01

It is very important to understand one thing about the original family, that is, if you want to see the truth, don't look at it with an idealistic color. ?Seeing with an idealized color may be your defense - you are afraid of seeing the reality, so you "idealize" the real things. ?For example, are the sacrifices your parents make for you love, or are they satisfying themselves? Judging this issue is actually very simple, just like saying it ten thousand times, true love is not reciprocated. Love between lovers also needs to be reciprocated, but we ideally feel that our parents' love for us does not need to be reciprocated. Their simple sacrifice and selfless dedication are just to let us live the best life. If that's the case, why do you feel so guilty about "unconditional love"? Why are you so afraid of disappointing your parents? Why do you feel like you can't say anything that would make your parents unhappy? Why do you blame yourself so much when you have feelings for your parents?

Therefore, in many native families, there is no real sacrifice and unconditional love among the perfectly dedicated parents.

If you can see this without idealization, you will no longer be overwhelmed by this kind of love, and you will no longer need to feel so much guilt, and you will no longer need to do anything to repay your kindness. Trying to live the way your parents want is good. The downside may be that you have to give up the illusion that you are loved unconditionally by them and that you are the absolute center of their world. ?So, you have completed the separation from your parents, then you can stay in the position of an "ordinary person" more openly and live your own life.

02

Maybe you have the following scene in your life: When you were a child, your family was poor, you were eating sweet apples, but your mother didn’t eat them, and she watched you eat them. At that time, you didn't know the word guilt. You only knew, "I want to listen to my mother, be a good child, and only do things that my mother likes. I want to make my mother happy, because my mother is so great." ?When you grow up, have a family, and even your children are very big, you can already buy apples in baskets, but you find that your mother still doesn’t eat them, and still lets you and your children eat first. At this time, you experience guilt, and you are tortured by this feeling. You find that you cannot express your disagreement with your mother, "Because my mother is so great, and I owe her."

You find that, You simply can't bear the slightest bit of disappointment from her. You often feel angry, but you don’t know where the anger comes from.

If you dare to see the truth, take another step forward. You will see that you are angry that you have to suppress your ego, "because of my guilt, because I owe her, I have to live the way she wants and cannot disappoint her";

< p> And every time you hope that your mother will stop controlling you, every time you instinctively jump out because your mother has exceeded your self-boundary, you are angry at yourself for being so cold and ungrateful, "Mom has done so much for me. , but I am actually impatient with her? "? What you see is the reality - your mother's behavior does not make you feel comfortable, but makes you unable to express yourself, tortured by guilt, and living as a "deficient" Here, I am always controlled by my mother.

And what did mother gain? What my mother lost was eating delicious apples, but she gained great psychological satisfaction -

I am a person with higher morals than you (I am nobler than everyone else) < /p>

I am the most hardworking person in this family (so I am very important)

I am a giver (so you owe me)

I never do anything for What do you ask for (so you must consciously meet my expectations, otherwise you will be too unreasonable)

……

Through such a wave of operations, as long as you insist on eating less, it is better If you insist on not eating or be the last to eat and eat the leftovers, you will be able to obtain the above "superior psychological resources" and bring you an "extremely good sense of self", and will also be able to ask for your obedience and control your behavior in the future. All these laid a solid foundation. ?And those words should be familiar to you.

"You eat too little, why don't you eat more?" "You really worry mom, how could you do this?" "Are you worthy of me for doing this? Mom has been reluctant to eat and wear clothes for so many years. Just so that you can have a good life!" "Why can't Mom say a few words to you? Is there anyone in this world who treats you better?"

Someone said to me, "I really feel sorry for you. No, I don’t know why I would explode whenever my parents spoke. I also yelled at them when we lived together, and then I felt extremely guilty and cursed myself in my heart for having no conscience and being a bad person. "< /p>

I said, "You exploded because you were angry. Not because you were bad. You are pretty good. Some people can't even explode. They have imposed a ban on themselves. You must not do this." Parents who sacrifice themselves are not good. They cannot have bad thoughts in their hearts, so they build a tomb in their hearts to bury those feelings about themselves that may make their parents unhappy, and bury those things they want but their parents don’t like. Choice can even be said to bury a life that parents don’t like and live only for their parents’ happiness. ”

03

Why blindly sacrificing parents without self will make a child live a happy life. Very uncomfortable?

Because this kind of relationship makes people uncomfortable.

But parents stay in the "I am the perfect parent" persona and don't want to know this. After all, if a person "knows" that I have made others uncomfortable, then he or she will no longer be able to use what he or she does as capital to obtain returns. This is a reality that most parents who bind their children with guilt cannot possibly realize. ?It’s very simple. For independent personalities, only an equal relationship can make each other feel free.

What is an equal relationship? If it is based on mathematical concepts, then in terms of giving, we give the same amount, and we get the same amount in the relationship. This is equality. We are like scales, we owe nothing. But this cannot be calculated in actual operation. Because the behaviors and quantitative standards of both parties are different.

So in real life, what is an equal and free relationship that does not create debt or guilt? ——Your contribution is your own choice, do not use it as a tool to control me, and do not ask for my compliance in return. Then the contribution you make "independently and cheerfully based on your preferences" will not make me your debtor in the relationship, then such a relationship is equal and free.

In such a relationship, we can maintain a sense of independence and integrity, and can maintain our own boundaries calmly. Now you can ask yourself, what kind of relationship is created by your parents' "unconditional love" for you?

04 Many people will find that if they dare to give up the idealization of "unconditional love" and discover, they will see that their parents have been unconsciously developing a relationship model from the beginning - — ＜Pay＞→＜Make you guilty＞→＜I can control you＞→＜You can never abandon me＞ Such a relationship. ?Sacrifice and dedication in the name of love will firmly tie you to your own world. For many parents who are weak and needy, have low self-esteem, and are extremely dependent on the affirmation and approval of others, it is their life-saving straw: only let The child owes himself a large debt, and this debt continues to increase. The stronger the child's inner sense of debt, the safer and more important he feels.

But the parents did not realize such a thing in their own consciousness.

However, there is a truth that all children understand, that is, if you say you love me and therefore want to pay for me, aren't you providing me with what I need? Aren't you the one who makes me happy the way I like it? Otherwise, what is your love to me? ?Parents who use guilt to control their children, of course, can never ask themselves the questions that a young child would raise doubts about. They will simply think that everything I give is my absolute love for you. Then this model can continue like this. ?I have a visitor who has been having this kind of trouble recently. When her parents live in her home, they will say some seemingly insignificant words to her, but in fact they are full of control. She said that even if her father just says to her, "Hurry up." "Let's go have dinner." "Please eat more." She would have intense emotions in her heart.

I think of the scene when she told me that when she was a child at home, her father, who was very unreasonable and strict, was sitting at the dinner table, and everyone was eating silently. I said to her, you are angry because the current life scenes are activating those scenes from your childhood. Under the cloak of your parents’ kindness to you, you are a child who is not allowed to have an ego. You must abide by all the rules set by your father. standards.

The reason you have so much anger is because you accumulated too much anger when you were a child and cannot express it.

She said, but now that I have expressed it, if I say a few words to him, I will feel extremely guilty and feel that I am bad and terrible. ?So, you see, parents don’t know that their hard work and dedication push their children into the position of debtors. This kind of "love" cannot reap the happiness of their children. What they reap is only a good feeling in their own hearts. The power to control your children with confidence. ?If you are also troubled by such a thing, you can read the following paragraph and tell it to yourself in your heart.

"Your parents are in your home. They build a world. In the world they build, they are two absolutely good people, sacrificers and givers, and then they do everything for you. Things, and then tell you that you don’t have to do anything.” “In this way, in the world they built, you are placed in an uncomfortable position, because this position is the recipient, the debtor, and the guilty. "They may have never realized how uncomfortable it is to live in such a feeling. It can be said that they built this world. In fact, the purpose is to make themselves comfortable, and they are sacrificing it. They feel pleasure and are the direct beneficiaries.”

Maybe you will ask, why do my parents do this? Why do we have to live in the persona of the sacrificer and the giver and the pitiful person?

Because, how can a person without self satisfy himself calmly? Many parents are like this. Because of their poor living environment and poor upbringing environment in the past, they did not receive much love and upbringing in their original families, coupled with the cultural influence of "I am for everyone" in the past few decades. , so they cannot really admit the concept of "I" at all, that is to say, "I cannot live for myself, and I cannot legitimately satisfy my own needs for me."

For them, these things that seem so natural now are not allowed.

Because when parents were children in the past, their needs were not well met, and they would probably be scolded and humiliated if they had needs, so "it would be very shameful for me to do something for myself."

So, "How do I achieve the purpose of maintaining my self?" As a result, it is pushed down to the subconscious. If I want to make myself feel better, I have to make a big detour. bend. In other words, what such parents are good at is controlling their children to satisfy themselves. Rather than living your own part directly.

Children, because they have been "unconditionally loved" by their parents, are bound to be eternally guilty.

Will never leave their parents (because they are afraid of being abandoned)

Will fulfill their parents’ wishes (satisfy themselves on their behalf)

Live up to what their parents expect (to compensate for the regret of the part they failed to live out)

So, after this wave of operations, your life has almost become a tool for your parents to satisfy their own shortcomings.

You do not belong to yourself.

They keep projecting guilt onto you, locking you in their hearts. Treat your life as a compensation for their life, and construct a plot in your life that they themselves failed to realize. In fact, they devour your life in the name of love.

This is why you are so angry, even if they just ask you to put on more clothes and eat more food. Because it is true that they have done a lot of other things, asked for a lot of other things, and obtained a lot of other things. However, if they are not aware of it, no one will see this reality.

05

Good parents will watch their children leave.

From the moment a child is born, you need to know that this life comes through you, but it does not belong to you.

This kind of love is called "unconditional love without asking for anything in return."

In this kind of love, parents can "see" what their children, as independent living individuals, want, instead of living in the feeling of love, satisfying their children on the surface, but actually satisfying themselves.

A mother whose son is in adolescence is a friend of mine, and I recently had such a conversation on WeChat.

This friend quit his job after his child was born and put his child first. Now his child has entered high school.

She sent me a message and said, "I think I need to let go of my child. In the past, my child was too close to me, and of course I also clung to him. Now that he is older, he should go out more. Meet people and make friends with them. I plan to tell him during the holidays, don’t stay at home and go out to play!”

I replied with something like this:

“And He said that he should go out to play more and make friends. This kind of power to push him out may not be enough. It is better for you to find the things you want to do most besides your children to build a relationship that is centered on you instead. A child-centered life, when you have your own life, can your children go out into the outside world calmly and without guilt."

If your parents are not able to build their own. Life cannot allow you to explore your world without any worries, so even if you feel guilty, start your journey.

After all, everyone has only one life. No matter what, this life should belong to you.

Summer Camp/Winter Camp - Baishizhou International Mayors Exchange Center, Nanshan District, Shenzhen - Oldman