Title: Everyone has the power to pursue love and have love, but some people can only hold on to this little power and huddle in a dark corner.

Unspeakable love

"We are not monsters, we can also live well here"

In China and even in most countries, homosexuality is a The word is still a derogatory and even insulting word, and the homosexual group has always been viewed through colored glasses. They wanted to find an exit and tear off the demonized label, but they found that they could not break through this secular prison.

I first came into contact with the gay community in high school. At that time, homosexuality was not as common as it is now. I observed them with curiosity. One of them is a classmate with whom I have a very good relationship. He is happy every day and has no inhibitions about talking about his sexual orientation with his classmates and friends, but he never mentions it to his family. After that, I came into contact with some gay people. Some of them got along with each other in the name of good friends, while others held hands in front of others and never held back their hugs. Now I wanted to know more about this group, so I found my high school classmate and talked face to face with him about this group he belongs to.

It was two o'clock in the afternoon when Ah Chen came. I stood up and hugged him, only to realize that he was so thin. All I could feel was his hard bones. He sat down opposite me, twitched the corner of his mouth at me, and then looked at the ground. We haven't seen each other for three years. In my memory, although he was not tall, he had a well-proportioned figure and always looked lively and smart. During the class meeting, he performed for everyone. He tied a big red banner pulled from nowhere around his waist and danced the Jinghong dance from "The Legend of Zhen Huan" for us, making everyone applaud and cheer. Now, when I read his face, his cheeks were deeply sunken because he was too thin. His eye sockets were lined with bones, and his thin skin seemed to be broken by a poke. I was really afraid that a gust of wind outside the window would blow him away. fall.

Uneasy, not knowing whether this love is right or wrong

We sat quietly like this. After about five minutes, he raised his head and looked at me, with this in his eyes Age should not be bleak. He told his story intermittently, and it felt more like he was telling it to me than to himself.

"Actually, I didn't like the same sex from the beginning, nor did I change it gradually, but all at once. It must have been when I was in the second grade of junior high school, I suddenly didn't like or love girls. I started to like a senior who was one level above me. This feeling was very strange, as if a switch had been turned on. I didn't confess to him at the time, because I had a vague feeling that I was like this. I didn’t dare to express the problem, but I told my best friend, and I can’t forget the look he gave me after listening to it. It was so hurtful.” I asked him what that look was like. He told me it was like looking at someone covered in feces.

After speaking, he twitched the corner of his mouth and smiled bitterly.

Suppress your nature and try to be a normal person

From this moment on, Ah Chen began to hide himself. Very hard, very helpless, and very helpless. He had thought about telling his family about this, but he never plucked up the courage. He also didn't dare to talk about it with his friends anymore. He was afraid of seeing that look in his eyes again and being hurt again.

He thought he might be suffering from some kind of mental illness. After that, he began to force himself to like girls and said "I love you" to different girls, thinking that he really loved her as he said it. During that time, he had many girlfriends, but no one knew he was gay. Everyone thought he was a very emotionally unfocused person, and he also had a bad reputation. He said that after the switch was turned on, interacting with girls like a couple made him sick and made him feel guilty. During that time, he also understood that once the switch is turned on, it can never be turned off again.

Muster up the courage to break out of the prison and be yourself

The Ah Chen I saw in high school was completely different from the Ah Chen in the "Playboy" period. , at that time, he not only did not taboo anyone asking or talking about his sexual orientation, but he often asked his boyfriend, who was already working, to pick him up from school, and the two of them walked hand in hand in front of people. When faced with other people's pointing fingers, he would just roll his eyes in response.

I asked him what made him the person I knew him in high school. After asking this question, I saw a happy smile in his eyes, but it was only for an unnoticeable moment, and the light in his eyes dimmed immediately.

"It's love," he said. During the summer after graduating from junior high school, he met Xuan, the boy who always came to pick him up from school, on a dating website specifically for gays. After meeting Xuan, he felt that everything was no longer a problem. Xuan had always encouraged him to come out. He felt that as long as Xuan was around, he would have nothing to fear. It was also during that time that he learned that he was not sick and that there were so many people like him. He found a long-lost sense of belonging and at the same time found himself.

"I feel that I was not only confident at that time, but also had a kind of over-repressed catharsis and revenge. I wanted those who could not understand me or even hated me to watch me helplessly in front of them. Afraid." After saying this, he laughed, not knowing whether he was happy or self-deprecating. Because he was too public, his parents found out about it, and his mother cried all night. After his father slapped him hard on the face, he didn't say a word and kept smoking one cigarette after another. He told me that although he felt guilty when he saw his parents like that, he was relieved and he finally took this step.

Falling into despair, inescapable indifference and persecution

Now I can’t bear to look into his eyes. There are so many things in them that they cover up the bright starlight inside. , a warm look.

His voice was choked up and he started to tell me about his time in school. When he first arrived at college, he fell in love with a boy in his class. He approached the boy cautiously, and soon the two became good friends. After all kinds of temptations, he thought they were in love with each other. However, love can always deceive people's minds, and the boy fell into despair. escape. This incident caused quite a stir, with teachers talking, classmates becoming isolated, and roommates becoming defensive. Now he goes to class alone every day, eats alone, goes back to his dormitory alone, and endures everything silently.

Finally, I asked him how he communicated with his parents. "Command, force" After saying these two words, he looked at me steadily. I opened my mouth and didn't know what to say. His father believed that he was a disgrace to the family and told him that if he did not marry honestly in the future, he would sever the father-son relationship with him. However, his mother only felt tears and disappointment for him. "Then what's your decision?" I asked him. He didn't answer me, and returned to the same expression he had when he first saw me, looking at the ground, motionless.

Homosexuality is still considered a crime in about a third of the world's countries, and in seven countries, homosexuality is punishable by beheading. In China, the number of homosexuals is as high as 30 million, and 80% of them will choose to marry in private, and have no choice but to continue living in this way that hurts innocent people. Love comes in many different forms. Maybe we should try to understand and accept differences.