I don't know how long I've liked someone, but I've been secretly in love for seven years, from freshman to sophomore, and even have a boyfriend, and I still haven't completely forgotten him.
The first time I met L was in the early morning of Grade One, on my way to school. The air was fine that day. I just cocked my head inadvertently and saw that boy walking opposite me. About 1.85 meters, white T-shirt, jeans, sneakers, wearing headphones, just like the hero with a halo in the idol drama.
At the moment, I feel that everything around me is dark. It is such a simple and casual dress and delicate face that he can't take my eyes off. I followed him all the way to school, and then I saw his girlfriend.
I didn't have these concepts in my mind at that time, but I could know that they liked each other. I saw her waiting for him to look around, then he came running, patted her on the shoulder with a smile and walked into the door together. Slowly, I know that they have been together since the first month of junior high school. At that time, I was surprised. In my world view, this kind of puppy love is too early. Although I am well aware that there will be some small feelings between boys and girls at that age, it is normal for me to listen to people I know about them occasionally. I still follow him on my way to school every day, watching repeated scenes. However, these three years, I only know their names, more or less know a little story, they don't know me.
I am very glad that he and I were admitted to the same key high school, and of course she. I just heard that they were on and off, but I never said a word to them. Even at the New Year's Eve party, he sang on the stage and she sent flowers. I still simply think that boy is so handsome ~ they are really a match made in heaven. But this feeling disappeared until we met him in the same science class. There is a saying that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and that's probably it. I gradually found that he sings well, plays basketball well, studies hard and is humorous ... almost all the praises are too much for him. Just because he is the standard-bearer of the school, I spend every Monday very seriously. I will be inexplicably excited to see him walking in front in a white school uniform and white gloves.
Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention that he is the man of the hour in the school, probably because several boys in the school are delicate and study well. Although everyone began to learn to dress up later, they were no match for him in my eyes. There are not a few girls who like him. There are only five or six in our class. Say I have no pressure? No way! After all, I have no advantage, and I am also an ordinary little girl.
Everyone knows that the girl he is dating is excellent in my opinion, tall and outstanding in appearance. And I'm just an inferior and mediocre girl. There is a saying that you can make yourself excellent for the person you like. I remember I was a little fat at that time. In order to make my appearance attract him, I only drink milk every day, but before I lose weight, I have a stomachache. Look pale, look pale, because, hungry! Obviously, this method failed.
One day I overheard that they had already broken up, and I suddenly felt happier and finally had a chance! Do you know that feeling? It seems that we are already together.
I don't know when I approached him, and I talked about that girl from time to time until I knew from beginning to end that they were naturally together, and there were many quarrels in the middle. After entering high school, I want to study hard and separate, which is normal and dull. It's just that I also heard that he hates her pestering him, and a friend who knows the girl said that she hates him hanging around her all the time.
I am always confused about what is going on between them, but this does not prevent me from continuing to like him wishful thinking. There is a law that I love you and you love her, which is not contradictory.
I remember I used the most childish method at that time. I always buy all kinds of snacks and sneak them in his desk to please him. I get along with him like good friends. After I went to physical education class, cut class always sent him a sports drink. I always ask him all kinds of physical questions ... every time I pretend it doesn't matter, in fact, I have been hit by a deer thousands of times.
I know he actually found out long ago, but I didn't tell him, and hiding it in my heart became a secret that everyone knew.
I don't know how that girl got my QQ number. Anyway, she should know me and know me, but she became "friends" with me in a way I didn't expect. She gave me a fright when we first talked.
"Hello, I'm XXX, you should know who I am, right? I know you two are very close, and his friend is my friend. Please take care of him in the future. "
I was really shocked at that time, but I still said against my will: "I have heard about it for a long time. I hope you are happy. Please let me know if you need any help. I am really happy to make such a refreshing friend. "
After that, everything she said revealed to me all the time how good they were, how much his parents liked her, their trip together, and their memories. Listening to her recall their stories, I admit that I was jealous, but I still expressed my admiration and blessing.
But from time to time, someone tells me that she has made friends with everyone around him. I hope everyone can tell her which girl I'm playing with. Of course, I bear the brunt. That's why she did it. Many people have also scolded this girl, saying that she is having an affair with many boys. Even my close friends have warned me that if I make friends with this girl, I will never talk to her again. At first, I didn't understand why, until one day I suddenly sent me a message saying, "I know she asked someone to tell you to stay away from me, but I hope you don't do that." I'm sorry for hurting you. "But I don't know anything about these things, just a vague past.
Just like the development of many plots, one day, she suddenly refused to play the former friendly role and sent me a long questioning message, and never contacted me again. Occasionally when I meet her at school, I can feel that her enemies are usually enough to kill me. Then, no then.
L and I continue to get along like this, and he is also used to the snacks that have been on his seat and the hot water that helps him make every day. When the teacher adjusted his seat on a whim, I got closer and closer to him until there was only one aisle in the middle. No one knows my mood at that time. Although I hate going to school, I don't even want to take time off for this reason.
He once gave me a lot of hallucinations. He dressed me himself. He wants to share cookies with me. He said I was good to him. He would be anxious because I couldn't solve a problem, but he comforted me for a long time because I was sad ... all these made me dream like a girl in love. But I'm not sure it's true.
At that time, there was a popular saying on the Internet: I will dream of someone when I sleep at night, because he misses you. I dreamed about him more than once, and every scene was so sweet. Every time I wake up, I grin because of happiness.
I have imagined countless times how happy I would be if I could go to school with him. It was not until later that we took the same school bus that this wish was realized. The driver's uncle and I talk about everything, and I have seen the photos I always turn over to know what he looks like. I remember my uncle said to me later, "I recognized him the first day he got on the school bus." When I asked him if his name was L, the child was still surprised. He doesn't even know the name. I listen to you every day, and my ears are getting calluses. "
His home is farther than mine. He got on the bus before me in the morning and got off after me in the evening. The first time I saw him in the car, my heart was full of joy. I was so sleepy that morning that I was extremely energetic. Although it was early winter at that time, it was very cold in the morning and evening. My hands are always cold. I always curl up in the car in the morning. One day, he suddenly found me shivering and helped me warm my hands for the first time. His hands are warm. Until now, I still feel happy when I think about it. At that time, my feeling was a very vulgar sentence: like an electric shock. Since then, I have spent almost every morning like this, from shyness at first to recklessness, so I slept on his shoulder. Although the school bus is still rickety, I can still sleep well.
It was during this period that I first confessed that the girl knew that we were a school bus and came to our class to ask him many questions. For the first time, I felt so unbalanced. For the first time, I began to believe that girls were so jealous, so I wrote three pages and told him so bluntly on my way home from school. Simple four words: I like you. The result is not unexpected. He said, "I don't want to think about it now. I will discuss it after the college entrance examination. " Our relationship hasn't changed at all.
Like a friend and not like a friend.
He just sat for a month, his new home is being cleaned up, which is close to the school, and then he goes to school by bike. That month was my happiest month. Of course, some people worry that this month will pass too fast.
During that time, many people thought that we were together. As we talked, we heard several classmates booing and fell into a trance. But only I know that he doesn't really like me.
I remember that on his birthday that year, I gave CK a bottle of perfume, mixed with those three confession letters that had been sorted out several times. The meaning of perfume is unique, because I think he was the only one at that time.
In the second half of senior three, I left school because of the college entrance examination in different places. He helped me move everything out, and I cried goodbye to him. I haven't seen each other since. We also sent a text message in the middle, because I missed him so much that I didn't know what to say, so I had to pretend to ask a few questions.
After the college entrance examination, we went our separate ways. He is studying in the south, and we are far apart. I know they are back together and get along well. I heard that the girl and I go to school in the same city, but I have never seen her.
I just often see him taking photos on social networking sites to show his love.
The other day, he suddenly said that they broke up completely. He was sad, drunk and even hurt himself. She just said, let's not contact again. I don't know whether to comfort him or not, and I don't want to ask why, but I can feel that he is very sad and he has never let go.
I heard him sing Wu Kequn's "Love is too painful" on the software, and I obviously heard his voice trembling. That feeling makes me a thousand times sadder than the pain in my heart.
I remember one night three or four months after they broke up, I was suddenly a little worried about him, and then I sent him a WeChat and asked him, "Are you okay?" He said, "Very bad." Then a phone call came and told me from beginning to end, which was very sad. I still remember his tone. I wish they had never been apart.
I remember he called me long distance at that time. I knew he had a lot to say, so I listened to him silently until late at night. Occasionally, I am very excited and hear him choke. I was afraid that he would be sad if he suddenly disconnected, so I kept charging his phone bill. At that time, I just wanted to be with him quietly, even if I just listened to his even breathing.
Since that phone call, my heart has hung up as before, as if I had another chance, as if we could go shopping hand in hand tomorrow. I remember it was the Mid-Autumn Festival, so I skipped class and went to see him directly. I didn't know what I was smoking, but I hope to see him the next second. I sat on the high-speed train all day, reversing everywhere in the middle, and I saw him awake for at least 30 hours. I thought I could calm down the first time I saw him, but at that time I was shocked to see him coming from a distance with an aura.
We haven't seen each other for a year and a half. We haven't met since I took the college entrance examination in different places in senior three. Every time, every class reunion, I don't want to attend, because I'm afraid to see him. After all, many people know that I like him. Even after a long time, when I felt the goodwill of everyone, I was still at a loss.
I remember when I was going to his school, many friends suggested that I give him a big hug when I met him. Me too! Pass the ball Shame! Sese!
I remember when we met before, he pulled my suitcase and asked me if I was tired. It is very warm. Maybe because of him, everything is so beautiful to me. He accompanied me to find a place to live, and even I took classes with him. I admit that I was really cautious at that time: I hoped his classmates and friends would see me, intentionally or unintentionally, although they misunderstood me inadvertently.
I remember that many girls looked at me subtly at that time, and he probably knew that my heart had long been happy.
During the three days there, I seemed to have said everything I wanted to say in that year and a half, like a chatterbox. Chatting behind him every day, secretly taking pictures of him every day, helping me carefully choose the fishbone when eating fish, the one who showed me around the campus, the one who urged me to eat more, the one who held my schoolbag in his hand, and the funny one.
I remember the first time we watched a movie together. The heroine is a bit like me. Although it was a comedy, I finally cried. He just looked at me and smiled.
I remember we walked along a long river together. I told him, do you believe everything has its vanquisher? He gave me a meaningful look and whispered, "I know what you want to say." I smiled and said to him, "My mother always told me not to hang myself with your tree." Then he said in a shy tone, "I'm not a tree, I'm a flower."
What he doesn't know is that I recorded this video, watched it several times when I was bored, and actually killed one boring time after another.
No one can see how tired I was in those three days. I hurt my foot at that time, and it hurt to walk. But the moment I saw him, I seemed to have lost all my feelings. I want to be by his side all the time, even if I just look at him quietly.
Obsessed.
My feeling for him is infatuation. As long as it is him, I feel good. As long as what he said, I unconditionally think it is correct.
I remember those days, I got up early every morning, found a lot of people downstairs in his dormitory, and then texted him to ask if he was awake, and then went downstairs to take me to play when he was awake. I have to wait downstairs for two hours almost every day. Just pacing back and forth, looking forward to seeing him.
I remember the night before I left, I said to him, "I beg you, say a few rude words, the harder the better, let me give up completely." But he said nothing. He asked me, "This is really too difficult. Are you pushing yourself or me? "
So we sat there and struggled for a long time, but there was still no result. Later, I was really sleepy and my eyes were red. He said, "Please, go back to the hotel and sleep. I will ride all day tomorrow. " But I just don't want to go. I just don't know how difficult this sentence is. I remember he said that people who have feelings of intersection either like it or hate it, but originally, it was impossible for me to be friends with him.
There's nothing I can do. He said come with me and I'll tell you. However, the more I walk, the less strength I have, and the farther away I am from him. I watched him trot in front of me and disappear bit by bit. I looked around his university school, but I couldn't find him. He didn't know I was really scared, but he didn't even look for me. I remember calling my best friend in tears and walking to the hotel bit by bit by memory. It was past 1 1 afternoon. My best friend called me stupid and cheap and yelled at the phone in the middle of the night to wake me up. I thought about it for a long time in the hotel myself, but I didn't figure it out. It's almost 12 o'clock. He sent me a short message in four simple words: Have you gone back? No one knew how cold my heart was at that time, and even my heart ached when I saw his name. I remember asking him why he didn't come to me. He said this method was better than telling you directly. My answer was yes, and I never spoke again, because I was so numb that I didn't feel anything.
But the next day, I still like him. No matter how much he hurts me, I like him. Even though many people tell me it's not worth it, I like him. I remember he told my sister that he felt sorry for me, but that didn't help me at all.
Occasionally, I think, maybe I am really a person living in memories, always having meaningless fantasies, and maybe we will be together.
I don't know who told me that in love, unless you like each other, all unrequited love is sad.
I was in pain that day. He didn't explicitly refuse me or explicitly promise me, but I always thought in my heart that he might accept me, but I gave myself a so-called title. I thought I had done a lot for him, enough to make him moved by me. But that's just a very ordinary little thing, maybe anyone does, but this kind of touch may only make you friends, and it may not develop further.
In fact, many times I don't even understand why I always find many topics to chat with him involuntarily, but obviously more often, his answer is very simple, and I can't go on.
Chatting with my mother occasionally, she always mentions my feelings intentionally or unintentionally. There are many good boys around me, good-looking, tall and even seniors, who take special care of me. I am the kind of person who is particularly moved by small details. I have convinced myself to accept it many times, but I still can't open my heart. I feel as if I have been deeply poisoned. He is the only antidote. I tried to accept others, but I finally found that as long as it wasn't for him, I couldn't.
I'm always laughed at by my friends. I've given too much without getting anything in return, but I always feel that love and being loved are beautiful things in my feelings. After all, I gave myself for everything he did, and I felt very happy in that process.
There is a saying that if you like it, you will fight for it, if it is worth it, you will wait, and if you are happy, you will cherish it. I dreamed of this idea for seven years. I have always thought that my own principle is: either don't think or don't think. Now, I choose to keep the past in my memory.
When I missed you before, I was always very excited. I wrote a long paragraph, but I couldn't press the send button. When I miss you later, I always catch a few words in my mind, but my expressive ability is very poor, and I can't write a complete sentence anymore. Now, when I miss you, I don't want to do anything for you anymore. I miss you so quietly, then play a favorite song and try to fall asleep.
Some people say that men chase women through mountains, while women chase men through veils. But none of this works for me.
We haven't had any contact until now, and even I don't know in what capacity to communicate with him at the annual party. Maybe I'm too immature to take these things for granted. But I always believe that with the passage of time, I will finally hold my other half and say goodbye with a smile.
Goodbye, the first love that ended before it started.