The reason why many parents want to have a second child is that they are afraid that the child will be lonely, and they want to give the child a younger sibling to keep him company. When parents see their children playing alone away from other children, we are always afraid that the child is being bullied, excluded, or that the child is unsociable and cannot communicate with peers.

Parents always hope to see their children blend in and play happily with their friends. Only when parents see such a lively scene will they be reassured. But do children really want to mix in the crowd sometimes?

If your child doesn’t want to join everyone in playing games, is he “unsociable”? The truth of the matter is: of course not. Being unsociable is not a fault. What parents need to understand is why they are unsociable. Is there a secret behind being unsociable, or does the child just like to play alone?

If you force your children to join the crowd against their will just for the sake of joining the group, it is very likely that the children will lose themselves. The process of cultivating children's interpersonal skills takes time, and the rules of children's growth and development should be seen and followed by parents.

When I took my little one to play in the garden downstairs this afternoon, I happened to meet a mother and daughter from my neighbor's house. At first, the mother saw her daughter squatting on the edge of the flower bed and counting ants. She felt quite lonely, so she asked her to go over and join a group of children playing games. The little girl walked over obediently, but she only dared to stand aside. After being able to blend in, the little girl ran back to the flower bed to count ants after a minute.

Her mother was very angry. She felt that her daughter might not be brave and coy, so she scolded the little girl. The little girl said pitifully: Mom, I don’t want to go over and play with them. , I just want to see ants here.

The child’s mother realized that she had gone too far just now. She happened to see me and came over to tell me: Her daughter’s communication skills are too poor and she is not gregarious at all.

Her daughter is not very good at getting into crowds. She huddles in a corner alone, taciturn and submissive. If this continues, she is very worried that her daughter will not be able to make any friends and may be picked on by other children. Isolation becomes more difficult as you grow older. What should you do in the future?

Although there is some truth to the worry about living in a foreign country, children’s interpersonal communication skills are indeed very important. Playing games with children of the same age, learning to communicate together, and making friends with other children are indeed exercises for children’s interpersonal communication. A good way to do that.

However, whether a child likes excitement, whether he is willing to make friends, and whether he plays alone or with everyone is determined by the child's personality. Some children are outgoing and lively, while others are introverted and shy. Each child has his or her own personality, which is normal.

The reason why a child would rather lie beside the flower bed and count ants is because the child wants to do it. He is happy when he is doing this and cannot be interrupted just because parents may think it is childish. he. Mr. Shen Fu of the Qing Dynasty could write in the article "Children's Fun":

This "Children's Fun" profoundly expresses the happiness of playing alone and observing mosquitoes as a child, and only in this way. It takes careful observation to write such vivid words.

Therefore, if a child has his or her own independent thoughts, don’t overly interfere and criticize. Children like to be alone and entertaining themselves alone is not a wrong thing. Children are willing to play with other children or not. Children are willing to join them, no matter which one they choose, it is just a way of life chosen by the children. We have no right to define right and wrong.

If parents clearly violate their children’s wishes to be left alone and force them into a crowd of people so that they can make friends and integrate into the group, then in order to satisfy their parents’ wishes, the children may give up on themselves and force them to Integrate into the group.

The attitude of parents makes children understand that only integrating with the children and playing with them is normal and correct. Children are forced into a group of children without any psychological construction. Without communication skills, they first lack a sense of security. In order to find a sense of security, they have to integrate into the children regardless of their ideas.

As Pang Le said:

They dare not raise objections and use humiliation to respond to any request of each child in exchange for him not being abandoned by the group. Once his companions If you leave him, you will lose your sense of security and become a "pleasant personality". You must take care of the emotions and feelings of all the children you play with, and humbly seek everyone's love and recognition, so that no one will get angry and leave him casually. .

At the same time, in order to have the same topic with everyone, the child will selectively imitate other children, and their clothes and hobbies will be assimilated. Over time, from small things to big things, children gradually lose their own opinions and become only able to agree with others, and their judgment ability also decreases.

"The Crowd" said:

In joining the group for the sake of joining the group, children lose their own opinions and lose everything in the seemingly happy and gregarious bubble.

1. Follow the natural laws of children’s growth

Human physical and mental development is completed gradually according to laws, and every child’s psychological development process will have certain stages. Each child's psychological growth rate and individual development patterns are different.

Some children like to be alone and enjoy the loneliness when they are alone. Counting ants, counting stars, watching small bugs squirming, and looking at the texture of flowers, plants and trees are all normal manifestations of children’s psychological state at this time. Parents should not worry too much.

Parents should avoid judging their children's psychological development speed based on their physical development speed. It is possible that the child's height will jump very quickly, and the child's psychology has not yet reached the stage where active social interaction is needed, so parents We must observe the child's psychological development at any time.

What's more, some children have introverted personality genes in their genes. They don't like to join in the fun and like to think independently and quietly. There are hundreds of different flowers, so parents should not force their children to be overly gregarious. .

2. Refuse to label children as “unsociable”

Some parents prefer to tell others or in front of their own children that they don’t like to play with other children. : My child is not gregarious, taciturn and lacks energy, has no friends, and is not popular... If the child listens too much, the psychological pressure will increase. Even if he wants to find friends to play, he has to hesitate for a long time. As a result, the lie becomes true, and the child becomes more and more depressed. He became less and less willing to play with others, refused to communicate, and fell into isolation. Gradually, he became more and more introverted, his self-confidence collapsed, and his vitality was lost.

Whether to be "social" or "not gregarious" is a choice, and children have the right to choose. If you label a child as "unsociable" at will, the child will question himself and completely close off his unique side. The only way to remove the label of "unsociable" is to let "social" become a brand.

Therefore, parents understand their children’s “unsociability” and understand their children’s inner thoughts. The consequences of arbitrary definitions are really serious.

In short, "being gregarious" is power, and "being unsociable" is ability. What parents need to do is to help and guide their children to find a balance between the two, respect their rights, and cultivate their abilities.