"Intimacy" "Intimacy" 1 This book explores the long-term understanding and judgment of poets, playwrights, philosophers, and even medical scientists on intimate relationships. Due to scientists' neglect of the study of intimate relationships for thousands of years, when popular psychology took the dominant position in relationship science, people's understanding and understanding of interpersonal relationships was often superficial or even wrong. However, in the last 20 years, as documented in this book, research in this area has changed significantly. It will give us a new understanding of love, marriage, commitment, friendship, passion, understanding, communication, intimacy, attachment, partner selection, jealousy, and more.

The basic readers of this book are college students and their tutors. The writing style of this book is concise and easy to understand, and provides a large number of examples from daily life. However, it does not shy away from complex issues such as research results and theoretical interpretation. In short, this book meets the needs of a personal understanding of the subject while maintaining rigorous professional standards.

Part 1 Introduction to the Study of Intimate Relationships

Chapter 1 Elements of Relationships

Chapter 2 Research Methods

Chapter 3 Attraction

Part 2: The Basic Process of Acquaintance and Intimacy

Chapter 4 Social Cognition

Chapter 5 Communication

Six Chapter Interdependence

Part Three Friendship and Intimacy

Chapter Seven Friendship Throughout Life

Chapter Eight Love

Chapter Part 4: Relationship Issues

Chapter 9: Pressure and Tension

Chapter 10: Power in Intimate Relationships

Chapter 11: Conflict and Violence

Part 5: Loss and Enhancement of Intimacy

Chapter 12: Disintegration and Loss of Intimacy

Chapter 13: Loneliness

Tenth Chapter Four: Cultivating Intimacy: Acquiring, Maintaining and Repairing Reference "Intimacy" 2

I read a book today. I didn't read it very carefully. I can only give you a rough reading. So I don’t know if I made a wrong decision in writing my thoughts after reading it, but I can’t help but share some of the most memorable points after reading it.

This book probably talks about several stages of a relationship, namely the stages of brilliance, disillusionment, introspection, and revelation. In each stage, the author explains his understanding and derivation process, own experience. There are many places that I read very engrossed because they are very relevant to me. For example, he talked about how people make decisions when they are in a dilemma. There are certain analyzes and cases in the book that I will not go into because I also remember them. I'm not sure, but I remember the final core point. The solution given by the author is to make a true choice, a decision that satisfies the interests of both parties or tries to satisfy the interests of both parties to the greatest extent possible. In fact, after reading this, I think it is just to be a rational person. choice. The author just expresses the word "reason" as "truth". Maybe in the author's view, truth is more sacred or prudent. There is also a problem reflected here, that is, if you read this book, some words may be a little different from your current understanding of the word. For example, the truth just mentioned, the core of the meaning expressed in the book is rationality, and in Nowadays, although people's understanding of truth has a rational meaning, their understanding is more of eternal and timeless opinions or principles that have been verified repeatedly. For another example, the word "intuition" is more understood by us as relying on feelings and sixth sense, but the author's understanding is "to pay attention to the thoughts of my soul." Maybe the author wants to express that people's first intuition or first reflection is the most real, that is, the one closest to people's hearts. It can probably be judged that the author interprets certain words from the perspective of psychology or a deeper understanding. We should also prepare a more sacred heart when reading the book, or we need to make more turns to read certain words more deeply. .

In addition, many of the principles shown in this book can actually be expressed in a more concise way, and these principles are already easily understood or already known by everyone. The author explains in this book The writing in the book is very mysterious, or it is to maintain the tone of a book that highlights psychological and relationship themes, making you think wow, it turns out that the text I read on a page is actually reading a truth that I have already understood, and this Authors who can explain the truth in one or two sentences should write it in one page. Of course, we cannot say that this book is not wordy. After all, it is similar to a psychological book. The reading rhythm and temperament must match the positioning of the book. It must also have more analysis and reasoning processes, so in our When I see a conclusion, the author demonstrates it through real cases or personal experience, giving it rationality and science.

The book also elaborates on an important point that can be regarded as an innate attribute, which can be said to be the thinking and logical attribute of human nature. I think I can summarize it this way: when you choose a side, it is because you Choose the side that makes you more comfortable in the moment. For example, you are in pain when you are irritable, so why are you irritable even though you are in pain? Because it is easier for people to vent their anger than to endure it internally. Another example is quarreling. Although quarreling takes a lot of effort and makes you feel bad, you may regret it afterwards. But why do most human beings still choose to quarrel at this time? It's because we would rather argue than face our wounds, and it's because it's easier to be angry than mature and heartbroken. These all illustrate that when human beings make certain decisions, they will give priority to decisions that allow them to vent immediately or that are relatively comfortable.

There are also some points in the book that impressed me very much:

For example, when you are doubting yourself, you can regard the state of doubting yourself as doubt. Doubt is a question. Do not think of it as a factor that affects the future and will not succeed. You can use the concept of doubt as a question to allow yourself to do more rational analysis and make more preparations for the future.

Another example is sacrifice. Sacrifice is not an act, but a state of mind. Whether or not it makes you happy when you're doing the dishes depends entirely on your mindset. When you're doing the dishes because your significant other is playing there, it feels like a sacrifice and may affect your mood. But if you regard washing dishes as a kind of slow life or another kind of entertainment, you will not think of it as an act of sacrifice.

Finally, I would like to share one more thing: fear. If you are afraid of something, you treat it as unreal because your fear is just your imagination. A lot of fear occurs before things happen, so you are more likely to scare yourself. You have the opportunity to have more time to grasp and improve.

Of course, it is a book after all, and I will not stop sharing it so easily. I really want to share the last point, which is the analysis of the quarrel. Here I will briefly recall what I saw in the books. In fact, there are many analyzes and interpretations of this topic in the books, but I can only think of this now. We sometimes quarrel and explain in order to make the other party feel guilty, so that the other party can give in and express his debt or admit his fault because he feels guilty about us, so that he can be better to himself.

Also, there is a lot written in this book. I think if you can calm down and read it carefully, you will gain a lot. I will put this book on my desk as a book that I have read but still feel like I am reading. I will definitely gain a lot from reading it occasionally.

It’s late at night, and the strongest first impression after reading this book is these few points. After writing it for almost an hour, I felt really sleepy. I was originally going to stop writing and go to sleep, but later I felt that I had to record my thoughts after reading it for the first time. Late at night, I will read with you, haha~ "Intimate Relationship" 3

This "Intimate Relationship" is the only and best psychology book I have ever read. It is not easy to read because Every sentence arouses thought. After reading it once, I feel I have harvested 50% of the essence of the book. When writing my thoughts after reading, I just need to turn a page and I will have new insights between the lines. Now I write down a simple reading reflection based on my superficial understanding. I hope I can study it deeply again and experience the joy of communicating with the soul.

Although the intimate relationship in the book focuses on the relationship between husband and wife, I understand it more to include all relationships close to oneself, including husband and wife, parents, children, etc. And what I focus more on is the process of understanding myself.

The opposite of confronting is to avoid and not dare to face. Speaking of being able to let go only when faced directly, it reminds me of a movie plot. A person is chased by a ghost monster in an illusion and keeps running away. The ghost monster pursues him and becomes stronger and more ferocious because of the fear of the protagonist. When When the protagonist is being chased with no way to escape, he has to face the illusion and tell himself that this is not real, it is all an illusion. In an instant, the fierce ghosts and monsters that pounced on him disappeared, and his eyes returned to a peaceful and tranquil reality. I think in life, when we don’t know how to deal with our emotions, when we face our lovers, parents, children, friends and ourselves, the pain accumulated in our hearts should bring us as much torture as those of monsters and monsters. We are heartbroken, maddened, and sometimes even feel that it is easier to die than to live. As a person who cannot transcend the world and can talk to the soul at any time, I still have to face the pain brought by life at any time, but reading Christopher's "Intimacy" allows me to face the pain head-on when it comes. Pain, regard pain and doubt in my heart as an opportunity to understand myself and my soul, then I will no longer be afraid of it from the inside, but accept it, be grateful for it, and make myself stronger, with love in my heart. and hope.

The description of talent in the book is also very enlightening to me. Talent is our innate talent, not inspired by inspiration. As long as we follow the guidance of our soul, creative ideas and words will emerge in endlessly, which will be beneficial to ourselves. Doubts will confuse and hinder us, preventing us from understanding how talented we are. When we face this doubt, we will find that it is actually various feelings of fear, tension, and panic created by ourselves. In turn, we torture ourselves, deny ourselves, and make us afraid to approach our own essence due to fear. Once we understand its origin, fear disappears, and we can confidently use our talents. (Here I am looking forward to reading the author's other book "Recovering Your Gift of Life")

To deal with emotions, you still have to face them head-on - face them head-on, say it, feel it, Before, I only knew how to control my emotions, but when I didn’t understand emotions and the nature of such emotions, controlling emotions became the suppression of my emotions. After reading this book, I understood the nature of emotions, and then Be able to follow the guidance of your soul, accept it with sincerity, and let it disappear naturally. "No emotion will stay with you for more than six minutes unless you build a home for it and let it live in you forever. If you deny your emotion, make excuses for it, fear or Indulge your emotions and they will take root in your heart.”

Whether it is the happiness of intimate relationships or other happiness in life, it all depends on how we respond every moment, so ask yourself more, what do I want? If you want If you want to be happy, you know what to do...

Only by choosing to face the pain can you finally let go of the pain, follow the guidance of the soul, and believe that life will be like the wings of a butterfly after painful transformations. bloom. "Intimate Relationship" 4

Intimate relationships are not limited to lovers, but also include family members and best friends. When we have conflicts with people we care about, who care about us, who I love, who love me, we must learn to solve the problem from the perspective of love. Your anger and inability to let go are related to your childhood memories. You will think of similar situations before, and we tend to transform this emotion into intimate relationships in order to seek temporary relief. As long as there is a relationship, it needs to be managed, not to mention the relationship that is different from ordinary intimate relationships. So, if you care about him, use love to solve the problem, don't keep a cold war, talk to each other with a sincere heart, and tell your true thoughts, you will often get unexpected gains.

When facing things, don’t solve them in the usual family way. Following the rules will not bring you happiness. Don't always be self-centered and don't care too much about your own feelings. Just because you're sad doesn't mean others will be. If you want a long-lasting relationship, be more considerate, more empathetic, more patient, and less assertive. Don't care how much you pay. If you love this person, then be selfless, give him a peach and repay him with a plum, that's the truth. In an intimate relationship, if there is less competition, the relationship will be closer. The above are the thoughts that come to mind after reading this.

That's probably it, end of "Intimacy" 5

1. The center of the universe calls for love

If you face problems with love from the heart, the problems can be creative solved.

2. Combination relationship in a relationship

In a pair of relationships, there are often similar opposite role plays. They can be combined into a whole, and the person between them is the problem. Makers and participants have the opportunity to heal from past wounds.

3. The occurrence of the event itself is neutral

Existing events will stimulate our emotions, which are generated by our views on something in the past. What we need to reflect on are our thoughts and feelings about the past event.

　4. Life has its own guidance

　“Choose love, truth, or the light of the soul, and decide to pursue them, so that the grace of life can help me ascend and transcend pain. "The statements throughout the text are filled with the shadow of the Bible. If you have experienced the joy of peace, you will probably be able to understand what the author said when facing problems, use a creative, spontaneous, love and truth-filled way to deal with them. Things, what it feels like.

5. Don’t stubbornly believe that you should live with your current partner for the rest of your life.

“What your heart cares most about is not whether you will stay in the intimate relationship, but how it will be.” Only by doing can you understand your true self. If you are willing to obey your heart, you will naturally understand the method of dealing with intimate relationships."

When I first opened this book, I was obsessed with searching. I learned about ways to keep a close relationship forever. After reading about 1/3 of the book yesterday, I shared the book I read recently with a group of book friends. After talking about a certain point in it, they also asked me, which book Is there any solution mentioned there? When I was asked, I just said that I hadn’t finished reading it yet. I flipped through it today and I felt that most of the book was about showing people in relationships, why they encounter conflicts, and the emotional direction of certain people. , what are the usual ways of coping, and how do people in the relationship cope with it with awareness. It also illustrates from personal experience that even people who are as aware as the author often fall into traps when dealing with problems in intimate relationships. It reminds us that we must have the intention to always love and pursue the truth. and determination to deal with problems. At the end of the book, there is a reminder that this book is not about staying stuck in a relationship that is not suitable for you. You have to ask your heart whether to stay or go? "Intimate Relationships" 6

"We usually project all the unmet needs that we have not had since childhood onto the person who loves us and makes us feel special. We feel that with him (her), these needs will be satisfied. ”

“Blaming others, criticizing other people’s behavior, and accusing others of being unwilling to change is actually an easy way to simply use moral criticism to elevate yourself to a higher position than others. It also frees us from our own insecurities. ”

Christopher divides intimacy (mainly love) into four stages: halo, disillusionment, introspection and revelation. In this regard, his point of view is somewhat similar to the love chapter in "The Road Less Traveled". Love is passionate, ecstasy and bliss at the beginning. Everything is so beautiful and has no shortcomings. At this stage, love is willing to do anything for the other person. . After entering the second stage, conflicts and quarrels begin to arise, and you may even feel that you can't find anything attractive about the other person. Until the third stage, intimate relationships can allow you to find opportunities to look directly into your own heart. From this, you can find that the source of most quarrels is that people are escaping from the pain in their hearts, and that pain is mostly due to what you asked for when you were a child or have not been able to get it. . If you have the courage to face the pain of your past, you have the opportunity to move into the final phase and see your true nature revealed. "Looking for intimacy and a true partner is actually looking for yourself."

If you want to measure what you have learned from this book, it is still difficult. To this day, whether it is intimate relationships or interpersonal communication , it is still a stumbling process from the book to the actual application. I often feel frustrated because I have read books, listened to the principles, and experienced a lot, but I still encountered so many things that were distressing, frustrating, and angry, until I saw this sentence. "Afraid of the infinite truth, I feel happy every inch I advance.

""Intimate Relationship" 7

1. Like glue

Xiaoli is nestled on Xiaojie's shoulder, her newly made hair is as beautiful as a waterfall, exuding an elegant fragrance, eating marshmallows . Xiaojie hugged Xiaoli and wiped the sugar foam from the corner of her mouth with her fingers: "Baby, eat slowly, look at you, you eat like an old man with a white beard..."

2. Newlywed Yan'er

Xiaoli was learning to make Xiaojie's favorite braised chicken. Xiaojie hugged her from behind, and Xiaoli said coquettishly: "I hate it, why do you want me to cook for you!" Accidentally, the chicken was burnt. Xiaojie bravely ate a piece, "It's okay, just think I bought a black-bone chicken today, it tastes really good!"

3. Firewood, rice, oil and salt

In the third year after marriage, Xiaojie When Li came home from work, Xiaojie was lying on the sofa looking at her mobile phone. "Honey, what are you going to eat for dinner?" "Why don't you cook? I'm not the old lady you hired!" If not, I'll go out to eat!" "Bang" slammed the door and left.

4. Expected demand

Xiaojie came back and said, "Honey, it was me who was wrong just now. When I was a child, my mother always scolded me and I would get angry whenever I saw a woman being mean. I bought your favorite fish-flavored shredded pork and eat it while it's hot. "Husband, today my boss criticized me for making mistakes in my report. I breastfed my son too late and had a headache. I didn't mean to..."

5. Intimacy

Xiaojie held Xiaoli in his arms: "I will prepare milk powder for the child from now on, and you have a good rest. "Xiaoli's hair has been cut short, and it still smells a bit after not being washed for two days, but love and understanding make them closer.

Are you Xiaoli (Li), or Xiaojie (Jie)? "Intimacy" 8

We long to establish a sincere and intimate relationship, but we are afraid of being hurt again. How to obtain the happiness we yearn for in "intimate relationships"? It is worth thinking and learning.

< p> Of course, we can attribute the setbacks, sufferings, and pain we encounter in "intimate relationships" to external factors or others, but this often does not help. We still cannot get the happiness we yearn for, and the pain still cannot be overcome. Heal.

Let this book take us to understand the nature of "intimacy".

According to motivation theory, people's behavior is controlled by their motives. In other words, our behaviors are all to satisfy some of our needs. We pursue or attract others to be our partners because we need others' company, care, understanding, support or other.

So in an intimate relationship, all behaviors are motivated. Understanding the motivations of these behaviors can better see our own "needs" and see ourselves clearly (critical thinking)

When we meet such a person, it is as if we have found the missing rib and are instantly fulfilled. In order to attract such a person, we must pretend that we have the qualities that need to be compensated by that person. For example, you want to find someone. If you have a confident person as your partner, you will think that a confident person will not like someone who has a particularly low self-esteem, so you will try your best to show your confident side in front of this confident person.

When we need others to love us, we deny that we have enough love in our hearts. If we need it, we will make demands and want them to be what we like. However, no matter how hard we try to use implicit or explicit truth. , trying to make your partner "better" is futile, because the needs behind our behavior will not make us feel the love in our hearts.

If you can't let yourself go. By imposing your needs on your partner, you can find what you really need deep within yourself. By getting rid of the constraints of your needs, you can feel pure love. In addition, learning to accept your partner will also allow you to learn. To accept who you are and stop thinking you need something to be complete. If we cling to expectations and demands, we are doomed to fail in our quest to find true love. , your needs will never be met, and you will feel disappointed or even resentful.

We should all think about why we feel disappointed and resentful, and what is not being met, and these must be met. Is there any other way?

Every intimate relationship will encounter difficulties, and behind every problem, there is some kind of emotional pain.

It is this hurt that leads to arguments, criticism, or recriminations.

If we encounter difficulties but allow ourselves to get angry at will, this will lead to the relationship between the two people drifting apart.

On the surface, the two parties in the dispute often seem to be on opposite sides, but in fact, all disputes originate from the same pain on both sides. As long as they are aware of each other's problems, they can turn their arguments into understanding. (Be aware of others)

Most intimate relationships will give people a sense of failure. If you treat your partner as a tool to fulfill your personal needs, you'll quickly feel like you've either chosen the wrong person or that the spark of love has died out.

But if you see intimacy as a way to learn to love unconditionally, your determination can get you through the hard times and experience greater joy and intimacy. At this stage, there are countless traps in the subconscious, and your efforts seem to be in vain. To break through these seemingly impenetrable barriers, we must learn the art of "walking through walls." (Introspection, self-awareness)

Introspection is often seen as the ugliest stage in an intimate relationship, because you feel that your partner is no longer as attractive as before. You've gotten used to a set way of treating each other and dealing with old problems that keep popping up.

At this stage, nothing in the intimate relationship can satisfy you. You may feel an elusive sense of burnout, boredom, excessive hallucinations, intensified addictive behaviors, etc., and you also feel that you don’t care. Nothing can be done to change the status quo. These invisible walls cause you great pain.

If you find yourself in this situation now or in the future, you must choose your response very carefully. Escape can't solve the problem, but we can choose to "cross" obstacles. So how to "get out through the wall"?

In intimate relationships, there are many "walls" surrounding us. How can we "get through the wall"? "What about? How to get out of the victim's prison? Although there is no formula for intimacy, there are still some general principles:

1. To solve the problem, you must first get rid of the problem. frame. You must break through your own cognition and first know where your problems are.

2. All questions are actually gifts and valuable experiences in disguise. That’s when you solve a problem, and it’s not just about washing the dishes or the electric bill, but about the problem of your inner needs not being met.

3. Everything you see is a projection of your inner world.

4. Everyone has the ability to be 100% responsible for the things in their own lives. Married life is your own business. It is something you can solve by facing your own heart, adjusting your own state, and then understanding the gap in your own heart. Don't blame others.

5. Freedom does not come from answers, but from questions. It means being able to ask a good question and discover what problems are in the intimate relationship. By finding this question, we are closer to freedom.

6. There is no problem so big that love cannot solve it. It means everything. As long as you treat it with love and solve it with love, you will definitely be able to solve the problem. "Intimate Relationship" 9

When we were young, everyone had no time to spare, they were all busy and chasing fame and fortune. However, when a goal we pursue that we think is important is achieved, the goal seems not important at all. So we turn to chasing the next distant goal.

Regardless of whether we have achieved the goals we are pursuing, few of us stop and ask ourselves: Are these goals worth my time to pursue?

When we are young, "doing things" is our entire life, because only then can we feel useful and important, and our lives have purpose, but we still often feel empty.

However, all the sages and sages since ancient times have been trying to tell us a truth: "What matters is not what you do, but what kind of person you are."

When spiritual master Maharaj was young, he was asked what the most important word in the English language was. His answer was: "LET" (LET). When he said this, he must have already broken through the wall of intimacy and experienced "life outside the wall", because the key to soul relationship is "permission".

Of course, this is not to ask us to sit around and do nothing all day long, but to make us understand that what we do should be done following the guidance of our hearts. If we understand permission, then what we do comes from inspiration, creative thought, and revelation.

There is a big difference in the quality of life between "doing for the sake of doing" and "allowing". "Allow→Accept→Accommodate→Love", this is the correct way for us to love ourselves and our family.

In soul relationships, what we need to practice is not doing things, but allowing. Communication no longer follows formulas, but allows us to be guided by our inner intuition, inspiration, and light that reveals our true feelings. "Intimate Relationships" 10

Recently I finally finished reading the book "Intimate Relationships". It took more than a year from opening to finishing. This is probably the longest book I have ever read. It took me a year to read "The Pyramid Principle" last time.

The Importance of Intimacy

In this life, you will meet many people. Someone will stay with you for a while and then go their separate ways. In this process, we will get to know many people. Some will become our friends, and some will become best friends or buddies. But in the end, we will find that there are really very few people who can really walk together for a long time. Even after a long time, we can't meet lovers who appreciate each other. I'm confused as to why we are like this. Is it because we are not close enough or do we eat together less frequently?

We feel that normal social interaction with people related to us has become essential. To satisfy our need to belong, we strive to establish and maintain close interpersonal relationships with others. We also expect to associate and communicate with those who care about us.

The Secret of Attraction

The basis of attraction is a reward. Being with others brings pleasure, and if others show us a lot of interest and approval, we feel very happy about the attention and acceptance. The more rewards this kind of thing can provide us, the stronger the attraction will be to us

As the saying goes, people who are closer to the water are more likely to like and get to know people who are closer to us, because proximity is often Can lead to familiarity, and familiarity leads to liking.

Reciprocity, we like those who like us. Whether the other person accepts you or not is an important question that most people consider when making friends. When the other person also likes you, you will find that you are worthy of being loved and thus find your own value.

Birds of a feather flock together, and people flock together. We like to be with the people we imagine. It would also be pleasurable if we could meet someone who happens to be just like us, with the same background, interests and tastes.

The Importance of Communication

In our daily lives, some people gradually drift apart because of less contact, some people start to slander each other because of quarrels, and some people start to slander each other because they can’t talk. Together, dating is a matter between two people, and it is possible that the other party has made a mistake that you cannot forgive, etc.

The establishment and accumulation of relationships takes a long time, but there are many reasons for destroying the foundation of relationships. Therefore, feelings are a fragile thing, and sometimes they are vulnerable. If you say the wrong word, the boat of friendship may capsize.

I don’t know how to write it at this point. Maybe I haven’t experienced enough, and I haven’t digested many aspects yet, so I can only do this for now. I will add more when I have new insights in the future. Author: Zeng Yongfu;