1, "People who have no friends are not as good as themselves", "No common goals, no common goals".

Confucius' sentence "No friend is better than yourself" (Xue Ji) has different interpretations. Don't make friends with people who are not as good as yourself. This is contrary to Confucius' overall thought and seems inappropriate. The motto "not as good as oneself" here means "different from oneself", which is different from Confucius' saying "different from Tao, no one seeks common ground" Friends should "share the same interests and seek common ground while reserving differences", which is determined by the purpose of making friends. Confucius looked down on those who pursued material interests, food and wealth. He said: "It is not enough to discuss those who are determined to be Taoist and are ashamed of food and clothing." ("Li Ren")

There are three friends who benefit and three friends who suffer.

There are two kinds of friends: "loss" and "gain". Confucius advocated making friends with benefits. As the old saying goes, if it's dyed light, it's faded; if it's dyed yellow, it's yellow. Those who are near the ink are black, and those who are near the ink are black. It can be seen that the result of making friends with gentlemen or villains is different. If you benefit from the former, you should not be careless in choosing friends. So, what is a "good friend" and what is a bad friend?

"Confucius said,' The winner has three friends, and the loser has three friends. Friends are straightforward, friends forgive, friends learn more, and friends are beneficial.' "("seasonality ") This is mainly based on the level of personal quality. Three kinds of friends are: honest people; A trustworthy person; A well-informed person. Three kinds of bad friends refer to: people who are used to dressing up their appearance but have no sincerity in their hearts; Try to please a soft-hearted person, a glib person. Confucius hated those who were respectful in appearance and hypocritical in behavior. He angrily said: "Miao Yan, make color and full respect, Zuo Qiuming shame, autumn shame, keep their grievances and friends, Zuo Qiuming shame, autumn shame. "("viceroy ") Confucius made many friends and had more and more ways.

3. "Listen to what he says and watch what he does" is a way for Confucius to understand people and choose his friends. Confucius disciples are full of praise and good words. After listening to his words, Confucius felt that he was ambitious and diligent. But later Confucius found that he slept during the day and was very angry. He thinks that it is wrong to "listen to what he says and do what he does" (the public governor), and change it to "listen to what he says and do what he does". (Politics) That is to say, if you understand a person's motives, the road he takes, what he is content with, and are not confused by superficial phenomena, you will really understand this person. The evaluation of people should be based on observation, not conformity. Confucius said, "All evils must be investigated; Kind people will learn from others. " ("Wei Linggong") That's what it means.

Third, Confucius' principle of making friends.

1, Renyi

Confucius took "righteousness" as his code of conduct. He said, "A gentleman is not suitable for the world, and there is no Mo Ye, so the comparison of righteousness." .

Confucius said: "A gentleman takes righteousness as the quality, courtesy as the behavior, decline as the table and faith as the success". (Wei Linggong) Benevolence is the foundation of righteousness, and righteousness is the festival of benevolence. (See Li Yun) "Love is out of affection, so it is appropriate to call it benevolence, and it is reasonable to call love righteousness.

The Analects of Confucius contains Confucius' words and deeds about his friends. When a friend dies with no reward, he says, "I'm going to a funeral. Food for friends, though chariots and horses, should not be sacrificed to meat. "When a friend died, he never came back. Confucius greeted his family and said," Illness is here, and death is here! "It can be said that he did his best to his friends and showed extremely forbearance, which is by no means comparable to that of Ren Xia. Friends mean to make money, so although he gave horses and chariots, there is no need to worship them. However, he must worship the meat he gave as a gift. This is Confucius' respect for his friends' ancestors as a sign of being with his loved ones.

Confucius regards benevolence and righteousness as the value orientation of life, and pays attention to his own personality value and spiritual pursuit in his contacts with friends. A gentleman "seeks the Tao without seeking food" and holds a contemptuous attitude of "not satisfied with discussion" to those who are determined to seek the Tao and are ashamed of their lack of food and clothing. He believes that "a gentleman's righteousness is above everything else" (), and that a gentleman's righteousness is beneficial to a villain "(Li either loses the principle for profit or harms others for self-interest. Friends don't haggle over every ounce, and they don't just care about Nuo Nuo, but "seriously care", meaning responsibility and goodwill.

Step 2 be loyal

"Zi teaches four things: writing, honesty, faithfulness and faithfulness" (Statement II) refers to a person's honest and all-out mentality, which Confucius regards as the foundation of his life and repeatedly emphasizes that people should be "loyal to the monarch" (Zi Han).

Loyalty means faithfulness and getting along with friends. Confucius emphasized honesty, which is one of the five virtues of benevolence.

Confucius regards "faith" as the foundation of a person's existence, and "people cannot stand without faith", emphasizing the role of "faith" in interpersonal relationships. If you don't have a car, why should you do it? "Although human society is bound by legal contracts and moral customs, if people don't trust each other, all people can't move forward. If people believe in themselves, they must first believe, act honestly and keep their promises. Ceng Zi said, "Make friends without trust?" As an important content of a gentleman, Xia Zi also believes that "keeping promises to friends" (from Cher).

Confucius once stated his ambition, "May the elderly be safe, friends trust, and young people get pregnant" (Governor). He is eager to establish good interpersonal relationships between people and hopes that he can gain the trust of his friends. Naturally, this is based on Confucius' trustworthiness and trust in his friends.

Although keeping promise is a virtue, we should also pay attention to the specific situation and analysis when practicing punctuality. If it is not just, we should not follow it, and we should not destroy the sense of justice by keeping a small letter. Therefore, Confucius thought that "a gentleman is loyal and forgiving" (Wei Linggong), that is to say, a gentleman only sticks to the right path, not to small faith. You don't have to believe what you say, but you don't have to bear fruit when you do it. You should take righteousness as the reference measure and keep your word.

Loyalty. The situation of "loyalty" is similar to that of "faith", and there are several types. "Loyalty", which belongs to the category of political thought, is omitted here. The key point is to regard "loyalty" as an ethical category, which means doing one's best, being sincere and single-minded. For example, "Are you unfaithful to others?" (Learn from others) "Be loyal to others" (Lutz) "If you are loyal, don't teach." (Xianwen) "A gentleman has Jiu Si: ............................................................................................................................................................... (

Step 3 respect

Confucius paid great attention to his words and deeds when making friends to conform to etiquette. This is a sign of respect, reflecting his feelings and respect for his friends. Respect is also a way of "benevolence". Confucius replied to his disciple Wen Ren: "Be respectful in life, respectful in work and loyal to others" (Luz). Confucius said, "When you go out, you will meet a big guest, so that the people can enjoy a big sacrifice." There is no arrogance outside. When Zhang Zi asked him about his behavior, Confucius said, "You must keep your word and respect your deeds." (Wei Linggong) Although friends mean to be "responsible for kindness" and "seriously concerned", they should respect each other. Zi Gong asked a friend about Confucius, and Confucius said, "Be good at remonstrating, but stop." Instead, we should look for another opportunity. However, "respect" is by no means blindly echoing and flattering, but always maintaining respect when getting along with friends, and at the same time being measured when treating friends. "The number of friends is scarce." ("Liren"), treat friends too hard and too trivial. Of course, this does not mean that friends should keep a certain distance, respect each other's personality and give each other a certain degree of freedom.

Respect is by no means a superficial ceremony, but a natural expression of sincerity and kindness from the heart. Confucius himself attached great importance to the combination of etiquette and law to show his respect, and there were many descriptions in Xiangdang.

Confucius traveled around the world in the name of Dr. Qing. When his messenger sends greetings to friendly people, he will send greetings again, for example, in person. Dr. Lu Jikang sent medicine to greet Confucius. Confucius accepted it and explained to the messenger that "I dare not taste it before the mountain arrives." ("Xiang Dang") Modest and sincere.

Xia Zi said well, "A gentleman treats others with courtesy, and all men are brothers within the four seas. Why don't you have a brother? "

Courtesy is easy to gain friends, courtesy should be appropriate, courtesy should be hard and courtesy should be safe.

4, and

A Confucius said, "Harmony is the most important thing, and Wang Zhidao is the first beauty;" It is impossible to see the big with the small, and it is also impossible to know peace without courtesy. "Confucianism attaches importance to the harmony of interpersonal relationships and believes that the use value of etiquette lies in harmony. Courtesy is beautiful and harmony is precious, but this "harmony" must be "courtesy-oriented" According to the boundaries of different classes, "harmony" should be used separately.

In dealing with the relationship between individuals and groups, Confucius also emphasized that "gentlemen are harmonious but different, villains are the same but not harmonious" (Lutz), and "gentlemen are proud but do not dispute, and groups are not party members" (Wei Linggong). In the past, the famous saying that a gentleman can be harmonious but different, and a villain can only be the same but different. The peacemaker has no grumpy heart, and the peacemaker has Abby's intention. A gentleman is right. And it can be reconciled. And "communication" seems to help water with water and help fire with fire. If you like the same thing, you will fight with each other. The latter sentence says that a gentleman is only self-controlled by Zhuang Jing and has no grumpy heart, so he doesn't fight with others. He and Tao are friends and meet with peace, so there will be a group, but there is no private interest of Abby, so it does not belong to the party. He insists on individual autonomy and justice, while not destroying the harmony of the team.