The loss of friends is a necessary pain in growing up.
You can't always keep close contact with all your classmates in primary school, junior high school, senior high school and university. Some of them may leave unforgettable memories for you, but they can't avoid the moment when they parted ways.
One of the signs of maturity is to stop boasting about how many brothers you have at your fingertips, but to know who is more important to you and need you to spend more time and energy to maintain it. It's normal for friends to get together and leave, but if you keep losing old friends and it's hard to make new ones, then you may need to examine your understanding of "friends".
A "friend"? Or "acquaintances" who have known each other for several years?
Many people take "friends" too seriously.
In your opinion, maybe everyone will go out for dinner several times, stay up late to do projects together, and chat on WeChat for a few hours from time to time to be friends. Maybe you think you are friends here and now, and you will be friends all your life. Even if we don't go to the same class next semester, even if we go back to our hometown on holiday, even if we go to different cities for development in the future, we will keep in touch, we will talk to each other in the middle of the night, and we will be on call and join together. ......
But in fact, the meaning of "friend" is more than "together".
True friends are always based on countless years of self-sacrifice and self-exposure:
Open your heart to each other. You dare and are willing to share your mental journey with each other, including your feelings and confusion about your family, lover and dreams. Don't worry about getting drunk in the morning and no one will take you home, don't worry about being lovelorn and crying on your shoulders, and don't worry about sleeping on the street if you can't pay the rent this month.
You can unscrupulously remove your disguise in front of the other party, because you know that the other party will tolerate those who pretend to be brave, but there will be fierce quarrels and suspicions along the way, but after you calm down, you can restore your previous trust and tacit understanding. This is a true friend. There are certainly not many such friends, but it is lucky to have one. So don't mistake those "acquaintances" who eat, drink and be merry in college for their "friends".
As the saying goes, "depend on your parents at home and your friends when you go out." But friends who can really help you and give you trust and dependence can't be caught as soon as you go out. Of course, even if we become friends, not everyone can die.
90% of friends in WeChat are like friends.
Ex-girlfriend who broke up for three years, junior high school classmate who bought it, colleague who met in internship last year, senior who sold second-hand books last semester ..... How many people have been lying in your WeChat address book silently but haven't contacted for almost a whole year?
A study shows that most people can only establish substantive relationships with 150 people at most, which is the conclusion drawn by Robin Dunbar, an anthropologist and evolutionary psychologist at Oxford University in the United Kingdom.
Although the number of "friends" we have on social networks is much higher than 150, in real life, only 150 "insiders" can keep in touch at least once a year, recognize each other as friends and know each other's status. Social networks give us contact, but they may not give us communication; It brings us closer, but it may not increase our intimacy.
So don't think that sending a circle of nearly 100 praises means that you have a wide network of people. I can chat with people on WeChat for one night or even be a confidant. When there is a real problem, telephone reinforcements may not reach 10. Instead of spending time managing your circle of friends on social networks, it is better to have in-depth conversations and contacts with several people offline.
You blame others for being snobbish and others think you are selfish.
Many people always complain that they have met some very snobbish "friends"-the only reason they get along with themselves is to get benefits.
For example, I think you are generous and have the cheek to drink wine, or I think you are a bully and hug your thighs in a different way.
I believe you have made it clear here that such people can't be regarded as real friends at all, and the relationship based on interests usually won't last long; When you are tired of being used, or they think you have nothing to use, the communication between the two sides will naturally alienate.
In addition to this explicit use, people often fall into a more implicit "use" when they get along.
It must be admitted that maintaining a friendship requires continuous investment. When your circle of friends expands, you will find it particularly difficult to keep close relationship with everyone before, because you can't allocate time at all, especially in the busy university life abroad.
For example, before going abroad, you must think that you will keep in touch with your best friend in high school, but in fact, once you enter a new environment, old friends are often put aside. However, people in the new circle don't know each other like old friends. There are some things you just want to say to your best friend, but at this time, if you go to your best friend in China, you will find that the other person has already left.
After all, people are not toys. You can't put them aside when you are finished and play when you need them. Former friends, if neglected to greet, will slowly walk away. Emotional connection has no shelf life, and it must be continuously consolidated to keep it fresh.
When you are busy with your own affairs, in a bad mood and in trouble, you just want to ask your friends for help. In the eyes of friends, this is tantamount to a kind of "use"-you only think of me when you need me, and usually pretend that I don't exist. After all, being a friend is the same as falling in love. One side can't always want nothing.
There are fewer and fewer old friends, and all that can be left are intimate friends.
After leaving the campus after graduation, many people will once again deeply feel that it is increasingly difficult to find intimate and simple friends without friends.
Indeed, since the mid-1920s, people's social circles, the "insiders" who really have substantive contacts, will be greatly reduced.
The number of people exposed will decrease with age. In other words, the number of active people in your address book will gradually decrease, and most of them may just send a blessing message during the Spring Festival.
Once people know what they want and what kind of people they are more suitable to associate with, they will not spend their time on messy social activities, but will concentrate on maintaining their relationship with only a few people and hope that these people can accompany them for a long time.
In other words, most people will go through a process: no matter the limitation of brain structure or the helplessness of life changes, they will eventually accept the choice that fewer and fewer people can be defined as old friends, but their weight in your heart is getting heavier and heavier. I used to think that the more friends I have, the more I can prove my existence and value. It was not until the baptism of years that I gradually realized that I really don't need many friends, as long as I have a few intimate friends.
Therefore, from another perspective, it is not necessarily a bad thing to find it difficult to make friends after going abroad. Because you may have noticed that some social activities are meaningless, some so-called friends are not sincere, some feelings need time to settle down and experience tests, and some friends can't stay even if they try hard.
In this process, you will definitely feel lonely, but it is this loneliness that can make you see clearly what you are suitable for and what you need. Just because you know that we will be scattered all over the world in the future, you don't have to be intimate now; You can't shut yourself up just because you are afraid of being cheated or being used to hurt you. Friends circle is like waves, which will beat on the shore again and again. The traces in front will soon dissipate, and the ones behind will still leave an impact.
Friends, travelers. At least once, only once is precious.