Most prisoners in women's prisons are accused of fraud, illegal fund-raising and drug trafficking. Even here, "intentional homicide" is a very striking word.

In the evening, prisoners will have relatively free time after concentrated study. When others fetch water to chat, she always sits there in a daze, and sometimes unconsciously raises her arm and gathers it into a bow, just like a performer who has lost her accordion.

At that time, I was just an intern, and I often spoke rashly to prisoners.

"How old are you?" I asked her.

She looked up, and I saw a white face of Zhang Qing, with a wide eye distance, and a pinch of white hair trembling slightly in the hair nest with dandruff. She shook her head nervously, as if denying something.

"Twenty-two."

I was shocked. Prisoners always seem to happen, but there is not much difference between appearance and reality.

Master came and kicked me out. "She is a little delirious. She looks bored and taciturn, but she is particularly stubborn. "

"What did you do?"

"Intentional murder. She killed her child. "

one

Her name is Yin Yan. Before coming in, she fled from her hometown to work in the south. Her baby was three months old.

This is one of the most common southern towns. Shops on both sides of the road are brand-new and tacky, and camphor trees with arm thickness are not enough to appease the steaming heat on the ground. This trip is not easy for Yin Yan. She was holding her luggage nervously in both hands, and the retreating street view brought her a little novelty and more disappointment-different from the big city she imagined.

In a town 30 minutes away from downtown, the factory got off and turned into a rough and wet alley. Yin Yan saw a red banner posted at the door-"Jiangyin XX Textile Co., Ltd.".

She followed her fellow villagers into a small bald building. A greasy woman is sitting in the office on the second floor. After listening to Yin Yan's education and work experience, she hung two vertical lines between her eyebrows, but she was still asked to hand over her ID card to fill out the form.

"You can only do ordinary work."

The general worker is the most basic worker on the assembly line, and the minimum expectation of Yin Yan is office work. She unconsciously touched her belly through her pocket, knowing that she could not turn away.

The fellow villagers rolled up their sleeves and stood by, looking tired. A few weeks ago, she asked in the QQ group of junior high school, "The recruitment treatment in the factory is good. Does anyone want to come? " Half an hour later, Yin Yan's dialog box appeared at the bottom of the screen. Pulling a person to the factory will be rewarded with 100 yuan, otherwise she won't bring Yin Yan.

Social management stuffed Yin Yan with overalls and woven bags printed with corporate logo, and stared at her with triangular eyes. Yin Yan's heart kept shaking. After putting on work clothes, Yin Yan remembered that no one seemed to wear it in the office. She realized that this dress was a sign of inferiority.

two

The dormitory is less than 20 square meters with six beds. The only decoration on the wall is the unified "ten prohibitions". There was a dead green plant on the windowsill. Yin Yan got goose bumps and thought of Shen Zhifeng's home.

In every rural area, there are girls like Yin Yan, whose braids are higher than the parallel bars in the primary school playground and then enter the city, just like a grain of salt melted into the river. They haunt factories, restaurants, supermarkets and, fortunately, vocational schools and junior colleges. When they are old, they will go back to their hometown, have a blind date, get married and have children, and fulfill the mission entrusted by their families and society. Only a few of them can pierce the plastic ceiling above their heads and flow to a higher place.

Yin Yan hates this task.

She met Shen Zhifeng on dating software. He works in a mobile phone shop and has no outstanding advantages, except that he can be gentle and considerate.

The language in the countryside has always been rude. Even if parents treat their children, beating and cursing is the basic way of communication. Yin Yan was soon immersed in the sweetness of love. Even in the eyes of others, it's just eating and watching movies together. She clung to Shen Zhifeng, even though she endured his contempt and banter, even occasionally being rude, she felt that love was like this.

When her period didn't come, Yin Yan didn't take it seriously at first, and she was afraid to see the news of the girl's unexpected pregnancy. She put the small plastic cup on the ground, and the urine overflowed outside, regardless of the dirt. She watched the liquid seep up a little bit along the test paper, and her left hand pressed the pulse of her right hand.

Two red lines.

Shen Zhifeng sat on the sofa smoking a stuffy cigarette. Baidu gave many examples to tell her that it was no problem. She didn't listen, went to the hospital for examination and got pregnant.

Shen Zhifeng answered the phone, flashed his attitude, and then simply hung up. When Yin Yan returns, give her two thousand dollars and let you handle it yourself.

Her tearful body trembled, but the words from her mouth were cold and insipid.

"You come with me."

"We'll see. The store is busy these days. "

"Then you don't want to tube me. Give me ten thousand dollars. "

Shen Zhifeng jumped up, his eyes wide, and he raised his hand. Seeing the twitching smile on her face, she stopped again.

At that moment, Yin Yan felt that something in her body had been torn off.

Shen Zhifeng later promised to give her five thousand, three thousand in cash and two thousand dozen IOUs. Now Yin Yan can't remember where she left the IOUs. Then of course he disappeared.

Yin Yan is afraid to tell her parents that she is pregnant. In my hometown, everyone has something to do at night, and the dogs in the village know when they wake up the next day. My father is working outside, and my mother, a woman, can't afford such pointing fingers at all.

Yin Yan had to frantically search the Internet for information about abortion. The more she knew, the more frightened she became. In the dream, she lay on the cold operating table, took off her underwear, spread her legs and watched the doctor insert the hose into the meat. Every morning, she tells herself to go to the hospital, but she has no strength. The early pregnancy reaction is as dull as a cold. She can get through the day, comfort herself at night and go again tomorrow.

The longer it takes, the less real it is to go to the hospital.

When I was a child, my father was drunk and grabbed my mother's hair and hit the table. My mother huddled in the corner and Yin Yan shouted, "Get out!" !

Running away is the only way she knows to protect herself. She decided to leave her hometown to work in the south.

three

This factory produces autumn clothes and trousers. As soon as I entered the workshop, the smell of fluff was stuffy, and there were many heads buried behind the sewing machine. Nobody cares about the newcomers-it's common for workers to come in and out here.

The team leader asked Yin Yan to start with auxiliary workers. She sat on the bench behind the assembly line, and used the ironing machine to iron the rolled labels into individual ones, in groups of five, and marked them well. The heat engine is a metal box, which supports two metal bars the thickness of pencil lead, and the metal bars are equipped with heating wires. When the label touched the heating wire, it fell like a piece of paper money. If you exert too much force, the chemical fiber will burn and the pungent smoke will enter your eyes.

Repetition is the only content of work. After a few hours, people will be dull. When they touch the heating wire, a shiny bubble will burst out. In the first few days, when she returned to the dormitory at night, she didn't wash her face and let herself fall on the bed like a beach of dirty clothes.

Soon she got used to it, learned to behave seriously in front of the team leader like an old employee, and was lazy to go to the bathroom. Get up at 5: 30, have breakfast at 6: 30, go to work at 6: 30, 1 1: 00 for lunch, 12: 00 for work, 5: 30 for work, 6: 00 for dinner, 7: 00 for overtime, 9: 00 for work, and 9: 00 for work. It is like a long gear in the body, running automatically.

Yin Yan thinks this is also good, so she has no time to entertain foolish ideas.

Occasionally, she will quickly get up from her seat to go to the toilet. When people ask, she will say that she has a bad stomach. In the factory, any gossip will be chewed repeatedly. Ironically, for Yin Yan's bloated figure, everyone just thinks she is fat. Maybe it's because clothes are thick in winter, or maybe it's because everyone is talking about each other, but no one cares about each other.

Yin Yan often stares at the electronic version in a daze. She was hired by the factory because she concealed the fact that she was pregnant. In order to keep a secret, she subconsciously avoided contact with people. Occasionally, her hometown will come over, climb a few words of hometown dialect and ask her for money. She always gives everything she wants.

The male staff in the factory belong only to this department. As long as the figure of the opposite sex appears in the workshop, there will be crazy bees and butterflies to stick their eyes. They leaned against the sewing table and chatted with them with artificial smiles. Rumor has it that they are in love with several female workers at the same time. Yin Yan never wanted to talk to them. She looked down on men and women.

Sometimes she laughs at herself. You are like this. What else can you look down on others?

Parents can't use WeChat, and once in a while, she will get bored by making a phone call and saying a few words.

On the weekend when my roommate was away, Yin Yan lay on his back, leaning slightly, and the balloon filled with water slowly slid to one side. She dare not turn off the light. As soon as the light goes out, the water polo will rise into the endless darkness and fill her nose and mouth. She floated in it, feeling extremely scared and lonely.

In the evening, when others came back to the dormitory with pots of laughter, Yin rubbed into the bathroom and hid in the shower curtain. She has never been so resistant to taking a bath, only facing her deformed body makes her unable to escape anxiety. The root of the thigh is covered with shocking purple lines, which hurts when touched. The strong incandescent lamp hit the protruding abdomen, and the lamp, wall and abdomen reflected white light together, which made her dizzy. When others leave, she can hear small voices on the wall, ignore them, turn off the water and disappear again.

With bad ears or bad brains, the workmates all laughed together.

Once in line in the canteen, the people in the front row suddenly turned around. Yin Yan was taken aback, and her face chugged. I surf the internet in the afternoon, but for some reason, the team leader keeps looking here.

She thought that the child must be taken away.

Manual labor and rules and regulations can easily domesticate people. At that time, Yin Yan regarded work as the only life-saving straw, and survival was as harsh as physical stress. If she has a baby, I'm afraid gossip will cost her her job.

She doesn't want to hit the children here. The people's hospital is full of old people and old women who speak local dialects, and she is pushed out of the queue.

In this city, there are a large number of working girls like Yin Yan, but they don't gather into a certain force, but they just sell their labor in the form of dispersion. This city never openly discriminates against migrant workers. It just turns a blind eye to them. Yin Yan can only wander around it all the time, and it is difficult to integrate into it.

four

My mother was very happy at first when Yin Yan came back. A few days later, they had a cold war over trifles. Mother didn't graduate from junior high school. Yin Yan found it more difficult to communicate with her than when she was a child. She didn't understand why she was so pregnant, and her mother kept asking her why she came back.

She was annoyed and said that she would go to the county to find friends. No sooner had I got on the bus than my tears fell.

In the end, I still didn't tell my mother about the pregnancy.

In the hospital, the face of a female doctor is cold.

"What about the family?"

"I myself ..."

"The operation is very dangerous and must be accompanied." The doctor's eyes behind the metal-rimmed glasses are like a sharp knife, picking her from bottom to top.

Ironically, this is the result of her courage for months.

Yin Yan passed the street where Shen Zhifeng worked, and the former storefront became a tea shop under renovation.

To tell the truth, Yin Yan never wanted to go to him in the past, but at that moment she hated it, wanted to stab herself in the stomach with a knife and set fire to the street.

She returned to the south factory and never thought about it again. In the end, everything will work out. Let's do it step by step.

On the morning of 17, Yin Yan's stomach tightened and loosened. She thought it was a stomach cramp, called for leave and lay in the dormitory.

It hurts more and more. I put my hand into my clothes and felt my stomach as hard as an iron bowl.

She thought, this is not a stomach cramp.

She didn't dare or know who to turn to for help. She just tried her best to break the bed.

It hurts to lie down. She wants to stand up for a drink. She ran into it as soon as she got up. She squatted down to take a shit. Reach out and rub your stomach, it will burst, like pulling a cork, something will come out.

Taking off her pajamas, she saw it.

Wrinkled blue, spread out, paddling in the air like a frog. With his mouth wide open, it became a black well. There is also a translucent belt on her belly, which is connected to her lower body.

A hard, a pool as slippery as a pig's large intestine fell out.

He only opened one eye, but he had no white eyes. Yin Yan could feel him looking at her.

In her expectation, he must be bad, dead and even dismembered. And this thing in front of her doesn't even have as much blood as she thought.

There was a bug between his legs, and she suddenly thought of the feeling that it had entered her body.

He burst into tears.

It's over.

Yin Yan rushed up and gagged him with sanitary napkins. He's still moving. She covered him with pajamas, and after a while, he stopped moving.

She rolled him up in her pajamas, wrapped him in a quilt, and took out a woven bag from under the bed and stuffed it in.

Yin Yan stumbled downstairs, her feet stretched tightly, her back teeth rattled, and her lower body was cold and sweaty.

With his back to the door, Yin Yan ran to the garbage room in one breath, threw the bag into the innermost part, and picked up several express boxes and threw them on it.

Back to the dormitory, red and white things were dragged on the ground. Yin Yan vaguely thought, what is this? Then she woke up and began to clean.

Afterwards, she lay down. She just wants to sleep.

When I woke up, my roommates were all there.

"Why is it bloody?"

"I have my period."

Incredibly smooth.

Yin Yan looked at the Qing Wu mark left on her palm and suddenly missed her mother very much. Was it so painful when her mother gave birth to her?

When she got up, the next needle of blood came out, and she only felt pain.

She asked her roommate to buy sanitary napkins and ibuprofen for her. She thought, I am still young and I can succeed.

five

That day, the cleaning car returned to the sanitation office, and the woven bag discarded by Yin Yan caught the attention of sanitation workers. The sanitation workers opened it with the idea of leaking rain and found the body. After the police confirmed that the baby boy was killed by him, they followed the woven bag as a clue and found the factory in Yin Yan.

Yin Yan said it was an ordinary sunny day when the police came. When she was drying her underwear, she saw a police car and turned to joke that she was here to catch the boss.

When they came to see her, she was calm and didn't panic even during the months of pregnancy. Later, she did not defend herself in court.

"Maybe I feel a little guilty. I didn't know it was illegal to kill children at that time, but I got my freedom from a monster who had tortured me for so long. After leaving the team, my mother came to see me. I feel sorry and not worth it. "

Yin Yan suddenly raised his trance-like eyes and asked me, "If he is still alive, with no father and nothing, would it be better than death?"

I once asked the master why Yin Yan chose the worst way, not because she didn't have a chance.

The master told me the story of the traveler licking honey in the desert. "Because you are lucky, you don't despair and can't understand the fear of the weak."

I suddenly remembered Yin Yan's slightly arched arm, which was the appearance of a mother holding her child.

Yin Yan is the pen name in the article.