First, the influence of family on a person.
1, story: two kinds of family education, two kinds of life
This is a story about two children and two fathers.
The first child is the top student in the class, but there are always several classmates ahead of him in every exam. He never takes the first place. "Dad, why can't I always surpass my former classmates?" The child has a sad face.
Father didn't answer, just took a piece of white paper, drew a long line on it and said, "Is there any way to make this long line shorter?" Give it a try! "The child racked his brains and thought of many ways to shorten the long queue, but the result was of no help. Father still didn't speak, just picked up a pen and drew a longer straight line under the long line. ...
"Oh, dad, I see! The best way to be better than others and surpass others is to try to make yourself better and better than others. " The child suddenly realized.
The second child is the monitor of the class. He always thinks about how to take the position of squadron leader as soon as possible, but it often backfires. The child anxiously asked his father what to do. The father didn't answer, but happily played checkers with the children. The boy's chess skill was by no means inferior to his father's, but he lost in the end. "Here's a trick. If you want to win in chess, it is not enough to bridge the gap in your own progress. You must also tear down someone else's bridge at a critical moment and make it difficult for him ... "
"Oh, dad, I see. The most effective way to surpass others is not how to bridge the gap for yourself and move forward as soon as possible. The most fundamental thing is to be good at preventing others from surpassing themselves. " The child is beginning to understand.
After many years, the two children have grown up and embarked on their respective posts. The first child was guided by his father's long-term theory. Wherever he goes, he is favored by the unit and has a successful career. The second child took his father's theory of "tearing down the bridge" as a lighthouse. As a result, not only did he fail to achieve fame, but no unit accepted such a villain.
Two kinds of family education have given children two different lives.
2. Case: A 9-year-old primary school student in Haikou, Hainan, speaks amazingly: to bomb the school, to kill the mother.
"If I had a bomb, I would blow up my school; If I had a knife, I would kill my mother. " Who would have thought that such shocking words actually came from a 9-year-old primary school student in Haikou.
According to the teacher, the 9-year-old child is introverted and doesn't like to communicate with others, but he has never seen anything particularly out of line. I didn't expect such a terrible idea in his heart. Later, I learned from my home visit that the mother of the child was afraid that her child would not study well, and often used scolding and nagging to correct her child's minor problems, which made her feel restricted and deprived of her freedom at home. The introverted child refused to communicate with others, and the long-term backlog of emotions made him hate his mother and school.
Because teenagers are most prone to "hostile period", most parents don't realize this special psychological period of their children, and just blindly blame and beat and scold disobedient children, which will easily lead to more serious consequences.
Family education has a profound influence on people's growth. If our parents don't attach importance to family education, they still have the wrong educational concept and use the wrong educational methods, which will have an immeasurable impact on children's mind and personality.
Second, there are several misunderstandings in family education.
(A) Ignore and expect too many misunderstandings (conceptual misunderstandings)
interaction
1, in the process of children's growth, do you think it is natural to educate children?
Do you want your children to surpass others or parents?
Besides developing intelligence, do you know any other family education that is more important for children's personality and survival?
Case: In the student train station square of Hankou Wushu School in Hubei Province, when the mother was 8 years old, she beat her mother violently and took her son to her side.
Xiao Wei, a boy of 16 years old in the case, asked his mother Zhou for 1 10,000 yuan on the grounds that his girlfriend was pregnant, because Xiao Wei often lied and cheated money, and 1 10,000 yuan was not a small sum, and his mother did not give it to him. After that, Serena ran to Henan alone. After his parents took him back, Serena stole his brother's 2000 yuan and bank card while others were not paying attention, and wanted to go to Zhengzhou by train. When his mother chased her son back at the railway station, Serena refused. Her mother slapped Serena twice, and Serena grabbed her by the neck and punched her. The whole process lasted about 5 minutes until the police on duty came to take them away. Serena still said angrily, "She should be dead!" " The police pulled Zhou up, and Zhou cried and asked the police: "Don't embarrass him, he is my son."
Faced with such children, many parents are both angry and helpless. "There are no cruel parents in the world, only cruel children", is this really an old saying? We learned from the side that shortly after Serena was born, Zhou sent her children to her grandmother's house to raise them. It was not until Serena was 8 years old that she took Serena back. "The old man has to take care of him in his life. He has no time and energy to work hard on education. He is busy with business and ignores the education of his children. " Zhou said Serena began to steal things and lie to her family when she was a teenager. In desperation, Zhou sent his son to a martial arts school near Shaolin Temple. However, to Zhou's surprise, Serena actually played truant eight times a semester in the martial arts school and often fought and made trouble, and no one could control him.
This is the neglect of family education, which makes parents miss the best opportunity to establish parent-child feelings with their children and educate them. There is a saying from family education experience: "If our parents miss their children's early education, they will make several or even dozens of efforts in future education." That's true.
Contrary to neglect, there is also a misunderstanding of family education, that is, parents' expectations are too cut. Recently, the China Youth Research Center released a comparative study report on the rights and interests of high school students in China, Japan, South Korea and the United States. The report shows that:
Senior high school students in China said that their parents usually care about their emotional changes, accounting for 31.9%; 44.5% care about their friends; 49.8% pay attention to living habits; 79. 1% people are worried about their health; 82. 1% pays attention to academic performance. More than 30% parents of high school students in China want their children to have a postgraduate degree.
According to the survey, about 40% parents in China don't know their children's school life, what their children are interested in, what their children are doing after school, and their good friends. High school students in the United States and South Korea think that parents praise and encourage more and criticize more; High school students in China and Japan think there is less praise and encouragement and less criticism. Japanese high school students chat with their parents the most frequently, accounting for 82%, while China high school students chat with their parents the least, accounting for only 54%. Moreover, high school students in China prefer to chat with friends of the opposite sex rather than their mothers.
It can be seen from these survey data that China's parents are most concerned about their children's grades and academic qualifications. And this high expectation for grades is not only reflected in the parents of high school students, but also in the parents of primary and secondary school children. Parents blindly keep up with the joneses, regard scores as life, value wisdom over morality, and value academic qualifications over ability, thus forming a vicious circle. This social concept affects parents' understanding, which in turn affects children's all-round development.
(2) Parents' education can't keep up with children's growth (method misunderstanding)
I sum this up as a misunderstanding of educational methods, which mainly includes simple methods, emotional parents, excessive use of family education taboos and unplanned education. Because there is a lot of content, here I only talk about the influence of a single method and parents' emotions on children.
In family education, many parents respond to the question, why are the educational methods proposed by educational experts not applicable to their children? Not every method is suitable for every child. Family education is like clothes made for children. We should tailor our clothes and teach students in accordance with their aptitude.
When communicating with a parent, he said, "I also listened to Mr. Isabella Chow's lecture. I know that the more advantages I talk about, the less disadvantages I talk about. I also pay attention to the advantages of children, even a little. For example, if one or two words in an article copied by a child are well written, I will tell him and write to him. For example, when he is doing his homework, I will tell him how many minutes his attention has improved compared with yesterday. But he doesn't seem to care much about this, praise doesn't matter, and criticism doesn't matter. " Then, I asked him, "Do you usually discipline, pay attention to and talk a lot to your children?" He said yes, when the child was in the first grade, it was mainly criticism. This is the crux of the problem. Parents have always given priority to criticism, and their children's shortcomings have not decreased, but have increased. When parents realize that there is something wrong with their education methods, they immediately make a change of 180 degrees. For an 8-year-old child, he can't accept his parents' changes and doesn't buy his parents' accounts. He will think in his heart, "How did Dad (Mom) become so fast?" I am also indifferent to my parents' praise.
Now let's think about it. Are the methods summarized by education experts not applicable, or are our children not applicable to these methods?
Due to employment pressure, complicated interpersonal communication, family conflicts and other reasons, people's emotions are often disturbed. A wise man once said that the two biggest weaknesses in human nature are anger and desire. Indeed, anger is the strongest and most influential of all negative emotions.
Yu Shiwei's daughter has been collecting jazz CDs since the fifth grade. She has collected a whole box. One day, she made a serious mistake. When Yu Shiwei was angry, she threw away a box of CDs from her daughter. Since then, her daughter has never listened to jazz or collected CDs. This result left Yu Shiwei with great pain and regret. He didn't think that the decision he made in emotion would affect his daughter's life. From then on, Yu Shiwei reminded himself that important decisions should not be influenced by emotions, and must stay up all night.
Self-check:
1. Have you passed on your bad feelings at work and at home to your children?
2. When you faced your child's poor exam results, did you beat and scold the child or tear up the paper? Do you realize what kind of influence this excessive behavior will bring to children?
Do you think it's normal to see your child lose his temper and feel depressed? How did you do that?
(3) What kind of children should we cultivate? (talent misunderstanding)
In real life, I found a phenomenon that many parents follow what other children learn as soon as they see it. I feel anxious to see that other children have learned so much. And this trend of following the trend is getting younger and younger. I often hear some parents chatting together. One asked, "What grade is your child?" "Third grade." "Did you learn the Olympics in the third grade? It's time to study. " It is in this interactive chat situation that many children are dragged by their parents to learn. What are the consequences? Have you really developed your intelligence as people say? Can everyone really get into the ideal middle school? On the contrary, under the trend of blindly learning this and that, more and more children are tired of learning before they wait for junior high school, and this phenomenon is getting younger and younger. Who caused this consequence? Are all the children?
Case:
Xu Lulu's father is a primary school principal. When he was young, he regretted "losing Beijing for further study". In order to make up for this regret from the only child, he decided to "be a child prodigy in our family". Under the painstaking training of his father, Xu Lulu completed all the courses of primary school for 6 years at the age of 7; Entering junior high school at the age of 8; /kloc-enter high school at the age of 0/0; 13 years old, admitted to the biology department of a comprehensive university in Nanjing with excellent results, becoming the youngest college student in the history of the school; /kloc-At the age of 0/7, Zhisheng was a graduate student majoring in bioengineering.
While Xu's father was delighted with his successful educational case, he didn't notice that he had extraordinary intelligence, but his living ability was very low. The most outstanding performance is that Xu Lulu doesn't know how to communicate with people around him. Once, the teacher pointed out the mistakes in her experimental operation. She refused to accept it and refuted it on the spot. In the middle of the night, she knocked on the teacher's door angrily and asked the teacher to apologize to her in front of the whole class. When I was a graduate student, my grades fell behind the list. Instead of trying to catch up, she often secretly throws her classmates' textbooks and notebooks into the trash can. ...
Growing up in deformed education, Xu Lulu didn't have a bosom friend. After two failed relationships, her spirit completely collapsed, so she set herself on fire in the dormitory and ended her life at the age of 18.
Have parents ever thought about what kind of children they want to raise?
(D) misunderstanding of love
Everyone has the heart to love his son. However, if parents care too much, protect too much, meet improperly, accommodate and deprive their children of their independence, in fact, our parents have already entered the misunderstanding of love, and these loves have become unprincipled love.
The authoritative education department conducted a follow-up survey on 10,000 families across the country. When asked if parents love their children, 1000% of parents said "love". When asked if children love their parents, only 22.3% of them answered "love". China's parents love their children too much, but don't know how to love them! Why do you love children so much that you can't stand it? Why does love become the pressure in children's hearts?
Case: The son was beaten and the mother hired a murderer (Harbin)
At the end of 2008, a vicious fight happened in an Internet cafe in Daoli District, Harbin. A middle school student was killed by his classmate's mother. The reason is that a middle school student was injured by a classmate. After his mother learned that, because she was eager to love her son, she did not call the police or find a school. Instead, she found a "revenge group" and brutally beat her son's classmates to death.
Nowadays, parents love their children too much to watch their children suffer any injustice or suffering. Some parents educate their children when they see their children being bullied in kindergartens or schools: "He hit you, why didn't you hit him?" If he hits you again, you hit him! "Some parents even blame and laugh at their children:" You are so stupid! "Parents educate their children in this way, but they don't give them psychological comfort, and they don't teach them how to correctly handle conflicts with friends and classmates.
Third, how to do a good job in family education
(1) Before educating children, let them receive education.
In ancient Greek mythology, there is a story of "the bed of Proclus Tess". Proklos titus, the notorious monster, used his bed to kill passers-by. At first, he seemed to be a kind master. He invited all passers-by to his home to relax his tired body. But when the guests fell asleep, he began to torture them. He requires that the figure of the guest must conform to the size of the bed. If the guest's legs or feet are on the edge of the bed, he will cut them off. When the guest was too short, he stretched the guest until he tortured him to death.
Now let's think back, when we educate our children, are we doing the same thing to them? If you are suffering from the confusion of educating children, please believe that at least in the beginning, it is not the child's fault. Many parents hurt their children intentionally or unintentionally in the name of love, and create their own "children" under the guise of responsibility, so that children are no longer like children, and even sacrifice their most precious childhood and parent-child relationship. When children let you down, who can blame?
So, what kind of children do you want to harvest, what kind of person do you want to be first. In fact, this is also the best example for our children. In real life, aggressive children can be said to have broken their parents' brains. Once, a parent came to me for consultation with great anxiety. She said that her daughter is four years old and very cute. Everyone loves her very much, but in kindergarten, this is a headache for teachers. He has a bad temper. When something goes wrong, he throws toys everywhere. When there is a conflict with children, I like to open my mouth and bite. Many parents look for teachers to find schools, but in desperation, schools look for parents to transfer their children. How can a good boy have so many "bad habits"? I asked the parent, "What's your temper?" The parent immediately began to check himself, because the father often went out to socialize and came back late, and the mother was very angry. She advised him not to listen and quarreled with her husband. Her best trick was to bite her husband.
Parents are their children's first teachers, and their words and deeds can easily influence their children. A child's eyes are like a small tape recorder. Parents' quarrels, unhappiness and biting will all be recorded in his mind by children, and then processed into his living resources.
(2) Teaching children to be human is more important than anything else.
The essence of traditional family education in China is to teach children to be human beings. The purpose of family education is "human education" first, and then "talent education" based on human education. I sum up "human education" into two main points. One is to become a healthy person. The second is to be a mentally healthy person.
Some people will ask, "Is it that simple to be a man?" My answer is "yes".
Physical health includes not only a healthy body, but also a vigorous spirit and various abilities to adapt to society. Mental health refers to perfect personality, strong will, normal intelligence and excellent emotional intelligence.
Speaking of which, I am reminded of an article I read in the Financial Times, the desperate education in China. How did our education in China come to a dead end? I am really angry. With this in mind, I began to read this article. There are some paragraphs like this:
"As a starting point, the university has become the end point. Relax and indulge. They should vent their repressed sexual desire for more than ten years and compensate themselves. Sex and employment dominate campus life, and the exploration of truth and wisdom has become so humble in the face of utilitarian goals. Sadly, perhaps many people never have the urge to seek knowledge, because they have long lost that instinct. "
"The days before college were terrible. Almost every school is similar to a concentration camp. The depressing atmosphere is something that children will never forget. That cruelty penetrated into the bone marrow. ..... The index of entering a higher school leads to teachers' psychological out of control and shifts the pressure to innocent students. Students under pressure and anxiety are like an active volcano, which will erupt at any time. "
After reading this article with anger, I fell into deep thinking. Do we see the shadow of deja vu? Learning should be a lifetime thing, but some children get tired of learning when they get to college, or even haven't arrived at college yet. Whose fault is this? How many young children ended their lives early? Whose fault is this? Let the children learn to be human first. The first condition of being a man is responsibility.
(C) to learn modern family education concepts and methods
"According to experience, I divide my parents into three types: the first one is both educated and responsible, and children are particularly easy to cultivate success; The second is that the children in this family have neither education nor responsibility, and there is also the possibility of success; The most terrible thing is the third kind of parents in between. They are uneducated but responsible. A large number of failed children are almost all made by such parents. " (Excerpted from Li Yueer's Who Took the Happiness of Children)
There are many parents who understand the theory of family education now, but few parents can really understand and persist in learning. The contradiction between reality and theory often leaves parents at a loss. Is there something wrong with the theory? No, it is lack of determination and confidence, lack of reflection and ability.
If parents want to master the correct concepts and methods of teaching their children in the shortest time, I recommend Gu Xiaoming's modern family education concept:
1, learn to learn from children;
2. Children are not your private property;
3. Educate children not to lose in family education first;
4. Education is incomplete without excellent family education;
5. The core of modern family education is educating people;
6. There are no children who can't teach well, only parents who don't know how to teach;
7. The emergence of problem children mainly stems from the problem parents;
8. Pay attention to parents' life growth and improve their own quality;
9. Learning to communicate on an equal footing is the cornerstone of the growth of two generations;
10, parenting education should be transformed into parenting education.
Bing Xin once said: "not every river can enter the sea, and those that don't flow will become dead lakes;" Not every seed can become a tree, and those that don't grow will become empty shells. "For everyone alive, they are unique. To be a qualified vegetable grower, we should first give the vegetable seedlings room to grow, and then appear in front of them when they need him. Grasping the proper balance between attention and letting go is the secret of vegetable growing and education.