As a side note, the 18th floor is very funny.

Most people suffer from depression for different reasons, which are caused by each person’s experience, but the result is the same, which is world-weariness and self-abandonment. Two words sum up everything. I hate everything, including myself. I can see a few points from the poster’s words:

First, it is really rare to see someone like the poster giving up on himself.

As the old saying goes: Women should look good to those who please themselves. But I like to say it like this: A woman who pleases her will look good. Of these two, people in the world will definitely be one of them. Assume that the reason behind the original poster is really what he said: "Slow development since childhood, simple mind, autistic life, not able to interact with others, and does not understand the thoughts and lifestyles of his peers around him." But after all, people have the ability to judge and are clean. If you are asked to choose between a pair of clothes and a smelly one, you will definitely choose the clean one, otherwise your physical sense of smell will not be able to bear it. However, you have to be urged by your parents to wash your face and brush your teeth before leaving the hospital, so I think you may have a problem with some of your senses. I understand very well what you said about being indifferent to others, because I am also such a person. In addition to my own personality reasons, there is another reason, that is, I am short-sighted. However, because I don’t like wearing glasses, my eyes are not deformed, so from the appearance There is nothing wrong with my eyes. The reason why I don’t like wearing glasses is because I don’t want to see other people’s expressions clearly. Wearing glasses feels cumbersome. Why should I suffer in order to see the expressions of people who have nothing to do with me? Therefore, sometimes when others smile at me, my expression does not change accordingly. So if the poster doesn’t brush his teeth or wash his face, but doesn’t feel any discomfort, could it be that his senses are relatively dull in this regard?

From the tone of the poster, I can tell that the poster is not depressed because of the country's politics, education, people's tendency to follow the crowd, and his inability to express his ambitions. You are depressed because of it. The pessimistic mood caused by other people's attitude towards you, from this point on, you feel that the world is too realistic. There is one thing I don’t want to point out, because I feel that when the poster was in the most pain, even if he hurt himself, he never thought about doing anything to others deliberately. From this, it can be seen that the poster has no intention of hurting others. This is different from most people in this world who are bound to retaliate. It is already very commendable when compared with other people. What I want to say is: if one person or some people are not good to you, then it must be their fault; but if everyone is not good to you, you have to think Think about your own reasons. But there is also one thing. You look so... well, unruly. I think the real reason is that you don't like yourself enough, otherwise no one can tolerate yourself like this.

Second, the poster has a strong writing ability. Of course, strong writing ability does not mean that you can be sharp-tongued and sharp-tongued. On the contrary, sometimes people who write more deeply will find that their oral My expressive ability is very poor, because some words cannot be explained clearly in one or two sentences, so I simply choose not to say them. The language is indeed very pale sometimes. There are two ways to have strong writing skills. One is reading a lot of books, and the other is thinking a lot on your own, but there are also people who have both. You, the poster, did not use some indecent and vulgar words against those who caused harm to you because of your inner anger. Instead, you gave a methodical explanation based on your own reasons and background. This also confirms that I do not believe that you, the poster, are " A simple-minded person.

Maybe the poster’s appearance is very unsatisfactory, but if a person doesn’t even like himself, how can anyone else like him? How can it be possible to like others? There are many ugly people in this world, but will others spit on them? The important thing is not the appearance, but the quality. I don’t talk about the connotation because the connotation is too empty, and the quality is visible. The quality I mean can be summarized in two words: clean. You don’t need to dress trendy or wear famous brands. Even if you dress plainly, old clothes are fine (but old clothes don’t mean those that have been worn for dozens of days without being washed). As long as you are clean, I believe no one will pay attention to you. You spit. Again, if you don’t care about your own cleanliness, others won’t care either. To give a small example, everyone has encountered naughty classmates, and such students are often cannon fodder for teachers. Sometimes teachers dare not criticize those with strong self-esteem because the teacher thinks they may not be able to stand it. But for the naughty students, the teacher saw that they were usually playful and careless, so they thought they really didn't want face, so they naturally didn't give them face.

In fact, as long as they are human beings, they will be hurt. Even those who are naughty and mischievous may have more fragile psychology. However, they do not understand human psychology and choose the wrong way of expression. You know, a large part of other people's attitudes towards you comes from your own attitude towards yourself.

Also, those who dress simply, sometimes so plainly that they feel strange in the eyes of others, are due to their family’s financial conditions. They have relatives’ clothes or parents’ extra clothes, so there is no way to wear them easily. Matching them in a coordinated manner, but it doesn't mean that they don't know what their clothes look like, it's just that they endure the pain in their hearts and are considerate of their parents. However, since the poster can study abroad, even if your parents spend all their money to support your study abroad, I believe your family is not in a situation where three generations of your ancestors have been farmers and cannot make ends meet. You can still wear some comfortable and simple clothes. I am also averse to famous brands, not for anything else but because the logo of famous brand clothes is too obvious. It feels like I am not wearing the clothes, but the clothes are wearing me. Sometimes the more a person shows off something, the more he lacks something. So you don’t have to force yourself to cater to other people’s tastes.

Someone upstairs is right, your parents have certain responsibilities. I don’t know how you spent your childhood, but I think it may not be normal. Childhood has a vital impact on a person’s personality. Although your personality will change later, it is still difficult to break through the shackles of childhood influence. Because the representatives of childhood are your parents. If your parents don’t change the way they educate you, it will be difficult for you to change. In the same way, if you change, you may disobey your parents. Judging from what you wrote, you don’t have deep hatred for your parents, and you don’t attribute your current situation to your parents’ poor education. You just feel powerless and worried about your parents letting you choose to study abroad. But you also know that your parents are For your own good, so you feel like you can't blame them.

There are three points that need to be pointed out: First, the most important point is your own ideas and what are your own dreams? You said that your parents have always helped you make decisions. You may have known that your parents would not harm you, so you did not disobey, but are those really what you like? Maybe I should ask: Do you have a dream? You should think about it carefully and never say no. It would be really sad if everything you do in your life is dispensable, because you have been arbitrarily trained by your parents to be "slavish". This is The scariest. Let me remind you, because I have been entangled with this problem before. I have been studying and studying, and it seems that only studying is left in my life. In the end, I found that it was not what I liked, but it seemed that it was too late to choose what I liked. At that time, I feel very painful. I know what I don’t want, but I don’t know what I want. There were so many things that I liked that I couldn’t choose, so I finally chose the all-inclusive animation major, which allowed me to express my emotions and satisfy my hobbies. You can also follow this idea to choose the path you want to take. Many people feel that life is hopeless just because they "can't help themselves" and cannot find their own value. If your parents can't understand you and want you to follow their will, you must talk to them openly and let them know what you think and that you have the ability to think independently, so that they will feel free to let you Make your own choices.

Second, very realistically, given your situation, you are indeed not suitable for repeating your studies, so your family will send you abroad. It’s just that I don’t understand whether you are already in Australia, are still training for IELTS, or are you staying at home. I don’t know what your previous grades were. If you have already gone to Australia, did you study accounting or something like that? I think so because most people who go to Australia do so for immigration, which is also a relatively cost-effective deal. But for you, I still hope you don't read these things. You should read something that can help you learn a skill, and don't learn these frivolous things.

Three, this world is not scary. I am world-weary, I just find it boring, but I have good interpersonal relationships and can deal with people with ease, because I understand the psychology of most people, although I don’t really deal with others, and those who are as weird as me , I always stay away from them. Maybe you think this is a bit strange, why you haven't been isolated if you don't fit in with others. What I can say is that as time passes, others will know what you are like. There is no need to rush.

Sometimes, in order to show that they are close to you, people will say bad things about some people to you. If both of you angrily accuse that person of wrongdoing, maybe on the surface, you can talk to each other and are the same kind of people, but in reality, this is not the case. Friends cannot last forever. The sentence "The friendship between gentlemen is as light as water, and the friendship between villains is sweet" is a bit abstract. To put it simply, in your hearts, you will think that the other party will say curse words easily and have a small tolerance. They will definitely treat me like this one day. Although neither of them behaves kindly, they still look down on each other. Everyone has shortcomings, and you should regard some of the behaviors of others as normal and not surprising. You should regard everyone as guilty, so that you will not suffer from other people's words and deeds towards you. You say the world is like this, who else isn’t? However, in the beginning, human beings are inherently good. You must not have the intention of harming others, and you must have the intention of guarding against others. You must have your own principles as a human being. Look at all living beings and think about if a person will change his view of you because of your appearance. Such people have nothing to fear. After some people have endured hardships, two things will happen. Either they have good intentions and feel that they cannot let others endure the same pain, or they inflict on others what has happened to them. However, the phenomenon in society is the latter. Mostly, this is a vicious cycle.

To solve your problem, in addition to self-love (clean yourself up), I have three suggestions: first, love sports; second, get close to nature; third, find your own hobbies and let yourself have fun. Rely on. (There must be hobbies, but sometimes people think there is no possibility of realizing them and choose to avoid them.) I don’t know if you have ever jogged along a country road in the early morning. The refreshing and pleasant feeling can only be understood by yourself.

It is wrong to self-mutilate. I also suffer from depression and have struggled on the edge of death. But I know that self-mutilation means that I still miss the world and just want to prove my pain. Otherwise, Just committed suicide. Therefore, I have never harmed myself. I believe that since I am alive, I should not torture myself, otherwise it will be over. I used to say to those who envied me: A sad life is perfect in the eyes of others. Some things can only be like drinking water and knowing whether it is warm or cold. I used to not know what the meaning of life was, because life has no meaning at all. I was thinking, do I still need to live? I think most people with depression think this way. I have also been taking medicine for a long time, but I firmly believe that medicine is of no use to me. I only take it to reassure my parents. My depression is purely because I see some things too clearly and lose the joy of life. Unlike those who Unlike people who suffer from nervousness due to stress and poor sleep, my nervousness is mental, not physical, so I don’t need those drowsy drugs. So I knew that unless my outlook on life changed, it would never get better.

The following is a diary on my blog. I originally wrote a series of diaries under the category "Floating Life as a Dream". Originally, the purpose of the blog was just to record my depression, but this article This is the last article I will discuss about the confusion of life, because I no longer need to be hesitant. It is not helpful to always immerse myself in sadness and not face life, not to mention that I already know where my problem is. Therefore, today’s blogs mainly focus on collecting various information for sharing with like-minded people.

“Actually, I don’t appreciate (appreciation here means worthy of imitation) Zhuangzi. I don’t seem to have anyone who appreciates it, because I always feel that when people are alive, they will have various desires. If they have desires, they are not Everything is indestructible, so I think this is a flaw, so I can't appreciate anyone. I once heard Confucius say, "Those who are far away are resentful, and those who are close are not inferior." I thought he was very thorough, but after checking, I found that his statement was. The description of women goes deeper, and I find that it expresses his resentment for having a crush on Nanzi but not being able to get it. Then there is Zhuangzi. I think he has gone crazy. He is not sad when his relatives die, he sings while building, and he also makes such remarks. There are a lot of principles of returning to nature. I think it is meaningless for him to live like this. No desire and no joy is not the realm I pursue. There is also Bai Juyi. Although I like his poems the most, I don’t care about his original friend. However, he wrote a poem to accuse his friend's concubine of not following the martyrdom and forcing the arrogant woman to death, while he was still in his 80s and still left Fan Su's right hand. I think no one is truly transcendent, Tao Yuanming. When you are old, don't you also utter pessimistic sighs such as "Life has no roots, just like dust on the road".

For some people, I can only like some of their views or poems, but I cannot believe in them as if they were gods. I also said in my diary that I have low self-esteem because I feel that the world, including myself, is very insignificant, just a drop in the ocean of thousands of years of history. I am also very conceited and look down on those who are obsessed with worldly fame and fortune. So I take "Among the three thousand motes of dust, I would rather love or hate?" as my motto. In the three thousand world, what do my love and hatred mean? In fact, I have never understood the meaning of this sentence carefully. I thought it was just to say that I am insignificant, so don't bother. Later I realized that it actually means that compared with nature, the so-called spirit of all things is really insignificant. . We should get many truths from nature, but nature does not refer to the flowers in a children's park. It should be the kind of thing that makes you feel so small and insignificant in front of it. Once, when I arrived at the beach, I accidentally boarded a speedboat. I didn't feel anything at first, but gradually I got away from the crowds on the shore and sailed to the middle of the sea. The sun hung in the sky not far away, spreading its light on the sea. I looked at the endless sparkling waves on the sea and on us, and then looked at the sun above my head. I suddenly felt a very small feeling. In the end, I couldn't help but get wet in my eyes. I was so moved. It turns out that there is nothing in the world except what I saw. Despite all the hard work, this great scene exists silently.

I think the reason why people in ancient times had the ambition to "hide themselves in the city" was because the people at that time were relatively simple and not as realistic as they are now, and also because the environment was not destroyed and there was no need to We breathe turbid air like we live in the city, and the noise is endless. But what they really mean by "hiding in the city" is to be moved by the warm and trivial things of kind-hearted people, to feel the lives of ordinary people, and to unload their heavy ideological baggage. At that time, many high-ranking officials with eyes on their foreheads may have dismissed the lives of ordinary people, but those who lived in seclusion in the city felt that they were ordinary and that everyone could be happy for some small things. Living is what human beings should really look like, so I can understand their psychology hidden among the world. However, in modern times, there is no longer a need to "hide in the city", and the reasons probably do not need me to repeat them. By the way, I have always felt that the apartments in the city, when viewed from a distance, are just like the neatly organized but compact chicken coops I once saw in a farmer's chicken house.

And I like Buddhist verses, so-called to persuade myself to let go, the reason is precisely because I can't let go. But I can't let go of anything, not fame, wealth or anything else, but my extravagant hopes for the world. I advise myself not to be sad about other people's words and deeds, or sad about other people's unfriendliness. Of course, the words, actions, and unkindness were not directed at me, because I never took the initiative to deal with others, so no one had a chance. When I was a sophomore in high school, a girl bullied a kind but weak girl sitting in front of me. She threw her clothes on the ground and stamped on her hard with her feet. Everyone watched silently and then continued to do their own thing. After two minutes, I lay on the table without raising my head for a long time. The classmates behind me saw my shoulders that were trying not to tremble and said, "Why are you crying?" Then several classmates in front also turned to talk to me. I wiped away my tears, then raised my head and continued doing my homework, paying no attention to anyone, and the incident passed like this. In fact, I felt extremely sad at the time. I wanted to cry to them, the world is already so bad, why do you still let these bad things happen? But others may find it absurd and unbelievable. Later I thought about it, I wasn't crying for that kind girl, I was just crying because something like this happened. Suddenly I remembered that once a classmate asked me on QQ why I was so cold. I replied that it was because I cry easily.

This is actually my reply today to a person who kindly enlightened me. He asked me to understand more about the wisdom of Zhuangzi and Buddha, but I always feel that I cannot convince anyone, or that I am illusory. God, plus an experience he told me: "I went to college in Hangzhou and lived by the West Lake for 6 years. I was very depressed for a period of time, so one night I ran to the West Lake alone and walked to Baidi. I walked up and down all night. The night was dark, there was no moon or stars in the sky, the lake was smoky, and the cool breeze soaked my body. I felt dizzy, numb and lethargic. But around 4 o'clock in the morning, the sky began to slowly change. It was bright, and some morning exercisers came to the lake. For some reason, they liked to scream, and soon the screams started one after another, resounding all around.

Suddenly, a touch of pink appeared in the eastern sky, which almost choked me with sobs. I couldn't help but scream weirdly along with those who were doing morning exercises (unfortunately, the sound was not loud enough), and then I felt that all my worries had disappeared. I can't tell you the reason for that momentary change. I can only tell you the previous situation, hoping you can understand it. "This familiar feeling reminded me that the only thing that can truly save me is nature, because only to nature can people sincerely surrender. I finally found the root cause. I have only absorbed the wisdom of the sages, but I always feel... They are obsessed with their personal matters and feel disappointed, but they never know that their realm comes from the entire nature."

Of course, once a person has the mood of being world-weary, it is difficult to stop. I have developed a sense of trust in the world, so I may get used to looking at things pessimistically or calmly in the future. This can be regarded as a kind of growth. But becoming a demon or a Buddha can only happen in a single thought. The following is a quote from someone else's article:

"Depression" is not terrible. Don't be afraid of "depression", don't talk about "depression" in a trivial manner, and don't treat "depression" as a big deal, because "depression" is nothing to be afraid of, because it is the best opportunity for people to truly grow, and it is a crisis. It's opportunity in danger.

" Depression can be said to be one of the highest forms of introspection in life. Only truly wise and sober people have the opportunity to experience depression. Only those who live in dreams all day long, never think, never go People who look at themselves will not realize the meaning of depression. It can be said that depression has existed in many people. Please think carefully about your life trajectory and experiences. When you think about the meaning of life, when you think about it, When you are dissatisfied with real life, when you are dissatisfied with yourself, when you start to look at your inner self, when you cannot cope with the external environment, when you feel powerless, when you are very afraid, because you have discovered a lot of truths, So you will fall into a painful state of depression, allowing you to unconsciously think, pursue, and discover the meaninglessness of real life, the meaninglessness of life, the meaninglessness of living conditions, and the meaninglessness of pursuit, becoming more and more meaningless. Disappointment, disappointment in oneself, disappointment in life, disappointment in life, thus losing confidence in life, confidence in oneself, confidence in life, not being interested in anything, feeling that nothing has any meaning, There is no need to do it. The world of real life is fake and not what you really want in your heart, so you adopt a state of contraction and giving up, give up yourself, give up life, wrap yourself tightly and become a "cocoon"! Wrap the soul tightly and give birth to new life.

The old saying goes: "Throw it to death and then survive." Only by getting rid of the false, empty, and wrong things that you originally pursued can you give birth to a new reality and self, because your soul is no longer breathable and needs to breathe real fresh air and breathe, because you once had inner feelings. Your soul is too oppressed, and your inner wisdom tells you that it won't work if you continue like this, and it will really destroy yourself if you continue like this. Therefore, you adopt a wise way to protect and grow yourself. It can be said that depression is the result of inner wisdom. Arrangement, one of the best arrangements.

Most of the wise men, philosophers, writers and artists in human history have been depressed. It is not because they want to pursue fashion and depression is popular. The best and most effective way to encourage people to think internally and return to their hearts is also a necessary stage. "Only pain can awaken consciousness." Only by experiencing the state of "cocoon" and sublimating into "butterfly" can a person truly become a butterfly. Only by growing up and establishing a true connection with the inner soul can we gain true freedom, find the true meaning of life, and achieve rebirth.

The process from "pupa" to "butterfly" is often very long. It is painful, because the suffering you have to endure can be said to be the suffering of the entire human race. What you are facing is the suffering of the entire world, and you are suffering for the entire era and society. Therefore, depressed people are very strong, brave, and They are wise, but also very struggling, very contradictory, and very fragile. I respect depressed people very much, and I also admire depressed people. I have gone through such years myself, and although it was my own choice, I can. Deeply feel the pain and struggle, the resistance of the soul breaking free from the rope, the struggle of the soul longing to fly and longing for freedom.

Currently, most methods of treating depression use medication, which rarely helps with true inner growth. Heart medicine requires heart medicine and medicine, spiritual problems need to be solved using spiritual methods, and the cry of the soul requires the soul. It is difficult for people who cannot understand the meaning of depression to help "depressed" clients. Sometimes a psychological counselor is just a "lantern bearer" who illuminates the road deep in the soul. The road ahead is unclear and the road is long. Far away, accompany these brave and wise men, walking through the swamp and darkness of life, welcoming the inner rebirth and nirvana, dancing in the world of the soul, and walking in the paradise of the soul. Although this period may be difficult and tortuous, and there may be many changes and accidents, let us move forward together. "The road in the world... is bumpy, but sunshine can be seen in the bumps."

The sun always comes after the wind and rain. Only by being reborn from the ashes can the phoenix be reborn. Go forward bravely. Only by flying can you realize the true meaning of life, which is the meaning of your coming to this world. When your heart truly smiles, the world will also smile. ”

This article was discovered when I was severely depressed. I can understand the first part of what the author said, that is, the feeling of the "depressive" period, but I cannot understand his final epiphany and cannot Knowing how he got out of it (of course, everyone's depression has different situations, and I can't guarantee that the method that works for me will work for you, but I think it should be similar), he may be depressed because of something, But in the end, the matter was resolved and he got better. So when I read his last paragraph, I felt it was very hollow and unconvincing. But I still saved the article, hoping that one day I would be able to do it too. Get out. Now I have done it, so I will give it to you. Regarding the last paragraph, it is not the solution the author told us, but the same experience as him in the future. Although I am not as optimistic as him, I will not do it again. Pessimism, if I had to choose again, I would still choose this kind of "depression", which allowed me to recognize life early and plan for it, instead of waiting until I am old to regret it.

The psychiatrist is. It's useless, because they have never been depressed, so they can't really understand our hearts. The time-based clock on the table reminds us all the time that their "listening" to our hearts is just a transaction controlled by drugs. It's psychological, not physical. We can only save ourselves. Although this metaphor is a bit crude, it is very appropriate. A butterfly can only transform into a butterfly by itself, and it will always be a caterpillar if the chrysalis is opened abruptly. There are many questions about depression on the Internet, but I just looked at them because I can't answer questions that are not caused by thoughts or psychology, and because some of them cannot be called "depression" in my eyes. However, the poster's situation is very serious. It's tragic, and the answers above are also very perfunctory. Psychiatrists can't help you. If no one can enlighten you, I'm afraid that the poster will go astray, so I sacrificed a few hours to write this long article. I hope it can be helpful to the poster. Finally, I wish the poster can come out of the shadows as soon as possible.

ps: It’s so long that Baidu will probably censor it again, but don’t be fooled by me.