key points:
-scientific divorce: 36 questions to make someone fall in love with themselves quickly
-Principle: Is there really a shortcut to love?
-Application: Establishment and Maintenance of Intimacy
In episode 16 of the eighth season of The Big Bang Theory, Sheldon and Penny conducted a psychological experiment that they were said to "fall in love with each other within a few hours". They answered 36 questions to each other in the experiment. After the experiment, although two people didn't fall in love with each other immediately, their relationship made a great leap.
In early 218, there was a domestic drama "Mr. Love". In the drama, Jin Dong, a "love consultant", used a method: the 36-question crash love method when helping others make suggestions to chase girls. It is said that even two strangers will fall in love with each other as long as they can answer these 36 questions together.
The 36 magical questions that have been repeatedly quoted in film and television works are not fiction, but come from the research of American psychologist Dr. Arthur Aron.
Arthur Aron conducted an experiment more than twenty years ago. He designed 36 questions, then asked the strangers who participated in the experiment to sit together in pairs, asked each other questions and answered these questions, and then stared at each other for 4 minutes.
After that, through the questionnaire, we learned about the intimacy of the participants, and conducted a follow-up survey.
the purpose of Dr. Arthur Aron's experiment was to cultivate students' sense of trust and intimacy, not to create romantic love.
The experimental results are surprising, and a considerable proportion of participants fall in love.
Dr. Arthur Aron recorded the course and conclusion of the research in the paper "The Generation of Interpersonal Intimacy: Experimental Procedures and Some Preliminary Findings". The experimental results show that:
This experiment came into public view later because the American writer Mandy Len Catron published an article in The New York Times about her experience of falling in love with a man she knew but didn't know. After that, this series of questions became popular on the Internet, known as "36 questions of falling in love with anyone".
What is the magic of these 36 questions, which can make people like a stranger quickly? Let's get to know each other.
the 36 questions are divided into three groups, from shallow to deep, step by step. For example:
In the first group, there is a question: "If you can get a quality or ability when you wake up tomorrow morning, what would you like?"
In the second group, there is a question: "Do you have something you have dreamed of doing for a long time? Why didn't you do it? "
In the third group, one question: "When was the last time you cried in front of others? When is it to cry alone? "
From these examples, we can see that these questions are not profound tests, but just some common topics involving hobbies, personal experiences, values and so on.
However, the questions in each group are more personal than those in the previous group. As the problem progresses, the information shared by two people becomes more and more private, and the feeling will become more and more intimate.
according to the "social infiltration theory" put forward by psychologists Irvin Altman and Dalmas Taylor,
self-disclosure is the core of the development of interpersonal relationships, and the higher the degree of self-exposure, the higher the level of intimacy between relationships.
Self-exposure is a concept in social psychology, which refers to a person spontaneously and consciously revealing his true and important information to another person, that is, sharing private information and truth about himself with the other person.
When people communicate with each other, proper self-exposure will help to close the distance between them.
For example, the speaker's proper self-exposure will increase the audience's trust and goodwill towards the speaker. (Observing the speeches of Lao Luo, Yu Minhong and other big bosses, you will find that they often tell some embarrassing things about themselves. )
In the process of dealing with customers, some people in the workplace often use self-exposure skills to communicate and enhance their feelings.
It is mentioned in Social Psychology that self-exposure is divided into four levels:
The first level is the most superficial, involving our interests, hobbies and so on;
the second layer is personal views and attitudes towards things;
The third layer is interpersonal relationship and self-evaluation, such as relationship with parents, parent-child relationship, and feelings of inferiority.
the fourth layer is the deepest layer, which mainly involves privacy that will not be easily revealed to others.
The design of these 36 questions is to guide both sides to expose themselves step by step.
So, most of the time, it's not that we can't meet the true love in life, but that we don't give each other a chance to get to know each other deeply.
After the publication of the p>36-question experiment, it aroused widespread concern in the media and the public. As Mandy Len Catron said, what people really want to confirm is:
Is there a shortcut to love?
At least, this experiment tells us that as long as we are honest enough and willing to share and communicate with each other, two people can quickly close the distance and have a chance to fall in love with each other.
These 36 questions are not so much shortcuts, but rather provide an opportunity for communication, so that people can be listened to, understood and paid attention to in a short time. Isn't that what most people want from love?
it may take only a few minutes to fall in love with someone, but maintaining an intimate relationship is a science.
after the establishment of intimate relationship, self-disclosure is still very important.
In the Japanese drama Quartet, Juan and Gansheng, a couple, hide their emotions from each other in their lives.
Gansheng actually doesn't like fried chicken with lemon juice made by his wife, but he never told her.
He was very concerned that Juan threw away his poems, but he didn't say anything.
He didn't tell Juan either. In fact, he hoped that she would continue to play the violin.
gan sheng feels that the volume with temperament and understanding of art that he once enjoyed has gone away from him. He made this judgment alone and silently, but never said anything.
Juan, too, feels embarrassed between herself and her husband, but dares not ask questions directly, so she can only ramble and enliven the atmosphere.
There are more and more trivial details in life, but two people have never expressed their demands positively. They seem to acquiesce in the setting of "it's no use talking" and endure it separately.
Later, Gansheng ran away from home ...
Have you found that many "old couples" who often quarrel in life are the closest and most stable?
Couples or couples who don't say anything usually seem calm, not necessarily because they get along harmoniously, but because they have digested their negative emotions. In the end, too much dissatisfaction accumulates, which may suddenly erupt at a certain moment like the dry life in the Quartet, leaving no room for recovery.
in all relationships, the most important thing is always communication.
if you already have a partner, you can recall when was the last time two people had a frank chat?
Perhaps many people find out unexpectedly that although two people usually meet every day, they are either busy with work, reading WeChat, or talking about children, mortgage, etc., and there is very little time for them to really belong to themselves.
Therefore, I suggest that friends who have partners also take a little time to talk with each other about the answers to these 36 questions.
let TA describe her perfect day. (Question 4: What would constitute a "perfect" day for you? )
let TA tell you, when was the last time you cried secretly? (Question 3: When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself? )
You may be surprised to find that there are so many parts of this person you know best that you don't know.
It turns out that there are so many details, which have been ignored in the days when I am overwhelmed.
These 36 questions are the Qixi gifts for everyone.
Finally, I send you the complete version of 36 questions, wishing you a beautiful love.
group 1
question 1:
given the choice of any one in the world, who would you want as a diner guest?
if anyone in the world had a choice, who would you like to invite to dinner?
question 2:
would you like to be famous? In what way?
do you want to be famous? In what way?
question 3:
before making a telephone call, do you ever hear what you are going to say? Why?
do you rehearse what you want to say before you make a phone call? Why?
question 4:
what would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
what would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
question 5:
when did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
when was the last time you sang to yourself? Singing to others?
question 6:
if you are able to live to the age of 9 and stay there the mind or body of a 3-year-old for the last 6 years of your life, which would you want?
if you can live to be 9 years old and keep your mind or body at 3 for the last 6 years of your life, which one do you want?
question 7:
do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
question 8:
name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
name three things that you and your partner seem to have in common.
question 9:
for what in your life do you feel most grateful?
what are you most grateful for in your life?
question 1:
if you can change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
if you could change anything while growing up, what would you like to change?
Question 11:
Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
Take four minutes and tell the other person your life story in as much detail as possible.
question 12:
if you can wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
if you could have any quality or ability when you wake up tomorrow, what would it be?
the second group
question 13:
if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
if a crystal ball can tell you the truth about yourself, your life, your future or any other facts, what do you want to know?
question 14:
is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
do you have something you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why didn't you do it?
question 15:
what is the greatest accommodation of your life?
what is your greatest achievement in life?
question 16:
what do you value most in a friendship?
what do you value most in friendship?
question 17:
what is your most treasured memory?
what is your most precious memory?
question 18:
what is your most terrible memory?
what is your worst memory?
question 19:
if you knew that in one year you would die abruptly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
if you know that you will die suddenly within one year,