when choosing a friend, you must seek three benefits, that is, friends are straightforward, friends are tolerant, and friends are well-informed.
the "three benefits" and "three losses" of friends ―― one of the ways of making friends in Yu Dan's talk about The Analects of Confucius
What kind of friends a person has in his life directly reflects what kind of person he is. A good friend is a book, which can open your whole world, that is, we often say that birds of a feather flock together. What kind of person you just need to observe his social circle, from such an external environment, you can see his own inner value orientation. So what kind of friends are encouraged in the Analects? Very simple, Confucius said: in this world, there are three friends who benefit and three friends who lose; Friends are straightforward, friends forgive, and friends hear more, which is beneficial; Friends are biased, friendly and soft, and friends are foolish and harmful.
Let's talk about three friends who are beneficial, that is, friends who are straightforward, friends who understand and friends who hear more.
first, this friend should be honest, open and upright. A person can't be flattering, but should have a kind of lang lang personality and stand tall in this world. This is a good friend. Because his personality can reflect your personality, he can give you courage when you are timid; He can give you a kind of decisiveness when you hesitate. This is a good friend.
the second kind is friendship and forgiveness, that is, tolerant friends. In fact, tolerance is sometimes a virtue. It is one of the deepest virtues in the world. We will find that when we accidentally make mistakes or cause harm to others, sometimes excessive criticism and criticism are not as lasting as the power of tolerance. In fact, sometimes what we can't stand most is that when a person repents, he doesn't get other people's grievances but gets a touch of tolerance, so having a good friend will add a kind of introspection to our hearts; Tolerant friends will not make us degenerate or indulge ourselves more, but will let us find our own shortcomings and shortcomings from the inner tolerance of others. Therefore, there is a tolerant good friend, who is a feeling of being a human being, a kind of compassion, and a light reflected from caring for a flower, a leaf, a grass and a tree in this world. This is the second kind of good friend.
the third kind is called "having more friends and hearing more". In the pre-Qin era, unlike we had computers, there was such developed information and overwhelming media. At that time, what should people do if they want to see and hear widely? The easiest way is to make a good friend, so that the indirect experience of the books your friends read can be transformed into your own direct experience system. When you feel hesitant in this society, go to a friend and use his extensive knowledge as a reference to help you make a choice. So making a well-known friend is just like opening a dictionary. We can always get our own reference system from other people's experience.
These are the three kinds of good friends that Confucius said, that is, friends are straightforward, friends are tolerant, and friends are well-informed. At the same time, there are three kinds of bad friends, which are called friends who are biased, friendly and soft, and friends who are stupid. These three are harmful. This is the loss of three friends. What are these three kinds of people?
First of all, a friend who is biased is a grumpy friend. Everyone's life is different and the situation is different. It is very likely that one thing will happen. When you are still confused, your friend will get angry first and tell you that you can't do this first. We can often see now that many juvenile crimes in society are caused by fighting in groups. If a group fight accidentally kills people, the child will be sentenced to reeducation through labor. In fact, killing people is rarely done by a single person, but often by a group of children. When I was evaluating the National Legal Program Award, I saw many times that a child didn't know who the other person was when he injured him or even killed him by mistake. Why does he want to go? It's just that my buddy is in a high spirit. I think my friend said that everyone is going to have a fight, so he must go. This shows that when you meet such a grumpy friend, he is like a firecracker, and he can ignite an indignation in the hearts of a group of friends, which is often unreasonable and often a blind passion. As an adult world, it doesn't necessarily mean that we all have to pay the price of this kind of group fight. But a person burns an anger, which is only bad for us, not good.
why do bad friends take this kind of bad temper as their first priority? Because blind passion may have consequences that can never be recovered. Good friends should put reason first and tell him how to live a life without danger. I once saw a story from abroad, too. A rich widow, the old lady's family was rich, and she wanted to recruit a driver herself. She sent out job advertisements nationwide, saying that I wanted to see which driver had the best driving skills. After a thousand choices, three candidates were finally selected to stand in front of her. She gave them the same question. She said that if there is a cliff in front of my car, I will test your skills and how far you can park your car from the cliff. The first driver said that I had good skills. I could park my car one meter away from the cliff and stop firmly. The second driver was unconvinced and said that I was better than him. I could park my car ten centimeters away from the cliff and I could still stop. The third driver said, I am not like them. I stopped when I saw the cliff far away. Later, the old lady admitted a third person. Because in this world, technology is never the ultimate guarantee. Man's reason of avoiding risks is his fundamental premise. In other words, the third person was admitted not by his bravado, but by his wisdom.
the second kind is called friendliness and softness. This is just the opposite. This is not a friend with a particularly bad temper, but a friend with a particularly indecisive temper. We found that being too indecisive is actually a waste of your life energy, or maybe you are going to resign. You said there was a chance that I would go to the sea or I would jump ship. You asked your friend, and his friend said, think about it. Your place is not bad now. If you leave, you will lose everything. Many of our friends will give you a restraining force at this critical time, making you feel that I'd better take a step back and be cautious.
Koreans have a very vivid description, saying that there is such a strange thing in this world. It has long hair on its front face, but there is a bald spoon on its back. When this thing comes to meet you, because it has hair all over its face, you don't know what it is. You think about it until it passes by, and you suddenly see it clearly. You reach out and grab it, and find that it has no hair on the back of its head, and it has completely passed by. What is this thing called? Its name is opportunity. Opportunity in this world is such a monster. You will always have doubts when it comes face to face, but you will never catch it when it is about to leave. Soft friends often delay the opportunities around you.
We find that there are many things in this world, not what you do or not, but when you do it is useful. In fact, there are many things in life that have a shelf life. You said a can and a piece of candy is a good thing, but you didn't say that it will be a good thing after ten or eight years. After the shelf life, it will become poison. Many things we have to do in this life, don't be too indecisive friends to interfere with your thinking. Too many such friends are also a kind of harm.
as for the third kind, the so-called friend makes mistake, which is the worst kind of friend. Everyone knows the saying of disloyalty. Well, that's the kind of villain who has ulterior motives and scheming to seek personal interests by unscrupulous means. They are real villains, the kind of people with dark psychology, but these people often dress up with a kind face. Because of his inner intentions, his enthusiasm for people may be dozens of times higher than those who have no intentions. So if you are used by such people carelessly, you will put yourself in chains all your life. If you don't pay a painful price, this friend will not let you go. This is actually testing our own vision and ability to know people and discuss things.
The loser has three friends, and the gainer has three friends. It tells you that everything you do in this life should take friends as a coordinate. "The Analects of Confucius" in the loss of the three friends are grumpy friends, indecisive friends, and those who have ulterior motives. Never make such friends, or we will pay a heavy price. (according to "Yu Dan's Analects of Confucius-the way to make friends")