How to get along with others? "Harmony without uniformity" is the motto of Confucius

Confucianism, which emphasizes "benevolence, love, etiquette and music", also continues its consistent views on friendship.

A gentleman uses articles and knowledge to make friends, and uses friends to help cultivate benevolence.

Friends can learn from each other to improve themselves. Make progress together in the cultivation of benevolence, rather than improve your own virtue.

So how exactly should we use "benevolence" to make friends?

The spirit of humanity is the consistent spirit of primitive Confucianism.

The "loyalty" and "forgiveness" mentioned by Confucius in "The Analects" mean that understanding and communication between people are first of all based on caring, friendship and kindness to others.

It is precisely guided by this kind of begging for communication that Confucius regarded making friends as the greatest happiness in life:

Confucius opposed malicious speculation about others, and advocated "Seeing kindness is like Not as good as", encouraging the subjects of communication to accept each other with a kind heart and an open mind.

But Confucius is not an unprincipled "benevolence", but a "benevolence" with a stand and distinction:

Everyone hopes that others will do more than themselves. Just selfish. A gentleman should demand more of himself and less of others, be strict with himself and be lenient to others, so that he can stay away from resentment.

Narrow-minded people always put self-interest first, so they cannot tolerate any loss, compete for fame and fortune, and do not pay attention to pay but only pay attention to reward.

Only those who are broad-minded and kind-hearted can not be self-interested but only benefit others, consider others wholeheartedly, and always reflect on whether they have crossed the moral boundary and whether they have done anything good for others.

Confucius has a strict distinction between good and evil. He does not advocate using kindness to repay hatred, but should use integrity to repay hatred and kindness to repay kindness.

Confucianism has a bit of a chivalrous spirit. If you punch me, I will kick you back; if you treat me badly, I will ignore you. This is very straightforward! ... Right and wrong, Good, good, and evil. What is good to me should be good to others, and what is bad to me should be ignored. This is the thought of Confucius. He advocated distinguishing between right and wrong.

"Repaying evil with kindness" shows people's "good" mentality to a certain extent, but "repaying evil with kindness" confuses the standard of judgment of right and wrong. If it is a minor complaint, of course you can repay it with kindness. For example, if there are some minor misunderstandings between friends, you might as well be more tolerant and detached.

"Repaying grievances with straightness" means maintaining the efficiency and dignity of life with one's own justice and integrity, and treating other people's grievances with an upright heart and upright behavior. This reflects the Confucian principles and tolerance. Heart.

A gentleman does not choose a person because his words are desirable, nor reject a person's words just because he is undesirable. Treat people objectively and fairly.

When recommending people, we must focus on actual performance, and we must not generalize or overgeneralize. We must not favor those who are good at words but have no practice, and we must not abandon a person's usefulness just because he has shortcomings. advice.

As emotional animals, it is very difficult for humans to see people and things without wearing colored glasses.

People who can deal with the situation rather than the person will not insist on helping or appointing someone just because they are close to them, nor will they completely deny the other person because they have conflicts with themselves or have a distant relationship with them.

This is also very instructive for leaders to select talents.

Honest communication includes the intention of equal communication. Confucius applied the sincere virtue of "faith" to communication activities.

First of all, friends should be honest and trustworthy, that is:

Since "trust" is the foundation of being a human being, then when communicating between subjects, they need:

Examine each other’s honesty and trustworthiness in words and actions.

This idea of ??cultivating the virtue of integrity through introspection and self-denial undoubtedly points honest communication to the voyage of self-discipline and self-consciousness, thus highlighting the importance of influencing others through oneself.

The goal of primitive Confucianism in pursuing friendly and honest interactions is to achieve a harmonious and perfect ideal state among communicating subjects.

However, they have strict selection criteria on how to maintain the independence of the subjects of communication in their interactions without turning it into sectarian activities that form parties for personal gain. Confucius was the first to put forward the principle of "harmony without uniformity" .

Guided by this principle, we first carefully thought about what kind of people to choose as partners:

People without kindness cannot live in poverty for a long time. Nor can one remain in peace and happiness for a long time.

A virtuous person is at peace with practicing the spirit of loving-kindness for a long time. A wise person realizes that benevolence has long-term benefits for him and practices benevolence.

People without benevolence will become more degenerate if they remain in poverty or happiness for a long time. Only benevolent people can be content with benevolence, and only wise people can be benevolent. With the heart of benevolence, one can remain determined and maintain integrity in any environment.

A gentleman should stay close to people who are loyal and trustworthy, and should not make friends with people who are inferior to him. When you encounter a mistake, you should face it head-on, do not hide it, and correct it bravely.

We must pay attention to learning, be good at making friends, and focus on learning from friends who are better than themselves, so as to continuously improve and perfect themselves.

Confucius regarded "benevolence" as the standard and did not approve of interacting with anyone.

Secondly, primitive Confucianism also adhered to the principle of "harmony without difference" and opposed reducing communication to partisan activities.

In this regard, Confucius, in addition to declaring "harmony without uniformity" in an almost edict, also said:

Although the communication activities between subjects should implement the principles of treating others well and honestly, This does not mean that he or I can give up their own will and position and rely on others, or even turn communication into an activity of clique and selfishness.

How can we control communication within ideal boundaries?

The original Confucianism advocated the implementation of the principle of "gold mean".

In this case, "golden mean" is the universal principle and method for dealing with various issues including communication.

Confucius used this as a guide to determine the reasonableness of communication. Sexual issues.

Yanzi is good at making friends with others. The longer the relationship lasts, the more others respect him. It illustrates Yanzi's strong and lasting personality charm.

It is not easy for Yanzi to make friends with others. If he makes a friend, he will do it all the time.

"Respect" means keeping a distance, which means preventing excessive intimacy. Friendship cannot be overdrawn, always retain some of it.

If you serve the emperor in a complicated manner, you will be humiliated; if you keep in touch with your friends, you will be alienated.

Whether it is a distant monarch or a close friend, only distance can produce beauty.

If the relationship is too close, there will be no sense of mystery or freshness, and it is easy to see more shortcomings, but will be disliked by the other party.

Being able to make others respect you for a long time is a sign of a person who is good at communicating.