Because he knows: the network is not in others, but in himself.
Only by becoming your own aristocrat can others become your aristocrats.
0 1
We often lament two things about our friends.
The first thing: I always lament how my friends are so fake.
Yi Xiaoyang said in Weibo.
On one occasion, he urgently needed 20,000 yuan to decorate his house.
So I sent a loan message to ten friends:
"... I wonder if you have any money left, and return it within three months. "
As a result, nine friends refused:
"I'm so sorry! I am also a little difficult at the moment. "
"My brother-in-law just asked me to borrow 50,000. I am really sorry. "
"All my money is in stocks. I am so sorry! "
"My son transfer to pay 50000. Sorry. "
…………
He thinks his relationship with these friends is iron,
I didn't expect the chain to fall off at the critical moment.
Ai Xiaoyang lamented: "People's hearts are like needles in the sea!"
Usually, hello, I am good, and few people answer at critical moments-this has become a normal state among friends.
02
The second thing: I always sigh that my old friends are getting farther and farther away.
Going home during the Spring Festival, my mother asked me:
"Why don't you play with Xiaojun when you have a holiday?"
I hesitated for a long time and didn't know what to say.
Xiaojun and I grew up naked,
I remember in primary school, we also swore:
"We will be good friends for life!"
"Well, all my life."
At the end of my life, I just graduated from junior high school.
After junior high school, he dropped out of school and I went to high school.
I remember when I was in high school, I used to show off to people:
"There is a little hair that has a special relationship with me."
But in the end, we somehow went further and further.
I used to tell each other when I farted secretly in class.
Later, I didn't even know about getting married.
When we met the year before last, we could not find the same topic.
In addition to memories, there are only greetings and embarrassment.
As Eason Chan sang in "Best Bad Friends":
"Never make excuses, don't electrocute.
Why can't an old bosom friend become an old friend in the end? "
Why old friends can't become old friends in the end-this has become a normal state among friends.
03
I never understood why these two "normals" appeared.
Until I saw Mr. Feng Xu's "emotional socialization" and "utilitarian socialization".
The so-called "* * * society", Mr. Feng Hui said:
"It refers to social behavior in order to get emotional connection and emotional experience, to get rid of boredom, or because of the same interests."
* * * The fundamental reason for the existence of emotional society lies in:
When a person's mind is immature and independent,
Or when the social class is low and life is not satisfactory,
He needs the emotional connection and support of his friends. "
This kind of social interaction does not involve the exchange of interests.
The social behavior that most people have since childhood,
Is derived from this * * * emotional needs.
Mr. Feng Xu found a phenomenon when he was studying the socialization of * * * emotions:
"The more mature a person's mind is, the less he needs to socialize."
Why is this happening?
"Because your mind is mature enough, you no longer need friends to provide emotional support and psychological comfort."
Zhang Ailing and Yan Ying met at the University of Hong Kong.
When they were in college, they were close.
Most of the illustrations in Zhang Ailing's books were created by Yan Ying.
When Zhang Ailing got married, Yan Ying was a witness.
But later, the two inexplicably lost contact.
Yan Ying wrote: Why don't you talk to me anymore?
Zhang Ailing said: I don't like talking about things decades ago all the time, as if I were a dead man.
"At that time, we can be friends,
Just because they happen to be in the same classroom,
Just need someone to accompany you to eat, go shopping and speak your mind.
So being together every day is boring.
But after growing up and experiencing this world,
Only to find that we are not the same kind of people at all,
So we have to go this far. "
This is the subtext of Zhang Ailing and the essence of social communication.
04
The so-called "utilitarian socialization", Mr. Feng Hui said:
"refers to social behavior that occurs in order to achieve a certain purpose or gain benefits from the other party."
"Utilitarianism socialization" has two basic premises:
The first is the interactive transmission of effective information, knowledge and matter.
Xiao Shu, a neighbor's child, has the most friends in our community.
Why? Because he has the most toys.
One day, my mother asked, "Who is your real friend?"
Xiao Shu replied: "Hu Xinyu."
Mother asked, "Why him?"
The little tree replied, "He never steals my toys. He only exchanges with me. "
You see, even children think that not exchanging equals robbing.
The second is to have a relatively "equivalent" value level.
This value level refers not only to the equality of social status, but also to the harmony of spiritual talents and ideological compatibility.
The most famous pianist in the Spring and Autumn Period was Yu Boya.
Once, when Yu Boya was playing the piano in the wild,
Zhong Ziqi the woodcutter happened to pass by.
When playing the piano, Boya thought of the mountains.
Zhong Ziqi said, "It's like standing in front of a towering mountain."
When playing the piano, Boya thought of running water in his heart.
Zhong Ziqi said, "It's like a rushing river."
Boya stopped the piano and exclaimed, "Jun is really my bosom friend."
Boya said when he died in his later years that "there is no confidant".
Therefore, "the piano is broken, and the drum is never played."
Great musicians and woodcutters become eternal friends precisely because of the harmony of spiritual talents.
Mr. Feng Xu said: "The purpose of utilitarian socialization is to obtain' effective exchange'. If a relationship can't bring you any benefits, it will be instinctively abandoned by you. "
It seems utilitarian, but this is the essence of social interaction.
05
When we can distinguish between these two social activities,
Many questions about friends will be solved.
For example, the question "should friends be alienated?"
A few years ago, a college roommate liked to play with me:
"Let's go to the bath center and make a big set."
I said, "Forget it, it's boring."
A few days later, he called me again: "Let's go to the bar."
I said, "Forget it, I don't like it very much."
After a while, he gradually stopped contacting me.
Many times, there is only a sigh: not only time, but also the values that are drifting away.
He likes picking up girls, and I like reading books.
He likes playing cards and I like code words.
He likes lively, and I like quiet.
There is no distinction between good and bad,
Just because the three views and preferences are drifting away,
We eventually grew into strangers to each other.
Before, listening to Eason Chan's sentence "The stranger in the coming year is the closest so-and-so yesterday", I would feel so sad that I wanted to cry.
Now I finally understand that forgetting the Jianghu is the best ending.
I really like a passage by Spirited Away:
"Life is a train to the grave,
There will be many stops on the road,
No one can accompany you from beginning to end,
You will see people coming and going, up and down.
If you are lucky, someone will accompany you for a while.
When this person wants to get off the bus, even if he doesn't give up,
You should also be grateful and wave goodbye.
Because, maybe next stop,
There will be another person to go further with you. "
So, when friendship comes to an end,
Don't try to save and maintain the illusion that we are still good friends.
Relatively silent and boring, it is better to forget the rivers and lakes.
Just like Yu Hua: "I no longer pretend to have many friends, but return to loneliness and start a new life with the real me."
06
Of course, if you always get along well with your old friends,
If you always want to be a "soul mate" who talks about everything,
There is only one way-to keep up with each other's growth.
My friend Xue told the story of a good friend of hers.
Her best friend gets up early every day to read all kinds of classic books.
Her English is not good, so she copied a TOEFL writing book by hand.
Finally, I raised my failing score to more than 80 points.
Once, Xue asked her, "Why are you working so hard?"
She replied, "I still want to be your best friend."
Xue was surprised: "Aren't we always good girlfriends?"
She said, let Si Nuo remember for a lifetime:
"Birds of a feather flock together,
If I don't work hard, the gap between you and me will widen.
Even the best friends have barriers,
The best way to keep friendship is to make progress together.
We have always been in the same rhythm, so we can go all the way. "
The best friendship is to keep in touch with each other.
As philosopher Zhou said:
"What makes communication valuable is not communication itself,
But the values of the participants.
High-quality friendship always happens between two excellent independent personalities.
Its essence is mutual sincere appreciation and respect.
Therefore, it is very important to make yourself truly valuable.
Worthy of being a high-quality friend,
This is the first contribution a person can make to friendship. "
For social friends,
Try to keep up with each other's rhythm when you visit three places.
Three views disagree, and natural rivers and lakes forget each other.
07
The most important thing is to avoid confusing these two social activities.
Tell a story about Zhihu's "borrowing money":
I took a fancy to a bag and wanted to buy it after a long time.
Because it's always moonlight and there's not much money,
If you need more than 4000 yuan, you can borrow it from your best friend.
I thought she would happily lend it to me,
But although she lent it to me, she asked me to write an iou!
Ten thousand grass mud horses gallop in my heart!
When I got home, I began to sulk, and the more I thought about it, the worse I felt.
Do you still need an iou from your best friend? How can I escape for such a small sum of money?
Even if I owe you an iou, I will take the initiative, right?
This is a typical confusion between two kinds of socialization-for his "emotional social friends", he is naturally a "utilitarian social friend".
This situation is very common in life.
As Meng Ke described in Bitch:
Don't you learn English? Help me translate a paper.
Don't you learn Chinese? Help me write a year-end summary.
Didn't you study design? Help me design a LOGO.
If you refuse, you will be labeled as "not enough friends"
These people forget that helping you is a duty, not helping you.
Even if you have been playing with each other since childhood,
However, as long as you put forward the appeal of "utility", you must understand a truth: "* * * Love friends" have never been obliged to do "utilitarian help" for you. It is his duty to help you, not his responsibility.
Moreover, the best way is:
At the beginning of your "utilitarian" appeal,
We should communicate in a utilitarian social way.
Write down your own debt, calculate interest,
The other party hopes that it is an obligation, not mutual affection.
Whatever the result, you should be grateful.
My mother taught me not to borrow money from my good friends since I was a child-I think this is the best enlightenment lesson for me to distinguish between "social communication" and "utilitarian communication".
08
Mr. Xiao Yan said a story:
A friend of his works as an enterprise consultant in a company.
To put it bluntly, it is to pull the boss over to pay for the class.
He is very diligent and runs four clients every day.
It didn't take him long to get acquainted with potential customers.
But it took him six months to complete several orders.
When he was disheartened and handed the client list to the boss,
In less than two weeks, he was surprised to find that:
"A lot of clients I haven't settled before have signed up for classes."
He ran to the boss and asked, "How did you do it with two strokes?"
The boss said this:
"Talking about business is not just a matter of good relations.
The most important thing is to let each other get exchange value.
For example, Zhao Zong, who is in the door and window business.
I have several clients who are real estate developers.
I promise that as long as he signs up, I will help him contact the developer.
A single project will cost more than10 million yuan. What is the tens of thousands of training fees?
I can do it because I have resources to exchange. "
When we understand the nature of utilitarian social interaction,
I know that the way many people "manage contacts" nowadays is ridiculous.
I am superstitious about social skills such as "how to be a man" every day.
In the end, it was found that they were all natural eggs and had no practical use.
The basis of networking is your "use value": the greater your use value, the more others will help you.
Therefore, instead of taking time to know more people, it is better to take time to improve your personal value.
Really smart people often make few friends.
Because he knows: become your own noble, others will become your noble.
09
The writer Li Shanglong wrote an interesting story:
A friend of his, before he became famous,
Contribute to a big newspaper,
But every time I submit a manuscript, I sink into the sea.
A year later, his book unexpectedly sold well.
The founder of that newspaper came to him personally for a manuscript.
Now they have a good relationship, because one wants to sell books and the other wants a good manuscript.
Someone asked: Why do you have such a good relationship with this newspaper?
He once said: Equivalent exchange produces equivalent friendship.
Li Shanglong himself, when he was in college,
He likes socializing and joined three clubs.
As long as there is activity, I will make a soy sauce.
Catch whoever you see and leave your cell phone.
But in an emergency, when he wants to ask for help,
I've called all over, but no one wants to answer.
Later, after he finally became a celebrity,
Call whenever something happens, and the people will gather.
He realized that only when the relationship is equal can we help each other. You're not awesome yourself, and it's no use knowing anyone who is awesome.
Don't think the world is cruel, this is the rule of the game.
Many people are used to asking for resources, channels and relationships when managing their contacts. But in the end, it is often empty.
Really smart people are used to looking inward: give up 99% useless social interaction and try their best to improve themselves.
Because they know: contacts are not on others, but on themselves: only when they become strong can they get useful contacts!
Our biggest connection is ourselves.
If you are in full bloom, butterflies will come.
10
Su Dongpo has a famous article called Night Tour in Chengtian Temple:
"On the evening of October 12th, Yuanfeng six years,
Take off your clothes and want to sleep, enter the house in the moonlight and set off happily.
Thinking that there was no one to play with, I went to the Tianhou Palace to find Zhang Huaimin.
People didn't sleep, so we walked in the yard together.
In the moonlight, the courtyard is full of clear water, as clear as clear water. The algae and shepherd's purse in the water are the shadows of bamboo and cypress.
What night is there no moonlight? Where is there no bamboo and cypress?
It's just the lack of free people like us. "
That's what best friends do.
There is not only the exchange of "utility",
There is also a connection in "* * * love".
We can not only help each other in "utility",
You can also be affectionate in "* * *".
"Which night there is no moonlight? Where is there no bamboo and cypress? Just lack people like us. "
So Chen said, "The best thing is to be in a daze with good friends."
Fan Bingbing said: I don't marry a rich man, I am a rich man.
This is intended to emphasize that "it is oneself who has the most contact".
But no matter how powerful a person is,
"Utility exchange" can only go to a certain extent.
In order to make utilitarian social interaction more valuable and deep,
We should deepen the social interaction on the basis of utilitarian social interaction.
Only in this way can "blood and tears repay friends, what's the harm of life and death?"
Since ancient times, the best friendship has always been like this-the level is equivalent, which can be both utilitarian and affectionate.
Really smart people often make few friends. They keep friendly with most people, but only make friends with a few people of the same level.