I may not know everything about you, but I can feel your emotions.

——Children’s Guardian

Perhaps the most “distinctive” second-generation star is Faye Wong’s daughter Dou Jingtong.

Dying his hair, getting tattoos, drinking, and playing rock music, who would have thought that this "bad boy" who looks rebellious on the outside is actually a gentle boy who is hardworking, kind, and polite.

Not only is she polite and well-educated, but she has also achieved outstanding results in the music field as a singer: when she was 15 years old, she played and sang "With You" which became a hit on the Internet, and when she was 19 years old, she won the "The 3rd QQ Music Peak Festival Annual New Power Female Singer in the Music Industry".

Such outstanding children grew up under the "casual parenting" model of their mother, Faye Wong.

When her daughter was in school, she found life boring and wanted to go out for fun. Faye Wong drove her daughter to skip school and went out to play, shouting "Success in skipping school!"

Even when Dou Jingtong dropped out of school twice, Faye Wong just said calmly: "As long as you don't regret it."

Parents will have a headache if any child is faced with these problems. But Faye Wong had an indifferent attitude from the beginning to the end. Many netizens lamented: "The queen is really 'big-hearted'"!

But it is such a seemingly "unreliable" mother who has raised a free-spirited, sensible and kind-hearted girl.

In fact, Faye Wong may seem "big-hearted" on the surface, but she may not care about her children's growth in her heart. She is guiding the children in a smart way, moisturizing and silently, and at the same time giving them sufficient space to grow.

This kind of parenting method is worth learning from every parent.

01. Parents’ “moderate neglect” can give children precious opportunities for growth

Recently, my best friend shared her parenting experience with me.

My best friend’s son is in the second grade of elementary school this year and has trouble staying in bed. Every morning, I get up slowly after being urged by my best friend no less than ten times.

Starting from last Monday, my best friend only calls her son once to wake up. After confirming that his son hears it, her best friend will go into the kitchen to prepare breakfast. Even if the child is still in bed, her best friend will act like she has not seen him. Focus on doing your own thing.

One day, his son was called out and criticized by the teacher because he was late for getting up late. This also affected the honor evaluation of his group. He felt ashamed and blamed himself.

Since then, he has never stayed in bed again. Sometimes he even sets his own alarm clock and gets up when the alarm clock rings.

My best friend concluded enthusiastically: "Sometimes you have to 'turn a blind eye' to your children's wrong behaviors and let them bear the consequences of their actions, so that the children can have a long memory."

In fact, the education method of best friends is the "natural consequences method" proposed by the famous French educator Rousseau.

Rousseau believes that if a child makes a mistake and causes bad consequences, let him suffer it himself, experience and bear the bad consequences of his mistakes, and learn from them.

The key to the "natural consequences method" is that when parents face their children's inappropriate behavior, they must achieve "moderate neglect", at least superficial neglect, and do not interfere with the child's behavior. Prejudgments are made as a result.

Writer Yin Jianli wrote such a story in her book "A Good Mother is Better than a Good Teacher":

The daughter always hesitated to do her homework. Although the couple was anxious, But they all endured it.

Until one day my daughter had a nightmare that she had not done her homework and was criticized by the teacher. After waking up, I found that my homework was really not finished. I hurriedly stayed up late to catch up on my homework. Since then, my daughter has finished her homework early every day after school.

In the face of their children's wrong behavior, those "big-hearted" parents seem to "sit back and do nothing", but in fact they are letting their children bear the consequences of their actions, which is causing them to experience setbacks. Chance.

The growth effect brought by one bad frustration experience is better than the nagging of parents a hundred times.

This is precisely the most intelligent way of education, because they understand:

What determines the growth of children is their own experience and experience, not the preaching and nagging of their parents!

When the child touched the door handle, Ma Yashu shouted: No!

The child was curious and touched the seafood in the market. Ma Yashu said nervously: "Don't touch it."

In order to ensure the safety of her children at home, Ma Yashu moved all the furniture away, leaving only a soft carpet.

When her daughter cried on the first day of kindergarten, her mother Ma Yashu broke down emotionally with her child.

But on the contrary, her daughter Mia has very little independence and a willful personality.

Mia had a lot of problems on her first day in kindergarten.

The kindergarten teacher complained that Mia couldn’t go to the toilet on her own and even peed in her pants. She also couldn’t eat or anything and needed to be fed by the teacher. He also had constant problems getting along with other children, and he was always crying and fussing.

When her mother tried to teach Mia how to dress, bathe, use the toilet, and cultivate her independence, Mia stubbornly refused to learn or grow. When he is unhappy, he will even hit his mother.

The difficulties you face are the biggest difficulties in the world. Your own feelings come first, and everyone must accommodate themselves.

If things go on like this, children will form the habit of being self-centered in everything, doing whatever it takes to achieve their own goals, without any regard for the feelings of others.

Behind all the "naughty children" who only have room for themselves, there are parents who only see their children.

03. Be a smart parent with a big heart but a delicate heart

Smart parents don’t care or take care of everything, but they do it at the right time and in the right way. , moderate guidance.

We must turn a blind eye on the surface, but also be delicate and sensitive on the inside, follow the child silently, and provide timely help when the child needs it.

1) When children encounter problems, they should be "moderately ignored"

When children encounter problems, parents should not intervene immediately and rush to help their children solve the problem, but should respond according to the situation. , showing moderate "neglect". This actually creates an opportunity for children to face and solve problems alone.

In the program "Mom is Superman", Hu Ke's two sons had conflicts and even fought.

Faced with the quarrels and fights between his two sons, Hu Ke behaved quite calmly, pretending not to see or hear, and letting the two brothers solve the problem on their own.

In the end, the two children peacefully resolved their conflicts in their own way, and shook hands and talked and laughed again.

Hu Ke's "turning a blind eye" was called the calmest way to deal with it by netizens.

Many times, if parents rush to intervene in the problems faced by their children, they may amplify the problem.

Cold treatment, similar to neglect, actually gives children more time and space to solve their problems.

The so-called "moderate neglect" means that parents must observe their children and the problems they face from a calm and objective perspective, while maintaining an attitude of staying out of the matter.

2) When children are willful, they should "ignore them at the right time"

When children try to achieve their own goals through crying and willfulness, parents should be calm and composed. The best way is Leave the child alone and ignore him for the time being until the misbehavior subsides.

A foreign video has attracted many netizens to watch:

In the supermarket, a boy was rolling on the ground, trying to buy something he liked.

There were two men standing next to him, still chatting and laughing, as if they didn't see it. They are the child's father and grandfather.

There was no accusation, abuse, or anger. They chatted nearby as if they hadn't seen it, waiting for the child to get up on his own.

Finally, the child found that his crying had no effect, so he got up from the ground.

Dad asked: "Now, do you want to come with us?"

The child nodded and followed his father and grandpa to leave the supermarket obediently.

When a child tries to satisfy his unreasonable demands by playing tricks and crying, the "neglecting" attitude shown by the parents is silently but firmly telling him: Everything you do means nothing to me. It has no influence or effect.

After the child discovers that his behavior has not achieved any expected results, he will stop his willful and stubborn behavior.

At this time, if the parents make their own suggestions, the children will obediently obey.

3) When children have emotions, they cannot be ignored

Psychologist Professor Isabella Filiosa once said: A child who is always emotionally accepted in a timely manner , you will gain strong inner strength.

Sun Li once shared her parenting experience: “When a child is dissatisfied, angry, or sad, all he needs is a hug from you. Don’t preach. Understand him from his perspective and support him. , encourage him to talk about the big principles when they are in a good mood.”

Yes, when children have emotional problems, perhaps parents can provide timely understanding and comfort to their children. Great power to help children get out of negative emotions.

Therefore, in the face of children's emotional changes, parents must be aware and aware of their children's emotions in a timely and keen manner, and tell their children through behavior or language: I can understand your emotions; I understand your feelings. .

In fact, parents who seem careless may not necessarily raise lazy and casual children, and parents who are micromanaging may not necessarily raise excellent and perfect children.

Those parents who appear to be "big-hearted" actually have a deeper love for their children. Underneath the seemingly "let it go" attitude, there is silent encouragement and trust in the children.

There has never been a unified standard for raising children, but for children, the most ideal love is:

I may not know everything about you, but your joys and sorrows I can relate.

Producer: Deng Dong

Editor-in-Chief: Wu Siyu