Hello everyone, this is S Xing.

This is my first post on this account. I want to introduce myself to you first and talk about what I want to talk to you here in the future.

So, let’s talk about me and my sensitivity first.

Sensitive personality is a definition that has broken into my life in recent years. I have never thought of being described in this way before, and I have never thought of using this word to define myself.

It’s just that I have always been said to be an “introvert”. Many of my behaviors are defined as “self-absorbed”, “awkward”, “not straightforward enough”, and I have had difficulty falling asleep (insomnia) since high school. Shule andding is with me.

I don’t like to communicate, I have no interest in making friends, and I am particularly “petty”. A casual remark from someone else (especially a negative comment) can be remembered for a long time, and a “fuck” in my childhood can be remembered forever. Now, I still can't let go.

Also, I am particularly afraid of reading my name when introducing myself, because at this moment, I always recall a vicious tone calling my name, this voice with disgust. It has always stayed in my memory, even though I no longer remember its originator.

Actually, I don’t know if many friends with the same "sensitive" system have had this experience. No matter how much the people around you love you (parents, friends, partners), they will try to Change your "sensitivities".

My dad has never liked my "sensitivity" since he was a child. His definition of success in life is obviously wealth and prominence, and he can't understand my Lin Daiyu-like "little nature" and describes me as It is "self-admiration of solitary beauty". Or have been described as a "cold" person by relatives and friends.

Their disgusting comments made me define "high sensitivity", or "introversion", as a "flaw" over time.

"Can you be generous?"

"Can you be more cheerful?"

This is what I often asked when I was growing up. The sound echoing in my ears.

Here I really want to say to those parents who like to "correct" their children's "introverted behavior". When you keep mentioning such suggestions, you may have subconsciously preset this. "Introversion" is a bad mistake that needs to be changed, and the existence of this default is enough to destroy many children who are not able to think independently.

That’s too far.

However, that’s it. What I have felt since childhood is that “sensitivity is not good enough”, or the biggest advantage it can bring to you is “honesty and honesty” (probably because it is not good enough) Will express his inner thoughts, and looks like a person who has no appeal and can be easily settled).

The biggest trauma that high sensitivity has brought to me may be the low self-esteem caused by long-term self-denial, and the real lack of understanding.

I really feel deeply about not being understood.

I like niche things, and the laugh points are different from others. These are all light.

But my opinions are often not understood, which is very embarrassing, which makes me hate expression more and more, and I have no platform for expression (but it is not without interest and desire to express).

Therefore, although I am sensitive, I seem to be slow. I have become a good old person who laughs before speaking and always speaks lukewarmly.

But my heart is actually in turmoil.

Although I can feel the changes in the atmosphere keenly, because I am often not understood, I am gradually no longer willing and will not use any means to change the environment that makes me uncomfortable, and I will not express my discomfort at all.

For example, after a quiet period, I will be extremely uncomfortable, but I will not look for topics.

For example, you can quickly feel the unhappiness of others, but you can't be embarrassed and apologize.

The way I think of to make myself look calm boils down to "silence".

Or there is another reason. Because my "points" are always different from others, I am not aware of situations and occasions that others may feel need to be cautious. Some problems that others think are problems, This is not a problem for me, so I appear to be very slow, and it also creates a barrier between me and the outside world that is more difficult to break through.

Perhaps because I am afraid of making mistakes, because I hate being straightforward, and because I hope that some people can understand and sympathize with my helplessness and fear, my actions seem slow and twisted, but In my heart, I have been looking forward to the arrival of a "confidant" and a deeper "understanding".

Here I especially want to thank a former friend, although I really can’t contact him at all and have forgotten his name and appearance (it’s just a job I met a few times) partner), but what he said to me could affect me for the rest of my life.

He said: "I think you are very interesting. Those comedians are boring to me, but you are quite interesting to me." The deep feeling when he spoke, and the encouragement he received in his heart at that time, I can still remember some of it.

It is precisely because of such people, perhaps because they were able to see a corner of my spiritual world overnight and gave me some encouragement, that I suddenly had some hope.

Maybe I can still find someone who can understand me. You don’t have to understand it very well, but knowing a little bit and saying “very interesting” to me is a great comfort to me.

Of course, it is also accompanied by some changes in self-perception. Simply put, it is the "acceptance" of myself. This means far more to me than others can understand, let alone an illusory "confidant". ".

In fact, I have never classified myself as avoidant, dependent or anxious, because I classified myself seriously, as if I wanted to write a prescription to cure this sensitivity. .

I now understand that it does not need to be cured at all, it is just a state of my mind. The overthinking and secondary damage I have caused in these years in order to "cure it" may be much higher. As for itself, what I need is actually to re-look at "sensitivity" and get rid of using "good" and "bad" to evaluate this personality trait, and even evaluate my own mindset.

I not only accept daily incomprehension like drinking water, but also try to accept the fact that I cannot satisfy everyone, and accept the fact that I may never become a good person.

Yes, being frank and forthright is not my way of life.

After understanding this, inferiority complex and incomprehensible loneliness are more like imprints imposed on me by the outside world, rather than my own state.

Accept being inexpressive, accept being alone, enjoy it, and to a certain extent, indulge it.

For me now, accepting "I am a sensitive introvert" is just like accepting the fact "I just don't like English". I have accepted that I may bring about the consequences of accepting it. It was a utilitarian loss, but I still accepted it calmly.

Very good.

As mentioned above, I wrote this article just to find someone to talk to.

Or even if there is no such person, there can be a place where you can "complain" and "post comments" to tell yourself "I can still express myself bravely."

Similarly, because of my sensitivity, I have thought about a lot of things, but I have not recorded them at all, and I always feel a little guilty.

So this will be the place where I will complain and record my thoughts in the future.

Thank you for seeing this, thank you for being willing to get to know me.

That’s it for today. I love you and need you.