here, we interpret "friends" as * * * identical bodies with close psychological distance, mutual trust, interdependence, mutual support and mutual attraction. Not what we call "ordinary friends" in our daily life.
As a friend, there must be a prerequisite, that is, two people should have frequent contact opportunities, such as classmates, colleagues, relatives, etc. The Internet age also provides people with a platform for communication, so you can also have "netizens". In addition, two people have the same interests, hobbies, similar ages, social backgrounds, etc., which are all contact factors to become friends, but this alone is not enough, it only provides possibilities for becoming friends. There are deeper factors that affect the two to become friends: values, beliefs, etc. It is hard to imagine that a person who believes that horses don't eat weeds and are not fat and a person who believes that "a gentleman loves money and has a good way to get it" will become good friends. In real life, we will also find that although we are not friends with a colleague, that person attracts us because of his high personality charm, which is another factor that affects becoming friends: personality. A sincere personality is the most attractive.
So, does it mean that with these factors, we can become friends? Otherwise. Take a look at some friends around you. Maybe there are no similar interests and hobbies between them, no similar social background and even very different personalities, but they are very good friends.
so, what is the most fundamental element to be a good friend? The answer is: * * * knowledge. That is, both sides have the knowledge of treating each other as good friends. Under this understanding, some of the above factors will become binders and catalysts, but they are not the most important components. With the knowledge of * * *, even without those similarities, both sides will still ignore some shortcomings of the other side, and * * * will go to find the most similar parts of two people. It is for this reason that some people with great differences in age, gender and social status become good friends.
maybe some people disagree with this conclusion. In the process of our growth, we will find that we have many similarities with some "friends" around us. For example, infants (before the age of 6) will regard whether they have the same playthings and their favorite activities as the criteria for making friends, while children (6-12 years old) pay more attention to academic performance, personality and closeness to each other. However, this kind of "friend" is not "knowing oneself". Once the distance between the two sides is far away, such as graduation and relocation, this friendship will be interrupted soon.
True friendship is not affected by the interference of time and place. A hedge between keeps friendship green. Knowing yourself is like a glass of clear water, clear and transparent, which will always bring you a feeling of coolness like water.
There are always few real friends. More often, the friends we have are just ordinary friends, but in different degrees. So how do you evaluate the relationship with your "friends"?
generally speaking, the first step to make friends is the "orientation stage", that is, choosing the object of communication. We usually greet strangers, ask where they are, what experiences they have, what hobbies they have, and then talk about their life and work. At this time, the communication still stays on the surface. We and many people may always be at this level.
the second step is the "emotional exploration stage", that is, from exchanging information to exchanging feelings with each other. At this stage, it is important to establish mutual trust. By communicating each other's feelings about people and things, the psychological distance between the two sides is getting closer and closer, and they can get spiritual satisfaction from each other.
the third step is the "emotional communication stage", that is, the depth and breadth of communication are further deepened, and there are more elements involving personal privacy, so that they can express their feelings accurately and sincerely without concern, and the sense of security and trust of both sides reaches a certain level, and the two sides have more and more similarities and are involved in each other's emotions.
The fourth stage is the "stable communication stage", that is, the other party is allowed to enter his own privacy field, and the content of communication and self-disclosure is increasing. I am willing to disclose some setbacks in my life and work, as well as my dark side, to the other party, and the other party will give me proper understanding and tolerance.
The real "knowing oneself" is in the fourth stage of communication, and such knowing oneself is rare. When evaluating our relationship with a friend, we can use "self-exposure" as an indicator, that is, the extent and scope of the other party or ourselves being revealed to the other party, which is a detector to measure the relationship between the two parties. The exposed contents are divided into emotional hobbies, attitudes towards people and things, self-status, and personal privacy (such as sexual experience, thoughts and behaviors that deviate from social standards).
One thing we should understand is that it is impossible for us to be "friends" with all people. Don't assume that our "interpersonal relationship" is not good just because we are not friends with individual colleagues. Being too strict with yourself and making friends with everyone will make you very tired.
Confucius said, "There are three friends who benefit and three friends who lose. Friends are straightforward, friends forgive, and friends hear more, which is beneficial. Friends will be open, friendly and soft, and friends will be lost. " That is to say, "there are three kinds of beneficial friends and three kinds of harmful friends." It is beneficial to make friends with honest people, honest people and well-informed people. It is harmful to make friends with people who are used to evil ways, with people who are good at flattery, and with people who are used to rhetoric. " We will meet many people in our life, among whom they may become our classmates, lovers, friends and even enemies. But in these terms, friendship is an evergreen tree, which always gives us strength and hope on our way to growth. So how to make good friends is very important.
Tell a story: Students in midsummer ask Zi Zhang how to make friends. Zi Zhang said, "What did Zi Xia say?" Answer: "Zixia said:' Make friends with him who can meet, and refuse him who can't meet.' Zi Zhang said, "What I have heard is different from these: a gentleman respects sages and can accommodate others; Can praise good people and sympathize with people with insufficient ability. If I am a very virtuous person, what can I not tolerate for others? If I am not virtuous, people will reject me, how can I refuse others? " Zi Zhang's answer is the most wonderful and correct view on how to make friends seen in The Analects of Confucius, which is completely different from those views such as "no friends are better than yourself", "friends have three losses" and "you can't do things with your husband". Zi Zhang's concept of making friends is consistent with the spirit of Confucius, who said that "three people must have a teacher, and they can learn from those who are better than me, and they can get warnings from words and deeds that are worse than me to avoid them". Therefore, Zi Zhang's principle of making friends can be used as our general principle of making friends. According to this principle, we can make all kinds of friends with an open mind. Don't choose your friends with a narrow mind and snobbish eyes. In making friends, the most important thing is to have determination, to have your own principles of being a person, and not to follow around easily. We should have the ability to judge whether our friends are good or bad, know that "those who criticize us are our friends", have the heart and magnanimity to appreciate our friends, and be wary of those friends who follow their own advice. We should be good at learning from others' strengths in dealing with others, meet Si Qi, take advice from others, don't follow others' shortcomings, and don't be willing to go along with others just because they are friends. In dealing with people, you can accept friends' help frankly, and you should also help friends sincerely. Spiritual help and care and encouragement are often more valuable than material help and care and encouragement, because material help can be repaid, while spiritual help can not be repaid.
so how do you understand the gentleman Zhang said? Confucius said, "Quality is better than literature, and literature is better than quality. Gentle, then a gentleman. " (The Analects of Confucius Yong Ye) That is to say, the personality image of a gentleman is simple rather than vain, elegant rather than rude, giving the impression of being "gentle" and a harmonious unity of simplicity and elegance. And the word "benevolence" appeared 19 times in The Analects of Confucius, which is not only the highest moral standard of Confucius, but also the essence of Confucius' personality. The original meaning of the word "benevolence" is actually not complicated. It refers to blind date between people and lovers. Therefore, the essence of a gentleman is "benevolence." So without "benevolence", a gentleman is not a real gentleman. No wonder Ceng Zi wanted to say, "A scholar can't help but be hony-yee, and he has a long way to go. Isn't it important to think that benevolence is your own responsibility? Isn't it far after death? " It can also be seen that benevolence is hard-won and important. "The above is a digression.
I want to be a person, a colleague and a cell in a society. I think we must choose friends and friends.