The more commonly used words of comfort are, the more disappointing

After encountering loss, you will probably quickly realize how poorly prepared you are and how unable you are to face it. Dealing with the vast array of conflicting emotions we call “heartbreak.” This is true of almost everyone in society, we are far more prepared for physical injury than we are for dealing with heartbreak. First think about your own personal experience. In elementary school, you took a first aid class; in high school, you took a health and safety class; you may have attended a first aid course offered by the Red Cross; in the event of an emergency, we know which emergency number to call. To some extent, we are all prepared for the unexpected. Yet, how many classes have you taken on how to deal with the grief of a major emotional loss?

It is a strange thing that everyone knows what to do if someone breaks their arm; yet so few people are fully prepared to help the broken person.

Eight million people in the United States are grieved by death each year. The divorce rate has exceeded 45%. This number does not include relationships without formal marriage. Millions of relationships come to an end every year, affecting not only the partners, but also their children, parents, and other relatives and friends. All were affected. In addition, in the United States alone, more than 14 million pets die every year. If you add retirement, unemployment or major changes in work, illness, major financial changes, etc., the number of lost pets is even more staggering. We only learn "gain", not "lose"

When we were growing up, the focus of our learning was almost always on learning how to "gain" so that we can have a happy and successful life in the future. When we are very young, we start to work hard to win the praise of our parents; we try to behave well on Christmas or New Year's Eve so that we can get the long-awaited toy; after going to school, we work hard to get high scores so that we can be recognized by our elders; we work hard Attract our peers so they will accept us.

This ongoing process of learning how to acquire both concrete (toys) and abstract (attention) things continues into adulthood. Those who understand this phenomenon best are those in the advertising industry, because the focus of their marketing campaigns is often to convey to consumers that you can find happiness and satisfaction by acquiring certain things.

We are constantly learning how to "gain", but we often know nothing about "losing". Although loss is inevitable and sometimes even expected, we have no formal training in how to deal with the pain and crushing feelings of loss that are sure to come with it. Some even suggest that we don’t learn how to deal with loss, or at least don’t talk about it. "Since things have happened, let them pass", "You must move forward", "Don't let your emotions burden others", etc. You must have heard such words.

We are bound to face several major losses in our lives, and the ideas we are taught about how to deal with the emotions of loss are not entirely accurate. If we cannot use correct knowledge to deal with loss, we would rather not have the wrong knowledge. No matter what kind of crisis strikes, most people will rely on old ideas they have learned before to deal with it. Even if we can prove that some old beliefs are actually unhelpful, most people will naturally turn to those old beliefs when painful thoughts and feelings caused by loss arise.

People usually perform the same behavior in the same way over and over again, and all behaviors (both physical and emotional) become habits. This model is actually good because it helps to develop and maintain habits. The key is that we must develop habits that help resolve sadness.

To develop new habits, you must have three awarenesses. First, you must be aware of the need to develop new habits. If you picked up this book, you probably already realized that you need to have more effective concepts and habits to deal with sadness. Second, you need to learn some necessary concepts and skills that will come in handy when developing new habits. To deal with grief, for example, you have to know which concepts are not working and which ones can be replaced. Eventually, you must keep practicing these new ideas until they become second nature. There is nothing wrong with being disappointed, why should I be rational?

The third point of the six misconceptions mentioned is that sad people should grieve alone. You may have had the experience of isolating yourself. Since feeling isolated and isolated is a problem faced by sad people, then "engagement" is obviously one of the solutions.

In order to encourage you to participate in your own healing process, it is recommended that you start now to see if you are also affected by the six misconceptions above, which have affected your feelings about sadness, pain, and negative emotions. view. Feeling sad is a natural and normal reaction when experiencing loss. But every time we express these normal and natural emotions, someone tries to “comfort” you with one of the six misconceptions above.

Every time John and Russell were filled with painful emotions and turned to their parents, teachers, coaches or others for help, they would only get this kind of "rational" answer.

If they repeatedly receive these six unhelpful responses, the accumulation will cause them to gradually lose trust in others. They may no longer trust their parents and elders at first, and eventually extend to all relationships.

John’s father was a heavy drinker and would beat John indiscriminately when he was drunk.

Even if I tell him that something is not my fault, he still doesn’t believe me and will punish me anyway. I felt it was very unfair, and gradually I no longer trusted him.

Because John's loss was difficult to detect and unresolved, he became more and more suspicious of adults. He became more and more distrustful and wary. His vitality and autonomy are thus limited. The categories of people with whom he can build a trusting relationship have also begun to be limited, and he is wary of all authoritarian characters.

"I don't think that the responsibility for losing trust in the people around me lies with others." In fact, it is because losing trust is painful, so John's solution is to "don't trust" from the beginning. , so that he would not suffer.

After John broke up with his first girlfriend, his concept of "not trusting" deepened. From then on, he found it difficult to trust the person he was dating. He didn't want to be hurt again, so he was hesitant and reserved. This attitude made him timid.

Many grieving people find it difficult to enter into new relationships because they are afraid of enduring another loss. You may have bought this book because you realized you have some unresolved relationships with loss, such as death or divorce, or it may have been given to you by a well-meaning friend or relative.

As you read this book and actually do the actions that will bring you healing, you may find yourself feeling a loss of trust. I can't ask you to trust yourself and feel more secure; however, I understand the feeling of losing trust because I have felt this way and have felt insecure. That is to say, I have always been restricted and only want to convert emotions into reason, so that as long as I have some emotional feelings, I will think that I am wrong.

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This article is authorized to be published by Arrogance is Culture/John. James, Russell. Freeman "A person's healing: the real letting go is when you don't mind mentioning it again" "A person's healing: the real letting go is when you don't mind mentioning it again"

Author: John. James, Russell. Freeman

Publisher: DaShi Culture stocksnap