1. My husband and his daughter-in-law are sleeping in bed. He saw his daughter-in-law lose a hair, so he picked it up and put it on himself. Daughter-in-law said: Why are you pulling my hair? Husband said: pretend you interrogate me and ask me where this hair came from! She said seriously: Tell me honestly, where did this hair come from? The husband said calmly, What's on the pig?

Second, mom, give me some money to spend! Why? Today is Children's Day! You little brat, who said that Children's Day costs money? Don't! But when Grandpa Tomb-Sweeping Day was here, you burned money!

The doctor told the patient earnestly: If you want to live a long life, you really should give up smoking. Patient: It's too late to quit now. Doctor: How come! It's never too late to quit smoking! Patient: Well, then there is no need to worry.

Fourth, married for two years, no children. One day when I was shopping, I saw a pregnant woman passing by, and some envied to show my wife at once. My wife took a look and said that she was so big when she was full. I am speechless. .

My son is looking at the bear. I saw that the scene was winter, so I asked: Why don't bears hibernate in winter? Son: I have no time to film all day!

Sixth, the life of high-end people, ordinary people like me really can't enjoy it. Yesterday in a star-rated hotel, it was clear that I had finished defecation and wiped it clean, and the waiter at the door handed me a towel. I had no choice but to go back and wipe it with a towel, fold it and return it to him. . .

7. My colleague drives a new BMW to work. An unmarried female colleague asked whose BMW it was, and her colleague said it was his brother-in-law's. Hearing this, she immediately asked: Is your brother-in-law seeing someone? Introduce me.

Eight, when shopping, I bought a scratch music and won 400. I ran home happily all the way and told my wife that after a long time of happiness, my wife said, hand it over.

9. Take my nephew to our company to play. Colleague Xiao Zhang warmly brought my nephew juice to drink. I said to my nephew: Uncle brought you delicious food. What do you want to say to your uncle? Unexpectedly, my nephew pointed to Xiao Zhang and said that a drink is not enough. Go ~ ~ and bring me something delicious.

Ten, the neighbor child, that is, when he was seven or eight years old, his grandfather died, and his father cried. His brother ran over and said to his father: Dad, you don't have a father, I can be your father. . . It was a heavy blow for his father to hold him.

Eleven, received a phone call: eldest brother, I just got into a fight with someone, you call twenty brothers to come over. Okay, who? Buy some fruit baskets and sincerely apologize.

12. I met the manager of a construction company and was told that there is no project that our company can't eat! Gai Lou, install the elevator and paste all the tiles related to the building! I asked weakly, big brother, I want to install an elevator for Mount Everest. Make a price! Manager: Me: If you really can't do it, tile the Great Wall! As much as you want.

Thirteen, the miser's wife died, and the miser cried her eyes out. A undertaker was very moved and said to the miser: Look at you like this, I know you and your wife have a good relationship. Miser: Can you? When she was alive, she nagged about something every day, so I didn't have to buy TV and radio. Now that she is dead, who can let me watch TV and listen to the radio for free?

Fourteen, watching TV with my wife at home during the holiday, she suddenly said to me, dear, can we not be apart in this life? I was moved to nod, only to see that she took a pear from behind and chewed it herself. It was the first time that she was paralyzed, saying that eating alone was so sensational that life was all routine!

Fifteen, one day my father and brother went to pull goods, and when it was time to eat, they went to a restaurant for dinner. Dad fell down loudly as soon as he entered the restaurant; Boss, two bowls of Daoxiao Noodles. After a while, the boss brought two bowls of noodles. While eating, my brother looked at the menu posted on the dining room wall. When he saw that it said egg soup and ribs soup, he said, Dad, let's have a bowl of soup. My dad didn't look up and said loudly; Boss, a bowl of noodle soup.

Sixteen, Jiang Taigong was fishing. A passerby saw it and asked curiously: Why do you fish with a straight hook? Jiang Taigong gave him a white look and said, You haven't studied physics, have you? It will bend in water!

Seventeen, a man has a crush on a woman for a long time, and one day he finally got up the courage to confess to the girl. M: Please accept my love and be my girlfriend. Woman: Sorry, I don't like you! Man: I had feelings for you the first time I saw you. Don't you have any feelings for me? Woman: Yes! Thank god! Woman: It's just that I feel nauseous!

Eighteen, the doctor said that at 3: 30 in the afternoon, we should hold our urine and do color Doppler ultrasound. I am obedient, and I can't hold it any longer. . . Why are you telling me in front of more than 20 people? You want to suffocate me! ! !

Nineteen, a sister paper broke up with her boyfriend because of greed. I asked her: How do you feel now? She said: My heart is broken like a potato chip!

Twenty, my cousin is in hospital for surgery, and I will accompany him. At noon, the nurse took his temperature and asked him how many times he peed in 24 hours. He slept in a daze and asked, does the urine he took when defecating count?

On February1day, a new bath center was opened nearby. The guest asked the boss: Why is there no water in the swimming pool or in the shower? The boss said: the bathhouse I run is a dry cleaner.

22. A man wanted to go to the railway station, but he got lost. He asked a child with a schoolbag on his back: Hello, little friend, can you tell my uncle how you got to the railway station? Child: My parents took me there.

Twenty-three I went to buy a bag and gave him twenty dollars. The boss insisted on 2 1 dollar. I have no choice but to open a cigarette and hand it to him. I'll never forget the way the shopkeeper looked at me leaving.

Twenty-four, pick up the bride, be stopped, ask the groom to kneel down and bark like a dog. The groom relented and knelt down and cried. The woman continues to make trouble and has to pay 88888 to get in! Begging for a long time, the door won't open. The groom is helpless, bite his teeth and say, go home, don't pick up! So I really have to go! The woman was dumbfounded and quickly called the groom. The groom's father answered the phone and told her directly: Let the two children go to the Civil Affairs Bureau to get the divorce certificate tomorrow! The bride is in pain.

Twenty-five, Lu Yu female colleagues on the way to work, female colleagues happily carrying a brand-new mink bag and I walked together on the road. I pointed to her bag, and she proudly said, new! I pointed to her bag again, and she said, it's not expensive, only over 20 thousand! I said, the phone in your bag has been ringing for a long time. Are you deaf? !

Twenty-six. Mrs. Li is 70 years old and her wife has been dead for many years. Not long ago, the neighbor wanted to introduce her to an object of similar age. Mrs. Li asked her neighbor: What's his personality like? Neighbor replied: character is absolutely no problem! Mrs. Li then asked, What does it look like? Neighbor replied: he is also very handsome! Mrs. Li asked again: Is it high? Neighbor replied: high, three high!

Twenty-seven, people with more money go home less, people with more looks wear less, people with more ideas succeed less, people with more success live less, people who study more have less thoughts, lovers have more peace and less sleep, friends have more difficulties, and jokes have more depression.

Twenty-eight, I finally got home after sitting on the train for eight hours. I can finally celebrate the New Year with my parents this year. My parents don't seem to like me very much. Just entering the door, my parents said, what are you doing back? Why don't you go back to the construction site? Me: I will accompany you for the New Year when you come back! Dad was angry and said, it's only May, so you don't want to go out to work?

The first time I went to a restaurant with my girlfriend, I was a little nervous. My girlfriend asked for a cold cucumber. After serving, I put a cucumber on my girlfriend's plate and said, come on, eat it while it's hot.

Wife: The woman in front is very beautiful. Dave: I don't think so. Wife: You are so lacking in aesthetics. Dave: Yes, that's why I often praise you for your beauty.

3 1. Pick a mobile phone. Later, the owner sent me a message saying: The mobile phone is yours, please give me the card back. Then I sent him a message saying: you can take the card, please give me the charger! He agreed, and we made an appointment to meet in the park, and then I was beaten and my cell phone was gone.

Thirty-two, a suspension spring. I dropped the second hand of my watch and took it to be repaired. After the repair, I asked the watch repairer: How could the second hand lose the master's eyes for no reason? You are shaking too much. Change hands over there in the future.

Wife: Honey, the season has changed. I want to buy clothes. Me: Are you obedient? Wife: disobedient! Me: I won't buy you a wife if I don't listen: then I will listen! Me: Be obedient! We won't buy it. Wife: Ni Mei, I haven't changed the season. It’s your turn. I dare say, buy buy, buy it.

Thirty-four, my niece is over 4 years old, and she often speaks amazingly. One day, her father was watching ghost movies in his arms, and my little niece probably didn't dare to sleep at night. After going in and out of the room several times, I went to see my parents, and then pointed to her father's nose and said, today you sleep on the sofa, and I want to sleep with your wife!

I'll never forget what the photographer told me when I took a photo: Beauty, please stretch your neck as far as possible. We can't repair your double chin.

Thirty-six. I went to see a doctor when I was ill. The doctor prescribed several medicines for me, but I was too bitter to eat. The doctor persuaded: How can I refuse to accept it? Then I still refuse to accept my stubbornness. I didn't expect him to hit me on the head with a brick: why the fuck did you hit me! The doctor sneered, hehe, bricks cure all diseases.

Thirty-seven, physical examination, urine test, everyone sent a small cup, just a little inside. But I saw a young man with a full cup in his hand, struggling to go to the doctor and carefully putting the cup down. The doctor looked at him straight and said, young man, are you here to propose a toast?

Wife: Honey, go down and turn off the lights. Husband: I have taken off all my clothes. Go down and turn it off. Wife: Oh, oh, you close your eyes for a minute. Wife: Well, I'm undressed now. You can go down and turn it off.

39. I haven't had a girlfriend before, and it's nice to see someone else have a girlfriend to persuade me to quit smoking. So I started smoking, waiting for the person who told me to quit smoking to appear. It was not until many years later that I met my present partner. I still remember that she opened the mouth first: hey! Give me a light.

M: I like coffee. W: I like drinking water. M: I like playing CS. W: I like reading novels. M: I like to look at beautiful women. Woman: Me too. M: We always have something in common. Woman: Yes. Man: I'm telling you, once I bumped into a beautiful woman and ran into a post. Woman: What's this? In order to see beautiful women conveniently, I even had sex change surgery.

Hello, I live in room 8 16. The quilt in my room is a little damp. Thank you, sir. You have a good eye. This is really the latest style this year.

Forty-two, blind date with my buddies, pure diaosi, and I won't say anything when I see a beautiful woman. As a result, I had a heated conversation with that girl. It was very cold and the girl sneezed. As soon as I saw the opportunity, I poked my brother: Show something. The goods scratched their heads for a long time and said, it will clear up when dogs sneeze. . .

Forty-three, a man went out and met a flower seller in Xiong Haizi. . Child: Uncle, uncle, buy a flower for your sister. Me:. . . It's my brother's child: uncle, uncle, buy a flower for my brother. Me. . .

Humble and funny.

1, the disease comes from the mouth, and the disaster comes from the mouth, so it is safest to shut up.

2. People have four states: busy, busy, busy and unhurried.

When you think that the person you like likes you, it is usually that you think too much.

Eggs break food from the outside and life from the inside.

It is better to eat in the supermarket before the end of the day.

6. The secret crush changed his hairstyle yesterday, and I suddenly felt that I had changed my mind.

As a monster, my wish is to destroy at least one Altman.

8. Laugh for ten years, then laugh at wrinkles.

9. Three laws of the workplace; : either bear it! Either hard! Or get out.

10, friendship is like a vase, it will break when it is smashed.

1 1, I connected all my memories into a movie, and a tragedy happened.

12, the Smurfs sang "When I grow up, I will be you" to Avatar.

13, chased a bus in the morning and chased it to the terminal.

14. Either you don't work hard or you don't work hard.

15, dreams can't be measured by money, otherwise your dreams will depreciate.

16, this book is particularly good, so I have been reluctant to read it.

17, although giving up won't kill you, even death won't give up.

18, be sure to live well, get old slowly, get sick late and die quickly.

19, you are a thick-skinned person and say you treat people well.

20, family affairs, state affairs, no money to eat is a big deal.

2 1, I am a person, and you are not me, so you are not a person.

You can't eat as a meal, but I'm full as soon as I see you.

23. Why are you sleepy when reading? Because books are where dreams begin.

24. That year, Aoi sora was still a virgin, and Guan had no camera.

25. People have lost weight, waist and buttocks. Why do we have to start with brain cells?

26. I asked God: How to be happy at the same time about forget the sorrow. God replied: Drive yourself crazy.

27, shameless this matter, if done well, is called excellent psychological quality.

Since I bought insurance, I haven't looked at the traffic lights when I walk.

China Mobile and China Unicom are husband and wife. Gave birth to a child named China Telecom.

30. When money stood up and spoke, all truths fell asleep.

3 1, Laozi is my son's passport, and my son is my epitaph.

32. I only see you. Okay ... so I'm just an eye drop.

33. Tea is really pitiful. If you soak it, praise it. If you soak it, throw it away mercilessly.

34. When there is no money, there are a group of friends; When you have money, there are a group of bodyguards. ...

35. Life is like a pancake. You have to turn it over several times before it matures.

36. Young people don't work hard. The boss does his homework.

37. Hold your hand. If the child doesn't leave, he will stun the child and continue to drag it.

38. Dinosaurs all died in the last doomsday; So I'm worried about you this time.

39. Others speak the truth after drinking, but I only vomit food after drinking.

40. Metal detectors are not only used for security inspection, but also used by some people to pick up garbage.

4 1, what if the world ends? Suicide. Why? Go down and sit down for a while.

42. How many people's reputations have been ruined by so-called good friends?

43. A good girlfriend can save your computer 200G hard disk.

44. the Monkey King is so fickle that she is destined to be single.

45. The wind is rustling and the water is cold. If you owe money, you have to pay it back.

46. It is said that cutting a flat head is proud for a lifetime, so is it smart to cut a pig's head for a lifetime?

How many people in the world owe you money? It makes you look dead every day, not buried.

Humble and funny.

1. To marry a wife should be to marry Xiao Shao, to make friends should be to make friends, and to be a man, it is best to be Qiao Feng, and get out and go back to Wei Xiaobao.

Years later, if you get married, if I don't, tell your son to be careful on the way after school.

3. Meet the right person at the right time and place. That may not be your lover, but your enemy.

Young man, I came to you through time and space. Why haven't you come to me yet?

5, love does not hurt people, people hurt themselves. Love doesn't do evil, but people do evil. If you don't play tricks on people, your brain is funny

6. I passed a lawn yesterday and saw this slogan: Today you step on my head, and next year I will grow on your grave.

7. I treat you as a friend, you treat me as a fool, and my sister is not easy to mess with.

8. When I was a child, I ate watermelons and sharp ones. When I eat them, I stop eating them.

9. The person I love is not my lover. Every inch of his heart belongs to others.

10, dear: You know, only mosquitoes will never leave you this summer.

1 1. What did the first person in the world who knew that milk was drinkable do to cows?

12, yes, cheating in this exam is very successful and can have a happy ending.

13, whether studying or traveling, body and soul must have one on the road.

14, it is God's business to forgive him. My task is to send him to God!

15, in fact, I am trying so hard to gain weight just to occupy more space in your heart.

16, obviously we all like each other, but why are we embarrassed to look at each other when we meet?

17, hungry and sleepy, please don't miss mosquitoes; If you get entangled, shoot one, and only one.

18, Yao Jiaxin was sentenced to death in the first instance. After watching the news, the boss told us earnestly, look, this is the end of asking for a raise.

19, who has no shit and who has no paper since ancient times. If you don't use toilet paper, unless you use your fingers.

20. I finally understand why I have no inspiration, because there is a saying that love can inspire people.

2 1. When we were young, we were princesses. When we grow up, we will be used to princess disease by our relatives and friends.

22. I always feel that in ancient times, the mood of getting married and lifting the hijab was similar to scratching the lottery.

23. It is said that marriage is the grave of love, so isn't the anniversary celebration a grave-sweeping?

24, mosquitoes, when can evolve to not suck blood, only suck fat?

25. Is the daughter-in-law important or the game important? Daughter-in-law is of course important, so I only dare to play games and dare not hit my daughter-in-law.

I forgot to tell you. Actually, I love you so much that I forgot to tell you. Actually, I miss you very much.

27, indifferent people, thank you for looking down on me, let me not bow, a more exciting life.

28, weeding at noon, mines buried in the soil. Li Bai came to dance and was blown to 250.

29. The biggest failure of a man is not that no girl likes him, but that the girl who likes him feels that she was blind at the beginning.

30, a bitch is a bitch, even if the economic crisis, you can't be expensive.

3 1. Do I know you well? Just play a video if it's okay. Think of it as your TV. When you press it, people come out.

32. I ate quietly, just like I gained weight quietly. I went to bed late, but I brought a piece of fat.

33. Narcissism is to be a man in the next life and marry a wife like me!

34. Life is really ironic. A person will actually become what he once hated most.

People who say good night to bed often show off in an ostentatious manner after half an hour.

36. The teacher didn't speak in the middle of class, indicating that some students died.

37. Parents' meeting and mistress are essentially the same, aiming at destroying family harmony!

38, acne, more than 700 million a year, acne can circle the earth twice.

39. Journey to the West tells us that all monsters with backstage were taken away, and those without backstage were killed by a stick.

40. I am the gum in your hair. You want to get rid of me unless you cut your hair.

4 1, it is said that the characters in Hyun Dance are all in good shape. I'm telling you, if you bounce around like this every day, you'll lose weight.

42. When I was a child, I blushed whenever someone stared at me. Now whenever someone stares at me, I make him blush.

43. It is said that falling in love affects learning. Doesn't study affect falling in love?

If I can travel through time and space, I must plant a durian tree in front of Newton's house.

45, so shameless and heartless, your weight should be very light.

46. You will never understand my sadness, just as the fat man doesn't understand why the thin man wants to lose weight.

47. I will go. Who are the fast men this year? They look as if they were joking with the singer.

48. I was also an infatuated seed, but I was killed by lightning.

49. Listening to songs is divided into two situations: single cycle to death, random play of various cuts.

50. It's not that I don't want to be a lady, it's life that makes me a bitch.

Those cheap networks

1, mental patients have a wide range of ideas, and mentally retarded children have more fun.

2, since I hacked you, the internet speed is fast! ! !

3, cheese is power-bacon

If you are healthy, it will be a bolt from the blue.

My quilt is sick today, so I will stay in bed and take care of her.

6. Don't shock the world with coquettish, but seek shameless action.

7. Many people eat by their faces. I don't know. I depend on my mouth.

8. Every woman who laughed and said poof was a hard-working pea shooter in her last life.

9. I don't believe that my rural cucurbit can't be the Altman of your city.

10, do you want a straight coffin or a sliding coffin?

1 1. Women's paper like me has no weight that can't stand beauty.

12, computer, come on! Let me go! I have homework! ! !

13, if my life is a movie, you are a pop-up advertisement.

14, you must have been homeless in your last life, and you have to live like this in your life.

15, hello, I am very busy now, and I can't contact you in my life!

16, I have never met, I have never been masked, I have never met you, but I passed you by, I have never met you without a mask. Life is so wonderful!

17, I like that confident, proud and beautiful self, but I don't like this self-abased, sad and unattractive self now! Always helping others, disgusting yourself, so lucky to do anything, it is better to disgust others and help yourself.

18, one day, I got used to your frankness, and you guessed my duplicity. We smile at each other, hold hands and grow old together.

19, life is really short, I really want to cherish the present, but I can't stay in the past!

20. With a person, if the energy he gives you is to get up happily every day, sleep peacefully every day, be motivated to do everything, and be full of expectations for the future, then you don't love the wrong person. The most appropriate feelings will never torture each other in the name of love, but accompany each other and become each other's sunshine.

2 1, I hope to have a job that is not boring, meet an ugly person at a very old age, have a leisurely love, have a quiet wedding, have a lovely baby and spend my life peacefully. What I want is always simple.

22. People will meet about 29.2 million people in their lifetime, and the probability of two people falling in love is 0.000049. So you don't love me, I don't blame you.

23. Life is to joke with me again and again. Although it is not a thrilling life, it is also a hundred days of trauma.

24. There is no direction in my heart, and I am escaping everywhere.

25. The only thing you can't cheat in the world is your own heart, which always exposes your joys and sorrows when you least expect it.

26. Be brave enough to give up something for the life you want. There is no justice in this world, and you will never please both sides. If you want freedom, you have to sacrifice safety. If you want to loaf around, you won't get the grades evaluated by others. If you want to be happy, you don't have to care about the attitude that people around you give you. If you want to move forward, you must leave your present position.

27. When you have no choice but to be under too much pressure, remember to smile at yourself in the mirror and say: I'm sorry, but I will definitely make you happy.

28. Don't always evaluate your position in the eyes of others. To live in the eyes of others is equivalent to losing yourself.