Yaoyao’s parents divorced when she was 5 years old, and she was raised by her father. But her father had to go out to work, so Yaoyao lived at her grandparents' house since she was a child.

When she was 8 years old, Yaoyao's parents remarried one after another and each had a new family, so Yaoyao could only continue to live in her grandma's house. Fortunately, her grandma was very kind to her and gave her great emotional comfort.

Unfortunately, in high school, her grandfather and grandma passed away, and Yaoyao became a person again. She applied for an out-of-town university and was determined to leave that city completely.

In the blink of an eye, 10 years have passed. Yaoyao bought a house and a car in Shanghai, with an annual salary of hundreds of thousands, and became a "white-bone spirit" in the eyes of others.

However, she has always been alone and has never been in love.

She said to me: "I have no family for a long time. My birth was a mistake. My parents gave birth to me but then abandoned me. I live very lonely, like a piece of duckweed, a piece of duckweed. Duo Liuyun, it’s not that no opposite sex pursues me, it’s that I don’t believe in love at all.”

Do you have friends like Yaoyao by your side? < /p>

They have deep feelings of inferiority that are engraved in their bones, and feel that love, a "luxury product", is not suitable for people who are not valued;

They think they are loved by their parents. A child who was abandoned at school and has grown up alone these years;

I always feel that "no one wants me", "no one will truly love me", "no one will accept me"...

Then, they probably grew up in a dysfunctional family of origin!

02

As the famous American family therapist Satya said, a person is inextricably linked to his family of origin, and this link may affect his entire life. .

In my more than ten years of consulting career, I have met all kinds of visitors who entered the consulting room with different problems. However, in the process of helping them, our topics will always change. Unknowingly, we went to the same place - our original family.

The current troubles or problems that visitors encounter are more or less closely related to their family of origin and the way family members treat them;

Once the client is helped to realize the inner mechanism of this close connection, many problems will be solved.

So, what kind of parenting style can make us feel abandoned?

American psychologist Baumrind once proposed four different family parenting styles: authoritative, authoritarian, doting and neglectful, which will produce children with different personalities.

Among them, the neglectful parenting style is easy to raise children who feel "abandoned".

Neglectful parents lack the most basic attention to their children, lack emotional positive responses, and lack behavioral requirements and management, and are prone to showing bored and unwilling attitudes.

Some people may think that only those environments where left-behind children grow up are considered neglectful.

In fact, neglectful parenting is far more common than we think.

A survey of urban primary and secondary school students showed that as many as 38% of children believed that their parents were neglectful. It should be noted that these children all come from normal families and live with their parents day and night.

In other words, children are likely to feel abandoned whether they live with their parents or not.

Since neglectful parenting is so common, many parents may fall victim to it unconsciously.

So, we have summarized two characteristics of neglectful parents:

1. Parents do not care about their children.

No matter whether their children are right or wrong, parents will There is a lack of timely feedback because they are always busy doing "adults' own things", which may be working overtime, playing mahjong, or playing mobile games. In short, they just don't have the time or energy to pay attention to their children.

Their bored words and troublesome looks may make children feel that they are worthless and as low as dust.

2. Parents only respond selectively

If their children make material requests, such as buying toys, snacks, beautiful clothes, etc., neglectful parents may quickly agree;

However, if the child's request requires more time and energy from the parents, such as cultivating good habits, playing football with the child, tutoring homework, etc., neglectful parents would rather spend money to hire someone to solve the problem than rarely do it themselves. Finish.

There are some activities that parents really don’t know how to do;

There are also many activities that parents are too lazy to participate in.

04

It is conceivable that children who grow up in this kind of neglectful upbringing are more likely to feel abandoned and feel that they are "too much alive" and "I have always been lonely." "No one wants me."

Just like Su Mingyu, played by Yao Chen in the hit drama "Everything Is Fine" two years ago, although she has a successful career, her heart has been tortured by the trauma of her original family and is full of unwillingness and injustice.

Because when she encounters various difficulties in growing up, she can only choose to face them alone.

Fortunately, Su Mingyu is self-reliant and does not grow crooked.

However, there are still many children who grow up in neglectful families who will develop psychological and behavioral problems - rarely consider others, lack enthusiasm and care for others, have poor self-emotional control, and social problems. Insufficient communication skills and easy to attack others.

Even such children may resort to self-defeating, deliberately violating school rules, or even dropping out of school to gain their parents' short-term attention.

Even if they successfully complete their studies, they are prone to low self-esteem and difficulties in developing intimate relationships as adults.

No one can choose their parents and origin. When we were children, it was difficult to change the way our parents treated us. In the first dozen years of life, everyone passively adapted to their family of origin.

But as adults, when we have the ability to be independent, we must begin to face ourselves with scars, learn to actively adapt to the influence of our original family, and use self-education to promote self-growth.

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