What if the child has made bad friends?
She is the mother of a boy of 1 1 years old. She found that her son made a good friend this semester, and the two boys often went out to play together. But through several contacts, she thinks that this boy has many bad habits.
He is impulsive, often curses, and likes to cheat adults. For example, when he went out to play video games on weekends, he insisted on tricking her into going to the library with his son. Sometimes even instigated his son to isolate other children together, not to let him play with classmates he didn't like, or even fight with teachers.
Although the mother explicitly and implicitly told her son that she hoped he wouldn't get too close to the child, it was totally useless. Every time my son promises well, two people always play behind my back.
This led to the mother's special incomprehension. Why does the clever and sensible son care so much about this friend? Doesn't he know that he has made a bad friend? What can be done to keep children away from bad friends?
In fact, the mother's troubles, before the teacher Min Min also received similar help, was troubled by the same thing, that is, parents have opinions on their children's friends: a good friend in kindergarten is a child who steals snacks from other children; Students who often play together in primary schools are rebellious students who are not good at learning in the eyes of teachers. ...
Without exception, parents are worried that "all people close to Zhu Zhechi are black". They want to directly reduce children's contact with so-called "bad children" and worry about hurting their friendship. Even if you are determined to break up with your child, the child will still be tempted to play with his peers.
As children enter adolescence, the influence of peers will become greater and greater, and sometimes even exceed that of parents.
During this period, their hearts were full of contradictions. On the one hand, they are eager for the affirmation of their parents, on the other hand, they hope to enhance their self-confidence by seeking the approval of their peers.
This will be different in gender, for example, boys want more respect and trust, while girls want to integrate into the collective faster and not be excluded.
The "bad boy" in the eyes of adults may have many problems from the perspective of adults. They lie, don't like learning and are naughty, but if they fall into the children's perspective, these "bad things" are full of mysterious attraction. It is an unusual move that they have never experienced, and it is also the "fun" they lack, and it is also a kind of "alien attraction" with different personalities.
The film July and An Sheng tells the story of sincere friendship between two girls with different personalities. In July, she was clever and sensible, obeying the rules, but she was rebellious and dared to resist. She is what people call a "bad boy".
But they became best friends. In July, a good student yearned for the freedom of Ansheng, so he was willing to do bad things with her and experienced a youthful rebellion.
Children want to play with "bad children" in the eyes of their parents. Many times, just because you see what you lack, you will be unconsciously attracted and eager to be accepted.
Parents can take this opportunity to reflect on whether their daily discipline is too strict and restrictive, so that children have no chance to express their true feelings, so they hope to vent through others' "borrowing courage".
Tara Pan Da, who works as a social worker in a school in Atlanta, USA, points out that when children are young, what they need to learn at this stage is how to make friends, how to be good friends and how to deal with conflicts in a positive way, because their parents are in complete control of their own lives.
As children enter early adolescence or adolescence, their main goal in friendship is to develop self-identity, so friends play an important role in it.
However, children are still children and are still in the stage of continuous learning. If parents want to fulfill their parental responsibilities, they need to set clear expectations for their children's behavior patterns and support their children when they fail.
This means that parents let their children make friends freely, let them experience injuries in friendship, then wipe away tears for their children, accompany them to learn to feel the bitterness and joy of making friends, and guide them to understand the true meaning of friends.
However, if children really make friends with bad conduct, then parents will take completely different measures.
Tara Pandarinath suggested that parents should face and analyze this "bad boy" with their children instead of being completely isolated.
Parents can temporarily hold back their dissatisfaction and ask with curiosity, because teenagers are very sensitive to autonomy, so parents should not easily try to cross the boundary between parents and children.
Then write down the information about friends that the child said before, and then tell the child what the other person's behavior is inconsistent with what the child said according to observations and facts, and gradually guide the child to pay attention to the problems existing in their relationship.
Express your worries with facts rather than judgments, and don't try to manipulate children or help them make decisions, which may cause their emotional rebound.
When children talk about the communication between friends, parents can also share their experiences of making friends, such as the process of meeting people or failing to make friends before, and guide children to think for themselves whether friends around them are good friends.
Christy Thrash, an American psychologist, said that it is not easy to prohibit teenagers from making friends, but parents can encourage their children to expand their social circle and increase the opportunities to make friends, such as signing up for extracurricular activities or interest classes to help them find a part-time job with their peers.
Teenagers' frontal lobes are not fully developed, so they underestimate the danger and overestimate themselves, thinking that they will not be hurt. If children still choose to associate with bad friends after the above communication work, parents will take more resolute action, that is, interrupt their association.
Especially when children are bullied on campus and the school is slow to take action, it is the best way to choose to transfer decisively.
In addition, Christy Thrash warned that if children only enjoy the feeling of being accepted by the other party after associating with bad friends or even fighting or doing bad things, they may still make the same bad friends in the new school whether they transfer to another school or not.
Therefore, parents should closely supervise their children at home, and when their behavior improves, they should relax appropriately and give them more freedom.
Actually, making friends is a process of trial and error. From the separation and integration, we know what kind of friends we need, but also reflect on ourselves, constantly improve ourselves and become friends that others need. Adults are still trying, and children are inevitable.