Pan Suiming, a sexologist at Renmin University of China, once said that 2 1% of women in China are suffering from "asexual marriage", and asexual marriage has become the primary complaint about marriage in Google search.
What kind of marriage is asexual marriage? Sociologists say that if there is no physical illness or accident between husband and wife, but there is no tacit sexual life for more than a month, it is a asexual marriage.
Many times, the situation of asexual marriage is like this: living under the same roof, eating the same pot of rice and sleeping in the same bed (some couples have even started sleeping in separate beds). During the day, you talk about your plays and I play with my mobile phone, but there is no in-depth communication between them. Even if we talk, we just talk about some trivial things about life or children. There is no concern for each other in the conversation, and some couples keep themselves busy.
Sexologist Ma Xiaonian told the truth: The essence of asexual marriage is loveless marriage.
Nothing in the world is gained for nothing, and so is marriage. Many people choose marriage at first not because of love, but for one reason or another. But because they are young, both parties basically have sex in the first few years of marriage, and this is mostly because the hormone dopamine in the body is at work, and both men and women can arouse each other's sexual attraction, but after two or three years and seven years, they will not have this "natural" attraction, so a marriage without love cannot last long.
So how can we make love last?
In real life, when people have money, they will deposit it in the bank. But many people don't know that emotions also need a savings account. Only at the beginning, both sides put money into this emotional account, and they can only get it when they need it in old age.
What's in this emotional account?
What needs to be saved is respect, care, consideration, tolerance, appreciation, worship, attachment and so on.
Some people, husband and wife, have been saving money by one person, and the other person has been withdrawing money, and finally took all the money. Some couples use up all their money at home only by withdrawing money instead of saving it. Once there is no money in the "emotional account", the marriage is almost over.
Therefore, the first way to improve asexual marriage is to rebuild couples' emotional accounts and develop a good habit of saving money. Even if you spend money because of some quarrels and contradictions, don't worry about running out.
The second way to improve asexual marriage: love the person next to you. Men need to be worshipped and women need to be attached. As a symbol of men at the top of the food chain, men need to show their strength and strength all the time. The worship I am talking about here includes two parts. One is the spiritual recognition of men, that is, the recognition of his success as a social person. No matter his career, his job and his role as a husband and father, he should be affirmed, instead of always being picky and disdainful. A female friend told me that I really don't see any advantages in him. He is so terrible that I really can't worship him. I suggest that such a female friend ask your husband's relatives and friends and your children what kind of person they think your husband is and what advantages he has. These advantages may not directly benefit you, but they are in him. It's much more objective to say it from someone else's mouth
Even if they are really like you, they can't see any advantages of your husband, so please look again with a magnifying glass. You chose your husband. If you say that you chose him with your eyes closed, then I have nothing to say.
There is never a lack of beauty in life, but a lack of eyes to find beauty. When we begin to study psychology, I hope that when we look at others again, we will look at them from a positive perspective and discover a person's beautiful and positive qualities, because only when you are positive will things develop in a positive direction.
The second part of worship refers to physical worship. You can see that all males in nature will show their beauty as males to attract the opposite sex, such as pride like peacocks and the roar of orangutans. In some places, you can even see the worship of reproduction, that is, the sculpture of male genitals, which embodies human needs and worship of reproduction. Men and women have different physiological structures. Taking humans as an example, the number of sperm in normal adult males at one time is about 300-500 million, while women only ovulate one egg in normal menstrual cycle, and ovulate 400-500 eggs in a lifetime. Therefore, males compete for females in nature. From the point of view of same-sex competition, this reproductive part of men needs to be affirmed and recognized in order to gain psychological advantage in competition with other same-sex people and meet men's security needs. Otherwise, they will think they are not sexually attractive. Regarding this part, I want to emphasize that female compatriots should never attack or even belittle this part of your man intentionally or unintentionally in their usual words and deeds, because you are equivalent to completely crushing his narcissistic needs as a man. And this narcissism is what all men need. Not only can we not attack and belittle, but we should also praise and affirm in time.
Some couples are asexual marriages. In fact, it is not that they are unwilling, but that one of them lacks self-confidence, especially with the growth of age, so it is a psychological reason, so we should think more about how to rekindle the confidence of the other party. Even if the performance of both sides is not so satisfactory after trying, don't lose heart, let alone sigh, knowing that self-confidence can't be built in a day or two. If it is caused by physiological reasons, don't be afraid to see a doctor. Husband and wife should go to see a doctor together. The treatment and sexual happiness of this kind of treatment is also a lifetime thing. In marriage, love will nourish each other and make sexual life harmonious. On the other hand, having a harmonious sex life will nourish and love each other more.
There are many ways of sexual life, not all of which can give us great comfort through sexual intercourse, kissing and hugging. Besides, we can try something else. I believe there is nothing wrong with the world of two people, and a close relationship can really encourage each other to try more. Accepting each other and loving each other is the foundation.
The third way to improve asexual marriage: accept yourself. A female friend of mine once told me that I wear clothes mainly to look good for myself, not to make others feel good. So she will buy all kinds of clothes, try all kinds of different combinations, and her body is full of confidence and satisfaction for herself. After staying in a asexual marriage for a long time, you will gradually find yourself less and less confident in yourself and feel less and less attractive. This kind of life is like being covered with a layer of smog, and I can't see the direction and sunshine clearly. Life without self-confidence will be bleak. If after all the efforts, the other party in the marriage is still a dead pig who is not afraid of the heat, then you should wake up from this moment and learn to love yourself. The first step to love yourself is to tilt the focus of life from children and the elderly to yourself. Children have their own way to go, and the elderly only need your care and care. Everyone is responsible for himself, and too much demand is plunder. Sebrina starred in a movie called "I want to go to heaven", which tells the story that the heroine Sheng Nan suddenly found out ovarian cancer one day. It is said that after ovariectomy, she will never experience sexual pleasure again, so she hopes to find someone to have sex before surgery. But the men she met disappointed her one by one, either afraid or running away, and finally she reached orgasm through masturbation. This is a film that rarely reflects the rise of women's self-awareness in China. I suggest that female friends have time to look at it.
Sociologist Li Yinhe said: "In the public's cognition, it is always thought that men can like sex and women can't. Women's sexual pleasure has always been an inalienable right in China, so many women are proud of their low sexual desire and ashamed of liking sex. " Usually, women who take the initiative to talk about sex will be labeled as "sluts", which really oppresses and enslaves the whole female group.
Social and cultural diseases need social treatment. We will be inseparable for a while, but can we wake up?
No one can stop us from loving ourselves. Learn to love yourself, make more friends, make more friends of the opposite sex, cultivate your hobbies and seek your own value and significance, otherwise asexual marriage will drag you into the abyss.
Sex is always a woman's life.
Andre G. Marshall, a famous British sexologist, once said: Lack of sexual life will first hurt the feelings of both parties. If one spouse yearns for intimacy and the other refuses, it will easily bring psychological frustration to the other spouse.
Secondly, it will also have a certain impact on health. Long-term sexual inactivity may lead to premature aging of sexual organs and hormonal instability.
Asexual marriage actually exists for both men and women, because it is to answer a question represented by a female friend. Today, it is more discussed from the perspective of women, and it can be discussed from the perspective of men when there is an opportunity. Many male friends should also be very upset about their wives' indifference.
I think both men and women need to manage their marriage well and cultivate their feelings together. Learning and growth are the only way to get happiness. Our online school, which specializes in love psychology, has many popular practical courses suitable for couples and men and women in love, such as Love Psychology, Six People in One Bed, Sexual Psychology: Ways to Happiness in Sexual Life, Divorce Intervention and 36 Skills for Effective Communication between Couples.
To grow up is not to reason, but to apply what you have learned, to implement and to change. Many students have gained personal growth and greatly improved the relationship between husband and wife through one year's study in online schools. You are also welcome to join the professional college of marriage and love psychology to study and live happily, starting with your own marriage.
One person walks fast, and a group of people walk far. Finally, I wish all my friends can benefit from learning psychology!