People often ask me why I smoke so hard. I didn’t know how to answer her, so I had to sincerely look into her eyes and say with a smile, because I was worried because I had nowhere to vent. Then I watched her burst out laughing and advised me to smoke less, and I smiled in return. .

I also often ask myself why I smoke. The harm of tobacco to the human body has long been ingrained in my mind through thousands of written channels. I once hated second-hand smoke. Three generations of my family have never smoked tobacco. My father even chased me and beat me for smoking.

But I still insist on smoking a cigarette after dinner before writing.

I first started smoking in the sixth grade of elementary school. At that time, I was still a smart and good boy in the eyes of the teacher. As the child of a teacher, I unconsciously fell into two classes with my classmates. No one talked to me at all. We are sincere, others are just playing in a group, and when they see me, they are like hiding from the plague god.

How to join them, learn to speak dirty words, and smoke together with them. We were sitting in a row behind the teaching building. Someone took out a pack of cigarettes and spread them around. The smoke was thick, and cigarette butts were everywhere in the middle of the class. At that time, I didn’t know what cigarettes meant or their harmful effects. They were just my way of making friends. I even thought smoking was cool. I just felt that by disguising myself as a bad boy, I was joining their circle, which also made me My own nature is ethereal.

Several ten-year-old children sat together, each holding a cigarette, and learning from each other how to make beautiful eye circles. They were extremely happy in the weed-covered area.

What did it feel like to smoke at that time? I didn’t feel anything. I just felt my throat was itchy, so I had to chew some gum before going home. Later, Baidu found that chewing paper towels was more effective to prevent my parents from smelling it. To me, cigarettes at that time were a means of socializing, a way for children to pretend to be cool, and they were also a stepping stone for me to venture into the world for the first time. I gained a group of friends who I still keep in touch with ten years ago. We would sit together and smoke skewers, blowing smoke rings at each other like we used to do, clasping hands and laughing.

Later in my adolescence, there was almost no tobacco. My family was strict, my school was strict, and I was busy studying, so I had no chance to smoke. Besides, smoking is just a toy to me. After the novelty wears off, there is no craving for it. When I was a child, I smoked mostly because I had no friends. But when I arrived at the new school and made a group of friends who were serious and did not break the rules, smoking became a distant thing for me.

Occasionally I would have one. I just remember that after a mock test in the third grade of junior high school, I handed in the paper in advance and was walking on the empty playground. I suddenly wanted to smoke, but I didn’t have any in my hand. What should I do? Then I remembered that I was not a well-behaved child, so I jumped over the wall and rushed out to buy a pack of cigarettes. I sat on the side of the road and started smoking. I looked around and a few cigarettes entered my lungs. My whole body was so clear that I couldn't help but lie on the ground and look at the sky.

Later on, I would smoke intermittently. I would go to the toilet to smoke one before the exam, smoke one when I was bored, smoke one when playing games, have one when I was drunk and take one from others. cigarette. But I still don’t have a so-called addiction to cigarettes. When I feel depressed, I can take one pack a day, or I can stop smoking for a month. For me at that time, smoking was more like a flavoring agent, something I did occasionally but never a need.

When it really became a need, I was in my senior year of high school. I refused countless cigarettes from my friends in my senior year. I originally thought it was a good start for myself, but I never thought about it. I will spend the past few years like this. The frivolous impulses and bloody stories of youth can be made into a youth movie with ups and downs. I have thought about a lot of things, done a lot of useless work, and lost a lot of things. Countless years have been wasted between gains and losses. Eat three meals a day, occasionally read a book, occasionally turn on the computer to write a few words, or play classic stand-alone games powered by simple computers. Instead of studying at night every day, I went to the Internet cafe a hundred meters away from the school to hang out with my friends and play games. I drank bottles of Yimai beer with my friends, watched episodes of dramas, and the teacher talked about Lu Xun and ancient literature. The daily routine and lack of progress made me feel at a loss. After I got the self-recruitment qualification of Tsinghua University and was admitted with a 100-point reduction, I was still wasting my time. When I scored 400 points in the mock test, I knew that I was just a mortal. , but I seem to have really become a mortal.

So one night when I was playing games in an Internet cafe, I started smoking.

After spending two years doing nothing after my senior year in high school, I came to college to escape the urging of my parents. My roommate often advises me that if I smoke like this, you will die. I smiled frivolously and said, it doesn't matter, I don't want to live too long.

Some people say that 90% of college students smoke just to show off and attract other people’s attention. I am not convinced. I have indeed met many people who smoke in front of girls and pretend to have stories. I would like to ask the girl if she has any. Boys who drink alcohol do not know that girls hate smelly men who smell like cigarettes and have a very bad first impression. Non-smokers also hate second-hand smoke. I understand the truth, but why do I smoke? I don’t know, maybe the growing smoke is really just a nostalgia for some lost things, or maybe it’s a compromise with the wasted years and beginning to accept the increasingly ordinary self. My very profound high school teacher, a man who can be said to be a rare talent, said: "A man who has never smoked is indeed a certain kind of flaw in life." I did not express my opinion, but I had to deny it. He said Part of the truth.

Mr. Mu Xin said: "Wine makes people calm, and cigarettes make people extraordinary." The old man smokes all year round, and he thinks that the nicotine in cigarettes can help literary inspiration. It is true that most rock and hip-hop players in China smoke. Folk singers like Li Zhi and Song Dongye also smoke one after another during concerts. Song Dongye smokes Lanzhou and Li Zhi smokes Hongmei. Smoking is almost a standard part of doing art. We have to admit that nicotine does have a great regulating effect on mood and is also conducive to a peaceful mind. Artists, however, are full of ideas, so they have no choice but to use cigarettes as a guide to let their inspiration find its way.

Smoking is metaphysical happiness. Cigarettes are physical. You hold a lighter, block the wind with your hands, light the cigarette butt, sparks are everywhere, the smoke enters the mouth and nose, circulates, is polished in the body, and curls out, the cigarette becomes metaphysical.

I often stop playing games late at night, or close the book, get up, lean on the balcony and look up at the occasional stars and empty sky, or get up and sneak out carefully. Go for a walk, light a cigarette, let the wind accompany me, distant thoughts drift away from my mind along with the smoke, go home, lie down, and have a good night's sleep. Browsing the news on Weibo on Zhihu and encountering injustices stirs up indignation, and it is difficult to calm down, but there is nothing you can do about it. Even if you smoke a cigarette, you can accept the reality. I usually write out of memory. I miss the mood and traces of a certain time, or it is a lost person who can never be found again, so when I write, I usually smoke cigarettes constantly, with a flood of beasts and waves in my chest, and tears are about to burst out of the frame, and the smoke It can make the air in my chest flow smoothly and unobstructed, and then it can be transformed into words at the tip of my pen. I smoke mainly to change my state of mind. It is not the sudden bliss after a drug addict gets high, nor is it the forgetfulness and madness after being drunk. Smoking to me is like the first sight of sunshine when I step out of the door after recovering from a serious illness. The metaphysical contained in the metaphysical.

I understand that smoking harms the body and shortens life span. But smoking makes me forget my worries, or in other words, makes me happy. Fortunately, in the long, irritating and boring life, I can temporarily forget the regrets of being powerless and human, so I chose the latter. I don’t need to live long, but I want to be in the same state of mind and see more and higher scenery. Smoking makes me feel less sad, so I never thought about quitting smoking. Smoking will cause inconvenience to others, so I try not to smoke in places where there are people, and try not to disturb others when I am enjoying myself, because I don’t want others to bear the cost of my happiness.

I think of a line from Hot Dog Lyrics

"Give me a cigarette, puff away the mist, if all the mistakes, troubles, and fatigue can pass by like clouds of smoke."