First, there are six factors that lead to friendship and attraction.
1 proximity
Proximity means easy access. Classmates, comrades-in-arms, colleagues and people living in a community all provide convenience for getting close to a person. Proximity is a powerful predictor of whether two people can become friends. Although proximity may also induce hostility, proximity is more likely to generate goodwill.
This reminds me of the time when I took courses in college. Some female students are ordinary, but they choose science and engineering. There are only three or four boys in the class. They were particularly confident when they were in college, because a group of boys sought after them. However, in some female-dominated schools, such as medical schools and normal schools, it is always easy for us to meet an ordinary-looking male classmate whose girlfriend is often the beauty queen of the school. This is the result of attraction caused by proximity.
2 interact with each other.
In fact, geographical distance is not the key, but functional distance, people's life trajectory and intersection frequency are the key.
You live in a neighborhood with a girl, and you like her very much. The next step is to facilitate your communication with her, such as seeing which bus she takes, when she comes down to take out the garbage and when she goes out to eat, and then keeping your life frequency consistent with her, so that the possibility of interaction between two people will increase.
3 Appearance attraction
It is a fact that a young lady's physical attraction can date her to a certain extent, while a man's appearance has a slightly lower predictive power on his dating times. Women also pay attention to men's appearance. Research on speed dating shows that men pay more attention to the physical attraction of their date than women, but in fact physical attraction is equally important to men and women.
Harvard students did an experiment. He asked the students to look at the profile photos of eight women before and after plastic surgery, and then evaluate them. The results show that students not only think that women are more attractive after surgery, but also think that they are kinder, more sensitive, sexier, more enthusiastic, more responsible and more likable.
Attraction and appearance modification can also affect the first impression in the interview, especially when the evaluator is of the opposite sex.
Similarity and complementarity.
Similarity produces similarity. The more similar someone is to you, the more you will like her. Similar affection is not only applicable to college students, children and the elderly, but also to people of different occupations and cultures.
In many environments, when we walk into a room full of strangers, we usually sit next to people who are similar to ourselves. For example, people with glasses will sit next to people with glasses, and people with long hair will sit next to people with long hair.
This phenomenon reminds me of the meeting in our unit many years ago, but because the door of the conference room has not been opened, everyone gathered outside the door in twos and threes to chat. At this time, a colleague told me: Look at the three or five people standing over there. They are all divorced. I was surprised by what she said, but looking at that group of people carefully, it is true.
Now that I think about it, those colleagues must not stand together on purpose. Some similarity between them should make them stand together. Now that I've experienced a marital accident myself, I will always examine my behavior and who I like to be with. I found that I have no special feelings for divorced women in the company. On the contrary, I even feel reluctant to approach them, because I find that many of them have not yet got out of the shadow of divorce and dare not talk about their living conditions with others. I prefer to be with people who like to talk freely about their living conditions.
5 like people who like us.
Generally speaking, men are interested in women who are interested in themselves, not women with thin legs. This sentence can also be reversed. Women are often interested in men who are interested in themselves.
The ancient philosopher Kato said: If you want to be loved by others, love others.
Emerson said: The only way to have friends is to be friends with others.
Carnegie said: Praise others generously.
No matter whether we evaluate ourselves or others, negative information is more important, because it is more unusual than positive information and can catch people's attention. This tells us that if we want to send positive information to a person, we must be timely and lasting, so as to eliminate the impact of occasional negative information on the other party.
We sometimes criticize children and even make irresponsible remarks when we are angry. Later, parents need to use more strength to express their positive concern for their children.
6 returns in interpersonal relationships
When asked why we make friends with a person, our answer should be this: I like him because it feels good to be with him. We are attracted by those who make us feel satisfied and happy, and these people appear in the eyes or minds of the attracted party. We can sum up this view as a simple theory of attracting rewards.
Attractive reward theory means that we like those who return to us or are related to the return we get. If the rewards of interacting with someone outweigh the costs, then we like and are willing to continue this relationship. This is especially true when our interests in this relationship outweigh other possible relationships. When one party meets the unmet needs of the other party, there will be mutual attraction.
The benefits here are not only material, but also spiritual.
Second, the types and elements of love.
Psychologist Robert Robert Jeffrey Sternberg believes that love is a triangle with three sides of different lengths, namely passion, intimacy and commitment.
1 Warm love. Including intimacy and passion.
Passionate love is emotional, exciting and intense. When you feel that you are not only secretly in love with someone, but also deeply involved in it, that feeling is passionate love.
If passion is a state marked as love can bring excitement, then anything that can increase excitement should enhance the feeling of love.
Here I have to mention the theory of two factors of emotion put forward by schacter and Singh. According to this theory, when excited men react to women, it is easy for them to mistakenly attribute some of their physiological activations to this woman.
Love is also a social phenomenon. Allen Burchid said that love is not only desire, but romantic love is a combination of sexual desire and profound friendship.
2 partner love. Including intimacy and commitment.
The longer a relationship lasts, the less emotional fluctuations it causes. The climax of romantic love may last for months or even a year or two, but there is never a peak that can last forever. Partner love is relatively peaceful. For those couples who have been married for more than 20 years, as their children grow up and start to live independently, empty nests appear in their families, and some lost romantic feelings reappear, parents can pay attention to each other again.
Mark Twain said: No one will really understand love until they have been married for more than 1/4 centuries.
If a relationship used to be intimate and reciprocal, then the accompanying love will be rooted in the ups and downs of life that * * * has experienced together, and the longer it is, the more mellow it will be.
Third, the factors that promote intimacy.
1 attachment
People will show many social reactions soon after birth, such as love, fear and anger, but the most important thing is love. In all attachment to love, there are some elements: mutual understanding, providing and receiving support, attaching importance to and enjoying being with the person you love. However, passionate love seems to have some additional characteristics, such as physical intimacy, exclusive expectation and strong infatuation with the lover.
But passionate love is not exclusive to couples. The strong feelings between a baby and his parents are similar to passionate love, and even the activities in the brain region are similar to passionate love.
2 Fairness
The principle of long-term fairness can also explain why the resources of both parties in marriage are often equal, and they are often matched in physical attraction and social status. If they don't match in one aspect, such as physical attraction, then they will not match in other aspects, such as social status, but on the whole, their resources are balanced.
The principle of fairness exists, especially in those lasting relationships.
Fourth, the end of intimacy: divorce
Those who value marriage commitment more than marriage intention can usually tolerate conflicts and dissatisfaction again and again. A national survey in the United States found that those who were unhappy but still married, when interviewed again five years later, 86% thought that their current marriage was very or quite happy. Compared with narcissists who care more about their wishes and image, they have less firm commitment when they get married, so they are less likely to have a long-term successful marriage.
The risk of divorce also depends on who you marry. Couples who meet the following conditions usually do not get divorced:
/kloc-get married after 0/20 years old.
Both grew up in stable parents' families.
I was in love for a long time before I got married.
4 received a good similar education.
5 have a stable income.
Live in a small town or farm.
No cohabitation or pregnancy before marriage.
There is a sincere commitment to each other.
Age, belief and social and cultural level are similar.
None of these predictors can be regarded as the basic elements of a stable marriage independently. They are only the relevant elements of a stable marriage, and there is no necessary causal relationship. However, if someone's situation does not meet all the above items, then her marriage will almost certainly break up. If a couple meets the above conditions, it is very likely that they will grow old together.
The factors that predict the breakdown of marriage are not pain and quarrel, but indifference, disillusionment and helplessness. Couples with successful marriages can sometimes benefit from communication training, learn how to restrain vicious insults, avoid losing their temper, and think and act in a more positive way.
This is an eye gaze experiment. The experimenter asked a strange man and woman to stare at each other intently for two minutes. When two people are separated, people who stare into their eyes respond with electric shock, and they are attracted to each other. Imitating the behavior of love can also stimulate love.
Robert Jeffrey Sternberg believes that through role-playing and expressing love, the initial romance and passion can develop into lasting love.
The TV series "Rent a Girlfriend to Go Home for the New Year" is about the love generated by role-playing.
Postscript:
People must strive to prevent the decline of love, such as finding time to talk about what happened that day, restraining their nagging, not quarreling, listening to each other's sadness, worries and dreams, and striving to make the marriage relationship reach an ideal and perfect state and become a social equality and classless utopia, where both partners can freely give and take, make decisions together and enjoy life together.