But when Ms Bruner was 40 years old, the reasons for their leisure time became increasingly unclear. "We almost live in different movies." Ms. Bruner, 46, said. "We don't have the same language on the basic question of what is important. I'm not very interested in material things. I am the kind of person who will spend $65,438+000 to see a movie or enjoy an experience. Her pleasure comes from owning a Gucci handbag. "
She decided that it was time to leave her friends. Therefore, Ms. Bruner adopted the "bad boyfriend law" and stopped calling her. Her friend didn't notice it several times before. In several awkward conversations, she asked why Ms. Bruner was always too busy to meet. After that, her friend finally understood her implication. But after several years, it seems that the problem of breaking up has not been completely solved.
"I wish I could handle it in a different way." Ms. Bruner said, "I think instead of letting them continue to speculate, they are still responsible for others."
Jeryl Brunner claimed that she used the "bad boyfriend method" on a friend who wanted to alienate-no more phone calls, no more contact.
Second, is there a correct way to tell friends that it's time to break up?
Thanks to Facebook, the concept of "inattention" has become a part of online culture. With a click of the mouse, you can delete someone from your friends list, and you don't have to look at an annoying status update, let alone a photo of his vacation, so that he can disappear from your life forever.
The real world is not like this. Even though some studies show that it is natural or inevitable for people to weed out the weeds in their social circles as adults, those who really try to stop paying attention to their friends in real life find that things will develop like a small divorce dispute-mixed with embarrassing communication, fabricated excuses, hurt feelings and persistent malice.
Even the best social workers who are not picky eaters admit that sometimes they need to cross out some people's names from their little black books.
Roger Horchow, a Broadway producer, once became famous for playing an excellent "contact" in Malcolm Gladwel's The Turning Point, which means that he can play with social circles, and his potential talent is to maintain the relationship among a group of friends in social circles. But even he has to put some people on the shelf.
People began to "get rid of the' first old friends', that is, friends they met when they were single in the early days, colleagues they met when they first started working, or couples who got married very early, and their children looked like yours." Mr. Horchow said that together with his daughter Sally, he wrote The Art of Friendship: 70 Simple Rules to Help You Build a Meaningful Relationship (St. Martin Press, 2006).
Psychologists believe that this is an inevitable stage of life. People become mature and conscious from a certain moment, thus realizing who they are and what they want for the rest of their lives, and to some extent, clarifying which friends deserve full attention and which are just wasting their energy. In other words, it was time that screened out the friends people made when they were young, and people at that time made friends for the sake of "the more the better".
Fourth,
This screening process even has a scientific name, which is called "Social Emotion Selectivity Theory". The term was coined by Laura L. Carstensen, a professor of psychology and director of the Longevity Center in Stanford, California. According to Dr. Carstensen's data, after 17 years old (assuming that this is after a high school with extremely active social activities), the frequency of communication with acquaintances begins to decrease, and then increases again between the ages of 30 and 40, and it does not begin to decrease significantly until the age of 40 to 50.
"When the time limit is still long, typically when people are still young, we collect friends and explore friendship, and we are interested in all kinds of novel things." Dr. Carstensen said, "You may go to a party you don't even want to go to, but you know you should go-usually you will meet your future partner there."
Some people will think of joan didion's article Farewell to Everything. In the article, Ms. Didion will remember her experience of taking a taxi when she was 23 years old. During this period, she tried to persuade an elderly male friend to accompany her to the party because there would be some "new faces" there.
She wrote: "He really laughed and almost choked." She went on to write: "It seems that this is the last time he attended the party where others promised to have a' new face'. There are 15 people in the room, 5 of whom have slept with him, and only 2 have never owed money. "
Five,
However, this is not the only problem that appears after the temples begin to turn gray. Dr Carol Landau, a clinical professor of psychiatry at Brown University School of Medicine, said: When people reach the age of 30, many of them are going through life changes, such as getting married and having children. They often feel overwhelmed by responsibilities, so they are getting impatient with unimportant friends.
But this process doesn't have to be so painful. Annie Cardi, a 27-year-old children's writer in Boston, recently found out at a party at the University of Virginia that an old college friend had lost contact with her by coincidence. At the party, they talked with their close friends, and then they were embarrassed to find that they didn't invite each other to their upcoming wedding.
"This is not personal; We just naturally alienated. " Ms. Caldi said, "In fact, after the conversation, we all breathed a sigh of relief, the misunderstanding was completely solved, and we left without feeling bad. I know that if I see her wedding photo on Facebook, I will be happy for her. "
Six,
But when the impulse to break up is not two-way, you should think twice.
"Before you end a friendship, the first step is to consider very seriously whether you want to end this special friendship or just relax." Jane Yager said that he is a friendship coach and the author of When Friendship Hurts Feelings: How to Deal with Betraying, Abandoning or Hurting Your Friends (Simon &; Schuster, 2002). "It is always more polite to push away a little than to stop enjoying privacy at once."
Passive methods sometimes work. Marni Zarr, a 46-year-old substitute teacher in Pingdingshan, Arizona, was dragged down by a friend she knew from her parents' circle. Because she was always struggling and competitive, she took a passive approach when she decided to break up. During the conversation, Ms. Zarr talked as little as possible about herself, stopped talking about her feelings and vaguely talked about her future ambitions.
"I took the strategy of distancing myself: I didn't respond to the topic immediately." She recalled, "I answered some important things, but I didn't respond' Hi, how are you? "How was last night?" This kind of problem. "
The passive way worked. Slowly, Ms. Zarr and her friends became less intimate and more like ordinary acquaintances, but in the end she felt guilty for putting her former friends in a painful self-doubt situation.
"She asked our other friends,' Do you know what's going on? "Did Marnie have a problem with me," Zal recalled. "My friends just said,' Oh, no, she's really busy.' I'm busy. Anyone can be busy. But if you really want to get together with your friends, you will still make time for them, even if it is only for a few minutes. "
Seven,
Since franklin roosevelt became president, 83-year-old Mr. Horjo has been carefully adding or subtracting friends. He prefers to be a gentleman.
"At any age, getting rid of a friend is a very delicate matter and should be dealt with sincerely." He said: "you don't want to announce that your friendship is declining or ending;" You don't want to say anything. If someone asks why it's been a long time, you have to be vague. "I'm just too busy" or "I've been traveling recently". "
In fact, honesty may not be the best strategy. Dr Landau of Brown University said, "You must remember that white lies are desirable in order not to hurt others' feelings. "
Eight,
When old colleagues call, Jeff newell always has other plans.
Jeff newell, a social media consultant in Manhattan, said that passive ways are feasible in long-distance friendship. In his industry, he thought his job was to make friends, but a few years ago, he decided it was necessary to clean up some redundant relationships.
His solution is to divide his social foundation into two categories: "linear" (lasting friendship based on deep feelings) and "nonlinear" friends (only based on past experiences such as accidental friendship in old work).
"I have some colleagues and friends who often go out to relax after work, in order to cultivate the tacit understanding of the team, or because someone is my boss." Mr. Newelter, 40, said, "After I left, my friendship with these people remained. I don't hate them. I like them. So I dumped them. I am not so heartless when I dump them, because I like them; I don't want to hurt their feelings. When they invited me out to play, I just said I had other plans. Every time I do this, I will come back several times, and so on, and they will understand. Don't talk, don't gnash your teeth, don't cry. "
Nine,
But not all friends (or former friends) will get rid of them so easily. Carolyn Miller, the office manager in Norwalk, Connecticut, found herself unwilling to put up with the overbearing style of an old friend when she was about 35 years old, so she sent her an email as an ultimatum, listing her grievances and asking her to part ways. Her friend called her and begged her to reconsider. Ms. Miller still sticks to her original position.
A few weeks later, when Ms. Miller's grandfather died, this friend sent her a letter, which strangely wrote that he was an excellent veteran (in fact, her grandfather didn't join the army at all), and soon after, he sent an invitation to attend her wedding. Ms. Miller returned the card and refused the invitation, so her friend called her and asked her why.
When she called, Ms. Miller knew it was time to end their friendship. "I hope your future life is full of love, happiness, peace and happiness, but our friendship is over." Ms. Miller recalled, "I said goodbye and hung up. That night, I met another friend and had a drink together. To tell you the truth, I was very sad. I divorced a friend. "
Ten,
Dorree Lynn, a psychologist in Washington, recalled that she alienated a female friend because she felt that they no longer shared the same values. As a result, gossip spread in their social circle.
"There are rumors that I have become a snob," she said. "It's cruel."
Many emotional experts suggest that in order to avoid slander and persistent bad mood, it is best to take a direct approach, that is, the kind of strategy used when the love story collapses. The least way to overcome the rumor problem is to write a sincere letter, even an email (but don't send text messages; That would be cruel). Erika Holiday, a clinical psychologist at California Aerospace Information Company, said that it would be better to have a heart-to-heart conversation when talking about interpersonal issues on TV programs such as "Dr. Phil".
"By making an appointment, you can sit with your friends," Dr. Holiday said. "Instead of criticizing each other, tell them,' Your life is out of step with mine, and our life trajectory is different. " "
Eleven,
Experimental separation can mitigate the blow.
"You can also suggest that you calm down for a while, or reconnect after a few weeks or months," said Dr. Yago, a friendship coach. "Your former friends may spend more time and energy on other feasible friendships and forget to contact you."
Erika Johnson, a blogger living in Boston, said that this direct method may be effective in the end, but it will still cause the same pain and embarrassment as breaking up. A few years ago, she found herself making a cost-benefit analysis of the friendship developed after her early twenties, because their friendship began to torture her.
Every time she makes a choice in life, whether she goes back to school for graduate study or moves to the suburbs, this friend will respond with contempt. Ms. Johnson decided to call to end the friendship.
"What I want to say is that life is short and I attach great importance to my happiness, so I will try my best to eliminate these negative interferences." Ms. Johnson recalled. The former friend has been trying to contact her for months. Ms. Johnson felt terrible, especially when their close friends told her about the pain she had caused her friends.
But in the end, the feedback from * * * and friends began to change tone. They said that since their friendship broke up, her old friend has been deeply reflecting on herself. Ms. Johnson concluded that it may be worthwhile to suffer from each other in the past, and she may even consider getting back together with her.
Twelve,
Then there is another question: will friendship end?
10 years ago, before social networking sites introduced "attention" into everyday vocabulary, Scott Laing, a personal fitness trainer in Toronto, tried to cancel paying attention to a friend. When I was in my twenties, I liked to go clubbing and play table tennis with this friend. Now I think there is a gap between them. The 46-year-old Mr Ryan's strategy of "ending the game" is to use a trip to Europe to distance himself physically and emotionally from his friends. I sent some postcards in the first three months, and I haven't contacted you since. This, he thought, was the end.
However, last spring, he was surprised to find that for the first time since 15, that friend contacted him actively. He friended him on Facebook.
Translator: Miss Steiner/Alex Williams Original title "It's You, Not Me-How to End a Friendship"