A girl, whom I met in a math cram school many years ago, met countless times later, but she didn't contact at all. In this way, as long as I go out to travel or cook, she will leave a message under my circle of friends, saying that she should send me gifts, cook for me and bake cookies. Hey, miss, who's calling, please? Later, she was deleted. Half a year ago, my sister changed her number and added it. This time, she didn't ask for a gift. This time she pretended to know her well in the circle of friends and said something without thinking, but I deleted it again.
The other buddy, in the same group, is naturally familiar, but he doesn't treat himself as an outsider. After adding it, he asked me to help him design his home. Dream!
The above situations all belong to the unclear boundary of interpersonal relationship, which I believe many people will often encounter in their lives. After all, how can you not wet your shoes in the big forest?
The most typical manifestation of unclear interpersonal boundaries is to take other people's affairs as your own, the object itself is unclear, too enthusiastic, too interfering, too protective, pretending to be the savior, and taking helping others as your responsibility and obligation.
There are several aspects: (from the network)?
First of all, saving the mother is often a baby's business. Babies have no self-care ability and really need the care and protection of their mothers. After the child grows up, if the mother still treats the child like this, it will be very unfavorable for the child's growth. However, as children grow up, many mothers have not changed this behavior pattern. They continue to care for their children in every possible way, doing everything for him and interfering in his study, work, life, making friends, love and marriage. Relatively speaking, fathers rarely play the role of rescuers, because men's interpersonal boundaries are generally clearer and farther away than women's. If a family is dominated by women, interpersonal boundaries are usually blurred. On the contrary, if men are in the majority, the interpersonal boundaries will be clearer. Psychological counselors often pretend to be saviors or saviors, cross interpersonal boundaries and excessively interfere with clients. In the process of consultation, it is sometimes necessary to break the interpersonal boundary, but in most cases it is because the counselor's own interpersonal boundary is not clear.
Second, control?
The object relation theory generalizes the object relation by projective identity. There are four common projected identities: control (also called power), dependence, ingratiation (also called pandering) and lust. The so-called control is to regard others as a part or tool of your own body and use others like your own hands and feet, hoping to use them easily. They have no "people" in their eyes, regard others as things, do not attach importance to their inner feelings, and even deliberately suppress their inner feelings. A tool, if it has the ability of independent thinking, users can't completely control it. Therefore, the controller always tries his best to deny others' ability, attack each other's autonomy, make him lose himself and obediently obey the control. There are three kinds of control: hard control, soft control and invisible control. Criticism, education, command, punishment, accusation, humiliation, tracking, investigation and restriction of personal freedom all belong to hard control, flattery, seduction, coquetry, mischief, adventure and threat all belong to soft control, while credit, commitment, protection, gift, setting an example, prestige, self-confidence and courage all belong to intangible control. There are some similarities between intangible control and salvation, which shows that salvation may be transformed into control. However, the two are different after all. The purpose of saving is to make the other person live well, and the result is another matter, while the purpose of control is to "use it for me." Salvation is altruistic, and control is selfish.
Boundary-related personality disorder
1: antisocial personality disorder likes to control others and treat others as their own body or tools. The common method is hard control. Phenotypic personality disorder also likes to control others, and the common method is soft control. Borderline personality disorder is often both soft and hard. Narcissistic personality disorder is a combination of hard control and intangible control.
2. Dependent personality disorder: the boundary is too concentrated on affinity. No ego, no opinion, weak will and indecision. Trust authority in everything. This is a lending strategy, which avoids the risk of decision-making and personal responsibility.
? 3. Avoidant personality disorder: giving up the excessive use of border avoidance strategies. Try not to contact with people, have a strong defensive mentality, regard interpersonal cooperation as a dangerous road, and would rather be lonely than gregarious. One more thing is better than one less thing. Noisy is what this personality tries to avoid. This is a "out of sight, out of mind" strategy to deceive others. It is essentially an "isolated" psychological defense.
4. Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder: clinging to the boundary, pursuing excessive control, hoping to get a perfect, orderly and accurate result. In this kind of obstacle, criticism, blame and complaint are common. The parties have strong self-discipline, but it is often unnecessary, and it leads to the rigidity of behavior and is incompatible with people. 5. Narcissistic personality disorder: the closed boundary of unconscious expansion makes oneself in a high position in imagination, and then criticizes the environment and excludes others. There are many arrogant elements in words and deeds, which are incompatible with people. At the same time, when there are contradictions, it is always because others don't respect or value themselves, and it is easy to rationalize their hostility to the world. If they seriously despise others, they will invade other people's borders on a large scale, which is difficult to detect.