mirror and looked in the mirror and said: The people here look familiar

B said: Really? Let me take a look (continue) Passing the mirror), me! You don’t even recognize me anymore?

88: Tomato A and Tomato B go shopping.

B asked A: Where are we going?

A does not answer.

B asked again: Where are we going?

A still doesn’t answer.

B asked again.

Tomato A turned to Tomato B and said: Aren’t we from tomatoes? Why do we talk?

89: Once upon a time, there was a white cat and a black cat

One day

The white cat fell into the water

The black cat rescued it

The white cat said something to the black cat

``Q: What is this sentence?

. p>

"Meow"

90: A: "Do you know what I did in the Internet cafe last night?"

B: "In What are you doing?"

A: "Go online;"

B: "."

91: Two flies went to eat.

The younger one asked the older one: Brother, why do we eat shit every day?

The older one said: Don’t say such disgusting things while eating! !

92: In a Thatched Boat

Lu Su: "Can you really borrow arrows like this? Mr. Kong Ming?"

Zhuge Liang: "Believe me."

Lu Su: "But I'm still a little worried..."

Zhuge Liang: "That's not necessary."

Lu Su: "But, don't you think the ship Is it getting hotter?"

Zhuge Liang: "It's a bit awkward to say so...Is there something wrong?"

Lu Su: "Yeah, I'm worried about the enemy's shooting. It's a rocket..."

Zhuge Liang: "Hey! ? Zijing￣￣Can you swim￣￣￣I can't￣￣￣"

93: A monkey eats peanuts You have to stuff it into your butt before taking it out to eat.

The administrator explained this: Someone once fed it peaches,

As a result, the peach core could not be pulled out, and the monkey was frightened. Now it must be measured before eating.

94: The hospital has set up 100 channels to prevent patients from escaping, but two mentally ill patients still want to escape from the hospital. Yu Yehei worked hard

to climb over the wall. At the 30th wall,

"Are you tired?",

"Not tired." So the two continued to turn outwards.

At the 60th wall,

"Are you tired?"

"No." So the two continued to turn outwards,

At the 99th wall,

"Are you tired?"

"Tired"

"Okay, let's turn over Go back."

95: Xiao Ming: By a certain stream, four boys, Dabao, Daxiong, Dazhi, and Dawei, took off their clothes and were playing in the water.

Suddenly someone While electro-fishing by the stream, these four boys were all electrocuted! Guess an electrical appliance.