The word "friendliness" should be split into two parts: "Friends" means friendliness, showing friendliness, which is a behavioral requirement and a superficial phenomenon; and "kindness" means kindness and good intentions. This is a psychological requirement and an inner attitude. If you only emphasize superficial friendliness and ignore the true feelings in the heart, it will easily become hypocritical; and if you only emphasize internal kindness without talking about how to externalize it in behavior, it will easily lead to misunderstandings. Therefore, "friendliness out of good intentions" is the complete interpretation of the word "friendliness" in interpersonal relationships.

(1) Be friends with others and have kind thoughts

In each of our interpersonal relationships, we will face two types of people - one of which is the one we identify with People who love, value, and value. They are either objectively positive models and outstanding representatives, or subjectively they are congenial, like-minded, and temperamentally consistent with us, or their authority, status, reputation, qualifications and other factors have an important influence on us. And people cannot ignore it. In short, for such a group of people, everyone will instinctively treat each other with a friendly attitude. Let us call this group a group of people with positive relationships in our interpersonal interactions.

For people with positive relationships, it is natural to be friendly to others, so what we need to reflect on at this time is: when facing these important people, is the friendliness we show truly out of good intentions? Is it easy? What is not easy is to be friendly on the outside. What is not easy is whether the inner kindness can be consistent with the outer behavior: will we be inconsistent on the surface because of accommodation? Will we speak too much out of flattery? Will we speak insincerely out of obedience? Will you violate the authority out of authority? At this time, it is particularly important to trace the inner starting point of this friendly expression.

There is a clear discussion in "The Analects" about people who have different intentions but are friends on the surface. Confucius proposed "three friends who benefit people" and "three friends who harm people": There are three kinds of friends who are beneficial to people. , the characteristics of a beneficial friend are "uprightness, friendliness, and well-informed friendship", that is, a friend with integrity, a friend with integrity, a friend with a blog and a broad mind; there are also three types of friends who are harmful to people, and the characteristics of a harmful friend are "friendship" Friendly, kind and gentle, friend is sycophantic." That is, a friend who flatters and flatters blindly, a friend who flatters on the surface but slanders behind his back, a friend who always talks sweetly but what he says is untrue.

Confucius has seen clearly more than two thousand years ago whether we are friends on the surface, but whether we are sincere and well-intentioned in our hearts. However, when we are among friends, when we are friends of others, When I was there, I was often confused and confused. A friendly attitude, a cheerful face, and a pleasant smile often blur the boundaries between sincerity and exaggeration, and cover up the true nature and ulterior motives. In fact, a kind of greeting may have become a habit of social humiliation. It seems that the appearance of harmony is the friendly relationship we pursue. However, do we really dare to ask, after all the glitz is gone, how many friends still live in our hearts? How many people can we stay in their hearts?

So Zeng Shen, a disciple of Confucius, understood After the teacher's instruction, he began to examine himself many times a day and questioned his own heart. He said, "I examine myself three times a day - have I been unfaithful in seeking others? Have I not believed in my friends? Have I not been accustomed to spreading the word?" He said many times a day. Reflect on yourself and ask yourself: Have I been disloyal to others when doing things for others? Have I been disloyal to others in my interactions with friends? Have I not put into practice enough the knowledge I have learned? In traditional culture, and Don’t pursue flashy friends with a large gathering of friends and a bustling family, which are easy to get together and disperse; what Chinese culture pursues is the friendship between gentlemen, who treat others with sincerity and goodwill as before.

So when we, as leaders, call friends and have fun, and when we, as subordinates, gather in groups and watch the moon, can we answer calmly, ourselves and others? Are friendly interactions with good intentions and without evil thoughts?

Zhuge Liang said in "On Friendship": "Snobbish friendships cannot last far. When scholars know each other, warmth will not increase, and coldness will not increase. Changing the leaves will last for four seasons, and it will become stronger despite the risks. "Associations based on snobbery cannot last long and cannot be stable." The preciousness of the friendship between gentlemen is like an evergreen tree. In warm and prosperous times, there is no need to deliberately add flowers and branches to the cake. In cold adversity, it will not turn to other places or add insult to injury. It can survive in any season. tested, and become stronger in times of trouble.

So, in the word "friendliness", the importance of "kindness" is like the foundation of an evergreen tree, prompting the growth of friendly green leaves and flowers on the ground. However, the flowers and leaves are all It's just a beautiful appearance, goodwill is the basis for the longevity of this tree. The appearance of flowers blooming and falling can be allowed to take its course, but the rock-solid kindness cannot be changed.

"Mencius" said: "The most important thing for a gentleman is to be kind to others." Being kind to others is the highest virtue of a gentleman. Only by being kind to others can we be friendly.

(2) Be kind to others and give people opportunities

For people with positive relationships, while showing friendliness, we must pay attention to whether our intentions are sincere and kind. And for those people we don’t agree with, don’t like, and don’t care about, such as people who have different opinions and ambitions from us, or people whose academic level, job achievements, quality of life, and even moral character are lower than ourselves. , we often neglect, belittle, or be negligent. What's more, we will speak harshly to each other and use the same force as fire and water. There are such groups of people in everyone's life, and most of the people we meet every day are this group, such as strangers, acquaintances, people with low status, people with low quality, and this kind of group. The intersection of people actually constitutes our ubiquitous communication space. Let us call this type of interpersonal group the non-positive relationship group in life. They are not people we have a strong initiative to interact with, understand, and be friendly to each other.

However, any kind of group of people and any kind of interaction are part of our lives that we must face. If we treat this part with a negative attitude, a lazy attitude, and a rude attitude , then this kind of negativity, indifference, and rudeness first form a part of our own life as a whole, and have already dispelled the friendliness of life to ourselves. Therefore, whether one can maintain rational friendliness when facing people with whom he or she has no positive relationship truly reflects a person's cultivation.

As for how to achieve this level of cultivation, we can open the Analects of Confucius to find the answer. One of the most practical guiding significances of "The Analects" for how to behave in life is that it puts forward the concept of "loyalty and forgiveness". In the Analects of Confucius, there is such a dialogue that has lasted for thousands of years:

Confucius said: "Can you! My Tao is consistent." Zengzi said: "Only." When Confucius left, a disciple asked: "What is it? ?" Zengzi said: "The way of the Master is only loyalty and forgiveness." Confucius preached to Zeng Shen and told him: All my theories are run through by one basic idea. Zeng Shen accepted it, but other students did not understand the reason and asked him for advice one after another. Zeng Shen sighed to everyone: The teacher's teaching is the word "loyalty and forgiveness".

Zeng Shen was an extremely talented disciple of Confucius. His dialogue with Confucius was like Buddha holding flowers and Kassapa smiling, understanding and being taught without words. Later, Zengzi did indeed carry forward Buddhism just like Kassapa, and became a generation of "sage" who inherited and further developed Confucius's Confucian thoughts. This principle of "loyalty and forgiveness" that he and Confucius refined and summarized in one question and one answer also provided the disciples of Confucius and the gentlemen of the world with a golden rule to act accordingly.

"Loyalty" means to treat others as you would like to treat yourself. As the saying goes, "If you want to be established, you can establish others, and if you want to be established, you can achieve others." If you want to be established, you must also enable others. To be able to stand, I want to make it work for myself, but also to make it work for others, that is, to do my best and to be loyal to others; and "forgiveness" is like the heart of others, to think from others' perspective, not only to do my best What you want, you can also think about what others think, that is, "don't do to others what you don't want others to do to you." You can compare your heart to your heart. Another student of Confucius, Zigong, asked his teacher: Is there one word that can be used as a lifelong motto? Confucius replied affirmatively: "Forgiveness." This word "forgiveness" is the most important guiding ideology that can be followed for life. .

Measured by the standard of "loyalty and forgiveness", when we face people who are inferior to ourselves, can we consider and understand from the other person's point of view, forgive and tolerate, and still be friendly without hesitation? For example, when we enter the entrance hall and pass by the security guard, can we say a non-cold greeting? When we receive express delivery or receive mail, can we say a non-cold thank you? When we purchase services and enjoy care, Can we keep a smile that is not cold? When we are in the same place as the elevator or passers-by, can we give a nod that is not rude when our eyes meet?...

And when facing those who are in the same place, Can we now confidently attack, be hostile to, or hurt people who have made mistakes or had conflicts with us in the past? Confucius's one-word teaching tells us that "forgiveness" means "do not do what you do not want others to do." "Zengguang Xianwen" tells us, "Rebuke yourself with the same mind that blames others, and forgive others with the same mind that forgives yourself." "Zuo Zhuan" also tells us, "No one has any faults, but they can be corrected. "There is no such thing as kindness" - whether we can encourage others to be kind, whether we can promote relationships to become good friends, whether we can help ourselves to be kind-hearted, starts from the friendly attitude we uphold with a rational heart and kind wishes.

So, being friendly is not only about being friends with others and having kind thoughts, but also about being kind to others and giving people opportunities.

(3) Be friends with yourself and be kind first

Friendliness is not only an attitude towards others and the external world, but also an attitude towards yourself and your inner soul. kind of spirit. A person who cannot first be friends with himself and cannot be kind-hearted cannot handle friendly relationships with others and society.

That's why it is said in "The Doctrine of the Mean" that "a gentleman should be careful of his independence" and "be careful of his independence". This is an important self-alertness in Chinese culture. A person's mental state and behavioral state when he is alone are the source from which he spreads out and faces the world.

A person who can enrich himself, enjoy solitude, reflect on his heart, and clearly understand his strengths and weaknesses is a person with independent personality. He will not make friends with fair-weather friends without distinction because of fear of loneliness. They will not follow others' opinions and blindly follow the crowd because they lack independent opinions. They will not be impetuous and careless and enjoy picking fights and troubles because they have nothing to do. They will not be swayed by others and follow the crowd because of their uncertain beliefs. Therefore, Zhuge Liang said in "The Book of Commandments": "Without indifference, there is no clear ambition; without tranquility, there is no far-reaching goal." Being indifferent and tranquil means being able to be a gentleman, being cautious in being alone, and being able to be friends with yourself; being clear and far-reaching means being able to respect yourself and others, and be able to communicate with others. Socially Friendly Advantages.

So, first of all, cultivate a heart with always kind thoughts, be able to be friends with yourself, and be able to talk about your own gains and losses, and then you can be able to be in the society no matter how the ideas are impacted and no matter how the situation changes. Never forget your original intention, never lose your true nature, be friendly to others, and behave in a friendly manner.

"Guanzi" says, "Those who are kind will be kind to others", and "Laozi" says, "The way of heaven is not related to good people, but is always with good people" - if we feel that this society is not friendly enough, then it shows that as a society, We, as a group, are not friendly enough to this society. When we use our kindness to light up ourselves and our surroundings, it is the beginning of "a single spark can start a prairie fire".