Author \ Manaxiong Consulting Psychologist
"In fact, I want to talk to you about my girlfriend today. After Allen told the story of Japanese tourism, the topic changed.
"I was thinking ten minutes ago, when are you going to cut to the chase and quarrel again? 」
"ah? How do you know? "Allen asked doubtfully.
"The number of times you quarrel is equal to the number of times you invite me to dinner! I would have guessed. For old friends who have known each other for a long time, it is natural not to be too polite to speak. " The last time she scolded you for being five minutes late and an hour late, the last time she fantasized that you were having an affair with a new colleague in the company. What happened this time? "I asked.
"Well, she is really nice to me at ordinary times, but she always wants to stick together and can't accept my interaction with other girls. The day before yesterday, she saw me taking a photo with a girl at the class reunion and insisted that I was riding a donkey to find a horse. First she called me dog blood, and then ... "
"Wait, she won't say she doesn't want to live, will she?" I interrupted Allen.
"Wow, you bugged me? 」
"Brother, I want to seriously advise you." I responded with a serious expression.
Allen's other half obviously has the attribute of "being sick and attractive" which is popular in the second dimension. Sometimes, we don't know the date very well, so we have an impulse with a lucky man. After spending more time together, I found something was wrong. You give a "weird" warning in your heart, but you can't tell what's going on.
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Because the other person is usually very clingy and dependent on you, and they are as happy as pink bubbles. The other person may not be marginal or even unpopular, but it is easy to get angry or want to monopolize you because of some trivial things. When quarreling, you are more nervous than local dramas, and you are sarcastic, personal attacks and, more seriously, hands-on.
If your date has the following characteristics, it may be one of the "sick lovers"!
First, it is a very free style: I treat you like a god at ordinary times and kill you when I get angry.
Most sick women are used to dualistic thinking, and they look at the world from the viewpoint of "black or white". In his mind, you are either the perfect angel (so you can't leave me, Jimmy) or the heinous devil (hum, it will only hurt my bad coffee).
The sick girl's mood changes quickly and violently, and it is easy to get angry because of small things and try her best to attack you. But I'll apologize or invite you later. I beg your forgiveness.
Second, it is really strict: persistence will betray one day.
Affected by past experience or trauma, sick lovers are often very insecure and think that the other party may leave this relationship at any time. Therefore, they are extremely possessive and would rather kill by mistake than let go of any trouble. In addition to mastering your whereabouts, friends, FB, and line passwords, they even hope that he is the only one around you, so that you can gradually move towards the edge of isolation and move towards his indispensable life.
Third, I don't think so: it's all your fault.
When you want to get rid of your sick lover, you will find yourself in a whirlpool. He will scold or cry for mercy, and even use "then I don't want to live" to keep you. You feel guilty and think you did it yourself. You should take full responsibility for this relationship. If you leave him, you will feel like a very bad person. So you can only choose to stay and enjoy the sweet contrast after peace, but you are worried that conflicts may break out at any time.
Being with a sick lover will blind others when you are happy, but quarreling after closing the door will make you exhausted. What can be done to make the relationship more stable?
1. Don't say whose fault it is, you are also responsible.
Don't rush to blame your sick lover, feelings are made up of two people. People who are easily attracted by diseases usually have the characteristics of "sacrifice and kindness", care about being "needed", get satisfaction by taking care of others, and prove that they are valuable (this is 87% similar to tool people)! When I am always used to kneeling on the ground and constantly paying, it naturally makes love out of balance.
2. Draw a clear line and don't be a good person.
When you get along with your sick lover, what you are most afraid of is "I will carry everything" and make a promise without considering your own ability. Later, when things are not as expected, it is easier to trigger the other side's fierce reaction. Please tell him clearly what you can't do and don't want to do, and be sure to express "this doesn't mean I'm leaving you" to avoid the other person's insecurity.
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3. The bystander is clear, let the professionals help together.
The sick lover doesn't mean to disturb you, but when we are in love, our emotions are naturally easily influenced by each other. At this time, we might as well ask the psychological doctor to provide assistance, so as not to be exhausted by ourselves and watch our feelings being worn away. The key is that we don't "throw" each other to a psychologist, but "accompany" each other to save love and work together for the future.
Don't label the sick jiao "morbid" yet. Our interpersonal relationships and love patterns are shaped by past experiences and can also be changed by new experiences. Come on!