Article丨Zhao Zili

After graduating in the summer of 1996, I carried a blue backpack and a snakeskin bag containing quilts and clothes, and broadcast "I Actually Don't Want to" on campus. With the very sensational music of "Go", I got on the bus home. I graduated and I am 19 years old this year.

The sadness of farewell surrounds everyone. I am the kind of person who doesn’t talk much but has delicate emotions. I cried while hugging my classmates and friends. I searched hard for you in the farewell crowd. I hoped to see you for the last time, but unfortunately I never saw you until the car started and started driving away. At that moment, I was a little sentimental, but not desperate. I was already very grateful, because after all, you gave me a beautiful memory over the years.

In the scorching late summer of 1989, my father sent me to a middle school more than ten miles away from home. When I was just 13 years old, I started boarding in the school with a group of children from rural areas. Bring steamed rice and pickles to eat. I didn’t feel bitter at all, because my classmates were all like that.

There is one exception in our class, and that is you. Because your father is a school teacher, he comes home after school every day. He can be with his family, eat hot food, drink hot water, and take a hot bath. I don’t know why, but I was particularly envious of you at that time, thinking that your conditions were extremely good, and that you must be as happy and joyful as a proud princess every day.

You are the entertainment committee member of our class. You are beautiful, your singing voice is beautiful, and your academic performance is also very good. At that time, I thought that God was too partial to you and gave you almost all the good things, including confidence, sunshine, health and beauty. As a teenager, I gradually became fascinated by you. I felt happy when I saw your back and happy when I heard your voice. I didn’t know at that time that there is a kind of love called secret love. Maybe, it's the feeling of secretly liking someone without being known.

Your house opened a stationery store at that time. Every day after school, I would always look at your house a few times after eating, because you liked to sit in front of your house to eat. With your chubby face and black hair, You can't help but look at it more.

I had almost no money at that time, and I was satisfied with just a few dollars of pocket money a semester. But I still often go to your canteen to buy things, most of which cost less than a dime, such as a pencil, an eraser, or a large piece of white paper. Every time I go there, I pretend to be having a serious discussion with my classmates. Even if it’s just a few thumbtacks, I have to look at them for a long time. It’s not until I see you coming out that I take my things and pay, and then I walk in a hurry as if I’m running away. classroom.

Unfortunately, after finishing the second grade of junior high school, you transferred to another school with your father and went to another town. During that time, I felt very lonely. My beloved girl, you still don’t know that a young boy from the countryside once secretly liked you in his heart.

After graduating from junior high school in 1993, I went to Macheng Normal School, majoring in general education. Coming from a rural area, I especially cherish the opportunity to study. I attend class seriously every day and complete my homework. I am busy reading, practicing calligraphy and learning Mandarin in my spare time. During that time, I was ordinary and happy.

In the fall of 1994, when I was in second grade, I began to have the idea of ??making more friends, but I didn’t know where to start. I came to the school's bulletin board and looked at the list of freshmen. I suddenly found your name among the list of more than a thousand people. I read it silently, it was exactly the same, could it really be you? Did you also come to this school to study? My heart was beating rapidly. Could this be God's will?

I pressed the class above and quickly took a buddy to your class window for fire reconnaissance. Oh my god, it’s really you. You are much taller and your face has become rounder. You are so cute. look. I thought I was the luckiest person in the world. I was extremely happy all of a sudden.

Since my love has always been unrequited before, of course I can't confess my love suddenly now. It would seem very presumptuous. I have to eat the meat one bite at a time, and a plan is slowly forming in my heart. Because your classroom and I are opposite each other, every time after school I walk to the west and you walk to the east, there is no possibility of meeting each other. That day I purposely delayed until the end. I walked to the first floor on the west side and turned to the east side to go upstairs. I saw you before I reached the second floor. You came downstairs talking and laughing among several sisters. When I looked at you, you also Looking at me almost at the same time, this "accidental encounter" got us started.

Almost every Sunday, I have to ask you out to play, such as table tennis, badminton, basketball and so on.

Later, when I got tired of playing ball games, I asked you to play literature, go to the library to read, exchange diaries, etc. During that time, I felt like I walked into your life and you walked into mine. But neither of us said it out loud. Love is hard to express in our hearts. If we say it out loud, we might not even be able to be friends. We just want each other to know that we love each other.

I worked hard to double my studies. I took part in calligraphy training, and was particularly good at Liu script writing. I also participated in sketching and painting, and also participated in the campus literature corner. I want you to understand that although I am poor, I am also very rich. I used the pocket money I saved to rent a camera to take pictures of you, buy birthday gifts for you, and write some "literary works" for you to help revise from time to time. My little heart was filled to the brim with you at that time. Two years have passed by in a hurry. We loved each other and encouraged each other. Although we didn't hold hands and hug each other, it was enough.

After graduation, I returned to a junior high school in my hometown in the countryside and became the king of children. During the holidays, I went back to my hometown to help with farm work. During this period, I exchanged some letters with you, but it didn’t seem like there were that many. A year later, you also graduated and returned to teach in a primary school in our town. You came to see me several times, but I didn't take it seriously because I was missing a muscle. I always thought that as long as I was in my heart, we would be together sooner or later. We also promised each other to work hard for a few years after graduation before considering other things. But not long after, I heard that you were talking about being friends. Your boyfriend drove a taxi. I didn’t believe it at all. I wrote to ask you, but you didn’t comment.

I feel very uncomfortable. The ideal is very full, but the reality is very skinny. After all, ideals are no match for the secular world. No matter what, I gradually neglected you and also neglected a deep emotion. The river of emotion between the two young men seemed to be gradually drying up in this world.

Later, I received a letter from you. It was only one page, and it was still written in such beautiful pen. I understood that we broke up from then on.

Despite this, I have no regrets. I am still grateful to you in my heart. In those hard days, you gave me infinite warmth and comfort and allowed me to see the most beautiful things in the world. Kind.

This breakup did not hit me. On the contrary, it made me understand that some people are worth cherishing for a lifetime. If you miss them, let others go and let yourself go. Breaking up also means starting over.

Later, I also met a beautiful and kind-hearted girl. Together we ran a small nest of love, got married and had children, and lived a happy and wonderful life. However, I still think of you occasionally and wonder if you are still doing well.

With the fragrance of every flower and the beautiful shadow of every white cloud, I still want to tell you, thank you for giving me a scenery worth remembering when I was a young boy who was ignorant.