Three unfortunate states in marriage and love relationships

The first is the "pleasure state"

People in this state always feel that they are not good enough and the other person When emotional problems arise, he will feel that he is not doing the right thing and live excessively in self-reflection. Most of the time, he will choose to sacrifice his own feelings to satisfy the other person. In this state, although Kai Jian was trying to please him in behavior, he was actually very dissatisfied on the inside.

The second is the "blame state"

People in this state always pass the responsibility to the other party. All the faults are the other party's fault, and they can take the blame themselves. Always right. Ignore the other person's feelings and habitually use a strong stance to PUA the other person. On the surface, this state looks very impressive, but in fact, it also contains worries.

The third type is "over-rational"

This is the other extreme. Many men are over-rational. They use quotations from scriptures and lists of data to prove their own practices and outlook on life. Sun gets some. They are unwilling to touch emotions and appear cold and unreasonable. This state is far from happiness.

How to get out of these three unfortunate states? The famous family psychotherapist Virginia Satir proposed the "Consistent Communication Style". In this communication model, on the one hand, you must take care of the other party's feelings, on the other hand, you must express your own feelings, and on the basis of the connection between the feelings of both parties, solutions to the problem can be discussed equally.

When encountering problems and frictions in a marriage relationship, generally speaking, it cannot be the responsibility of only one party. The reason why the consistent communication model is effective is that it does not assign responsibility like the flattering state does. Putting it all on yourself and aggrieving yourself: At the same time, you avoid pushing the responsibility solely to the other party like the blaming state; and you are not like the overly rational person who only talks about reason and ignores feelings and emotions. Instead, it effectively avoids the disadvantages of the three and finds a consistent solution.

Only by consistently resolving the feelings and mentality issues of both parties first, and then resolving the situation, can we truly achieve harmony in the emotional relationship. In other words, we must pursue "you are good, I am good, and the relationship is good." A win-win situation. Many of those who choose to divorce and then find a partner, but end up unhappy, do not realize that there is something wrong with their status and communication.

Extended to this, in fact, the same is true for solving any relationship problems. First sort out the status of both parties, and then use a consistent communication mode to break the previous unhealthy status and reshape the harmonious relationship.