But after the worst, with the emergence of the truth, while urging the marriage to disappear and be completely free, comrades are also faced with the dilemma of how to reconcile with their loved ones and how to get along with each other, and even fall into a deeper gap. The following is the story after they came out:
As Guy lives with his parents, it is common for him to be forced to get married. Especially in the Spring Festival every year, I feel very cautious and it is difficult to live. Avoid the care of relatives and the scolding of parents. Others can escape to big cities after the New Year, so I can only stay at home.
The most extreme example is the end of 20 16. In June of that year, my mother arranged a blind date for me. She plans to get married after the Spring Festival last year and have children at the end of the year. I think everything is arranged. From then on, I was going to tell them.
In order to minimize the pain in the process of coming out, I prepared for a long time and naively made a lot of "bedding": for example, when I was eating, I showed them the American drama Modern Family and let them get in touch with the stories of gay families in it. Later, I simply put "The Best Gay Wife" on and took my mother to a concert in May, because she always sang the song "Rainbow" and everyone sang it together, which could make her feel this.
But then I found that these so-called bedding didn't really have much effect. Even if they associate me with homosexuality, in their eyes, it is an "almost impossible" thing, and they will not further associate it and dare not imagine it. The atmosphere at home is still tense, so my relationship with my family can only get worse and worse, and I have never made it clear to them.
June 20 18 changed a job related to gay groups in Guangzhou. My parents asked me several times where I worked, and I was always prevaricated. Once I had no choice but to speak in the WeChat family group:
"I'm gay. I work in a gay relatives and friends association in Guangzhou. "
These are my exact words. There was no response that day. Two days later, my dad said that this choice made the family look down on it, humiliated the family and violated the national tradition. Two days later, he sent a screenshot. This screenshot is a picture of whether popular science homosexuality from Baidu is legal in China. It said that homosexuality has been decriminalized and morbid in China, but there are no corresponding laws and regulations on same-sex marriage.
After a while, another screenshot appeared in the group, saying that homosexuals are likely to be infected with AIDS. I will go back to protect myself in the future. After a while, another five-minute video came, saying that homosexuality leads to moral decay and so on.
In fact, in the face of such content sent by my parents, I really want to go back, but this kind of coming and going has no result. My final answer: whether you accept it or not, I am your child and I will love you forever. Since then, the topic of homosexuality in the group has gone away.
Unexpectedly, my mother blacked me out from WeChat.
I was scared. She didn't reply to the text messages or answer the phone. Until this year's Spring Festival, my father sent me a message asking me to care more about my mother, so I sent her a text message. She wrote back that she would travel to Vietnam next year and get a visa: "I don't care if I don't get a visa from you."
I heard that during that time, my mother cried at night and my father acted as an intermediary bridge to communicate. He said that after a while, my mother still often asked about my news and still read WeChat.
Being hacked by my mother still gave me a great influence. Later, when talking to her, she said that she couldn't figure it out and couldn't understand the existence of homosexuality. In June of 5438+00, I signed her up to participate in the activities of comrades and relatives in Guangzhou. She hesitated for a long time and finally came. During the activity, because of the communication with other parents, she gradually understood that homosexuality really cannot be changed and began to accept this reality slowly.
In coming out, I think the sooner the better. If I play with my friends in my twenties earlier and don't come home in the middle of the night and be questioned by my parents, they may understand me better, instead of being wary of whether I am bad at school. I wouldn't tell so many lies to cover it up, and I would have more time to accompany them, so there wouldn't be a painful process of urging marriage.
With coming out, my parents' life will also change. Fortunately, I just don't understand my mother for a while. Now, they can re-plan their previous lives, and I won't go through those pains and embarrassment again.
It's been half a year since I was kicked out of the house for coming out. Now that I think about it, everything happened suddenly.
Because my mother was ill, I moved back to my hometown in the north from Shanghai and found a job there. I live with my parents in order to take care of them conveniently and save money. However, what followed was all kinds of "exhortations" from parents: Do you have a girlfriend? When are you getting married? If you have someone you like, bring them back ... I have to deal with this for various reasons and have been using all kinds of busy work to refuse.
This problem has dragged on for a long time because there has been no progress. One night this year, my mother said that she would have a good talk with me. It felt very formal at that time. She asked me why I didn't want to fall in love and get married.
I actually don't know why I told her I was gay right away. At present, she doesn't understand and can't accept it. "If your father knows about this, he should be crazy."
So, it became a secret between my mother and me. During that time, I could feel the ambivalence that she wanted to talk to me, but she didn't know how to speak. In her opinion, homosexuality and drug abuse are the same.
In this way, half a year passed and everything was calm.
In July, my mother went on a trip. One night, my father suddenly seemed preoccupied. He said that my mother has been feeling "abnormal" recently. When decorating the house, she always looks very negative and says, "What else to decorate? It's not interesting at all. "
What should come will come, because there is no need to hide it, and there is no point in responding with lies. I'm really tired, but I still can't say. I remember staring at the coffee table in front of me under the dim fluorescent lamp and searching for the right words in my mind for a whole hour. "Lying in the trough, let me tell you."
I was very cautious at that time. I want to tell my dad the fact that homosexuals are born with no way to change, so as not to make them feel a little suspicious, and I don't want them to think that I am "not good at school" like this. I also care about my parents' mood and want to live a "normal" life, hoping to get their understanding.
After that, my dad's reaction was unexpectedly calm. He said he could understand. After chatting for three hours, he also went back to his room to sleep. I remember lying at the door, listening to any movement in the bedroom. He went to bed early that night and went to work normally after getting up early.
By this time, I really feel surprisingly lucky to finally come out, and the result is better than I expected. At that time, I made up my mind to honor my parents in the future, because my parents can accept this and understand me. Of course, I have to understand them more. After all, adults' social circles should be consistent with their neighbors. I want to live a life that makes them proud.
One day later, my mother came back from a business trip. My father and I drove to the airport to meet my mother. On the way back, those beautiful ideas were completely shattered.
"Don't you have anything to say to us? You put a bomb on us! Today, you have to tell me this clearly, you pervert ... "In the car, my dad suddenly lost control.
He said a lot of things that were hard for me to accept. Those words were ugly and harsh, and the worst words I can think of still reverberate in my mind until now. He even threatened to check my mobile phone. My mother thought what he said was reasonable and helped me.
On that day, we were going home to celebrate my cousin's admission to college, but this incident wiped out all the good feelings. At the dinner table, everyone seems friendly, but in fear, I can feel nervous and embarrassed.
After returning to China, the storm continued: "How many such people have you dated? What do you perverts do? Don't you feel sick? " A day ago, I was a family and understood each other. One day, I felt that I had drawn a clear line with them: they were "normal people" and I was "abnormal".
"You don't live at home, you go out to live, and I don't care about you anymore." Actually, I was lucky at that time. In a few days, I feel that my parents are relieved and want to open up. I feel particularly wronged and helpless.
However, the expected reconciliation did not happen.
It was the midsummer season in the north. I subconsciously put things into woven bags and found a single room on the Internet in a hurry. Carrying luggage back and forth in this once bustling city, there is a strange feeling that people are busy in front of them, and the whole city seems so strange and even indifferent. I was soaked with sweat in the hot sun and didn't even notice it. I moved everything out, and my mind went blank.
Looking back now, I don't know how I persisted at that time. My family swore at you, and I was helpless in the street. I think the whole world is against you. After moving home, I bought a bottle of Pulse at the entrance of the community and sat at the intersection of the community drinking and staring blankly. In a few days, things changed faster than expected. A few days ago, I was very happy with my family. Today, I was sitting in the street thinking about what to do. When packing, I feel unable to pick up even a pen or a book. The whole person seems to be in a deep well, like being sentenced to death, and the next second is the feeling of going to the execution ground.
The pressure and fatigue accumulated in my heart for decades have been replaced by new helplessness and despair at this moment.
I have had contact with girls, but I always have a respectful attitude towards girls I like, and I can't have sexual impulses. I feel confused in junior high school, but I just think the other person is cute.
That's when I knew I liked boys. Most people's adolescence is always full of impulsiveness and blindness, and I never hide my feelings. There was a boyfriend in the class at that time. I don't see him every day, so I feel something is missing. In class, I would secretly turn my head to look at him. It was not until someone told me how you often saw him that I knew that this hazy love had been quietly regarded as a foreign body by many people and saw it. But I didn't know it was gay, I just felt different from others.
When I went to high school, I confessed to the boy I liked. The other party told the other students about it, and it spread throughout the grade. In everyone's eyes, I became a "strange person" and my former good friend gradually left me. People are always bound by the environment. In collective life, you will subconsciously feel that you should be a silent person. This is a secret and should be hidden in your deepest heart. My "mental fatigue" started from this moment. Without friends to talk to, I feel lonely in my life. Physical education class, I may take the initiative to help others form a team, and I will take part in the performance alone. Even if I take part in extracurricular activities, such as practicing martial arts, there are rumors that I just want to "eat other people's bodies."
You can't escape being bullied in a small society every day. Good things and bad things will spread and have a great impact on your life. There is nothing you can do about other people's slander. When I went to college, I liked to make friends because I didn't tell my classmates about it, but I began to hide it from myself. Others fall in love, girls chase me, I have to find a way to decline. When my parents started asking me questions, I suppressed myself in turn. ......
Junior high school is ignorant, high school is suppressed by the environment, and college is suppressed by myself. This is the most youthful time to release vitality, and I feel that I have consumed the inner energy of my life.
By June+February, 65438, I had been out for half a year. Seriously, I don't complain and blame my parents, because I can understand their thoughts and reactions. Their generation has its own youth and life, and has its own life experience. It's just that everyone is used to living in their familiar world and moving forward according to the established life trajectory. In the face of the unknown, most people will choose to retreat, or even retreat, because we are all ordinary people.
I remember my father once said that if you encounter any difficulties, remember to tell your family that home is your last refuge and your family will understand you best. But when this happened, my family didn't stand with me in the end. Finally, my friends took me in, but my parents kicked me out. I understand that my parents have worked hard to save money to prepare a house and a car for me, but because of this, they may think that I am a "stock" that won't lose money, but at the critical moment, I dived high and plunged.
There is indeed a selfish side to family relationships. Many people may not realize this, just because this bottom line is hidden deep and difficult to detect.
Before I left home, I only had a salary of 2000 yuan a month. After I left home, I had nothing but rent every month. Those two months were hard. After that, I tried to avoid layoffs in the company. In order to make up for my income, I work part-time until one or two in the morning every day, and I have to endure that loneliness when I get home at night. Back to my place, I didn't want to turn on the light for a while. Lying in bed, looking at the lights passing through the ceiling in the street outside and the lights dying out on the opposite floor, I imagined that there might be a person hiding his inner secrets there ... Now I think about it, I don't know how I got through it.
In the past six months, I have kept in touch with my mother. At first, she wanted to send me some money and take the initiative to contact me. Later, because she was busy, I took the initiative to contact her, because I didn't want them to think that I was a cold-blooded animal. I also wanted to get mutual understanding and let them really understand what kind of person I am.
I am grateful for coming out and have never regretted it. Although it made me embarrassed and a little miserable, it also made me start my own way. For people in many circles, coming out is still a very rare thing. I hope my story can encourage those who don't understand and have difficulties when they come out, because everything will get better in the end.
I don't really want to go back to my hometown this Spring Festival, or show up at home on New Year's Eve and travel on the second day of the second year. I think the deadlock with my family will gradually get better. I hope they can see the suffering I went through when I came out. I hope my last words of courage can encourage them to accept me at last.
I came out before I came out. 20 13 years, because of some emotional disputes, my boyfriend told my mother that I was gay. "Being sober is gay." When my family asked me, I was frightened. I never thought this would happen to me so soon. I panicked. I deny it now, and told my mother that I would correct it myself.
The so-called "correction" is actually an excuse to delay time. Being gay was a time bomb at that time, a weapon that could be used as a handle to threaten you at any time.
I have been in contact with the gay community for a long time. At that time, as a volunteer, I participated in many activities and heard many stories of coming out. Almost most people's stories are sad, but many people feel more relaxed after coming out. I have also been encouraged by these things around me and am ready to come out to my mother.
I have been living with my mother and have a good relationship with her. It is natural to talk about homosexuality. Three years ago, in June 5438+10, I chatted with my mother. I remember it was just the two of us that night. We started talking when we were young, and finally the topic gradually shifted to homosexuality, so I confessed to her.
At that moment, the whole family was quiet. At this time, it is estimated that all the guesses and imaginations in her heart have come true, and she doesn't know how to accept it. She didn't speak at first.
That night, I could feel her heartache. Later, she said to me, "It's not a bad thing that you are gay, as long as you don't hurt girls."
Before, many homosexuals were actually worried that their parents could not accept it and felt that they could not bear the blow brought by this incident. But in fact, the incomprehension from family members will make it even more difficult for many parties who come out to bear the incomprehension, suspicion and even hatred from family members. In China, no one died or committed suicide because the parents who came out were angry. On the contrary, there are many children who commit suicide.
After coming out, my mother had communicated with many parents and gradually began to understand my position. I remember that time, I had a good time and had a very good relationship with my mother. My married friends, who still have 30 to 50 years of life, are acting almost every day, and the plot in the "script" is difficult to guarantee. I am very lucky.
Interview/Editor: Sebastian
Some interviewees were given aliases.
Some interviews were helped by the Gay Friends Association.
Copyright belongs to the original author.