Highlights International students studying alone in a foreign country will always feel the sense of isolation caused by the impact of different cultures. This is especially true among underage children, who are also called "third parties". Cultural Children”. How should third culture children get through the period of confusion? Bund Education invited teacher Jiang Peirong, who has three children at home and has experienced two cross-cultural transitions, to share with you the key points of culture shock and how parents can help their children cope with culture shock and balance their mentality based on her own experience.
Text丨Zhou Yingying Editor丨Travis
With the development of international education, the group of international students is becoming increasingly large and younger. Some of them moved with their parents, and some studied overseas alone. However, they all live in a culture different from their home country and are called "third culture children."
Dr. Ruth Useem, an American sociologist, first proposed the term "Third Culture Kids" (TCK for short) in his book "Third Culture Kids" published in 1950. ) this statement.
It refers to those children who studied and grew up in a country other than their parents’ home environment during their early childhood, or during their youth’s character-building period. Because of the cultural differences between them and their parents, they need to deal with a series of challenges as they grow up.
"Third Culture Children"
The most striking feature of "Third Culture Children" is that they do not belong to any single culture.
In the cross-cultural process, they need to experience a series of cultural conflicts and social challenges, as well as the identity and belonging recognition of "who am I". At the same time, they also have to deal with the sense of loss that comes with constantly saying goodbye.
In the article "Abandoning "elite education", how do these high-achieving parents "go against the trend" in raising children?", the couple interviewed Jiang Peirong and their family are a typical cross-cultural family.
Jiang Peirong was the chief interviewer of MIT China, the author of several best-selling books on family education, and the mother of three sunny boys; her husband, Lin Weiqian, was a former CEO of Microsoft Venture Capital. Head of China Region, Director of Operations of Microsoft Asia Pacific R&D Group
Jiang Peirong and his wife
As the first generation of "third culture children" (TCK), Jiang Peirong and her husband, in their childhood, They all moved to North America and became international students, and both were admitted to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
Later, due to job transfers, their eldest son Kevin, second son Kane, and younger son Kai'an were all in school. As children, they were transferred from the United States to Chinese public schools. When they were in middle school, they were transferred to international schools.
In this way, Jiang Peirong's three children have experienced "cross-culture" twice. "The transformation has also encountered more cultural shock than ordinary TCK children.
Now, Kevin has graduated from MIT, gave up the opportunity of a big company in Silicon Valley, and joined a start-up company, spending his free time He not only writes poetry, but also participates in various charity activities; Kane also graduated from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, using his social skills to explore the combination of professional knowledge and management; Kevin, who loves art, is encouraged by his parents , and finally got an offer from the Chicago Academy of Fine Arts.
This time, Jiang Peirong will tell us about the cultural shock and various challenges that cross-cultural children will encounter, based on her own personal experience and that of her children. What aspects can families of international students prepare for?
Jiang Peirong’s family of five
Compared with language, cultural shock is the biggest challenge
In order to To give her children an immersive opportunity to learn Chinese, Jiang Peirong decided not to send her children to an international school, but to attend a Chinese public school.
Jiang Peirong felt that since she came to Beijing, she should do as the locals do and learn. The local culture and language cannot waste this opportunity.”
However, when they first moved to China to study, the Chinese proficiency of the three children was really worrying.
The eldest son, Kevin, is already in sixth grade. When they first transferred to a Chinese school, they didn’t even know basic pinyin, but children of the same age already knew five to six thousand Chinese characters; the youngest son, Kane, was only two years old. , in a Chinese kindergarten, I couldn’t understand almost a single Chinese character and cried for three whole months.
Of course, it’s not just the children who are in trouble. Because Jiang Peirong and his wife immigrated overseas when they were young, they did not have many opportunities to use Chinese on a daily basis. Even they themselves had to start from scratch and learn Chinese with their children.
Fortunately, in the immersive Chinese environment, the Chinese language proficiency of the three children has been greatly improved.
After experiencing the "language pain period", the three children can all understand the teacher's lessons and can communicate freely with their peers. If you put aside your American citizenship, at least they look the same as Chinese children.
"However, as children of a third culture, the problems they experience are actually more complicated than we imagine. It is not just the most superficial issues of how fast they can learn language and whether they can keep up with their studies. "
Looking back on their cross-cultural study experience, the children said frankly: "The language barrier is almost a trivial factor. The biggest challenge is actually the cultural shock and thinking mode behind it, and there is also a '. The pain of outsiders. ”
Traditionally, we would think that the biggest difficulty faced by international students is the language challenge. As long as the language barrier is passed, integrating into study and life abroad will be a matter of course.
Jiang Peirong said: In fact, coping with cultural shock and self-identity may be much more difficult than mastering language tools. This is also an issue that many parents ignore.
Jiang Peirong’s second son Kane is a typical example. He has been trying to understand his status as an “outsider”.
When he was studying in an American elementary school, he recited the Declaration of Allegiance to the American flag every day and considered himself a patriotic American. When I arrived at a Chinese school, because I refused to wear a red scarf, my relationship with the teacher became tense and I also had quarrels with my classmates.
However, when he went back to the United States for summer camp and met Americans who were prejudiced against the Chinese, he would angrily correct, defend, and debate with his American classmates.
"Which country am I from?" He was confused. "The most classic identity struggle is when China competes with the United States during the Olympic Games and struggles with which national team to support?"
In the process of integrating into different cultural environments, it is not just about identity and belonging. emotional problems, as well as social problems caused by cultural conflicts.
“When they first enter an environment, children can understand every word the other person says, but they don’t understand the other person’s way of thinking and perspective; when participating in school drama rehearsals, they cannot capture the hidden meanings. The jokes behind the lines... These are cultural alienations."
Jiang Peirong's second son Kane
Many international students have studied abroad for many years, but cannot fully integrate into local life. lock up.
This is because, although there are friends from various countries in their social circle, their best friends are still Chinese.
Regarding the question of "how to improve children's social confidence in an international environment", Jiang Peirong expressed her experience: "Hobbies are the best social business cards and the best way to give children social skills. The method is to let him pursue his own interests."
Music is a common hobby of this family, so Jiang Peirong and his wife formed a "Lin Family Band" with their children. Every time they arrive in a new city or community, they find like-minded partners through musical performances.
Music has become their "common language" to integrate into local life and social circles.
"The emotional connection between people is based on interests and experiences. Even if the language and culture are different, as long as we have the same interests and hobbies, we can get along like a fish in water. ."
A family of five forms the "Lin Family Band"
The way to deal with cultural conflicts varies from person to person
Regarding the cultures that cross-cultural children may encounter Jiang Peirong is no stranger to conflict, even prejudice and discrimination.
When Jiang Peirong was 11 years old, she and her two younger sisters came to Vancouver, Canada from Taiwan and became a young international student without their parents.
Although they grew up amidst white discrimination against people of color, the three sisters' acceptance of the new environment and the way they responded to it were completely different.
Jiang Peirong, who has strong self-esteem, decided not to integrate into the new environment. She still pursues Taiwanese pop songs and TV series and is proud of her Chinese identity. On the contrary, her second sister likes the new environment very much and fully embraces it. Culture, becoming a true Canadian; and the youngest sister, the most sensitive, she is ashamed of her identity.
Judging from the cross-cultural story of the three sisters, the reaction of the TCK group to new culture, language, and environment is completely different from person to person.
However, this cultural identity and sense of belonging are also constantly changing.
After the three sisters Jiang Peirong arrived at college, the younger sister, who originally rejected her identity the most, suddenly wanted to find her roots. Because her college classmates were very curious about her Asian identity, she majored in East Asian Studies. After graduation, she returned to Taiwan, her birthplace, and became a lawyer. She worked in the most authentic Chinese, which impressed Jiang Peirong's whole family.
"There is no need to worry about the child, because his identity will be completely changed when studying and living in a foreign country. For a cross-cultural child, his sense of cultural belonging may be affected by his own personality. , preferences, and even the influence of classmates and friends are not static.
”
From another perspective, do cross-cultural children have more diverse identities instead of a single cultural affiliation?
Jiang Peirong also discussed this with her children Question, their answer is, “They consider themselves neither fully American nor fully Chinese, but rather have absorbed the cultural values ??of both countries. ”
Similarly, this characteristic can be seen more or less in many international students. Because they do not belong to a single culture, they are better at thinking about problems from multiple cultures and perspectives. .
Father Lin (middle) and three sons
The same is true for Jiang Peirong’s family atmosphere. “We will not only look at one side’s point of view when discussing any news and current affairs. Children will find news media from all over the world. What does China say? What does the United States say? What about Russia? What will the Middle Eastern world say? Understand enough information, think about it yourself, and then draw objective conclusions. ”
Looking back on this cross-cultural experience, Jiang Peirong’s three children all believed that it was the most precious gift in growing up: “The adversity and challenges brought about by cultural shock just provided an unfettered perspective, forcing us to open our minds and start thinking critically at an early age. ”
In the future, with the development of globalization, more and more cross-cultural children will emerge who study, live, and work around the world. They will not be able to answer “Where are you from?” Where are you from? "Such a simple question can only be answered by "My nationality is **, and I currently live in **." ”
They are more like “citizens of the world”. They do not need to seek a sense of security through a specific living environment. They can switch freely among different cultures and are full of enthusiasm for various cultures.
Just after this interview with Bund Jun, Jiang Peirong’s youngest son, Kai’an, was about to graduate from high school and go to the Art Institute of Chicago; the couple also rented their house in Seattle. Driving a RV, they began a journey of "home all over the world"; the eldest son Kevin planned to spend some time in the Arab Middle East and Africa after finishing his work.
Jiang Peirong and his wife. "RV Travel"
Jiang Peirong said: "We all enjoy this 'drifting' state. Compared with living in one place forever, obviously a new country and a completely different culture are more attractive. force. ”
The psychological need to deal with the sense of loss
“From the day you send your children to international schools or study abroad, you will raise a ‘third culture’ children.
They come into contact with foreign teachers every day, and their classmates come from all over the world, and they communicate with each other in foreign languages.
Due to differences in culture, language and thinking, the conflict of ideas between third culture children and the older generation may be more intense. ”
Jiang Peirong deeply agrees with this statement.
Nowadays, many parents tend to send their children to study abroad from a very young age, which also makes the international student group There is a trend of getting younger and younger.
“Is it better to study abroad as early as possible? Regarding this question, Jiang Peirong has her own opinion, "In middle school, high school and younger age groups, regardless of whether they choose to study abroad, parents should stay with them as much as possible instead of letting their children face cultural conflicts and identity recognition alone. challenges. ”
Children of this age group have many adolescent sensitivities, such as caring about their popularity in the eyes of their peers, worrying about whether they can make male and female friends, and whether they can be accepted by their circle of friends... …
Although host families and school teachers can provide some help, they cannot replace the important role that parents play in life.
“If you don’t get along with your children day and night, it won’t matter. It is difficult for parents to capture the confusion and emotional loss that their children are facing through daily video calls. The absence of parental roles at this stage will also leave great problems in the parent-child relationship. "
For a while, when my youngest son Kai'an just transferred to an international school, he was in a bad mood and seemed to have no passion for school life. Sensitive Jiang Peirong guessed that maybe it was because he had been in a local school When Kai'an was growing up, it was difficult to integrate into the circle of foreign classmates, and she might even have been excluded and discriminated against.
She found ways to chat with her children, but she also paid attention to methods and would not be straightforward. Ask: “How do you get along with your new classmates? "Are you popular with everyone?" "Jiang Peirong believes that if parents ask this, children with high self-esteem will generally not tell the truth to you, and will perfuse parents.
She suggested that parents might as well learn to "make insinuations", such as: "You are a person at lunch. Do people eat it? "Who is eating with you?" Do you like this friend? Can you introduce it to me? "Similar to skilled parent-child dialogue, it will not offend the children, and parents can understand the relationship between the children and their peers and their integration into the new environment in a timely manner.
Kai'an designed the illustrations for the inside pages of the mother's book "Raising Children with an Abundant Mindset"
"Vulnerability" is the most important key to linking emotions, and the same is true in the parent-child relationship. After understanding your child's situation, Jiang Peirong reminds you that you might as well play the role of a "weak", share your fragility and struggles with your child, embrace her, and make your child willing to open up to you about their inner vulnerability.
If you want to have more ***the same topics with your children, parents should also lead by example, try to integrate into another culture with an open mind, and let your children know that you are also meeting challenges and growing up. .
Of course, the most important point, and the most easily overlooked point, is that cross-cultural children will face more feelings of loss.
David Pollock, a third culture researcher and co-author of "Third Culture Children" said: "Before the age of 20, a TCK needs to deal with more loss experiences than a monoculture person in a lifetime. ”
The sense of loss caused by saying goodbye to something for a long time, which may be an object that is difficult to take away, a living environment that has been accustomed to, or a relationship that is difficult to let go, is what the TCK group needs to face most. a psychological feeling.
To help children resolve this sense of loss? Jiang Peirong's trick is to use external tools, such as small objects that can express inner pain.
In 2003, when Jiang Peirong and his wife moved their three children to Beijing from the United States, she prepared a memory box for each child. From now on, every time they leave a place, the children will pick something and put it in their own memory box.
To this day, they still keep their memory boxes, but the objects in them are constantly updated. No matter how the space changes, there are always some important memories with you.
“In addition, writing is also a good way to relieve your inner feelings. You will find that many TCKs are good at writing. Because they have a lot of things in their hearts that they want to express or talk about, they usually resort to The end of the pen."
Just like Jiang Peirong's eldest son Kevin, this "science and engineering man" who was admitted to MIT early, likes to express his inner feelings by writing poems.
At present, he has written three novels and more than 400 poems. One of them is a semi-autobiographical youth inspirational novel "Adventure is a Red Bicycle", which truly reproduces an adolescent boy in the form of a diary. , the story of how to get out of losing yourself after immigrating despite language barriers, unsatisfactory grades, and tense relationships with family and friends.
Kevin's semi-autobiographical novel
"Adventure is a Red Bicycle"
Of course, each child may have a different way of confiding. The key is, Fathers must be able to guide their children to express their inner emotions.
At the end of the interview, Jiang Peirong recommended a movie "Inside Out", which tells a story about how to deal with the feeling of loss, and why this feeling needs to be accepted by yourself and those around you.
“Confront the pain caused by the loss, acknowledge and accept it, and then heal from the pain. In this way, you will see that your heart and the ability and depth of love are all affected by it. It has expanded and is better equipped to welcome and enter new seasons of life.
”
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