There are always a few things that will make your wife laugh! ! ! !

1. Woman: "As long as you have money, I can marry anyone." Man: "Will you marry the bank safe?"

2. When quarreling, men The difference with women is like the difference between a pistol and a machine gun.

3. My wife wants to lose weight, so she goes horse riding every day. As a result, Ma lost 40 pounds in one month.

4. Patient: "Doctor, you left the scissors in my stomach." "It doesn't matter, I still have one."

5. Judge: Why did you print a fake Money? The defendant said innocently: Because I can't print real money.

6. Wife: "Men are all timid." Husband: "Not necessarily, otherwise why would I marry you."

7. First couplet: Hahaha Haha, second line: Hey hey hey hey. Hengbiao: Mental illness

8. First year: He talks, she listens. Year 2: She talks, he listens. Year Three: They talk and the neighbors listen.

9. If the cold world we live in is still difficult to change, at least I still have your face to dissolve the ice and snow.

10. Thief A: "Quickly count how much money you robbed today?" Thief B: "No, I will find out by reading the newspaper tomorrow."

11 .Teacher: "Peter, do you know how many years a mouse can live?" Peter: "It depends on the cat."

12. The kangaroo said to the dog: "I can put the phone on In my bag, and you can only hang your phone on your butt!”

13. Zhu Bajie: I changed my name to Sai Panan, many beauties are waiting for me! Sun Wukong: Could it be that you are online, idiot.

14. The daughter asked her mother: "Was Dad shy before?" "If he wasn't shy, you would be at least four years older now!"

15. Father: You are so old now , it’s time to find a wife. Zi: Yes, but in the vast sea of ??people, whose wife should I find?

16. Female: "Why are you always chewing candy when you talk to me?" Male: "How can you get so many sweet words if you don't chew sugar?"

17. Female A: "You Does your fiancé know your age? "Otome: "Yes, he knows part of it."

18. "How?" "She is as cold as ice. It attracts me like a magnet. ”

1. Life is really boring. Last month, a buddy of mine borrowed 4,000 yuan from me and said he wanted to have plastic surgery.

As a result, I don’t know what he turned into now. Oh, 4,000 yuan.

2. Note to robbers: Our bank staff only understand Spanish. Please be patient when robbing, and it is best to bring a translator with you.

Thank you!

3. Are you blind? You can't see such a big shield, but you want to throw a stone at my head!

4. I think I should lose weight. The last time I donated blood, a hundred milliliters of lard actually leaked out.

5. I have lost all my money, all my furniture, and all my clothes. Now I go out like an Arab.

6. Dear, we are facing such a problem. Currently, there are three necessary monthly expenses: food, rent

and clothing, but we Current income can only cover at most two of these.

7. I am forgetful, so my wife often tells me not to pull out an umbrella when I go out to do errands on rainy days, so I now have ten umbrellas at home

.

8. Except for one item, the rest of the columns are filled in quite well. The "Relationship" column should be filled with "Mother-in-law" instead of "Tension".

9. Yesterday, scientists conducted the latest research. One hundred men participated in the experiment. After each person drank twenty bottles of beer, all of them became extremely talkative but illogical, prone to crying and angry, His behavior was impulsive, his driving skills declined, and his weight increased.

So scientists concluded that beer contains trace amounts of estrogen!

10. Tragedy is like me accidentally cutting off my little finger; comedy is like you accidentally falling into the sewer.

11. When arguing, the difference between men and women is like the difference between a rifle and a machine gun.

12. Can we find a place to have a drink and make friends? Or should I give you my wallet directly?

13. Don’t call your children “little brats”, because from a genetic point of view, this is detrimental to parents.

14. Wife, I shouldn’t use bedsheets to polish my shoes, but I just came back from a business trip and I still can’t change it for a while. I was wrong.

15. In order to improve product safety, we decided to print: Please open this end on the cap of the Coke bottle; and print: Please open the other end on the bottom of the bottle

.

16. Husband: Hahaha, that hat you are wearing is so funny, like. . . Hahaha, I'm sorry, hahaha, it's so funny!

Wife: Humph! I'll see if you still smile when the bill comes in a few days.

17. Reporter: According to a recent public opinion survey, the public’s interest in current affairs at home and abroad is very low. Mr. Congressman,

What do you think of this?

Member: I have no opinion, I don’t care.

18. Mary, if you don’t agree to marry me, I will commit suicide immediately. This is my usual approach.

19. I am the only bachelor left in my village. The other men who got married and had children have already been sterilized. Doctor, please sterilize me too.

I’m afraid. If any woman gets pregnant, I can't bear this responsibility.

20. Tourist: Master, is that thatched house over there a toilet?

Monk: Except for the thatched house, the rest of the place is a toilet.

21. If idiots could fly, my company would be an airport.

22. If a lawyer and a politician fell into the river at the same time, would you go to drink coffee or go to a movie? (Multiple choice question)

23. If it didn’t happen to me, this would be really funny.

24. Do you want to have a good set of teeth? Here are three lessons for you: 1. Rinse your mouth after meals and brush your teeth in the morning and evening; 2. Go to the hospital to check your teeth every two years; 3. Mind your own business.

25. The hair is gone and the dandruff is even better!

26. We are always accustomed to thinking that the brain is the most important organ of the human body, but don’t forget who made this judgment.

27. We should keep quiet when listening to sermons in church. It is very impolite to disturb others' sleep.

28. These are not rags! These are antiques from my collection! Of course, if you don't like it, you can throw it away.

29. Artificial intelligence and natural stupidity cannot be compared - because we advocate pure nature.

30. If a person can smile comfortably in the face of criticism from everyone, then he has probably found a scapegoat.

31. Yesterday, I signed up for a weight loss training class. They asked me to wear loose clothes during training. Is this unreasonable? If there are loose clothes, then why should I sign up?

33. If idiots could fly, my company would be like an airport.

34. All men are born equal, except those who are married.

35. Can we find a place to have a drink and make friends? Or should I give you my wallet directly?

36. Yesterday, scientists conducted the latest research. One hundred men participated in the experiment. After each person drank twenty bottles of beer, all of them became extremely talkative but illogical, prone to crying and angry, His behavior was impulsive, his driving skills declined, and his weight increased.

So scientists concluded that beer contains trace amounts of estrogen!

37. I think that as long as I have a little more modest qualities, I will be a perfect person.

38. If you need consultation or advice, we will provide it free of charge; if you need the correct answer, please pay additionally.

39. In the past, when the alarm clock went off, I often had the habit of slapping it and going back to sleep. But since I put three mouse traps next to the alarm clock, my problem has been eradicated.

40. If Beethoven is said to be the "father of symphony", does that mean that Beethoven's father is the "father of symphony"?

41. I have done a lot of stupid things, but I don't care. My friends call it "confidence."

42. The Blind Association sincerely advises you: Never drink and drive.

43. I think I should lose weight. The last time I donated blood, a hundred milliliters of lard actually leaked out.

44. Experiment with two bugs. The one in the whiskey died, proving that whiskey doesn't cause worms in the stomach.

45. My creativity is indescribably high, my work ability is indescribably strong, and my writing skills are indescribably wonderful.

46. If Bill Gates could get one dollar every time the computer restarted, then he would give it away.

47. Ten years later, the court sentenced the murderer to death for the second time.

48. I would like to dedicate this book to my brilliant and outstanding wife. Without her, I will be nothing. When I was in pain, she comforted me; when I failed, she gave me confidence again.

She never complained, never interfered in my career, never inquired about the details, and never made comments. She always suffered the hardships of life silently. . . (Author's Note - Special thanks to my wife for writing the preface to this book)

49. I pretended to work for my boss, and my boss pretended to pay me a salary.

50. My wife and I have not spoken for 18 months, and I have no chance to interrupt her.

51. Have you ever heard the story of "The big pig said yes, and the little pig said no"?

52. I never watch TV. I just always check whether there are any misprints of TV programs in newspapers.

53. Your eyes are like the bright moon in the sky, one is the first day of the lunar month and the other is the fifteenth day.

54. Why are you so ignorant? Your uncle is here, why would you think of going to the zoo to see bears?

55. My eyesight is very poor. For example, can you see the thumbtack on the wall over there? You can see it, but I can't.

56. Every day I set a new world record - the number of days I have lived in the world.

57. Clerk: Miss, these ten hundred-dollar bills of yours are all fake.

Beautiful girl: Ah! I was raped!

59. Thief A: Count how much money you robbed today?

Thief B: No, you will know after reading the newspaper tomorrow.

60. In the Internet world, your girlfriend may be a man and your boyfriend may be a woman. This is painful, but you have to accept it.

62. If you want to compete with a tiger to see who can starve more, you will definitely win.

63. I put the TV remote control on my waist and pretended to have bought a new mobile phone.

64. Just having money does not make people happy, so I also stole some jewelry, stamps, watches and so on.