(This article is reproduced)
Since kindergarten, everyone has some principles for choosing friends-although they don't know it.
In fact, the unbalanced distribution of resources will inevitably lead to some dependence between people.
Through observation, we can see the fact that children with more toys in kindergartens are more likely to be regarded as friends by other children. So, who has the most toys and friends? The answer is no. If you, like me, have the opportunity and are willing to spend more time talking with the child who has the most toys, you will soon find that in his mind, like all adults, friends are divided into "real friends" and "ordinary friends". Let's call the child with the most toys "Xiao Qiang".
I am curious and wait patiently for Xiao Qiang to tell me who his "true friends" are. Finally, he told me that there are only two real friends. One of them is a boy and the other is a girl. Then I asked him, "Why do you think that boy is your real friend?" Xiao Qiang told me without hesitation, "He never steals my toys. He exchanged with me. " I asked him again, "Then why do you think that girl is your real friend?" This time Xiao Qiang hesitated for a long time. After making sure that I would keep his secret, he stammered, "She looks good. I gave her all the new toys first ... "I smiled. After a while, I asked him, "Does she think you look good? Xiao Qiang paused, his eyes full of innocence. I don't know ... "I asked again," Whose toy is she holding now? "Xiao Qiang suddenly looked very nervous." It's not mine. "I decided not to ask the little girl any more questions.
For various reasons, only a few people in life are the friends that most people want to make. But for various reasons, most people don't know how those people understand most people's behavior. Just now, Xiao Qiang said that his "true friends" never "robbed" his toys, but "changed". Pay attention to these two words.
The so-called "scheming" is not discussed here. It is true that some people have deep talents, at least deeper than others, and can achieve their goals by means that ordinary people can't think of, even if they can think of them. Only the most common cases are discussed here.
All people like, value and even prefer a kind of exchange, "fair exchange".
Xiao Qiang may not realize that the number of toys he owns, from the perspective of probability, makes it difficult for him to meet a "fair exchange", because most children don't have many toys, or even no toys at all, so those children actually have no chance or ability to "fair exchange" with him. For him, unfair exchange is equivalent to "robbery", and no one likes to be robbed. The boy he "changed" with made Xiao Qiang feel fair. Xiao Qiang also has something he wants but doesn't have, so he will "change" instead of "rob" because he doesn't like being robbed himself. ...
In a sense, although most people don't want to admit it, their so-called "friendship" is actually just "exchange relationship". But if you don't have enough resources, you are more likely to become a "requester", unable to achieve "fair exchange" and eventually become a burden to the other party.
At this time, the so-called "friendship" will slowly die out. Sometimes it will last, but it is more likely that the other party is patiently waiting for the next exchange in order to achieve "fairness". In the movie Godfather, the coffin shop owner Amerigo. When Bonasera was determined to take it out on his godfather Corleone and get justice for his daughter, Amerigo was the "supplicant". Many years later, godfather Corleone finally knocked on the door of Amerigo in the middle of the night. ...
Therefore, it is conceivable that people with more resources are more inclined and more likely to exchange with another person with the same amount of resources or the same quality resources. Because, in this case, "fair trade" is easier to produce.
In fact, such examples can be seen everywhere in life. Even on campus, the nature of "exchange" is not so obvious, but the behavior of the same nature is not uncommon. For example, a talent recognized by one department will accidentally meet a talent recognized by another department and then become a "best friend". The so-called "great minds think alike" may be the reason why they hit it off, so their conversation and any other activities often make them feel very "speculative" with each other.
Many years ago, I noticed a phenomenon. When others ask me for help, I often resist, but I am afraid that others will call me a so-called "boring person", so I crustily skin of head and do something I don't like. Once, when I was particularly injured, I suddenly had a flash of light. I wanted to understand that this embarrassment did not come from my lack of "helpful" nature, but from my own energy, which was not strong enough to handle my own affairs, and I still had a lot of time and energy to help others do things-in fact, I was a clay idol crossing the river. Later, I began to wonder if Lei Feng's leader was too stupid, because he didn't assign enough work to his subordinates. This was a very pleasant surprise for me that night, because I found myself thinking independently.
Admitting that one's ability is limited is the premise of mental health. From the day I reflected on Lei Feng's leadership, I studied hard how to do what I can. Funnily enough, my IQ is so limited, I didn't expect that "doing what you can" is such a difficult behavior mode-
1, admit that your ability is limited;
2. Not afraid to make a fool of yourself in front of others;
3. I dare not prove that I am a "good man" ...
In most cases, excellent talents have effective contacts.
Therefore, only excellent people often have effective contacts. It is precisely because these people may want to avoid the attempt of "unfair exchange" anytime and anywhere, so they pay more attention to their own quality and know that it is a virtue not to cause trouble to others. As the saying goes, "keeping old friends in trouble" is a very accurate observation.
Those who are not excellent often don't know this seemingly simple truth, or even realize that their situation can only make them play the role of "catcher"; Then turn every "exchange" into an "unfair exchange", which makes it easier for the exchange to fail-because no one likes "unfair exchange"; Every time the exchange fails, it will further cause its own losses, so that its resources will be reduced either in quantity or in quality, which will further make it more likely to become a vicious circle of "takers" and may even never turn over.
There are still some people who are too eager to establish so-called contacts and completely ignore their own situation. For this kind of people, people often use some special words to describe them, such as "flattery", "buttering up", "bullying the weak" and even "abusing power for personal gain". Such people often don't do it on purpose. They only vaguely realize that their own strength is too small, so they hope to use other forces. And the smaller the person, the stronger the desire.
Generally speaking, connections are of course very important. However, for an individual, what is more important is the resources he has. Some resources, such as money, status and reputation, are difficult to obtain instantly, especially in the real world where the acquisition of these resources depends more on birth and luck. However, some resources can easily start from scratch, such as a person's talent and knowledge. Talent or learning is something that can be obtained through hard work.
Once a person's mental ability is turned on normally, in this world where information is readily available, as long as he works hard, has patience and has time to be friends, he will find himself at least an expert in a certain field. Hard work is not as hard as the legend, but "concentrate on studying and working for at least six hours every day"; Patience is far greater than most people think. "The companionship time should be at least five years and twenty years." .
Today, many years later, I found another thing that I couldn't understand or predict many years ago (of course, my IQ is still average, but I am wiser): when a person is surrounded by excellent people, no one asks him for help-because almost all these excellent people around me are ashamed of wasting other people's time, and at the same time, these people are considered excellent just because they can solve problems when they encounter them.
If, at last, one day, you become an expert in a certain field, you will be surprised to find that those so-called efficient contacts with practical value will break in. The people you meet will come from completely different levels and from all kinds of unexpected directions. You are no longer the useless you used to be. You are no longer a "recipient" but a "helpful" person-few people hate well-meaning help, let alone that you are called to help.
Even, you will get unexpected help. If you are an excellent and valuable person, there will be many other excellent and valuable people to help you. At such times, such help is often really "selfless". Just as no doctor is angry just because he pays too little after saving lives, those who are of excellent quality and open-minded to a certain extent can often really "repay kindness without repaying kindness".
Because for them, the opportunity to "test their ideas" is more important than anything else, which can make them happy physically and mentally. However, the really interesting phenomenon is that you must know the truth that "the grace of dripping water is rewarded when the spring pours", because you are not an ordinary person. In the end, everyone is happy, just because "the communication cost is almost zero", and the effect brought by it is naturally "the exchange income is relatively infinitely enlarged". A virtuous circle.
Building yourself is building relationships.
The wisdom of life is to concentrate on changing what can be changed and temporarily ignore what cannot be changed. It is more important than anything to concentrate on building yourself and make yourself an excellent person, a useful person and an independent person. Building yourself is building contacts, if contacts are really as important as they say. In fact, I have always felt that the legend about the success of connections is actually illusory, just an illusion created by people who don't know the truth.
I'm not saying that I don't have to care about anyone around me, or that I don't have to deal with anyone from now on. Being good at communicating with people is also a skill that needs to be studied and spent a lot of time practicing. I just remind you, don't overestimate yourself and mistakenly think that you have so much time to properly handle the relationship with everyone around you. Look at the names in your phone address book. How many have not been in touch for a long time? Over the years, I have only seen two or three people answer me, "I haven't been in touch for more than two weeks at the longest." One of them is a very stubborn and special person. There are only 22 names in his mobile phone address book.
Bi Shumin once mentioned something about himself: ... I took a psychology class by accident. My friend XX has a broken lumbar spine, wears plaster pants and stays in bed for three months. I wrote a line on my calendar: "Call XX once a week." As a doctor, I know that bedridden patients are lonely, and I hope to lie down and chat. Later, according to the reminder on the calendar, I called this person every week, chatting and talking without saying a word. Although I am busy, I will spare a little more time to make her happy. Later, she casually said that Lin Mengping, a psychology professor at the Chinese University of Hong Kong, went to Beijing Normal University to take students ... I asked, can I learn from her? The friend said, I don't know. Later, thanks to that friend, I was able to study psychology, thanks to your broken waist.
In fact, there is only one manifestation of real concern in the end: willingness to spend time on it, even if it is "waste". This is also easy to understand. Because, when you spend time with someone, it is equivalent to pouring a part of your life into him. No matter what the final result is, that person has become a part of your life anyway, whether you like it or not. Everyone's time is limited. So in the end, there are only a few "real good friends".
This is really a topic big enough to write two books. The following are my simple suggestions, which are not easy to practice:
1, concentrate on doing things that can improve yourself;
2. Learn and have more and better skills;
3. Become a person worthy of communication;
4. Learn to be immune to it and regard it as a virtue not to bother others; Win respect with your independence;
5. Unless there are special reasons, try to avoid those who can't even be immune to material life;
6. Those who are not immune to spiritual life should be avoided. Although it is difficult to identify;
7. Really caring about a friend means that you are willing to spend or even waste more time on him;
Remember, a person's happiness often depends on how much he can get rid of dependence on the outside world.