A collection of jokes that are hilarious to death

1. This is the taste. Once upon a time, there was an old father-in-law who liked to drink the soup that his wife cooked for him. As long as he didn't drink it for a day, he would feel sick all over. Later, his wife died and he couldn't drink that kind of soup. He was very sad, so he started asking his wife to cook it. But no matter how well his wife cooked it, he always threw it aside and said, "You can make such a terrible soup if it doesn't taste like this!" At first, his wife always swallowed it, but as time went by, A day passed and she still couldn't cook it. Finally she had the murderous intention to kill her father-in-law. But she didn't know how to start. She was thinking and thinking, and suddenly she found a rusty can of insecticide in the corner. She sprayed insecticide into the soup, and then mustered up the courage to give it to her father-in-law to drink. Her father-in-law shouted, "This is the taste! This is the taste!" 2. Before marriage: He: Long live the wait! I can't wait! Her: Can I leave? Him: No! Don’t even think about it! Her: Do you love me? Him: Of course! Her: Will you betray me? Him: No, how could you have such an idea? Her: Will you kiss me? Him: Yes! Her: Will you hit me? Him: No matter what! Her: Can I trust you? Read from bottom to top after marriage! 3. Booking Office: Tickets are extremely tight now. If the train ticket you want is not available, will you accept the adjustment?

Me: Obey.

After I got the ticket the next day, I was angry: I booked a ticket to Shandong, why did you give me a ticket to Shanxi! ! !

Booking Office: Didn’t you say you should obey the adjustment? 4. A person who rides a motorcycle likes to wear clothes backwards, that is, buttoning them at the back to block the wind. One day he was driving drunk, overturned, and fell on the side of the road. When the police arrived...Police Officer A: What a serious car accident. Police Officer B: Yes, my head was hit in the back. Police Officer A: Well, he’s still breathing. Let’s help him turn his head back. Police Officer B: Okay... One or two times, I tried hard and turned back. Police Officer A: Well, I’m not breathing... 5. A man was adventuring alone in the forest and suddenly found himself surrounded by cannibals. So he yelled to the sky: "I'm dead, God, save me!" As soon as the light appeared in the sky, a voice came: "Not sure yet, you pick up a big stone on the ground and smash the leader. Die." So he picked up the biggest stone on the ground and threw it at the chief, killing him. The tribesmen were all stunned for a moment, and then looked at each other angrily. At this time, another voice came from the sky: "Now you are really dead." 6. X, an employee of the human resources department of a company, was recently transferred to the public relations department downstairs. department. On this day, his friend called the original department: "Is X here?" X's colleague replied: "He is no longer in the human resources department." Friend: "Ah? When did he... go there?" Colleague: "Up "Friend: "I don't know anything about it... and I didn't give him a ride..." Colleague: "It doesn't matter, can't we just go down and find him?"

Friend: Ah, you? You really know how to joke...

Colleague: No joke, he said when he left that if anyone misses him, he is welcome to go down there and play with him at any time.

Friend: ... Isn’t this inconvenient...

Colleague: Well, it’s really inconvenient during the day, so I’ll let him find you at night! ! 7. Once upon a time, Americans visited Russia. One day I saw two Russian workers on the road in Russia. One was digging holes beside the road with a shovel, and he was digging a hole every three meters. The other worker was immediately backfilling the hole that the previous worker had just dug. The Americans were curious and asked the first Russian worker: "Why did the man behind you fill the hole as soon as you dug it?" Get up? ”

The Russian worker replied: “We are greening the road. I dig holes, the second person plants trees, and the third person fills the soil. But the second person asked for leave today and didn't come. 』 8. I woke up in the morning and saw a NetEase comment. The first floor: Everyone, calm down. Come over and listen to what the fifth floor has to say? 2nd floor: I think what 5th floor said makes sense.

The third floor: The fifth floor expressed the aspirations of the people. The fourth floor: The fifth floor really said it very well! 9. One time when the bell rang after class and everyone had to go home, a boy stepped on his right foot with his left foot when he was going down the stairs, and he fell in the middle of the road with a big "pop"... He thought at that time: No, this is embarrassing. If you are older, you have to pretend to be dizzy. As a result, the classmate next to him saw that the boy was motionless, so he quickly helped him up, and then slapped him wildly from left to right... 10. Two children talking:

A said: Our whole family likes animals, and my mother does. Cats, my brother likes dogs, and my sister likes little white rabbits.

B said: What about your father?

A said: I like vixens. 11. A customer walks up to the front desk.

Customer: "Give me a small bowl."

Me: "Huh?"

The customer pointed to the menu and I realized that he wanted a sundae.

Me: "Sundae, right? What flavor do you want?"

Customer: "Apple."

Me: "Huh? I'm sorry. I’ve never sold apples.”

Customer: “What’s that green one?”

Me: “Oh, that’s aloe flavored.”

Customer: "Aloe vera? Isn't that a flower? Can it be eaten?"

Me: "Yes!"

Customer: "Forget it, I never eat blindly. I want coffee It’s flavored.”

Me: (confused) “I’m sorry, I’ve never sold coffee flavor.”

Customer: “What’s the black one?”

Me: "That's chocolate."

Customer: "Forget it, chocolate is too sweet, I want the red one. It's strawberry."

Me: (Super happy, I guessed correctly once.) "Yes, how many do you want?"

Customer: "One, but I don't eat sesame seeds, please give me all the strawberry seeds Pick it out.”

Me:!@~#$%^&&**~!@#$%^&* 12. Someone bought a jar of good wine and placed it on the corridor last week. The next day, he found that one-fifth of the wine was missing, so he put the words "No Stealing Wine" on the barrel. On the third day, the wine was two-fifths less. He was very angry and posted the words "Those who steal alcohol will be severely punished." On the fourth day, the wine was still stolen, and only a fifth of it was left. His lungs almost exploded with anger. When his friend knew this, he said to him: "Idiot! You won't put the word 'urine bucket' on the wine barrel to see who will drink secretly?" He thought it made sense, so he did it. On the fifth day, he cried: The bucket is full... 13. Failed interview examiner; What is the retail price of Windows 7 Professional Edition in mainland China?

Me: 5 yuan

Examiner: Get out, next one

The word "give up" has never appeared in my dictionary.

I applied and applied again and again,

Finally I got a chance to interview at Google

However, I went to Google for an interview and was kicked out after answering just one question...

Examiner: Where did you get the news about the Google interview?

Me: Baidu

Examiner: Go out, next one

Brother is depressed , but you still have to support yourself first.

Drag a friend to find a job at McDonald's. .

But the other party was very perverted and asked me to sing a McDonald's song.

My brother laughed at that time. I have known McDonald's songs since I was a child.

So I opened my mouth and said: With KFC, life will taste better!

Examiner: Get out~~~~~~~~~

The interview at McDonald’s failed.

My mother dragged people to find a mobile customer service job.

My mother said that this does not require technical skills and you should try it first. I agreed without thinking about it.

The interview went very well, and the other person appreciated me very much. Finally, the examiner said to me:

You are very good. Please leave your phone number so that we can notify you to work.

Me: "132...."

Examiner: Get out. . . .

My heart is broken. . . I have been unemployed for so long, eating and drinking from home.

My family looks at me with a little helplessness.

I walked to a shopping mall and saw Adi looking for a clerk. I thought I should give it a try. Examiner: Please tell us our slogan,

Me: just do it< /p>

Examiner: Go out, next one.

Failures again and again did not dampen my confidence.

So I calmed down, studied hard, and finally got admitted to our local civil servant with excellent results.

However, TMD still needs an interview.

During the interview, I answered questions well. When I saw the examiner’s face, I felt that there would be no problem with this job.

When I am happy.

The examiner asked me: Young man, which historical figure do you like best?

I answered without thinking: Heshen!

Examiner: Get out. This failure made me think about life very important. Looking back on the past, I finally discovered that the most important thing is that I answered some questions incorrectly.

But for this interview, I was fully prepared.

NOKIA’s product department notified me, and I spent a week doing all the work.

Even the slogan is correct: technology is people-oriented.

The examiner was very satisfied and said: If nothing happens, you can come to work tomorrow.

At this time, the phone rang, and a discordant voice appeared: "HELLO MOTO". 14. Since the telephone was installed in the dormitory, we have become "gentlemen". A gentleman talks but does not do anything. Of course, he is too lazy to move his legs. If there is anything, he would rather spend some phone bills than go out and walk around. There is a young man named Li Lei in our house. He found a job during the summer vacation and worked as a programmer on a website. Yesterday he went to work and someone called him. I answered the call. I said Li Lei was not here, and the other party asked him if he had returned to his hometown? I said no, and the other party said: "Then tell him that I am his classmate. Ask him to call me when he comes back. The phone number is ××××." I took a note and wrote it down (I later found out that actually That’s the phone number across from the dormitory, and we’re not familiar with it.) When Li Lei came back in the evening, I told him about the phone call. He said it was probably a call from a high school classmate, so he answered the call. Li Lei is from Shaanxi. As soon as the call came through, he asked, "Do you have anyone from Shaanxi here?" The person who answered the phone said, "We don't have one here, but there is one right across from us. Just wait a moment and I'll call you." ....." Immediately, he heard shouting from the corridor: "Li Lei, come here and answer the phone, you fellow!" Li Lei was stunned for a moment, and said to the third son of our house, I will go over and answer the phone, you can help me here! I stared at it, and if it got through, I said I would be back in a while. Li Lei passed by and the third child picked up the phone. Within a few seconds, the voice of "Hey, hello" came from inside. The third child immediately said: "He's out, please wait a moment!" Then he opened the door and shouted: "Li Lei, the call has gone through. Come back quickly." Li Lei waited there for a while, then hung up when there was no response. He went back to the house and took the phone from the third child. He could only hear the "beep" sound after hanging up. "Strange!" he said depressedly, "Why is no one answering?" Then he picked up the slip of paper with the number on it and dialed the number again: "Do you have anyone from Shaanxi here..." 15. The unlucky Japanese were traveling by plane with people from four countries. The plane was suddenly overloaded. The pilot said: Our plane is now overweight and one person must jump off. The Americans shouted: "Long live the United States of America" ??and jumped off the plane. The pilot said: It's still too heavy and he has to jump again. The British shouted: "Long live the Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland" and jumped off the plane. At this time, the driver said that he was more important and wanted to jump again. The Chinese came out, and the Japanese held the Chinese's hand affectionately and said, "I will never forget the kindness of the Chinese people in my life!" At this time, the Chinese shouted: "Long live the Republic of China!" "Then he kicked the Japanese down. The next day, people from four countries took a plane to travel abroad. Unexpectedly, the plane broke down. The Americans said, there are three parachutes here, and one of us must jump off the plane. The American said: "I will give you a question, and whoever can't answer it will jump off. "All three people agreed. The Americans asked the Chinese: "How many suns are there in the sky? Chinese: "One." The American asked the British: "How many moons are there in the sky?" "British man: "One.

The Americans asked the Japanese: "How many stars are there in the sky?" "Japanese: "..." The Americans kicked him off. On the third day, they took a plane trip again, and the plane broke down again. The Americans said: "There are only three parachutes here. Someone must get off the plane." As usual, I will set the question. "The Americans asked the Chinese: "A few years ago, a giant passenger ship crashed. What was it called? "Chinese:"Titanic. "The Americans asked the British: "How many people died in that accident? "UK:" 1,503 people. The Americans asked the Japanese again: "What are the names of the 1,503 people?" "Japan: "..." The United States kicked the Japanese in the face and kicked him off the plane. On the fourth day, the four of them went on a trip again, and the plane broke down again. The Americans came over at this time without saying anything. Japan yelled: "Forget it, you don't have to kick me, I'll jump by myself." After saying that, he jumped off the plane. The American shouted to the door: "Damn, you are sick. There are 5 parachutes on the plane today!" " 16. Post owner: Ma Yili gave birth to a daughter. Because she is nine years older than Wen Zhang, her daughter's nickname is "Jiuer".

Reply: Wu Bai's father is so miserable... 17. Q: Xiao Ming did his summer homework, but he failed on the second day. Why? A: Because he did his homework and couldn't live. 18. The perverted poster: I really want to go to Korea and then...

The violent reply: Die. Over there... 19. A man was about to starve to death in the desert. Then he picked up the magic lamp. The magic lamp said, "I can only grant you one wish. Say it quickly. I'm in a hurry." "Man: "I want a wife..."

The magic lamp immediately transformed into a beautiful woman, and then said disdainfully: "You are almost starving to death and you are still greedy for beauty! sad! "After saying that, he disappeared.

Person: "...cake. " 20. Literary verses about teachers: When the Chinese teacher turns around, Lu Xun is willing to be a bully

When the math teacher turns around, he can ask for six yuan six times

When the English teacher turns around, he speaks in foreign language Run around the world

When the physics teacher turns around, a lever will pry the earth

When the chemistry teacher turns around, carbon dioxide turns into gasoline

When the labor teacher turns around, everything is broken. Come to the catwalk

When the physical education teacher turned around, Daiyu could also play football

When the political teacher turned around, the whole class was sleepwalking

When the art teacher turned around, he was confused Nalisa is also romantic

Look at the most awesome slang words for office workers. Check out the most awesome slang words for office workers in the workplace. The dictionary of the most awesome “slang words” for office workers is exposed. 1. Ordinary employees (not too smart) 2. Extraordinary employees (haven’t made any mistakes yet) ) 3. Good at social interaction (can drink) 4. Strong observation ability (often makes small reports) 5. Enthusiastic work attitude (stubborn) 6. Quick thinking (can find excuses quickly) 7. Enterprising (often invites everyone to dinner) 8 , clear logic in complex work (can push work to others) 9. Strong judgment (lucky) 10. Strong professionalism (harming others secretly) 11. Easy-going (can be fired at any time) 12. Model employee (on time for work) 13. Good at releasing stress (dozes off at work) 14. Work comes first (so ugly that no one wants to date him) 15. Strong ability to work independently (no one knows what he is doing) 16. Long-term vision (always delays work again and again) 17 , Have excellent eloquence (can make nonsense) 18. Strong communication skills (often chat on the phone) 19. Down-to-earth and loyal (it is difficult to find a job elsewhere) 20. Full of sense of humor (can tell many dirty jokes)

The meaning of conversation at work is to speak duplicity without conscience. Here are some more appropriate interpretations of office conversation. It is recommended that you refer to it to avoid not understanding what the other party is saying. 1. Original text: Maybe I can work overtime to finish the job. (Note: How long do you want me to work? Are you still willing to live?) 2. Original text: I'm not sure if this is feasible. (Note: This is nonsense.) 3. Original text: Really? (Note: Nonsense!) 4. Original text: Maybe you can ask others for their opinions (Note: Just wait and see who will pay attention to you!) 5. Original text: Of course I am too. Concern. (Note: Who has time to care about this!) 6. Original text: Sorry, I am not involved in this plan. (Note: Leave me alone, what does this matter have to do with me?) 7. Original text. : Well, that's interesting.

(Note: What is this!) 8. Original text: I will try to insert this matter into the work progress. (Note: Why didn’t you explain earlier?) 9. Original text: He may not be familiar with this matter. (Note: His head is filled with paste!) 10. Original text: So you are not satisfied with this work? (Note: Damn it, what are you trying to find fault with?) 11. Original text: The workload at hand may be a little too heavy. (Note: I only receive this small salary. Do you want to tire me out?) 12. Original text: I like to accept challenges. (Note: What kind of bad job is this!) 13. Original text: You may not understand it well yet. (Note: Is there water in your head?) 14. Original text: I understand, I understand. (Note: What did this guy say?) 15. Original text: Yes, we should discuss it. (Note: Alas! Another idiot meeting!)

Funny sentences and comments: It will be sunny on Monday, February 30th

The sun did not rise all day today, which is really bad. My father bought two goldfish and raised them in a water tank. One of them drowned. I was very sad.

Teacher’s comment: I am also very sad. In all my life, I have never met a 30th in February! I have never seen a sunny day without the sun, and I have never seen a goldfish that would drown.

1. Title: While...while...

The child wrote: He was taking off his clothes and putting on his pants at the same time.

Teacher’s comment: Should he take it off or put it on?

2. Topic: Among them

The child wrote: One of my left feet is injured.

Teacher’s comment: Are you a centipede?

3. Topic: Continuously

The children wrote: After get off work, my father came home one after another.

Teacher’s comment: How many fathers do you have?

4. Topic: Sad

The child wrote: There is a ditch in front of my house, which is very sad.

Teacher’s comment: The teacher is even sadder.