Zi Gong asked Confucius how to treat his friends. Confucius said, "Advise him with advice and do your best. If you don't listen, you will bring shame to yourself. "
This is Confucius' answer to Lutz's "Way of Being a Man", advising friends not to take other people's affairs as their own, not to interfere in other people's lives, not to make decisions for others, and not to try to influence other people's lives and choices.
Confucius said this to Zigong because Luz likes to judge others, and Confucius gave such an answer by teaching students in accordance with their aptitude. Confucius said "Luz Ren Fang", while "Ren Fang" was talking about other people's right and wrong. Confucius disagreed with Zi Gong's behavior. Confucius' standard of life should be: sit still and think about yourself and talk about others. Therefore, when Zi Gong asked his friends, Confucius advised Luz not to interfere too much in other people's lives, which was tantamount to bring disgrace to oneself.
Friends like Zi Gong are believed to be around us, strong, straightforward and outspoken, and like to tell others what to do in life, which is really unpopular.
We can give our own suggestions about the present situation of our friends. As for the other party's choice, it is their own business. If they don't treat themselves as outsiders, too much interference will inevitably cause the other side's disgust.
Confucius' criteria for making friends are: friends are straightforward, friends forgive, and friends listen more. It is to make friends with honest people, honest people and knowledgeable people. Contact with people of these three qualities will make people feel very comfortable, because they know how to respect, and people close to them must have the most basic boundaries. Too much intervention will make people feel disgusted, too much is not enough, too much is not good, and even intimate relationships will be destroyed.
Just like Christopher Meng's view in Intimacy: Marriage is a person's business. What we should do is to manage ourselves, instead of always changing others under the banner of "for your own good". If both husband and wife want to change each other to satisfy their wishes and turn each other into what they want, how can they not complain when the other has lost themselves? Such a relationship will inevitably become irreconcilable because of too much interference with each other, that is, it will bring shame to itself.
There should be space between husband and wife, and children should also have space for their parents. Confucius said: "Parents will not obey their wishes after several exhortations, but will respect their wishes and work hard." In other words, we serve our parents. If our parents have opinions, we should gently persuade them to express our opinions. If their parents don't want to listen, we should still respect them, don't disobey them, do our own thing, and finally work hard for them without resentment.
Many parents are old, their brains are not bright, people become confused, and what they do is not very reliable. I have seen many children take care of their elderly parents as if they were disciplining them. They have no patience, a look of disgust, and forcibly interfere with their parents' decisions. Is this filial piety?
Confucius drew a clear line between himself and others, which is a very important ability to get along with others. Crossing the border will only destroy the relationship and hurt others.
If our feelings for a person are like this: "Love wants to live, and evil wants to die. It is confusing to want to live and die. " That is, when we love someone, we hope that he is alive, and when we hate him, we hope that he will die soon. I hope he is alive, and I hope he will die soon. This is chaos. In the same way, when we want the other party to make changes under the banner of "for your own good", but the other party insists on acting according to their own ideas, we will also become confused.
Is this true love? Really for each other, okay? In fact, this really satisfies our own wishes. For our own sake, how can it be good for others to satisfy themselves by imposing our ideas on each other?
The same is true of our children's education. We give them advice and timely and appropriate guidance. Children have the final right to choose and decide, and we can't make decisions for them. If parents, driven by the belief of "for your own good", take great pains to interfere in their children's lives too much, arrange everything for their children everywhere, and forbid their children to be themselves, this borderless education will lead to all kinds of negative behaviors of children, which is the bring disgrace to oneself of family education.
I have the same experience at work. The purpose of psychological counseling is to help others help themselves. On the one hand, this principle emphasizes the internal drive of visitors to ask for help, and it is really important to have a desire to grow up.
Another meaning is that the role of a consultant is to help visitors grow up, but it can't make decisions instead of visitors, forcing visitors to accept their own suggestions and arrange their own lives. That is to bring shame on yourself in counseling.
Therefore, I never fail to keep up with visitors. I'm just trying to be a consultant. Some clients left, but after a while, they turned around or settled down for a while, and he came back. I will still take them seriously as before. I allow them to make comparisons, make choices, and fight against their own hearts. That's the customer's own business. Do your own job. This is the boundary of negotiation.
Everyone is an independent individual, but he lives in a crowd, so people should grasp the scale of getting along well. People can help each other and be honest with each other, but no matter how far the relationship develops, friends, family and work should have an appropriate limit and understand and respect each other.
The essence of relationship is the boundary, and the most important principle to grasp the boundary is three things in life: to do your own thing-to work hard; Advice on other people's affairs; For god's sake.-release.