The following is an excerpt of philosopher Fu Peirong’s views on friends. The content is from the Internet and is for learning and communication only.

As far as friends are concerned, I remember the Roman philosopher Cicero wrote an article "On Friendship", which specifically said: Friends are like sunshine in life; if you don't have friends, you are gone. Sunlight. That's a hard-to-imagine situation. What he said makes sense. But for friends, we cannot simply say "all friends are good", it is not that simple. So let’s do an introspection from five aspects below.

Focus of this issue 1: Three friends who benefit and three friends who harm

We have learned Confucianism from primary school, and we will naturally remember what Confucius said in "The Analects of Confucius: Jishi Chapter" : Three friends will benefit you, and three friends will harm you. He said that there are three types of friends who are helpful and beneficial to each other, namely, friendly friends, friendly friends, and friendly friends who are knowledgeable. This friend is sincere and upright, this friend is considerate and trustworthy, and this friend is knowledgeable and knowledgeable. But he also said that "three friends are harmful", and it is harmful to associate with three kinds of friends: the first is "friends will be friends", which is willful; the second is "friendly and soft", which is tactful and obedient; the third is "friendly and soft", which is tactful and submissive; He is "a sycophant", that is, he speaks forcefully and his eloquence is too good.

Let’s not worry about bad friends first, and look at the positive side first.

The first type is "Youzhi". If a friend is sincere and upright, his association with you will directly reflect his character. The two people discussed each other here, constantly encouraging each other to grow.

The second type is "friendship and forgiveness". "Leng" means understanding, trustworthiness and being honest. In this case, this friend knows you very well. It doesn't matter if everyone in the world misunderstands you; if you have a friend like this, he alone knows what your intentions are, and that's enough. How can you expect everyone in the world to understand you? There has been no such thing since ancient times. Even Confucius said "No one understands me", let alone us ordinary people?

The third type is "friends who know more". As for being knowledgeable, we just talked about being knowledgeable. This "learning" is in a broad sense. You are interested in everything and know something about it. It is very interesting when everyone chats together. There is no problem with these three types of friends being beneficial. We won’t talk about the harmful ones.

Focus 2 of this issue: Four levels of friends

Personally, I have talked about the classification of friends more than once, and they can be divided into four types: friends who are fair-weather friends and friends who are interested in each other. , moral friendship and life and death friendship. It’s easy for people to be friends with each other after a certain stage and then leave and stop interacting with each other; because after you reach a certain age, you can’t eat too much meat or drink too much wine. At this time, everyone will naturally stay together less and more apart. .

The most common friends in life are the second and third types combined - friends of interest and friends of morality. In fact, none of these four types of friends are in conflict with each other. If you have a friend who possesses all four of these, congratulations, it’s almost as if you’ve found an ideal partner to get married to. Most people see some advantages and disadvantages when interacting with others: cooperation will benefit both parties, and separation will hurt both parties. That's not a problem, that's a good thing.

But we must note: morality is the foundation. If you only have interests and lack morality, it will be difficult to last long. If there is morality as the foundation, wouldn't it be great if everyone supports each other throughout life? What does "morality" mean? "Tao" is the right path in life, and "righteousness" is what should be done. Chinese people often combine "Tao" and "righteousness" together. In fact, what they mean is: the goal is "Tao", and "righteousness" is the requirement that every specific action is appropriate and legitimate.

The most rare thing is of course the friendship between life and death, but honestly speaking, we can’t force it. In such peaceful days, it is not easy to make friends between life and death. Usually this kind of life-and-death friendship happens during times of war, when the world is in chaos, so there are stories like the three sworn brothers in Taoyuan. You live in this world, and if everyone is at peace, sometimes it is difficult for you to see a person's most sincere nature. When it comes to friendship between life and death, one must communicate with one's most sincere nature. This divides friends into four levels.

But there is a concept that you must remember here. What kind of friends you want to make, you must first become such a friend yourself and make it worthwhile for others to associate with you.

Focus 3 of this issue: About fate

The so-called "fate" is a very complicated word, like Buddhism, it talks about "karma".

"Cause" is direct, "condition" is indirect, and the effect is the same. We say that friends have three kinds of fate: the first is fate, the second is fate, and the third is fate.

The first is to form a bond. There are many opportunities for so-called bonding: we have been neighbors and fellow villagers since we were children; we may have been classmates when we were studying; we may have been colleagues or colleagues at work; we may even just travel together, in the same team, that's all. This is all fate. You must cherish any kind of fate that appears, because you cannot specifically say that I want to find a friend. Only when fate arises, when you have the same things and the same goals to strive for, can you see: Who can go further with you? The first is bonding. We often talk about forming good karma, and this is what we mean. Because fate can sometimes lead to bad fate, you have to be careful.

The second is to cherish fate. Usually we only think of the good relationship we had when we were separated; at the time, we didn't necessarily cherish it. So when making friends, you must remember to cherish the relationship after you make it. This cherishing of fate means treating every time, every moment, and even every moment we get together as the only one and cherishing it. If this happens, your interactions with others will become more and more profound.

The third is to follow fate. The simplest example of letting go is that I was in middle school. I had a few good friends during my three years in high school, and I even wanted to become sworn brothers. But after you graduate from high school and go to different universities, don't force it. In the future, we can see each other once every few months, and then once a year, and the time will become longer and longer. Why? Because you have to go with the flow. Dependent origination and cessation are natural phenomena. So this is the third aspect, talking about fate in life.

Key point 4 of this issue: Don’t envy others

As long as you treat anyone sincerely, and after anyone becomes your friend, you can develop the kind of friendship that human beings can have. A high level of friendship achieved. Therefore, there is a saying in "Yi Zhuan" that is very good: "If two people are of the same mind, their sharpness is as sharp as gold; if they speak of the same mind, they will stink like orchids." It says that if two people have the same mind and the same mind, they have the same spirit. If goals and ideals are to be fought together, their sharpness can cut through metal - the effect it creates (profit is utilitarian benefit, sharp sharpness) is as sharp as a knife and can cut off metal.

We used to hear the story of a dozen chopsticks. One chopstick will break immediately, but you can't break a dozen chopsticks. Why? Because they unite. The same goes for people. There are more than 7 billion living beings in the world, but you have a true friend. The two of you are of the same mind and can be as powerful as gold. And this beautiful situation can easily attract people with similar channels, or people with similar frequencies, magnetic fields, and auras to gather together. The fate of everyone coming together is very deep. Because I have been teaching for most of my life, I sometimes see a group of classmates develop a common understanding, mutual trust and expectations during the learning process. The relationship between them feels very beautiful to me. That's the case.

Words of one mind are as stinky as orchid. There are several people chatting together. If you pass by and listen to the content and tone of their chat, you will know whether they are in a good relationship or not. "It smells like orchids" means that its smell is as fragrant as orchids. So what does this mean? It shows that you don’t need to envy people in ancient times or people in foreign countries. There are people around you who can become your best friends. But this requires some thought on your part. It’s impossible to make friends that I only want to gain. In fact, making friends often involves the concept of sharing - sharing everything I have with you. But the scope of everything is very broad. That’s why we often say, “Friends have a financial relationship.” If you make money, you are willing to provide more.

I used to know a few friends who were particularly generous among their classmates and friends. Everyone makes the same amount of money, and they all work as professors, so he is very generous. So in the end, he was very popular and everyone was happy to associate with him. Of course, if his generosity becomes a habit, it will be difficult for him to choose good friends; because everyone is nice to him just because he is generous. In the end, it becomes, if you are in need one day, who will be as generous as you? This is difficult to examine and test.

Focus 5 of this issue: Make friends with discretion

So there is always some element of risk when making friends. This brings us to the fifth point, which is to be measured. There are two aspects to pay attention to in this measure.

First, people change.

The so-called word "will change" does not mean that people will become better or worse, but that people will become suitable or unsuitable (for interaction). At a certain stage, you are like this, and the friends you make are very suitable for you. But after a few years, you will continue to grow, and if your friend does not grow with you, then you will be two people. It was originally a concentric circle, but later it became two circles with an intersection inside, and finally they became separated. There is no intersection, that is, no intersection. It's very hard to be friends at this time, and when we talk, we become incoherent. In the first case, we met a close friend while drinking, but in the second case, we didn't talk to each other. This is possible. We all have similar experiences.

So when making friends, remember: be measured. Just because you interacted with him like this in the past does not mean that you will be like this for the rest of your life. Therefore, you must maintain a high degree of sensitivity at all times. This sensitivity is also a kind of respect, respecting others' space for growth, or respecting others' choices not to grow.

Second, you must be responsible for yourself. You are responsible for your own life. All friends have certain expectations and appreciation for you, but you are still responsible for your own life.

So we say that a friend is a mirror. Sometimes this mirror is not suitable, and he will naturally be unable to continue to communicate with him. Because you see your own situation from your friends, and your friends see their own situation from you. Therefore, the relationship between friends does not mean that they have to be like that. Two people become brothers and have to be like that for the rest of their lives. This kind of thing is imaginary or ideal. So everyone is ultimately responsible for their own lives. If you live a fulfilling and perfect life, all the friends you have interacted with will feel honored. On the contrary, you will end up in a predicament in your life. All the friends you have interacted with will feel that they may have some responsibilities and failed to fulfill their responsibilities at some stage, leading to you falling into the predicament you are in today.

So if you understand your friends from this perspective, it is an indispensable part of life. Because you come from your original family, you have parents, brothers and sisters, and you will have children of your own in the future. When you leave this family, the whole world and all people may become your friends under certain appropriate circumstances.

Summary

First, according to Confucius, three kinds of friends are beneficial: those who are sincere and upright, those who are considerate and trustworthy, and then those who are knowledgeable. Of course we hope to make such friends; but don’t forget that we ourselves should also ask ourselves to become friends worthy of others.

The second point is that there are four levels of friends. This one is relatively simple. All the way up from acquaintances of fair and meat, to acquaintances of interests, moral acquaintances, and acquaintances of life and death.

The third point is, when it comes to the fate of friends, we must make friends, cherish the fate, and let it go. There must be no reluctance, and no reluctance can lead to true friendship.

The fourth point is, don’t envy others. There may be friends around you who share the same goals and are as powerful as gold. It's just that friends can't rely on this opportunity. You have to keep working hard. So usually you have to give to others first, and then you can get appropriate rewards.

The fifth point is to be measured when making friends. Because on the one hand, people will grow and change. We allow ourselves to grow and we must respect the growth and choices of others. On the other hand, we must be responsible for ourselves. This is the most critical word in all life philosophies. . From knowing yourself to achieving yourself, friends are obviously an indispensable part.