How do I survive until now with severe social fear

When I mention the word social fear, I have already started to feel inexplicably anxious. This is simply tailor-made for me. word.

Social phobia is also called "social anxiety disorder" and is a subcategory of phobias. People with social phobia feel anxious and fearful when exposed in public or social situations. They usually avoid these situations or endure them with great anxiety.

How socially anxious am I now? Every time I find a new job, what I worry about is never the difficulty of the job itself, but how to get along with my colleagues. What I'm most afraid of is that I'm the only newbie. Others have been here for a long time and have integrated in. At this time, I just want to find a crack in the ground and crawl in.

I remember that when I was in Qingdao, I found a customer service job at JD.com. I was the only person who joined the job during this period, and everyone else was already very familiar with it. Although someone took me with me, when I was eating, everyone else We were in groups, and I was the only one who went to eat by myself in despair.

In fact, as long as I say, I will go with you, it will be fine, but this sentence is more difficult for me than reaching the sky.

Let’s talk about the new job I returned to Jinan in 2019. Because the company is very big and many people join the company on the same day, I have friends who are just like me, so I feel good about going to work.

It is extremely easy for many people to integrate into a new group, but I can't do it. Being slow-tempered and fearful of others, it took me a month to gradually integrate into the group of old employees.

There may be many people who don’t understand my behavior and think that I am just idle and think too much. But in fact, social phobia is a disease, a type of neurosis, a mental illness characterized by strong fear or anxiety about any social or public situation.

I don’t know whether it is social fear caused by low self-esteem or low self-esteem caused by social fear. I am more or less a pleaser personality. If others need help, I will spare no effort to help others, even at the expense of myself. Some things, even if they bring troublesome consequences to themselves.

One time that left a deep impression on me was when I joined a college club on a whim right after my freshman year. I got in through a written test and interview. I wanted to enrich myself and learn something.

But I have severe social anxiety and don’t know how to communicate with other members of the club. We need to go on duty every day and sit in the same room with different people every day. This is okay, because as time goes by, we will become familiar with each other.

What hit me the most was that when I was a sophomore, I needed to go to the freshmen to promote things, so I went to my juniors and sisters in the same department. I needed to be among the forty or fifty juniors. When I was promoting the club in front of me, I stuttered and didn’t know what to say, so the senior sister from the club asked me to come down and she finished it.

It was that time that made me feel even more inferior and anxious. When facing many people, when many eyes were focused on me, I never dared to look up at others, nor did I dare to When I speak loudly and I don’t know what to say, the original organized language seems to have been reorganized in my case.

Later, I was kicked out of the group, and yes, it was because of my social fear. Because journalists themselves need to be eloquent, my personality was seriously inconsistent with this society. Since then, I have become even more resistant to such group activities.

When I was a child, I always looked forward to the New Year because I could wear new clothes and eat delicious food. But since the social crisis started, the last thing I wanted to do was celebrate the New Year.

Because there will be many people visiting my house during the Chinese New Year, I always want to hide in the hut and not go out. Even if I really want to go to the toilet, I will wait until they leave before I go. I'm also afraid of visiting relatives. I don't know what to say when I go there. I'm like a robot, answering questions when asked.

When I just graduated, I rented a house with others. Many people would think about building a good relationship with their roommates and sharing delicious food with each other. But my only thought was, if I don’t bother you, don’t come too. bother me.

Now that I have my own house, if I hear my neighbors outside the door before going out, I will always wait for them to enter the house or get off the elevator before I go out, because I don’t want to say hello to others.

My partner has a lot of friends, so there are relatively many dinner parties. His friends who are particularly close to him usually bring his partner out. I used to go with him, but I found that Their partner is the kind who is very outgoing and talkative, and can stir up the atmosphere. I am always passive and can't even eat.

People fear that every bite of food they eat at a party is to relieve their embarrassment and make themselves clearly occupied, so I never felt full at such gatherings.

Later, when his friends suggested that we go on a self-driving trip or go somewhere to play, I would resist it. At first, my partner didn’t understand this kind of behavior and would blame me for not speaking up, but now He finally understood. Even if I didn't say a word, he wouldn't say anything and told me to just eat and have fun.

However, every negation from others will deepen my social fear. The reason why I am becoming more and more socially fearful may be because my parents have told me since I was a child that I should be sweeter outside and dislike me. They love to talk, and the more they talk like this, the more I resist, creating a vicious cycle.

Here, I have to mention one person, which is my high school physics teacher. A short, fat, middle-aged man who reached his peak early, and I still can’t let go of him until now. Speaking of which, it’s my fault. I was obviously better at liberal arts, but ended up switching to science classes because my family said science subjects are easier to find a job.

Being young and ignorant, I believed it and went to the science class. From then on, my nightmare began. My physics was very good when I was in junior high school, because the physics teacher in junior high school was very nice. I always actively answered questions in his class, so when I was in my first year of high school, I took my first physics test. There were more than fifty people in the class. Only a dozen passed, and I was one of them.

But later, because I was too playful and failed to keep up, my physics results were not very satisfactory. As you can imagine, when I went to a science class, I couldn't keep up with anything. My physics teacher loved to curse and hit people, and he had a very loud voice. I was once beaten by him for getting a question wrong. There was no one in the class who was not beaten. If you have been beaten, even if you are ranked first, you will still be beaten if you make a wrong question.

It’s okay to be beaten. What’s too much is that in the third year of high school, the first thing he did before each class was to wake me up and humiliate me. In front of the whole class, he first He talked to me and then lectured, and then he made me stand up in every class.

At first, I wanted to drop out of school because such humiliation made me feel ashamed. After returning home, I never wanted to go back. My mother took me to work in the fields without saying anything. The sun in May was very hot, and I had enough of working on crops under the scorching sun for a few days, so I came back. School. (I would like to thank my mother for saving me)

Later, I became numb. I could just scold and stand. It didn’t matter. At that time, I just wanted to get through my senior year in high school. I will live.

Therefore, when I failed in the college entrance examination and my family asked me to retake it, I firmly disagreed. So when I was leaving after graduation, when everyone else was crying, I was filled with joy. I finally left this hellish place.

As for why, this physics teacher targeted me so much, because I left blank all the questions I didn’t know, and there were many questions I didn’t know, and there were many left blank, and others would copy the top students’ answers.

However, I may be too stubborn and make him feel that I am provoking him. I may never forgive him in this life, he destroyed my self-confidence and dignity.

In the past, I always thought that I was introverted, but after checking the information, I found out that it was social anxiety.

Because introversion just likes to accumulate energy inward, loves solitude and deep thinking, the personality of introversion or extroversion is innate. Social phobia is acquired, because the social stress caused by too many negative social experiences can cause people to have an extreme inferiority complex.

There is also perfectionism. I happen to be a Virgo, pay attention to details and pursue perfection.

Social anxiety disorder arises from being overly concerned about social performance, always thinking about finding fault with oneself, and feeling that others will find fault with oneself just as much as oneself.

Finally, I hope there will be no physics teacher in heaven, and I hope I will no longer have social fear in my next life.