At present, many parents are afraid of their adolescent children to varying degrees, and some are even nervous. Parents' reaction is normal, because adolescent children always yearn for maturity, miss childhood, pursue perfection and always have shortcomings, refuse to instill and are eager for help. Such ambivalence makes their behavior so absurd and boring to adults, but it is of great significance to children. Parents impose restrictions on their children because they don't understand them, which makes many contradictions and conflicts between parents and children escalate. Therefore, parents should understand the psychological characteristics and needs of adolescent children in order to educate them correctly.
First, the psychological characteristics of adolescent children
1. Self-awareness has undergone a qualitative change during this period. Adolescent children's experience and feelings of "self" are unprecedented. If children's understanding and evaluation of themselves are basically subject to the opinions of adults, then adolescent children are completely different. They have a strong interest in themselves and are keen to think about their strengths, weaknesses and characteristics ... They are very "narcissistic", and at the same time, they often exaggerate their shortcomings and are frustrated that they are not "perfect".
2. independence is enhanced. Adolescent children always want to be recognized and respected by others, want to get rid of the shackles of adults, and want to be independent, even though they can't be independent at all.
3. The change of feelings is very remarkable. They are both "sentimental" and "moody", which often makes our parents feel at a loss. The change of feelings is accompanied by the deepening of feelings. During this period, children have begun to produce and feel many subtle and complicated feelings.
4. The relationship with the adult world began to change. Adolescent children are no longer willing to obey their parents and teachers like "children" They want to get the same rights as adults, so they often stubbornly contradict their parents.
5. Germination of gender consciousness and deepening of gender role. Both boys and girls are very concerned about the perfection of their gender roles and the degree of acceptance and appreciation by others: handsome enough, beautiful enough, attractive enough, and so on. Everyone is eager to know the opposite sex, hope to get friendship from the opposite sex, and begin to look forward to love.
6. They are still very imperfect and immature in all aspects. It is impossible to be truly independent, to form a relatively stable personality, to have a mature emotional world, to be good at grasping true friendship, to be truly equal to adults, to lack rigorous thinking ability, and to have the conditions to really try love.
Second, the psychological needs of adolescent children
1, reasonable material demand.
Material needs are the eternal theme of life. After children enter adolescence, there is still demand for clothing, snacks, toys and stationery on the surface, but the real demand is quietly changing. Just entering adolescence, there are fewer children who pursue individuality, and more are asking themselves to follow the crowd. Conformity makes you feel safe and integrated into the circle of classmates, which is not obvious. With the growth of age, familiar with the surrounding environment, understanding the personality of classmates and friends, children began to show their personality and secretly compete in groups. This comparison is of positive significance. Children gain experience and find their place in the group. Don't be surprised if a girl refuses to wear pink clothes on the first day and insists on a pink scarf a year or two later. This is a requirement for children to grow up and become mature. Reject pink because you want to reject naivety, and accept pink to show your independence and maturity. At this time, the child is surprisingly disobedient in front of his parents. Boys want a pair of brand-name shoes today and come back tomorrow to tell their parents that XXX has a new mobile phone. The schoolbags of boys and girls are covered with photos of stars. Whose birthday is it today? Invite everyone to dinner? Many boys will learn to smoke and drink collectively. Girls learn to make up and dye their hair. In fact, they want to look like adults, flaunt themselves and show themselves in small groups through these ceremonies. Adults feel that they are trying to be brave.
2. The communication needs of friends.
Around puberty, junior high school life begins. Children seem to have entered a brand-new world, contacting new faces, new habits and new ways of learning. This is a visible change, and there is an invisible change, that is, the transfer of thoughts and emotions of children entering adolescence. Before puberty, children depend on their parents. When you enter adolescence, you begin to transfer to your friends, and then to your friends of the opposite sex. Finally, fix on the opposite sex, get married and have children, and enter a new cycle. This is the only way for human growth and an irresistible force. The children began to make friends. For friends, they can wait at the school gate, go shopping with classmates and go to Internet cafes. Because friends can stay at school to play basketball or even fight, they don't care about their parents' faces when they come home late, even if they are scolded by their parents. What makes children take risks? This is a question of children's psychological needs. Out of the family, children's horizons are broadened and their contact with society is broadened. It is no longer a way of behavior in which home and school are connected in a line. They will appear in places they have never been before and encounter problems they have never encountered. At this time, friends are the most direct helpers and can replace the support and help of parents. Children's thoughts are no longer simple, which even they can feel. Sometimes they think, sometimes they are worried, sometimes they are overjoyed. These feelings are not suitable for sharing with parents, because parents will be nervous and worried immediately, criticism and education are essential, and follow-up monitoring will follow. Therefore, parents are not the choice for children to talk about their hearts. The best and safest thing is friends around them. In this period, children often choose teachers as friends and let them share their joys and sorrows, because teachers are still sacred and credible in children's hearts. So, do children need parents in their hearts? Children need it from the bottom of their hearts, but what makes them shrink back is their parents' worry and distrust.
3. The demand for attention from the opposite sex.
When a child enters adolescence, there will be subtle changes in contact with the opposite sex. They began to pay attention to the opposite sex quietly. Attention often just stays on the outside. For example, girls pay attention to handsome and tall boys. The girls get together to comment and have some fresh and exciting feelings. Boys also pay attention to girls, and occasionally talk about some girls in a teasing way. Even if they have weak love, they know they are dreaming. Boys and girls will be stiff. This is just the primary learning stage for children to get out of the family circle and enter the society to know the opposite sex. As time goes by, children become more and more aware of what kind of opposite sex they like and want to get close to him or her. The initial form can be slapstick, simple question and answer, or work exchange with class activities as the theme. Many children can get to know the opposite sex through such simple communication. Many children know that this is not love, just classmates. They think that the beautiful love they expected has not arrived, so more people choose to wait and wait for themselves to grow up. There are children in love. These "loves" often begin with misunderstanding, pressure and loss of family ties. Xiao Ai is a chubby junior two girl. Recently, a little change has taken place in Xiao Ai. After careful observation, we finally found the clue. There is a boy beside Xiao Ai. His name is Fengfeng. When class is over, Fengfeng will sit in front of Xiao Ai, and the two of them will have a hot chat. I also invited them to have dinner together and go after school. So there was a "peach news" about the two of them in the class. Finally, one day the class teacher Zhang was alarmed and the teacher informed the parents of the two children about it. In fact, parents also found out. Every night, Xiao Ai and Feng Feng have to contact each other by phone. The talk time is more than one hour, and they have to contact each other three or four times a day on holidays. At first, my parents didn't take it seriously, but after a long time, no parents could be suspicious. Xiao Ai's parents asked Xiao Ai, and Xiao Ai said, "Don't think so complicated, we are good friends." Adolescence is a prelude to love, a prelude to love. It is inevitable for children to fall in love, and our parents want their children to be later. How can we do that?
4. Need help.
When a child enters adolescence, his personality becomes extroverted, easily exaggerated by things, and easily reckless. They are dealing with problems more and more independently, and the things they encounter are becoming more and more complicated. They are strange to the unknown world, full of curiosity, doubt and fear. They really wish they had bodyguards, "knowledgeable people" and "robot cats". Of course, it's good to have a lot of money in your pocket. And all this is gone, what should I do if I encounter problems? Children need help. In the interaction with classmates, many things make them feel very difficult. Children don't know how to deal with new classmates and teachers; Do not know how to control their emotions, and often have conflicts with teachers and classmates; Being criticized, I don't know what I did wrong, and how to communicate with the teacher. They need help. Children's activities are getting wider and wider, and many times they will encounter things that are unsatisfactory, wronged and bullied. It happened suddenly, and then it ended like that, leaving only chagrin, injustice and humiliation, but there was no chance to fight back and vent, and even no place to make sense. Like a dumb person eating coptis chinensis, there was unspeakable suffering. At this time, the child needs help. For example, during the exam, children must compete with their classmates in academic performance. Many times, they have to accept the criticism of adults and accept their fate. How did they improve their grades? They need help. Why do people live? Why do I have to face everything now? What if life is not satisfactory? What is the outlook on life? What is happiness? Where is the happiness I want? Children have a lot of puzzles, and I hope someone can help them clear the fog and uncover the mystery. They still need help.
Third, I know the physiological and psychological characteristics and psychological needs of adolescent children, so how can I get along better with adolescent children?
I think the most important thing is to find a way to have a good relationship with children. Dong Jinyu, an education expert, was born in an ordinary family in Inner Mongolia, with six brothers and sisters, five college students and three doctoral students. On the basis of summarizing the growth process of brothers and sisters, Dong Jinyu also investigated a large number of family education cases, and studied and summarized a set of "educational success", which caused great repercussions throughout the country. He believes: "The most important thing in education is parent-child relationship. There is a problem with the parent-child relationship, and the child must have a problem. " In 2003, Huang Yong of Pingyu County killed 17 boys, and Yang Xinhai of Luohe killed 67 people because of lovelorn for four years. Both of them had a tense parent-child relationship, without the warmth of family and abnormal psychology, and embarked on the road of crime. A good relationship is better than everything, and a good relationship is better than a lot of education. When we are good at getting along with children, children will treat us as friends and open their hearts to us. As long as children speak their true thoughts, there will be no problems that cannot be solved, and no terrible and more serious consequences can be avoided. Parents who teach their children success have a good parent-child relationship with their children.
To establish a good relationship with children, we must first learn to communicate with children.
Some parents said: My educational level is poor, I can't keep up with my children's footsteps and I won't communicate with them. In fact, I came to tell you that communication is very simple, that is, listening while talking and listening to the children as much as possible. Don't miss the opportunity to listen to children's voices, especially when they are happy, in trouble and sad. Parents should create a relaxed environment and a "listening atmosphere". It is unnatural for teenagers to sit down and chat. It is necessary to create a natural atmosphere and increase randomness and affinity. Learn the art of "parallel dialogue". When you are busy, pay attention to what children are doing and discuss with them. This is called parallel dialogue. Be a consultant, not a manager. Don't appear in front of children as an educator, don't express your position on anything in a hurry, and don't express your position immediately when you encounter an opinion that you don't agree with. When you are not satisfied with what your child has done, don't nag, complain, blame or beat and scold, but ask questions for your child to think about and allow him to keep his own opinions. Usually a child thinks he has the ability to solve problems by himself. Example: A child came back and told his mother that he would not go to school and how bad the teacher was. -) Write down what he wants to say when it is inconvenient for verbal communication. Some experts advise parents to write down what their children don't want to hear or refuse to accept. When you write down the truth and things, children may have unexpected effects when they read them over and over again.
Second, use praise to shorten the psychological distance.
Every child wants to be praised by his parents, and parents must not be stingy with their praise. Look at your child's report card, don't just stare at the subjects that didn't do well in the exam, look at the advantages first. The child didn't do well in math and did well in Chinese. It can be said: "I did well in the Chinese exam this time." At this time, the child will understand by himself, which means: "I didn't do well in math." But if you say, "What's the matter, you did so badly in the math exam!" " This will hurt children's self-confidence and is not conducive to parent-child communication.
Third, constantly encourage adolescent children.
Encouragement can well support these children who are in the challenging period of life, and appropriate encouragement is helpful to establish a healthy parent-child relationship. You can encourage your child by telling others that you are proud of your child-especially when he can hear you. Quietly put an encouraging note written by yourself on your desk or schoolbag. Encourage him with physical contact, especially when he is sad. Keep your eyes on him when you encourage him verbally.
Fourth, give the child a smiling face.
Adults like us have a lot of work pressure. After a day's work, they are really tired when they get home, and sometimes they don't want to talk. Even I can't help being a little extravagant. I'm annoyed and my face is a little ugly unconsciously. Therefore, remind yourself before entering the door: adjust your mentality and give your child a smiling face when he opens the door to meet you. This is very important. Letting your child see your smiling face actually relieves her psychological pressure and makes her feel that her parents are easy to get close to. In this way, she is less alert and resistant, and she is willing to talk to her parents if she has something to say. Children of this age have a desire to talk. I think we'd better be a serious listener, because it shows that you value him, and this kind of listening is a comfort to him. Otherwise, he will feel left out. What should I do if I am left out? Go outside and find someone who can comfort him. Why do some children make friends with bad teenagers and fall in love early? Of course, there are many reasons, but I think the fundamental one is the lack of family care and warmth. I hope my point of view is not extreme.
Fifth, exchange roles with children.
Think more from the perspective of children. Adolescent children have a strong sense of independence, and they don't want to be obedient as they were when they were children. What teachers and parents say is what they are. When our parents stand on the child's point of view and know that it is normal for the child to have "rebellious behavior", they will not be very angry, angry or even punish him. I thought to myself, wasn't it the same in those days? As long as you educate patiently, after this, children will grow up and get out of the confused adolescence smoothly.
Sixth, we should "woo" our children.
We should not only love our children, but more importantly, we should teach them to love us, and we should learn to ask for love. On the issue of "love", many parents only do their duty of "giving" and don't talk about "taking". At this time, the love of parents will depreciate, and children will feel that the love of parents is worthwhile. Ask children for love and let them learn to be grateful. In the past, parents had too low requirements for their children. Children will be very touched if they help themselves to pick up food at the dinner table. In fact, parents can ask more of their children. As the saying goes, "a smart mother will spoil a woman", so that children can feel the difficulties of their parents, and they can also ask more of their children, and children will naturally return more. Pay attention to children's demands on their parents. Let children know what their parents are doing every day and their hardships, and they will be considerate of their parents and empathize with you. Encourage children to do more work and enhance their sense of responsibility. Always say to boys, "It's different to have a son." Always say to girls: it's good to have a daughter! Let the children know that their parents need him, which is what I deeply feel. I just started to study family education, and I am very devoted. First, I like it, and then I think it is practical to learn, so I go to school on the computer all day. You see, I sleep late at night, and I have to go to work to do housework during the day. I am very tired ...)
Parents should not only have a good relationship with their children, but also pay attention to the existence of children, and parents should not quarrel; Give every child the same love; Mutual humility and understanding between parents; Parents should never lie to their children; Parents should welcome their children's friends to visit. Parents should try their best to answer the questions raised by their children; In front of children's friends, parents should not say their children's faults; Give your child personal space. Children don't want their parents to have complete control over their lives. Their room is very important. It is their own territory. They talk, eat and play here. Although there is a lot of noise, it is fun.
I want to say a word to all parents: let children love you and be willing to approach you; Not afraid of you, deliberately alienating you! When we embrace the child with unconditional love, the child's heart will be supported, and such support will become the soul treasure of life.
Let's become children's true friends and spend the stormy period of life with them.