Parents are their children’s first teachers and play a key role in their children’s initial growth. Respect is an important method and special nutrition in the education of American children. How do American parents educate their children? Let’s take a look together!
The great educator Locke once said: “The less parents publicize their children’s faults, the more their children will value their reputation. Therefore, they will be more careful to protect others' favorable opinion of them. If their parents announce their mistakes in public and make them feel ashamed, the more they feel that their reputation has been damaged, the less they will care about protecting their reputation. "Some people think that American parents are less caring about their children. Whether the respect is too much, it turns out that children who are well respected by their parents are mostly very cooperative with their parents. They are friendly and polite, do not feel awkward when talking to adults, and have a strong sense of self-independence. Child psychologists believe that these are good responses for children to receive the respect they deserve.
Looking back at China, under the background of relatively scarce educational resources and a national system, it is indeed not an easy task to reverse the situation and change the status quo in a short period of time. Although it is similar to "examination-oriented education" The opposite "quality education" has become a popular slogan and advertising slogan in contemporary educational institutions. The times require high-quality education for citizens, and the country needs high-quality citizens. Parents also hope that their children will break out of the current dilemma and cycle of exam-oriented education.
American children’s education rules worth learning from
First, the law of belonging: ensuring that children grow up in a healthy family environment;
This seems to be self-evident By the way, which parent doesn’t want to create a healthy environment for their children? But in fact, this is not always the case. Some parents have this intention but don’t know how to do it. For example, over-indulging, pampering and submissive children, letting them eat and play blindly, not exercising or working, develop unhealthy living habits. When children become indolent or indulge in certain hobbies (such as video games), the culprit is mostly the instigation of their parents.
Conflicts and frequent quarrels between parents are also a very abnormal and unhealthy environment. If parents beat and scold their children, it is considered abuse and is extremely detrimental to the child's physical and mental health. Broken families and long-term separation families make children lack a sense of belonging. If family changes are unavoidable, parents should use positive and healthy methods to comfort and guide their children, and should not take extreme measures such as neglecting discipline, doting, or being overly strict, and they should not take anger out on their children because of the breakdown of the family.
2. The Law of Hope: Always let children see hope;
Parents place hope on their children, but do they always use positive words of encouragement to let children see hope? , do you think you really have hope? If you are a parent who likes to shout to your children: "Why are you so stupid?" "You are so worthless?" Think about it, will you see hope?
Everyone knows that Americans are good at saying nice things, especially to children. No matter what they do, they often praise them and say: "Good Job" )", "Great", "You are such a genius" and so on. This is using the Law of Hope to positively motivate your children. Chinese parents have high expectations for their children, but they are not good at using the Law of Hope. Instead, they love to find gaps and find faults. If their children get 95 points, they still insist on finding out why they lost 5 points. Such high standards and strict requirements may be counterproductive, killing many of the children's hopes and discouraging them.
Third, the law of strength: Never compete with children;
Adults are always stronger than children, whether they are competing for physical strength or intelligence and experience, otherwise they will eat more years. Isn’t the solid food eaten in vain? Therefore, the competition between adults and children is inherently unequal, and victory is not honorable. Of course, adults can compete with children in some specific events that they are good at, such as playing chess, etc., but the goal should not be to win or lose entirely. Parents, teachers, and adults who have a close relationship with their children should not use methods such as getting angry or competing with children to stimulate them. For children who are in an immature stage of psychology and emotions, the "stimulation method" is inappropriate.
If children quarrel with adults, adults should take the initiative to reconcile with them no matter who is right. Adults must also have the courage to admit their mistakes, especially for children, and they must apologize and admit their mistakes in a timely manner. If parents know their mistakes and refuse to correct them or admit them, they feel it is embarrassing to admit their mistakes in front of their children, which will also make their children learn to be stubborn.
Fourth, management rules: before the child reaches adulthood, it is the responsibility of the parents to control them;
"If the son does not teach, it is the father's fault" is common everywhere. Underage children have immature self-control, so parents must take responsibility for their control. However, this kind of control should be full of affection, humaneness, science and rationality, and children should not be treated as private property to be repaired and manipulated at will. Nor should you use simple and rude commands, without taking into account or respecting the child's ideas and personality.
On the other hand, underage children regard their parents as their support. Reasonable discipline and care will make children feel safe and supported, and they will turn to their parents for help when encountering problems or crises. If parents are usually too receptive to their children's affairs (academic studies, performance, hobbies, etc.), it seems that they are giving their children more freedom, but the children will feel that the parents "don't care" about them and become alienated.
5. The Law of Voice: Listen to their voices;
Treat children equally, give them the right to speak, and listen to their voices, so that they will speak their true thoughts. If adults do not respect children's ideas and ignore their voices, over time, they will not dare to tell the truth to their parents and will not like to communicate with their parents. Moreover, parents are their children's teachers and role models. If parents do not listen patiently to their children, their children will follow suit and refuse to listen to adults, and may not even know how to respect others. For young children, adults should talk to them patiently even if they don't understand what they say. Any behavior that rudely interrupts or ridicules their speech will be harmful to children. It may affect their ability to express themselves and make them shy to speak in front of others. On the contrary, it may also make children have to interrupt inappropriately to attract the attention of adults.
Sixth, the law of example: teaching by words and deeds has a huge role model for children;
"Lead by example and teach by words and deeds" is universally applicable. It is extremely important for parents to be careful about their words and deeds. Most of their children's upbringing, interests, hobbies, etc. are influenced by the environment in which they grow up. Parents, older siblings, relatives and friends, teachers, social relationships, etc. all have an impact on children. The influence of mothers on girls and fathers on boys is quite important. If both parents are not present or if parents and children are separated for too long, it is obviously detrimental to the growth of the child. The more than ten rules here can actually be instilled in future generations through words and deeds.
In addition to role models within the family, we should also pay attention to the impact of social relationships and frequent occasions on children, so parents should be careful when making friends. For teenagers, peers have more influence than parents, and the kind of friends they make often determine a person's life path. Parents should also pay attention to the media, movies and TV shows that their children like to watch, and understand what their idols are like. If you find that your children have made bad friends by mistake, do not arbitrarily stop them from interacting with each other, but understand the situation. Children all need friendship and are afraid of being alone. Some children have no friends because they have moved to a new environment, or Chinese children are discriminated against by whites and associate with some "marginal children". Parents should still be grateful to these "friends" for helping their children cope with loneliness, but they should also let their children recognize their strengths and weaknesses and try to influence them positively. In addition, parents should find and expand new healthy friendship circles for their children. Parents should find ways to get to know their children's teachers and classmates' parents, and encourage their children to participate in healthy activities inside and outside school.
7. The rule of seeking common ground while reserving differences: respect children’s views on the world and try to understand them;
Children and adults often have different views, and they will have many unconventional fantasies. In fact, these are the cuteness of children's innocence. If adults think that children's ideas are strange and throw cold water on them, it will stifle their imagination and curiosity, and also make them disappointed because they cannot understand.
On the other hand, many times, innocent children have objective views and dare to tell the truth. Children's words are unbridled.
It is necessary to combine the "Law of Sound" to encourage children to dare to express and positively affirm their ideas. Of course, if some opinions and statements are out of touch with reality or may cause trouble, you must explain them patiently. Children with immature thoughts and ways of thinking are often unable to think in multiple directions and will only continue their own ideas, so they do not consider things thoroughly. Parents should understand the characteristics of children's thinking as much as possible. They can use the method of breaking down complex things and simplifying them, and explain to them or solicit their opinions in batches. All matters related to the children themselves, such as moving to another school, choosing extracurricular activities, participating in exams and competitions, etc., must be discussed and explained to the children in advance. Even if the children's opinions cannot be fully followed, they must feel that their parents have solicited their opinions. . Otherwise, parents' good intentions may not be rewarded.
8. Punishment rule: This rule can easily make children rebellious and retaliatory, so use it with caution;
Simple punishment, especially corporal punishment, is a very negative and poor way of education. , is also uncivilized. Many children who have been violently punished since childhood will also tend to make huge profits when they grow up. Therefore, the use of punitive methods is not recommended. But it is not impossible to criticize children, and you can also use appropriate methods to punish them. But the premise is that the child must realize that he has done something wrong and be willing to accept the punishment so that he will not be the same again. The method of punishment must also be reasonable. You can prevent them from doing the things they like, for example, you can punish them by not allowing them to watch TV or play games online for a few days. However, you must not deprive your children of food or make them stand for several hours. Beating and scolding is even illegal.
In addition, because even children know that punishment is negative, never take some positive things that should be done as punishment. For example, punishing children to work will make them think that labor is a bad thing and create disgust. There was a Chinese parent who felt that his young daughter refused to sleep, so he punished her by writing fifty Chinese characters or doing ten arithmetic problems. The child was forced to doze off when she was forced to do homework, so she was punished by forcing her to go to bed again. This may temporarily achieve the purpose of letting her sleep, but it will make the child regard doing homework and sleeping as a form of punishment. Once he does these things, he will feel like he is being punished, causing a psychological shadow. Then he will still like to write Chinese in the future. Doing arithmetic? Even sleep can be disrupted.
9. The Law of Consequences: Let children understand the possible consequences of their actions;
Sometimes, children get into trouble or want to do something unconventional, and even adults don’t do it. Of course, it is unconvincing to accuse or stop children without knowing the consequences and harms. In order to educate children to be convinced, parents, teachers and other adults must first think carefully about the causes and consequences of everything, and then have a good talk with the children. You can start with the good and bad consequences, and in turn explain whether they should do this or not. Xiaozhi Reason, the child will understand.
In fact, the consequences are not all negative. Adults have more experience than children and should be more predictable. For example, when guiding their children to choose areas of interest or apply for schools, parents can do some research on the prospects and encourage their children to develop in what direction based on their characteristics. However, if you don’t analyze and think through your own brain, just following the crowd and following what the fashionistas say is not an effective method of analyzing consequences, and will often delay your children.
10. Structural Law: Teach children to understand the boundaries between morality and law from an early age;
Law is the guarantee for the stability of social structure. To implement this "structural regulation", I think it is more important for new immigrant parents to educate themselves first. Because in a legal society like the United States, it is not too difficult to educate children to do this. Legal education is integrated into social life and school education. Children have been influenced in all aspects since they were young, and they have a moral and legal bottom line in their hearts. , and often affects parents in turn. Some people may think that the United States is very open, but in fact, most Americans do not go beyond the bottom line when it comes to moral feelings, family responsibilities, sexual behavior, etc., and few people commit corruption and break the law because they help relatives and friends in social relations. Because they have principles in their hearts and know that crossing the line is a crime, and they cannot break the law just to accommodate their relatives.
However, because Chinese society does not have such a strict legal concept, Chinese parents need to check whether their words and deeds exceed these bottom lines. If they cannot set an example for their children to abide by the law, then their children will also He has no authority and behaves lawlessly and without rules. A Chinese parent once complained that his daughter in high school had become a "problem girl" who skipped school and home. When I heard this parent bragging in front of his children about his "glorious achievements" such as how he brought banned items into the United States, I couldn't help but wonder. Wondering why her child flouted school rules. Many behaviors that are regarded as "skills" in China are against the law or moral bottom line in the United States.
Eleven, twenty yards rule: Respect your child’s independent tendencies and keep at least twenty yards away from them;
This “twenty yards” is a symbol, showing that Americans pay attention to Cultivate children's independence from an early age and give them psychological space. Parents don't have to surround their children everywhere. You think you care about them, but the children think the parents are too controlling. Children should also be allowed to maintain their own privacy and have their own initiative and decision-making rights. Of course, parents still have to watch from 20 yards away and be ready to cut in at any time, and cannot run away 200 yards or 200 miles away and give up.
Parents should pay attention to the big aspects when managing and disciplining their children, especially according to the age of the child. Young children may need more specific and detailed guidance in life and studies, but they should also be given the opportunity to exercise their independence. Children who have entered adolescence are most annoyed by their parents' detailed inquiries and nagging. Children of this age do not like to talk to others, but it does not mean that they do not hear what their parents say. Therefore, parents should not repeat something endlessly until they respond, as this will arouse the child's disgust. You can tell your children in advance that no matter whether it is good or bad, you will only say it once. If you don't listen and delay, it is your own responsibility. Instead of becoming a nagging parent who is annoyed by a "teenager", it is better to go out of your way to make them delay once or twice in exchange for a lesson.
Twelve, four W rules: Know who your children are with at all times (who), where they are (where), what they are doing (what), and when they will go home (when) .
Some parents seem to worry a lot about their children, but they don’t know their children’s flaws. This is not a good parent. Only when all the above rules are fulfilled can children be willing to tell the truth to their parents and parents can understand these W's. Some parents are willing to spend money to send their children to expensive private boarding schools. In addition to academic considerations, they also believe that strictly managed private schools can give their children a better environment for growth. But parents should also ask themselves about their motives. Are they trying to save trouble by leaving their children completely to the school? With reliable schools to discipline their children, do parents no longer have to worry about these things? In fact, education and training The process of a child is also a process of learning and growth for parents. If children leave home for boarding too early, parents will lose such a hard but very interesting life opportunity. Even if their children go to boarding school and are disciplined by teachers, parents still must not forget their responsibilities and must still understand these W's at all times.
The seven taboo words that Americans use to educate their children are as follows:
1. Exaggeration, such as "You are the most beautiful girl in the world" and so on. As children grow older, they will gradually recognize that there is moisture in your words, so when they grow up, they will also be suspicious of other people's compliments. In addition, children who are accustomed to hearing exaggerated praise from their parents often can only listen to good words but not negative opinions when they enter society.
2. Personal attacks such as "You are as fat as a pig" etc. Even children with low intelligence can appreciate the "malice" contained in such words, and their souls will be greatly harmed. In addition, young children may believe it and give up on themselves, eventually losing their self-esteem and self-confidence.
3. Threats and intimidations such as "I will beat you if you don't do your homework well", etc. This kind of bluff intimidation will cause children to lose their closeness and trust in their parents.
4. Cold as ice, such as "Can't you see I'm busy?" etc.
The subtext the children hear from these words is: adults don't care about what I do, and they don't regard me as their darling.
5. Being condescending, such as "You have to listen even if you don't want to", etc. If the parents are always "above and above", the children will not be mentally balanced when receiving criticism. In this way, even if your criticism is 100% correct, the children will react verbally and heartily with dissatisfaction.
6. Sarcastic remarks such as "Do you think you are very capable?" etc. What children, especially young children, fear most is ridicule from their parents. Even though you may say these words with a sense of humor, know that it is very difficult for "little ones" to understand correctly.
7. Absolute negation such as "You always lie" etc. It is true that criticism is also a way to educate children, but if you say "absolutely", it may trigger the child's rebellious psychology, leading to the ultimate refusal to accept this kind of critical education.
We can learn from how American parents educate their children.