There are two kinds of friends, one is beneficial and the other is harmful.
Confucius once put forward three conditions of "being a good friend". The first is straight. Straight not only does not turn in the heart (integrity), but also does not turn in the mouth (frankness). Generally speaking, it is not difficult to be "decent", but it is more difficult to be "upright". It is very difficult to be able to see the shortcomings and mistakes of others, especially those who dare to be close to themselves (such as friends), and to be "straightforward". One of the difficulties is that it is difficult to say it because of human feelings; The second difficulty is that it is difficult to make up your mind because you are concerned about utilitarianism. It is difficult for someone to do such a "stupid thing" if it hurts others' face and is not good for themselves (it is not good for themselves). However, although the truth is ugly, it is out of "true love." Therefore, if you can get a "direct friend", it is really a great fortune in life.
secondly, forgive me. If a friend makes a mistake, he can "forgive"; It is not difficult to "forgive" yourself if you have done something sorry to yourself. However, it is not easy to really stand in the other person's position and put yourself in the other person's shoes. In particular, he did something that was universally acknowledged as "unkind and unjust", which directly hurt himself without apologizing, and he was able to "forgive" regardless of his own responsibility. That was really extremely difficult! It is not difficult for a person who values fame to be "straight" for the sake of fame; It is not difficult for a person who pursues real benefits to "bend" regardless of his reputation; It is almost impossible for a person to "trust" his friends regardless of fame and real benefits. But only such friends are true friends.
the third is "smell more". A well-read person is of course a "good friend". On the contrary, it is "damaging friends." "Bad friends" also has three characteristics. First, it is "not straight" because it looks upright, but it is all mandarin, rhetoric and social intercourse on the scene. On the surface, it is impeccable, but it is not just inside. Second, I only know how to please each other, even at the expense of echoing mistakes, "referring to a deer as a horse", being considerate and understanding on the surface, but not sincere in my heart, so I "don't forgive"; Third, boasting, not saying what you mean, being eloquent on the surface, but having no ink in your heart, of course, can't be counted as "smelling more." These three kinds of people are quite confusing, but they are actually the most harmful, so they are "friends."
Therefore, the way for a gentleman to make friends has the following principles:
The first is "being natural". Don't make friends (don't force others to make friends) and don't make friends (don't make friends with others casually). True friends are always available but not desirable. You can look for opportunities, but you can't create them. Rashness is even worse. "A bowl of wine at the turn of life and death" is cool, but it is actually unreliable.
the second is "super utility". Those who collude because of "profit" can't be called "friends", but only "cronies" This kind of people, because they are mercenary, are in cahoots when their interests are consistent; When it is unprofitable, it will be scattered; Once the interests conflict, they turn against each other and bite each other. Where can there be "friendship"? Only those who make friends because of "righteousness" can fight side by side for justice, and only then can they become "direct friends" if they are out of date and dare to speak out, or become "forgiving friends" because of their righteousness.
the third is "removing suspects". A friend's friendship depends on loyalty, and whenever there is doubt, there will be bad blood. Therefore, it is said that "knowing people is indispensable, suspicion is indispensable, and suspicion is indispensable." The hardest thing to do here is "a little suspicion can't be ignored." Because decent people are inevitably lofty or even lonely, they often boast that "there is no room for a grain of sand in their eyes." Of course, I am strict with myself, and I am not low on others (especially those who are considered "qualified" to make friends with myself), and I often think that it is just a "minimum" requirement. So, if you are dissatisfied, you will be charged with a big crime. You just want to have a positive relationship and a pure friendship. As a result, "there is no fish when the water is clear, and there is no disciple when people are inspected", and finally they can only isolate themselves. The real "friendship between gentlemen" should be based on the principle that "the big line does not care about the details, and the big gift does not hesitate to make small concessions", focusing on the big picture, being informal, and seeking common ground while reserving differences is the long-term solution.
the fourth is "tolerance". Tolerance is a two-way street. Be tolerant of your friends as well as yourself. You can't accuse others of negligence just because you can do it; You can't feel ashamed just because you can't do it. Gold is not enough, and people are not sages. Everyone, those who can do it, those who can't do it, there are always things that can and can't be done. Therefore, you don't have to be hard on others or yourself, so as not to lose the equality between friends.
the fifth is "courage". Whether you can "remove suspicion" and "be more tolerant" depends on whether you have "courage"; Whether there is "courage" or not depends entirely on "super-utility". In fact, because a gentleman values righteousness over profit, he is naturally open-minded because of his personal gains and losses. Because the villain values profit over righteousness, or is afraid that he can't get what he wants, or that he can't protect what he gets, or that he can't protect everything, he naturally haggles over every ounce and suffers from loss. This is called "An upright man is open and poised while a petty man is anxious and worried.". When dealing with people, a gentleman is frank, serene and Shu Tai, and never bullies the weak or bullies others. The villain is proud of himself, for fear of losing respect, and it is inevitable that he will be domineering and adamant. This is called "a gentleman is Thai but not arrogant, and a villain is arrogant but not Thai". In the same way, a gentleman seeking justice only needs to reflect on himself; The villain's pursuit of profit is bound to follow suit. This is called "a gentleman seeks himself, and a villain seeks others." Those who seek for themselves have no interest in each other, are stubborn and do not fight, and are not party-oriented, naturally indifferent and quiet; Those who ask for all kinds of people collude with each other and use each other, and it is indispensable to eat, drink, pander, say sweet words and give some petty profits. This is called "a friendship between gentlemen is as light as water, and a friendship between villains is as sweet as honey". Good friends and bad friends, isn't it the difference between a gentleman and a villain?